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#595176 04/10/10 07:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
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adeline Offline OP
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I am a 17 year senior in high school who desperately needs advice. My boyfriend and I broke up in May of 2009 (communication issues, my jealousy, and his constant cancellation of plans), in late June of 2009 I found out I was pregnant. By July I miscarried, and in August I had a D & C procedure to remove the remaining fetal tissue. Throughout the entire debacle, my ex and I still failed to communicate and ended up fighting more than anything else. He was not there for me when I needed him (he would often ignore texts for days at a time and was not there for the doctor's appointments, surgery, or pregnancy tests) and I wasn't exactly understanding of his fears. I think part of the problem came from my fears and pain manifesting itself as blind anger, and not being entirely rational. However, I also feel like he was a very selfish and self-centered and did not consider my fears/feelings enough while I went through this. Furthermore, I was furious that his life just kept going, while mine screeched to a halting stop. It's April now, and I'm still not over it. I find myself having horrific nightmares about it and frequently breaking down and crying because it just plain hurts too much. My ex's new thing is that "it's time to move on." He's recently taken interest in another girl, and while that shouldn't be the main issue, it still hurts. He also spends way more time talking and hanging out with other people, while I see him maybe for an hour a week and get texted (and he still at times ignores them to hang out with other people). To further complicate the issue, we are both enrolled in an academically rigorous program and have basically all the same classes together, during which he does not speak to me or sit with me (with the exception of an occasional hug). He's done several very sweet things (like invite me to prom), but he always seems less than enthusiastic about them and on a daily basis the amount of time he is here for me is, or at least feels, on the slim side. I should further note, that as per his request, I did not tell my best friend, and subsequently lost her as my friend (another horrifically painful experience). My parents have not been very supportive either (my dad has always been a little distant and can say very mean things, and my mother went through a miscarriage previously and now it hurts her too much to be around me) and due to my depression and break downs, very few of my friends want to spend time with me. So I have several questions: Is it normal that I haven't moved on by now? How long is appropriate to mourn this? Is it bad that I feel like my ex should be here for me more? Am I being selfish or not understanding? Am I wrong for wanting more support? Am I a horrible person for feeling jealous when he gets invited to do things on weekend while I'm barely welcome in my own home? What can I do to make him understand? What can I do to help myself move on? I haven't tried these forums before because I feel it's necessary to disclose that I had planned to have an abortion if this ever were to happen. That I did not plan to carry it to term. I feel like that is difficult to admit to people who want children so much, but right now this is killing me and I need help.

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(((Adeline)))
Sweetie, it is absolutely normal to still feel horrible about all the things that have happened to you. You have faced losses that would have brought down someone a lot older than you, and here you are still plugging along, trying to hold up your grades, dealing with your parents, missing your friends and wanting the ex to be what he isn't capable of being. You are being a hero all by yourself, and it is too much for you to do alone. Is there any way for you to get counselling from a professional? You really need someone to talk to who has heard it all before and who isn't emotionally involved, and who can help you figure out how to go on from here.
Everyone mourns on her own timetable, so nobody can tell you when it is time for you to move on, but you seem to be ready now to try and get past all of this pain. I do hope that you can get the counselling you need, maybe there are agencies in your town that can point you in the right direction to get help?
I wish that I could be more helpful, but at least you can consider yourself hugged, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Joined: Nov 2007
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Hello Adeline,

My very first thought for you is that you and your boyfriend broke up a year ago - and that you definitely do need to let go of him and move on. Expecting any attention from him at all is only holding you back and preventing you from healing. It is obvious he does not want to continue any type of relationship/friendship with you, and it seems he is not a caring person. He does not understand what you have been through because he shows it by his lack of compassion and attention. Let him go - you have to heal and work on building your own happiness, emotional and physical health.

"Is it normal that I haven't moved on by now? How long is appropriate to mourn this?" you ask. What is normal for one person may not be for another. Is it normal for you to mourn this long? That is up to you. It is not easy to lose someone you loved, someone you wanted to be there for you - who, by the way, did not want to be there for you. There is no set time for you to mourn. You have to look within, look into your heart, and really feel what your inner self is telling you. Often, if we stay too long in a mourning state, it becomes a safe place and we fear to leave it. You need to break out of that place and seek you spiritual growth, whatever that may be.

"Is it bad that I feel like my ex should be here for me more?" you ask. No - it is not bad. It is just a familiar thing/emotion for you to feel he should be there for you. You call him your "Ex" - that is what is is: "Ex', he is no longer there. You need to become accustomed to the fact that he does not want to be there. You seem to cling to that because others (family, friends) have turned away from your need and you have no where else to turn - so you cling to that which was good at one time and gives you hope. It seems to me that wanting him to be there for you is hopeless. Still, it is your hope and emotional crutch right now.

"Am I being selfish or not understanding?" you ask. No - not selfish, just not understanding: he obviously wants to move on to a life that does not include you.

"Am I wrong for wanting more support?" you ask. No - you are not wrong - just looking in the wrong place.

"Am I a horrible person for feeling jealous when he gets invited to do things on weekend while I'm barely welcome in my own home?" you ask. No - you are not a horrible person. It is natural to feel a little jealous or left out because that was such a big part of your life and now it is gone.

"What can I do to make him understand?" you ask. Nothing - he does not need to understand if he does not even care enough to have given you the support when you so needed it.

"What can I do to help myself move on?" you ask. I would first try to contact your "best friend", explain things to her, tell her you need friendship and need to talk. Invite her out for a walk or lunch, a place where you feel comfortable and can have the privacy to talk. Tell her all your feelings and what you have been through. Maybe you can rekindle that friendship and find some support from her.

The loss of a relationship is very difficult to go through. It is a form of bereavement. If you cannot let it go and lie in peace, then you really should seek professional help. Also, the lack of support from your family is reason to seek professional help to get through this time. When a woman becomes pregnant there are so many chemical, physical and emotional changes she goes through. The biological changes affect the emotions. When there is a miscarriage the biological process is then out of whack and there is an inbalance to your whole system: mental, emotional, physical. Counseling can help a great deal. A psychiatrist will mainly focus on medications to help someone - a psychologist will focus on reaching the root of the problem and work through the causes, trying to help you sort them out and understand them.

I hope you find some help in what I have written. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Let go of the past, give yourself the time and space to heal, and seek happiness. Learn to forgive those who are unable for their own reasons to support you - and forgive yourself. It is time to move on and find your path to happiness. Know that you are worthy of healing and being happy. Also know that a year from now you may look back on this time and realize that you have learned a lot and that some good has come out of it all. Find new friends, groups to join.

I wish you all the best.


Walk in Peace and Harmony.
Phyllis Doyle Burns
Avatar: Fair Helena by Rackham, Public Domain
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
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Adeline,

Claybird said it all so well and I just rambled on...

I encourage you to seek help. Melissa, our Mental Health editor, is a licensed clinical soccial worker and has written a great article about therapy. I urge you to read it at THIS LINK. I really think it might help you decide what to do. Melissa herself may offer you some wonderful advice.

Good luck, take care and hugs to you. And, as Claybird says: keep us posted. We care about your happiness.


Walk in Peace and Harmony.
Phyllis Doyle Burns
Avatar: Fair Helena by Rackham, Public Domain

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