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#610937 07/16/10 04:31 AM
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My life seems like a nightmare since late Oct. 09. I had thought it was finally getting better then tonight it all came at me again. I'll try to be short but as with many on here the stories are anything but short. My husband & I adopted a son & daughter several years ago after our biological children grew up. The were our foster children first and came from a very awful background with severe molestation by a family member. They were 5 & 6 years old when we got them as fosters. Many problems ensued, many counselors, therapists, psychiatrists and you name it have been in our lives. Last Oct. my then 12 year old daughter told a school employee that my father(her adopted grandfather) had touched her inappropriately. I knew nothing till the school called me. I was stunned and tried everyway imaginable to try to believe it was an accidental touch but the way she describes it makes that seem unlikely. We were unaware at the time but our role from the time she disclosed was to just sit back and watch things unfold. The most difficult part has been that a lot of family members do not believe that. They seem to think we have chosen to persecute my father unfairly and that our daughter has made the whole thing up. She was interrogated as was my father and the consensus of state police, abuse conselors, CYS etc was unanimous that she is being truthful. My father came off to all of them as deceptive, but to be fair here another family member tipped him off before the police called him so he showed no surprise which the police were looking for when they contacted him. Here is the kicker. My father molested me at least a few times that I can remember when I was between 10-12 years old. I finally told my mother and he never touched me again. Their excuse was he was drunk and didn't realize what he was doing. My memory of those 2 years is very patchy. This has almost never been mentioned in 40 years. I did approach it in a small way 3 years ago with my mother again and she just said she doubted if he remembered. There were lots of other types of abuse with me and my sisters over the years also. Anyway strange as it seems I truthfully did not for one minute think anything like this would ever happen again. Never an inking of anything happened in all these years with numerous grandaughters and small girls around. He totally denies it and said if she thinks he touched her it had to have been an accidental touch and he does not remember it. She only came forward after it had been about 2 years since she said it happened. She was afraid to say anything and then when questioned by the school employee as to why she was behaving differently she told them. Needless to say the family is in tatters. We went through with the charges and there was a hearing. I actually am not sure what he was given although we asked for counseling as well as the probation that he was to get. I have been afraid to ask my parents what really happened but I am beginning to think he may not have gotten anything but probation. We live across from them and I don't see him leaving for appointments anywhere. My mother says he did not plead guilty but he had to or he could have gotten jail time for a felony. The only choice we had in the whole matter was whether he would be charged with a felony or a misdemeaner. We do have a rather uneasy relationship with my parents but truthfully it has always been uneasy for me. My daughter has no contact with them. She has begun to want to wave hello lately-this is very wearing on us all and we were hoping we were all on the mend until tonight. I have one sister who aways upsets the applecart no matter what and she has been nothing but miserable through this all. She only has second hand info so makes up her own to hurt my daughter and I. Tonight her youngest daughter attacked my daughter on facebook and her oldest emailed me with some of her lies. My daughter blocked them from contacting her. Our therapists said families always have at least one member who acts like my sister but this is just so hard to deal with on top of everything else. WE feel like the persons doing wrong and we were the victims. One things that makes my daughter so believable is the fact that her prior childhood included many awful things she could have accused someone of and her accusation was actually quite mild considering her history. But everyone who knows of this thinks her background just made her make the story up. I'm sorry for being so long winded and believe me this is the tip of the iceberg. I guess I just needed to vent and I have no one close to listen to me. I feel so torn between two people who if their stories were not of the same incident both seem believable. I have disected this for months and a counselor finally told me to stop tearing myself up as only two people know what really occurred and I will never know for sure. I actually believe my daughter believes something happened and I feel like a terrible mom for my doubts.

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distraughtmom,

First, let me say that I think it's excellent that you acted on this as soon as you found out. I don't have time to address everything in your post right now, but I did want to mention a couple of things.

It is very common for abusers and those who enable them to belittle the victims and try to make them believe that "it's no big deal" or nothing really happened. In fact, it's classic. It makes you feel like you're talking to a brick wall or going crazy. It's simply a matter of trying to control you and the situation. It's a way to wear you down.

I'm glad you support your daughter. I can understand your doubts somewhat especially with the way your family is acting, but you were abused by the same man and treated the same way by the family as they are treating you an your daughter now. This seems to be a pretty obvious pattern repeating itself.

I'm sorry that your sister is acting like this, but your therapist is right. It's classic behavior. Please try not to blame yourself. It's got to be exhausting, especially living so near them. Just try to keep you and your family's safety utmost in your mind.

Is there someone that helped during the court process that you can contact to find out what happened at your father's hearing? This would make it much easier for you rather than having to contact your parents.

Please feel free to come to the forum and vent when you need to. No need to apologize.


Trish Deneen
PatriciaJoy.com
Trish-D #611150 07/17/10 03:19 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
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I wanted to clarify my comment about the pattern. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you if you don't see it. I just meant to say that it seems like they are trying the same tactics as before - that is, trying to wear you down until you cave in and shut up. When you're used to this behavior, sometimes it's hard to see a pattern.

Last edited by Trish-ChildAbuse; 07/17/10 03:52 PM.

Trish Deneen
PatriciaJoy.com
Trish-D #611154 07/17/10 03:39 PM
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My oldest daughter found out that my father's sentencing hearing is on Monday. We're sure this is what set my unstable sister off again. I have since gotten an email from my neice saying they know the real truth, in their minds the truth is that my husband has abused our adopted daughter. Very foolish accusation as anyone who actually knows the man would verify. He's a wonderful husband & father as all of our children adopted and natural will attest to. I guess my sister feels if she casts aspersions on him it will somehow negate what my father did. This same sister who has complained for years about the horribly abusive childhood she also suffered at the hands of our parents now says she has no memories of anything bad happening to her. She has also asked my parents to make her sole beneficiary in their will so I guess that tells the whole story right there. My other siblings and I could care less what they do but money speaks volumes to this one sister. Last fall when this began she showed up on my front porch and accused my two adoped children of having a sexual relationship, then she accused my daughter of attempting to seduce her son and foster son. I reported all of these accusations to the police , CYS and the kids therapists immediately and all were found to be untrue. I guess since she struck out with accusations of inappropriate behavior between children she has chosen to try with an adult in her story now. I know she has obvious mental issues and I just avoid her at all costs but she is one who puts on a wonderful facade in public and unless you have grown up with her you would never believe what she is capable of. Most of the rest of the family knows what she is like and they tolerate her as an oddball. Unfortunately it is apparent she is poisoning her girls to be just like her. We are all sure she hides all of this from her husband also. She told another family member when this began he told her to stay out of things. My daughter has an appointment with her therapist at the women's crisis center next week so I plan to address all this with her then hopefully. Thank you so much for replying, as I'm sure most on here know how alone you can feel during episodes like these. I have read many other victims posts on here and am astounded to see my very feelings being typed by a complete stranger.

Last edited by distraughtmom; 07/17/10 03:42 PM.
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Please keep us updated as to your progress. I'm glad you have outside support and you definitely have it here to.


Trish Deneen
PatriciaJoy.com

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