BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Tensions with my husband :(

There's been some tension with my husband lately and I wonder if it has to do with my decision to be CF. We decided not to talk about it until he's made up his mind, but lately there was a lot of baby talk around. My friend with her 7 month old visited us, my other friend announced she's pregnant, my brother and his wife have started "trying" and are oh so excited, his parents are asking (they don't know yet that I don't want any, but suspect), etc. Everytime, he tells me "see, having kids is the most natural thing". But then I take out my 1,000 reasons for deciding to be cf, and it causes tension b/w us. Why? Because apparently he still doesn't know if he wants to have kids or not. But the arguments we've been having makes me wonder if he knows he wants kids but doesn't know how to tell me, or is he just feeling pressured? It's hard to believe that a 32-year-old man can't make up his mind about this issue. You either want or not! Grrr I'm so upset right now. What if it take years for him to "decide"? I wish WE could close this issue once and for all, instead of me looking like the monster compared to our friends and others. I'm tired of having to defend my decision (to him) everytime.

It sounds to me like he is giving in to pressure that surrounds him. He can't make up his mind because he is allowing what other people do and think of him to change his mind.

You said you both decided not to talk about it until he has made up his mind. i think you should consider talking about it now. This is a huge issue, and you shouldn't have to defend yourself to your own husband. You should try to get him to spend time coming to a decision on his own. His parents, family, friends, NONE of these people should matter when it comes to making up his mind!

Stay strong, you are NOT a monster! You are actually doing what you think is right for you, not what other people think you should do. If he knows you are truly CF, then he should respect that and not pester you!

Hello gullivera

WHAT???? So, let me get this straight --- you are waiting for HIM to make up his mind? Does that mean if he decides that he wants you to have a kid,you will have one for him? RED FLAGS all over the place....


If you truly don't want a kid you better get a permanent fix (e.g. tubes tied). And don't rely on him to get snipped 'cause it sounds like he's not so sure what HE wants IMHO.

cp

What about looking at it this way? If he decides he MUST have a child, then your marriage will end, right? Can't you just table the issue until he decides? What good is there in rushing a decision? If he hurries to make up his mind that he wants a kid, he might just change it at a later date, by which time you might have unnecessarily divorced (or alternatively, he could decide he doesn't want one, then change his mind, which will then make the "maybe baby" issue rear its head again). Live for now. You can't make up his mind for him, so enjoy your time together.

In all honesty- both of you could change your minds 100 times over between now and the end of days. Why does a choice need to be etched in stone as of this moment?

I would definitely sit down and talk to him about this issue at hand. Now, he does want children or he thinks he does- you can't dismiss that off and not consider his feelings either. This effects you both and you got to remember that.

If you go tie your tubes just to put your foot down, then that is the WRONG reason for it! Yes it is your body and you got the right to do with it as you wish. That's for sure- but you got to remember, this is a marriage and you got to remember that whatever choices are made will effect you both. You can't dismiss his feelings either. Put the shoe on the other foot- what if it was you that wanted a child and he said he was going to go get clipped because he had his mind made up- period! How would you feel about that?

I hope it all works out for you.

Contrary to popular believe, I don't think people ever change their minds in this matter.

Solalux - I agree with you.

Unfortunately, many people allow their s/o to rule them and live a miserable, sorry life forever after.(shakes head, rolls eyes).

cp

[quote=HereToTalk]What about looking at it this way? If he decides he MUST have a child, then your marriage will end, right? Can't you just table the issue until he decides? What good is there in rushing a decision? If he hurries to make up his mind that he wants a kid, he might just change it at a later date, by which time you might have unnecessarily divorced (or alternatively, he could decide he doesn't want one, then change his mind, which will then make the "maybe baby" issue rear its head again). Live for now. You can't make up his mind for him, so enjoy your time together. [/quote] Thank you all so much for your answers, I really appreciate it. This one really helps. I know I can't rush him into making a decision, but it's starting to be annoying to always have to defend myself, as if I'm a bad person. All I care about is him, and obviously his opinions matter and hurt. It seems that he doesn't fully understand my decision, and specially how serious the issue is.

Well, I've known family and friends that have changed their mind. My cousin for example, she didn't want children (she's a cop). Well she made that clear when she met her husband. About 8 years into the marriage, she all of a sudden started to hear her clock ticking and wanted a child. We were blown away by it cause she never seemed to be the mother type.

Now I will admit that not everyone is cut out for parenthood and with the busy lifestyles we lead these days, it is great that people are aware of their life demands. Not all lifestyles are created equal and not always the best to raise children.

I was just saying that maybe there could be a change of heart. What if you get your tubes tied and 5 years later, you decided you wanted to have a child? I'm just saying that doing that is burning the bridge- that's all.

Whatever choices are made- I wish the best and of course happiness.

I was maybe a little extreme saying "ever". But really it doesn't happen often. People saying they don't want children don't mean it 100% sometimes. They may be considering the idea but are scared or just embarrassed to say they want something they're not sure they're going to get or be able to handle. Or they refer to their present life situations, and when that changes, their mind changes too (I have also known a couple of friends in this category) Or they may have not given the whole thing a lot of thought (e.g. some men, a few women).

But people with strong feelings for or against having children... really, I cannot imagine.