BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Where can I begin?

Hello, I found this website by accident, but decided this is my year to finally get my life back. I hope many of you can give me insight and wisdom. I never talk about this, nor have uttered the words, not even to my best friend or relatives, for fear of burdening them with my issues. But when I was 8-13 I was molested by my step-father, and I never really recovered. He physically abused my mother and me and sexually abused me. I never told my mother, really fearing she would blame me as much as I blamed myself, or she wouldn't believe me...for years I blamed her because a part of me was convinced she always knew and didn't care. Now at 28, I can see she really still has no clue, and have no idea how to tell her or if I should. It is like a wall between us, we have a close "only child" bond but I cannot seem to cope sometimes with the lies. I was brought up believing that people who went to therapy were wimps, and more people suffered from far worse, compared to my life. So it is very hard to get over the hurdle, of not wanting to share this information to a support group. I know many people had it much worse, but it doesn't stop the nightmares, and effects these moments had on my life. I recently told an old friend of the situation. He had been my friend since we were 4 years old, and had gone through a lot in his life as well. I could see the pity in his eyes, the same pity I tried to avoid seeing all my life. I didn't want pity!!! I wanted to forget it, but we got involved, and because of the situation he found it hard to talk to me...and we haven't really talked since. That was a year ago last November. I have never had a seriously relationship with a guy because of this, I can never fully trust, and thus have been hiding most of my life because of this fear. But I am tired of being alone. I, like many victims, feel the most guilt because I never told. And if my step-father has hurt someone else, I would never be able to forgive myself. I have had many thoughts of suicide. It didn't help, that both my biological father committed suicide when i was 4, and I never really knew him, and then his brother when I was 11. They both left a gaping hole in my heart, and in my fragmented family that no one could fix. It is a sad stage of events, which I was hoping to end. But with every passing year, I see my life becoming more and more distant from everything because I have never really moved on. I feel like I was stuck in the past, and no one came to save me. Even if no one here reads this, it was nice to talk about it. But sometimes, I just get sick of the lies. I just want the life I wanted when I was little, not this. Besides the obvious, does anyone have any advice? Thanks for reading, L

LonelyGirl,

Welcome to the forums! There are many supportive survivors of child abuse on this forum.

I'm so sorry to hear of what you have had to endure as a child. However, I want to commend you for your courage and bravery in sharing what has happened to you, here on this forum. I know how very difficult it is to share what we endured as children. I hope you find the support that you need and deserve, here on the fourm. You can also email me privately at anytime.

Regarding your comment that others have had it worse than you, I believe that abuse is abuse - period. I think that all victims of child abuse go through the same emotional struggles and that regardless of what type of abuse we endured, the process to healing is necessary, but sometimes very challenging.

I'm also sorry to hear of the loss of your biological father and your uncle to suicide. I really believe that many survivors of child abuse have faced suicidal thoughts at some point in their journey. I am no exception. However, suicide is never the answer. I want to encourage you that if you ever feel suicidal again, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. They can truly help you through the thoughts.

Regarding telling your mother, are you two close at this time? My recommendation to you would be that if you feel you can trust her, than perhaps it is time to let her know what you went through. Is she still married to your stepfather? If so, will telling her put you in any kind of danger with your abuser? I also wanted to ask you if you were, by any chance, in any type of therapy?

I am a firm believer in therapy. I truly believe it makes all the difference in the life of a survivor of child abuse. I understand that it is not an easy thing to talk about what you went through. However, I believe that in order to heal from the abuse we once suffered, we must talk it through.

Again, welcome to the forum and know that you are safe to talk here. It is all up to you on how much you share, or if you decide you are not ready to share any further. Your decision will be respected here.

Thanks Kelli, so far I am in a good place right now, my mother divorce that man almost 10 years ago. I still don't have the courage to tell her just because I still fear she won't believe me, or if she did she would confront him. I know it silly sometimes, because we do talk a lot. But she never talks about what we went through and if we do, we get very angry. But I know if I could tell her, it would open up old wounds..but might heal them too. It is a double edged sword. I actually live with my mother right now, so at times when she brings up the subject (ie because of a tv show or etc) I clam up and don't talk. But I still believe she does not know. It is still hard too to get over the hate I felt for some many years because she let him into our lives. And thus let him abuse me, both physically, mentally, and sexually. And it is particularly hard hating my own mother, when she is the only family I have. I realize many times that therapy would be good for me, but am scared to take that step. Not sure why I fear it, but when I was younger the court made us go through counseling...and the therapist we talked to on the phone, in so many words blamed me and my mother for the abuse, and said we caused it. I was little, but I remember him saying, "You know if you were better, maybe he wouldn't hit you." It was not a Very pleasant experience, and made distrust more...and think even more it was my fault. Growing up without my dad, made it worse. Everyone would tell me how wonderful he was, and I would say in my head, "if he was so wonderful, he would be here protecting me instead of being dead!" So I really grew up loving and hating my mother, and loaving my father for dieing, and hating that part of myself. Not to mention hating my step-father, and enduring his abuse for 12 years. That is a lot of hate as a kid, and I still feel it today. Hard to get over when you can't talk to anyone. When I was a senior in high school, we moved away from NY to Indiana. I lost most, if not all, of my friends. They never kept in touch. I have since to make any lasting relationships with more friends because I haven't. I feel like I have been in search for a friend ever since, one to share these feelings with, but then feel like I am burdening them with my issues. For lack of a better term, it is f*ed up. Thanks for giving me advice.

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