BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree/Parent Wars

Have any of the rest of you noticed that there are two different kinds of childfree sites out there? There are ones like this, where both the cf and parents are allowed to post, and there are also the kind where parents are strictly forbidden, and usually verbally assaulted until they leave. These sites often use a lot of incendiary pet names (meant as insults to parents, often termed breeders), while other cf choose not to participate in using these terms. I am not condemning either type of forum. I am just curious if anyone prefers one or the other, or if some people enjoy both depending on their mood, or if some condemn the second type of forum, or the first. I only have one tiny complaint about the second kind. It seems to me, from what they write as well as how often they post, that the people posting in this strictly cf only kind of forum live, breathe, and eat child/parent hate, without ever actually enjoying the life afforded to them by being childfree. It's kind of like they are tied to their hate the way parents are tied to their children. I suppose my complaint about the first kind of forum is that, when you do need to call someone out, you can't let it all hang out. Also, eventually a parent will read the rules and still not get it, and bingo the posters. I am happy with enough with the first kind of forum, mostly because I am too busy with realspace activities to post very often. I guess I'm not into all the vitriol, either. Whenever I hate or dislike some kind of person, I do my best to avoid them or even talking about them.

To be honest, this was the first childfree site I found - I haven't seen any of the 'no-parent' sites but they seem a bit pointless. To hate parents for their choice to have children makes us no better than some of the people posters are complaining about in this forum who hate them for being childfree. Plus, let's face it - someone has to have the children for the species to continue! As 'thinking' animals we are supposedly able to make a choice. The world is hugely overpopulated therefore it is not essential for everyone to breed and the biological need to breed is effectively removed. What is then left is the desire for children. All childfree people are for the most part are people who have realised there is no need for them to have children and then have been honest enough with themselves to realise they have no desire for children. Just because we've chosen the opposite to parents doesn't mean we're on the opposite end of the argument. There's no argument over whether all people should have kids or remain childfree - some will, some won't. What forums are for surely is sharing ideas and problems, getting advice on how to handle certain situations and, on occasion, venting! A forum that is purely for hate seems a bit counter-productive.

I have visited many CF sites and this is the only one that really resonates with me. Many thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences - it's good to not feel alone!

I've seen many of those sites and LivingDeadCupcake, you make an excellent point that some of the posters look so busy being angry at everything that is parent / children, they're not focusing on the benefits of their own CF lives. On one, I saw this huge debate on a thread over who is a better mother- working mother or SAHM. I couldn't understand this because 1. There is no one "best" way for everyone, people have different circumstances and different arrangements benefit different people and 2. I couldn't figure out why this group was so passionate in their arguing over what was best because it's an issue they don't even have to worry about, being CF. It's also kind of annoying reading the words "breeder" or "chyyyyldrun" used over and over again- along with more insulting terms. I understand ranting and saying things you normally wouldn't say to other people and in real life, but I kind of thought it was just too much. On the other hand, there is another site I do like to visit and enjoy what the posters have to say. Occasionally I'll see some of the stuff I just mentioned above, but the actual points they are making are good and make perfect sense. I also like that they don't exactly beat around the bush and mince words in their advice to one another. And lastly, I can definitely relate to many of the topics they are "ranting" about. So there's good and not so good and that particular site has its good as well as this one does in different ways. I guess it does depend on my particular mood at the time which one I prefer.

Hi guys, I'm spacecase. I live in a New England state. I am a mother of one, but having become one late in life, and not wanting children until my 30's, I understand and respect both choices, if they involve adult motivations. For example, if someone wants one or more children to love and guide a child from infancy or adoption thru adulthood, that's the one good reason to have child(ren). If they're wanting to force a marriage or manipulate a financial settlement or just blend in with parented friends, they will probably be disappointed in their choice and any children will suffer. If someone just doesn't like kids or has a health history they don't want to transmit or just knows there is something they'd rather do than love and guide another human being for the next 18+ years, this is adult reasoning. However, if they fear their husband will love them less or they want to hold onto something superficial, like a slim figure, this is not as adult a reason to opt out and they may be disappointed not so much at their choice but the results. Some CF divorce, and I gained weight not after birth, but after an injury where I couldn't exercise as much. The body changes as we age. I am looking for a CF where both parents and childfree can participate. We all have something in common. The "rant sites" I've visited, including a more civil British website where the moderator also allowed parents, tended to shut down due to infighting or lack of posts.

