BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So Devestated

I wish I could quote some of you to all those people who think guys don't want kids and all women do. None of my friends seems to know any women who don't want kids (except me!)

This is horrible position to put someone in, and I agree with the others that he has no idea how much work is involved in raising a baby and whatever work comes up, it will fall on you.

Run!

Dear Heartbroken- My husband has done the same thing to me, and the scenario is almost exactly the same. My heart goes out to you. I'm 37, have a wonderful career teaching, singing and performing, and I feel as if I'm talking myself into this for him. I may give up a Doctorate for this, and I never wanted kids. I thought we had the perfect marriage, but now the game has changed. Even if my husband doesn't leave me, I will feel guilt for the rest of my life for depriving him of something he really wants, and that's no perfect marriage. You MUST be true to yourself. Read the forums hear that deal with women who are having real trouble being moms. They are MISERABLE. You WILL find someone else to love you, but if you have a baby and don't want one, you will RUIN YOUR LIFE! It's hard enough for women who do want kids and love them dearly to make the sacrifices that motherhood requires. Examine this very closely before you make a decision. The chances of you finding another man who will love you for who you are are much greater than you being happy with a child you never wanted.

Solalux- Would love to chat more about your life and situation. My hubbie seems to be a lot like yours, and we're in the throes of making up our minds about this. He's offering to shoulder whatever he can, but it doesn't really change the fact that I don't want a baby. Are you doing ok? You mentioned the "Horror..." Thanks!

Virgogirl,

yes, for me it was horror, because the pregnancy was like a countdown for what I knew it would be the worst day of my life, namely, birth. Pregnancy was "OK" compared to the horror stories you hear from other people, but I only survived the terror and the disgust about my body with a lot of denial and focusing on so many old tales of women who changed miraculously when they saw their little faces. BTW, I'm still waiting to meet one of those women in person. I think they are some urban myth (or just very good liars). I disliked babies even more than usual at the time. Before, I had never had interest in them, I found the crying annoying (still do) and I never liked it when people forced me to hold one, but during the pregnancy the sight of one was enough to bring me down for days. I can only say, that pregnancy and the first seven/eight months of my sons life have been the worst time of my life. The fear, the guilt, and after the D-day, the guilt, the boredom, the non existent sex-drive... and also some resentment towards my husband TBH... I mean, I did a good job with my accident scheme, that made him not guilty, but the fact that he lived my pregnancy with anticipation (with occasional breakdowns, because I was really miserable), the fact that he really was moved to see his "little face" (not me, I just wanted him out), and last but not least, that he tried to talk me into breastfeeding, when I had made very clear that I'd rather die that do such thing (with the subsequent aggravated guilt) were enough to make me resent him occasionally.

Of course every case is different, for me the whole physiological process is a reason not to have children. If you are not so put off by that, I don't know... my son was very easy-going. At least, again, compared to things you hear about other babies. Slept a lot, cried little. (If he had been different I might have easily gone out of my mind, lol) but the lack of freedom, the constant attention, and the responsibility are so overwhelming! But that part gets better with the months. I do love my child very much now. He is 2 1/2. And he is more and more independent. I am glad that my husband is soooo happy, and that all the thinking, the mental torture, my attempts to try to talk me into believing it was a good idea are behind me.

If I hadn't done it I would still be having panic attacks every time my husband came up with some comment making obvious that he was still hoping. The guilt of depriving him of something that seems like the best thing in the world for everybody was driving me crazy. Not to mention that I felt there was something very wrong with me for being different from everybody else. And now I know that it is OK to be different.

I recently put my son's pram, the car seat and all that stuff up for sale and I can't wait to have that part of my life behind me. And with it the questions about "when comes a little brother or sister".

Oh Solalux- Your situation sounds exactly like mine too. I'm at the panic attack stage. Hubs and I talked about this before we got married; I told him it was likely that we'd have no children. He didn't care. 7 years later, he's changed his mind. He says he only wants a baby because he's married to me, and he wants to "see me in our child's face." I think he has a romanticized vision in his head and has no idea what having a baby is going to be like. On the other hand, he tells me I'm too negative and that my vision of having kids is much worse than what it will actually be like. I am absolutely guilt-ridden over this and I know there is no real solution except divorce. Hubs has said he doesn't want to leave me, and that if I can't do it, he'll be upset, but not forever. But maybe this will change too, eh? I love him so much and I really "want to" want to have a child. It would be so much easier if I were looking forward to it so the bad stuff would be easier to endure. How's your marriage? I think I'd be so bitter over what my husband wants me to do that I'd begin to resent him, and there goes the whole reason I had the kid in the first place. My hubs said he is more than willing to share the load, and my Mom has offered day care (we'll see how long that lasts, as she is a reasonably selfish thing). I dunno. Did you get your bod back reasonably? Are you sleeping ok? A friend pointed out that if I'm worried about these things, I'm not mother material. Thank you so much for the insight.

