Advice and comments are welcome. So please tell me what you think.
I am a 30 yr old guy who has been living a gay lifestyle since turning 20. My relationship history has been eventful and interesting to say the least. All attempts at relationships have failed in the past and I am seeking help to see if it is my fault or society gone wrong.
After meeting my BF very recently (end of July 2010) through a very well known dating site for guys, what started out as meeting for friendship values, turned out, once we actually met in person, it was something quite different.
The connection or click between us was amazing and with me moving away in the next two weeks, decision time was upon us.
I made it clear from my profile that I would be leaving for England in two weeks to care for my brother who was recently hospitalized. He fully understood this, however it didnt stop us from developing feelings for each other.
The next two weeks were amazingly intense, we spent everyday and night together just to enjoy each others company. It is difficult for a gay relationship to comprise of more than just sex, however we were actually 'dating', which was new to me. We went to the movies as a couple, had meals out and more. It was the happiest I have ever been.
Relationships for me in the past have consisted of liars and cheats and many many opportunists that thought they had something to gain by being with me. at least 80% of these have ended due to cheating.
This guy was different, a breath of fresh air. I used to be at home watching the clock for him to finish work and come over. I got butterflies when my phone rang to say he was at the gate. In the mornings, I would open my eyes and just look at him wondering, where did he come from and why me? I felt special and loved.
The weeks dissappeared so fast, we had lengthy conversation about me leaving and how we would manage sexually. His response at first was, 'if i meet anyone, i will tell them i have a bf and i will only use them for the sexual release. no kissing, no passion and no continous meeting', i was gutted, left feeling hollow and unsure of the way forward, i told him i was uncomfortable with this. As the two weeks ended, his vision had changed, after the night he wispered 'i love you'.
He told me from the begining, those are words he doesnt use. With his last relationship, the most he would say was 'i really like you', that to him meant love but he could be vocal with 'i love you'. After hearing this, it brought us closer together, like bread and butter.
He said he doesnt want anyone else and will wait for my return in 6 months. I toyed with the idead and committed to returning every 3 months, even I couldnt wait so long to see him again.
I left and headed to England, unsure of what was ahead, especially with my brother being so sick.
The first 48 hours of being away were awful, I couldnt stop thinking about him, my concentration at the hospital was weak, I thought of nothing else but my new love. We are in constant contact day and night with our blackberry's, a gift from above i think.
It has now been only 4 weeks since we have been apart and time is surely telling.
My insecurities and jealous thoughts have already taken over me and I feel I am ready to give up.
I made the mistake of comparing him to 'others' that I have attempted to date and I caught them in the act, with continous online usage on the same very site where we met. Trying to block this image so hard as he seemed so different. He had no motives, he never asked me for anything unlike the other, he only ever asked me to love him and not leave him.
I decided one afternoon to log on and update to my profile to read 'involved' and remove some of the more personal information. Whilst online, I quickley checked his profile to see if it remained the same. I did!
I also noticed that he has logged on fairly recently which I found bizarre. With my investigation skills that I developed from past ex's, I decided to monitor this activity.
I found that he logged on every weekend as this was his only free time from work, I couldnt understand why would he be online looking for a hook up or link up. If he atleat altered his profile to read to 'friendship only', 'already involved' I would have found piece. I started paying more attention to facebook and his comments and posts too.
I never really had much to go on, so I just lay and wait.
We were talking several times a day and the conversations were always great, we constantly shared fond memories with each other and told each other how much in love we were and more so, why we was in love.
Everything was great until this weekend. He had an end of month function with his coworkers, which took him out of the town were we lived, all locals offices gathered monthly for a wine and dine event. He had been looking forward to it, as he was heavily stressed at work and further more, being away from each other was straining both of us. in addition he has been worried about me, as I had been unccessfull in finding a job since being back in England.
I encouraged him to go and have a great time, what harm could that do?
in the morning of the function we were talking and he mentioned that the 'boys' were all going to a strip club in the area where the function was. I tried to keep it light hearted, although I was torn inside. We joked about him getting a free feel up and surprising he responded, 'of course, that is the least'.... the entire day and night i was a wreck, pacing up and down, creating my own images of what may have been.
The next morning he called to give me the lowdown, it turned out to be a regular office bash, the worse that it got, was he removed his shirt and couple of times and all the ladies were lining up to dance with him.....
He said he was so tired from the night before, he would complete his chores and then sleep some more. I gave him the space and agreed his should rest.
Later in the evening I decided to log on to the online dating site where we met to see if he had been active, for sure he was already online! with the most dissappointment, I decided to move to the next level.
I sent him a message from this anoynomus profile I created, he took the bait and we started chatting. I was pleasantly surprised that he announced very early on that he was involved and nothing could happen. Even though the pics that I was showing him were really turning him on.
The conversation continued into the early hours for me (early evening for him), and he was still although extremely tempted, claimed his love for his bf very boldly to this new fictious person he had just met.
I simualtaniously sent him a message via blackberry messenger and although he sometimes took a few moments to reply, he always did. This time he didnt, several hours into the night and still nothing, yet I was getting instant replies to this anoynomus profile.
I called it a night and half satisfied with the findings, still unsure as to why he hadnt replied to 'my' message.
The following morning, I waiting until his morning time had arrived (6 hours time difference) he still hadnt read my message yet. I messaged again - still nothing.
Out of bordom and fustration, I decided to check facebook. he has surely been on there all evening (after i logged out and went to bed)posts were very active. I noticed one particular post stream which involved a frequent messenger, a male friend now living in Canada but frequents home often. The message post read 'c u in november', my bf's reply was reminding him to watch his message content. The friend replied, ok, I will send a direct message to your inbox then!, his reponse was, 'perfect'.
We spoke briefly this morning and he apologized for not returning my last two messages, he said he slept the whole of yesterday evening and night away and wanted to complete his morning chores before hitting me up. I sighed with dissappointment, as I knew he didnt sleep all evening, because he was chatting to the ficticious person I created, plus his facebook posts as date and time stamped gave it all away.
I just brushed it off and didnt let him know I was aware of anything different. I have messed up relationships before by judging and assuming. My success rate is high and I am yet to be proven wrong.
The culture that we come, allows men to not be faithful in additional to that we are both living a gay lifestyle, another collection of people that are renowned for being unfaithful. The odds are already against us, even though I refuse to believe, true committed love is out there.
Two friends that I have confind in, both say that it is a characteristic for men from our home country that are also gay to have more than one partner, the sooner I accept this, I can move on and enjoy the relationship with this guy. If I refuse to accept this, another guy will be in the past and another failed attempt. is he right?
I am due to fly home in 5 weeks time and although I am extactic about seeing him, I am hesitant to my reaction, thus far he cannot see my reactions or hear the dissappointment in my voice. two things I cannot hide very well.
Even though temptation for me in England is high, I have and will resist, I simply dont want anyone else to come close to me, that alone anything more. A mutual friend that we have told me at the very begining of this relationship, that my new bf is very different from guys he has seen me with before, he confirmed, that this guy is for real and is not the casual sex type to have many partners, he also advised me not to trap or suffocate him and dont turn into a mad man.
Is he another guy that will live up to the stero type?
Has he or does he intend to get a quick fix during my absence?
I am unreasonalbe asking him to wait for 3 months for me?
I am totally paranoid and barking up the wrong tree?
the way I am percieving his commmunication is leading to my reality but I want to believe there is a perfectly good explantion and I have been too busy reading between the lines. If i dont change my ways, I could loose out on something I have waited so long to find.
I need serious help....
thanks for reading, anyone that can guide me will be blessed in many ways.