[quote=spacecase]However, if they fear their husband will love them less or they want to hold onto something superficial, like a slim figure, this is not as adult a reason to opt out . . .[/quote] Of course those might not seem like good enough reasons [i]for you[/i], but that doesn't mean those can't be important enough reasons for someone else. If someone cares more about their figure than having a baby, I would say they were very wise to opt out of having children.

Hey! I'm so glad people responded to my post! Capybara-the people on the anti-parent sites claim they are just venting, but when they discuss things at length that they have sworn they want no part of...like the pros and cons of breastfeeding? My sil is a pediatrician, and she rolls her eyes when someone claims that a non-parent should have no opinion on how children are treated, and rightly so. However, I just don't care which is better! I consider this to be one of the joys of CFdom! Surely, there are plenty of parents worried about this, and they don't need my help. Sure, I might think about it at some point, but not enough to keep on rehashing it, peppered with expletives, over and over again. Lemondrop-I really like this site too! Periwinkle-I do that too, visit both to some extent. There is some craziness out there, though. And what irks me is, I am more tolerant of kids than I used to be, and enjoy my nephews immensely. Some sites would belittle me for that, but think nothing about a CF who chooses to be a teacher, exposing herself to much more kiddy funtime than me, so long as she uses expletives and terms like "breeder" and "chyldrun." Personally, I don't think either kind of person should be belittled. We are all exposed to children, and I don't want to be involved with a site that makes a contest out of "who is more CF," even if I didn't like kids! There are some ranty sites that I enjoy, but mostly they don't use this language, nor alienate parents who don't harrass them. Spacecase-I think you will enjoy this site, then. We definitely have parents. I've often heard that parents of only's often feel like outcasts of both groups. Here to talk- Very wise indeed. Just not wanting them should be reason enough, regardless of why.

This is the first site I landed on when I was searching the web for any info on husbands wanting children but their wives don't. I'm glad I landed on this site where people can express their opinions and sometimes rant and vent, but it's all done in a respectful manner. I'm no prude, but I have enough negative emotions going on in my life right now due to a pending divorce, and I really don't want to deal with that on a site where I am looking for support and camaraderie. It would take more time than I have to look for other sites anyway, and I am happy to have found this pleasant group to chat with who share my views on being CF. There is so much evidence out there of bad parenting and parents messing up their kids's lives. I think if you do not want to have children 100% then you just shouldn't have them at all. Any reason not to have children is good enough reason to be CF. In the long run it is not fair to have an innocent child suffer for a parent's regrets or poor choices.

I've seen some rant sites and they are not for me. I just don't have that kind of anger about my decision to not have kids. I get annoyed at friends who do decide to have them, mainly because i selfishly can't have them to myself anymore. They become very invested in their kids, leaving me bereft. It makes me sad, but not particularly angry.

I might want to rant from time to time, but I don't want to use insulting hate talk to get my point across. So yes, this is the kind of place for me.

Jilly, you hit the nail on the head, my dear!

I, too, am mostly saddened when my friends go off to start their families. OK, I'm bitter for a minute, too, but it's like you said: the selfish part of me throws a fit that I can't play with my friends anymore! :-) But I'm never angry about it, and the anger and negativity is in ample supply in everyday life. Many of us come to forums like these to get a break. The last thing we need is more nastiness rubbed in our faces.

One thing that has amazed me about this forum is the willingness of parents to admit that they are not 100% thrilled about parenthood, and how they may have come into it reluctantly. Reading their honest experience and knowing that even the willing parents have understanding and empathy toward the CF community is so incredibly refreshing. So mamy have said it, but it's so assuring to know you're not alone and are understood by more people than you may have known!