This is very sad. I wish hearbroken will come back. people are allowed to change their minds and its hard for the couple if that happens. the "i will leave you part" is very hard to hear, but honest. if that is how he really feels than that is what it is. and yes i agree it is selfish. but people who have children that is pretty selfish too, we are living in an overpopulated world anyway.

VirgoGirl, from what you are telling me, your husband is very much like mine, lol.
He could also say things that would have melted away some other woman's heart, like "it will be the product of our love" "half you half me". I felt really mixed with that. On the one hand, I could acknowledge that it was kind of sweet and romantic of him. On the other hand, I could not understand, how he could think putting my body through so much hell was romantic. Or how he could love me and want me to go through that. Not to mention I see nothing romantic in babies and children. Have you ever see a good romantic movie with them?

And he also believed babies are not that much work, that all is a matter of organization, and setting limits, blah, blah, but that is always better said than done, and I really did not want the responsibility.

He would also say that we would stay together no matter what, but I could tell that he believed that I would change my mind one day. And that was for me torture enough. I remember using the same expression. I wanted to want, but really, I didn't.

I was so desperate at the time that I started to misread some signs, I found endearing how he could be so sweet to kids from friends, hold babies, etc (BTW, a LOT less since he has one, I have talked about it with him, and accused him of being manipulative at the time, but he says our son is so especial, that others have lost interest, lol, whatever) I could also be occasionally really turned on by the idea of him making me pregnant during sex.
I've learned the hard way these things mean nothing, it is just the animal in us compelling s to reproduce!

My marriage works surprisingly good, I feel no resentment, because it was after all my fault for being so insecure. My husband had immense patience with me, not something to be taken for granted. Let's face it, he also thought the drama would be over when the child was there. He never thought I was a monster for not loving the child, always was sweet and trying to understand. He is happy with just one child.

We have a lot of things in common and we feel good together. We love and need each other. We belong together. Our economics are doing good, so our household runs smoothly, we have time for ourselves too, because we have only one. So, yes, although i still get flashbacks from the past from time to time, We are doing good.

My body got back to normal pretty fast weight-wise, but i have hemorrhoids and a slight incontinence as a souvenir from birth. And the sex has slowed down a lot on my side. It is getting better, but what I used feel as sexual organs became reproductive organs overnight.

PS. I wrote on my facebook I was selling the pram, car seat, etc, and a friend of mine commented: "What happens if you get another one?". You would think that selling the baby stuff is a strong proof that it is over, but no. And the best thing is, I have told her personally that I am not having babies again, under no circumstances. I dedicate this one to people out there who hope that some day people will stop asking, lol.

If Mr Kalinka decided one day he wanted kids, no matter how sweetly he said it, it would be OVER.

A child deserves parents who both want it to come into the world, not a mother or father who are going against their own wishes and better judgement. How could that ever be a good start for a kid? How could a man who claims to love me be willing to see me go through a pregnancy and birth that would be torment for me, just to fulfil his wishes?

Both sides need to be willing partners. Please, virgogirl, only have a child if it's what YOU truly want too.

You are completely right, kalinka. I wish I had always had so much self-assurance in this issue. Unfortunately, deep down, I always thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting children, something I have to overcome to be like everybody else. When I started therapy after the my son's birth, I thought its objective had to be, finally realizing that having a child was great, and finally being like everybody. My therapist told me from day one that there was nothing hidden in my head, that I just didn't want any children, and that there are a lot of women in this world who'll never have them because they don't want them, as well as women who have them just because of the circumstances without really wanting them. I was going there for months without believing her till I found the bellaonline forums, lol. Anyway therapy is over, I'm fine now.

Another thing, relationships are all different. I have dated a lot in my life, and the moment a guy would say something like: "when I have children", he would be history. My DH was just to perfect (for me of course, he might be not such a big deal for others) so I couldn't let him go. Just like that.

Kalinka, well said! Solalux, I really sympathize with you, I would have probably taken your same path had I not found this forum! Just the other day, I was telling my husband that we must think of the future and plan well, b/c we want to move out to a nicer place, travel once or twice a year, get better cars, save some money, etc....and he shyly said: and what about having a kid? I told him flat "not today, not tomorrow, not ever"!! and gave him my reason # 457 for not wanting kids. Turns out he still thinks I will change my mind because "I've changed my mind in the past about other stuff"...As much as I love him, I would never have a kid to please him, and rather suffer him leaving me than being stuck with a kid I didn't wish, although if I lose him I would be com-ple-te-ly devastated. One thing we agree on however, is that I want a cat and he wants a dog in our near future!