BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids a baby wont save your marriage - my story

hello all, I have been reading this sight for a while but have not posted. I dont think anyone has covered this topic yet. what the life is like for the child that was born so the husband wouldn't leave the wife. well, that is what I am. I was born because my father was about to walk out and find someone who would give him kids. a kid can tell when its mother is merely tolerating them. my mom was in therapy because she had me. I deal with many self esteem issues and depression. I have a very hard time relating to people and can not hold a relationship. my therapist said it is because I do not believe there is anyone who can truly love me and have trust issues since my mom pretended to like me. I often feel like I just wasn't important. I feel like a feeble attempt my mom made to keep my dad. my mom struggled to deal with raising me and turns out my dad - who had to have offspring - wasn't interested in the raising part. he wanted offspring because men gotta sow their seeds and pass on their genes. my parents eventually got divorced because of me. turns out I only made their relationship worse. I used to listen to them argue. it was always about me and how stressful I was. my mom agreed to have me as long as my dad agreed to stay and love her more than the baby. the night they decided to divorce my mom asked my dad if the house was on fire and he could only save me or my mom, who would he pick. he picked me. my mom started to cry, saying but you promised to love me more, you said I was the most important person. he replied saying he only had one kid. neither parent wanted custody of me. my mom finally took me after my dad offered to support us 100% financially. I accept what I am and do the best that I can. I just want women to know that if you have a kid you dont truly want, your kid WILL know this even if you never say it and it will deeply effect how they live their life. there will be emotional scars and honestly, we come out a bit disfunctional.

Thank you so much for your honest post. It holds so much value here on this forum. You will find someone to love you. Your parents probably loved you but just DIDN'T want to be parents.

It's not a baby's job to save a marriage, it's the responsibility of the adults in it. This is one thing I don't like about some other forums I've visited, the whiny "But I thought children were supposed to be so good for a marriage." Sigh... Babies don't come into the world with wrecking balls, or wake up saying, "I wonder what I can do today to separate mom and dad." Irresponsible adults who have a child for an immature reason, like to prove they can, or they think that's the only thing marriage is about, or they want to "get it out of the way while they're young", or prove they can still do it late in life, or fit in with the neighbors, or get parents off their backs about wanting grandkids wreck their own marriages. EVERYONE who applies for a marriage license, regardless of whether or not they plan on having any kids, unless they can prove something like a sterilization, hysterectomy, infertility, or menopause, should have to go through a course on prospective parenting. There topics like Why do you want one or more children? How do you believe it or they can change your lives? What would or wouldn't you be willing to sacrifice of yourselves? Your time? Do you want a baby or do you want to love and guide the baby through all life stages? Do you want one or more kids or do you want to engage in the action of being a parent? Do you know how to avoid parenthood if you're not ready or don't want the 24/7 hands on job at all? This would give not only prospective couples but prospective parents food for thought and perhaps make them think a little harder on whether or not providing for the needs of another human being is really what they want to do. Your parents' behavior is more what I would expect from young children. "But you promised to love me more than her?" Sisters in sibling rivalry. An adult who wants another human being in the house, but doesn't want to be bothered with the full time care? I'm sure plenty of animal shelter workers have seen families return puppies and kittens their kids wanted but had no concept of the care. You didn't destroy your parents' marriage or even have anything to do with it, they destroyed it. Thank you for sharing your story, and you're right: it's stupid to have a baby to save a marriage.

Wow static_shadow, thanks for sharing your story! I hope that things will continue to get better for you as you deal with this. It's completely unfair that children have to pay for the actions of their parents. I have a small idea of what you went through. My dad can be a nice guy, but he tends to be self-absorbed and he should never have become a parent. He only had kids because my mother really wanted them and on the condition that she "do all the work". Lucky for my brother and I, our mom really wanted to be a parent and devoted whatever time and energy she had to us. Unfortunately, my Dad emotionally neglected her as well and she was often depressed, so that had a negative impact on us. And yes, we kids knew damn well that our father was less than interested in being a parent! I inherited that disinterest from him, which is probably the main reason I don't want to have kids. I was lucky enough to meet and marry a wonderful, supportive guy, which is a good thing because I also suffer from depression and self-esteem issues. Things are constantly improving thanks to therapy, but there's still a way to go. We can only hope that women (and men) who are considering having a child simply to please and/or keep a partner will reconsider after reading our stories.

Thanks for sharing, static. Just remember that when you find someone to share your life with, they will be choosing YOU.

Thank you for your story, static_shadow. I really feel for you. You should not think your mother didn't love you, though. She was just to self-centered to avoid making scene she meant for your father in front of you.

In a slightly different topic, if a couple is going through some difficulties, a child won't save their relationship . Even if the two partners think positively about the idea of having a child. Typically, if a couple has issues, no matter what (intimacy, communication, sharing of chores...), they will have arguments the existence of a kid will magnify exponentially. And there are starry-eyed women out there (I know one indirectly) who think that a man who is ready to go will stay if they get pregnant, because "the product of their love" would bring them together again!

Hi, Static Shadow! My mother also had kids because it was "the thing to do." She wanted to be proper and able to fit into the suburban lifestyle my father so wanted. Sadly, she was never able to take care of children, never really wanted them, and had existing emotional issues from abuse she suffered as a kid. And, you are so right, even at very young ages we knew we were a burden to her. Later, she'd tell us outright. Still, as we grew older and my mother grew old (and after years of therapy) she was willing to talk with us about her emotional problems and how she wished she'd been a better mom. It made us feel a little better but it's still very sad.

You are right, in spite of understanding and coming to terms with the fact that she did the best she could, scars do remain. Still, you can overcome and have a great life! Stay strong! Remember, you are a great person - you didn't choose your parents - this is simply an extra challenge you have to deal with in life.

This post made me so sad. I don't want kids because I don't want to sacrifice my life to them. But if I got pregnant I'd keep the baby, accept what had happened, and love that baby with everything I had. What's the point of being so bitter for so long about something you can't change? You shouldn't have kids unless you really want them, but if you do, for whatever reason, you can't blame them, and should do everything in your power to give them a happy life. I hope you find a lot of love, and maybe even have a baby of your own one day to give all the love you lacked and break this unhappy chain.

100% agree Rosie. The post has also made me wonder how someone can resent a little child for so long. I didn't want a child, I ended up with one, and hard as it was, I never blamed him for anything and I learned to love him. And when I have a breakdown now and then, I resent everybody (included my husband sometimes) who told me being a mother is such a beautiful thing, that you forget labor pain, that EVERY woman falls in love when they see her baby after delivery, that wanting children is natural and not wanting them is unnatural... but I have never ever resented my helpless innocent kid. In my opinion, a person who cannot get to feel some kind of tenderness if not love for a a baby (or a pet for that matter) with whom they have regular contact, has a strong love deficit that cannot be blamed alone on their childfree inclination.

Uh .. what? F* no to *that*, big time! I would certainly not be forced into any sort of class on children as a condition to joining my life partner in marriage. I knew I never wanted them from the time I was told what that "secret hole" was for; that was that. My one forced encounter with child rearing education was in Home Ec. I was so resistant to having anything to do with babies that I flunked out that part of the course. That was one 'F' I proudly claimed.

Spacecase, you need to be aware that some women would view a pregnancy announcement in the same way as being told that they had cancer. In fact, I did have a cancer scare and can attest to the sole feeling I experienced was "get this outa me!" That would be my same view if the pee stick should turn the wrong color. I don't need to be educated on prospective parenting. In no world of mine would it ever be allowed to happen or proceed if, by some disaster, it did occur.