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Joined: Jun 2009
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akars Offline OP
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hi. i just wanted to ask for advice about my situation. I'm 29y/o now and i met this guy in a bar last february of this yr. He left his business card. He said he's been separated for almost 1 yr now and he's got a son. He asked me of my age and said I'm 29 he thought i was only around 24. then he asked me to guess his age and i said around 37-38 and he said i was right. I wasn't interested at first but as we were talking i find him really an interesting guy and enjoyed talking to him.That night i left with my friend & made me think if i should contact him, he asked for my number but i didn't give it to him that's why he left his business card. I thought about it for few days and decided to contact him. First time i met him since we met at the bar he joined me and my friend for a coffee on his birthday. Then he invited me to go to his brother's house warming party the ff week at this apartment that he's managing. I've been thinking after that night if should i go. After few days he sent me a text inviting me out but i didn't coz i was kind of hesitant. Anyway i've decided to go to his brother's party few days after and that's where it all started, I felt he wanted to have an intimate relationship already that night but i didn't want to so nothing happened. After that party that night, he invited me to have dinner at his place the ff day before he goes to a business trip for a week coz he said he wanted to spend time w/ me. I thought about it and decided to see him yet i didn't let anything happen. he went to his business trip 2 days after we seen each other. and a week after he came back and sent me a message saying he's been thinking about me while he was away which made me feel happy. So we meet up again yet i didn't let anything happen. He said everytime i say no he feels really rejected from me. And it made me feel bad so i told him the only reason why i couldn't do it is because i've never done something like that before, i mean seeing a separated guy (meaning he's still a married man) and that i'd only let something happen if it meant really special to me. So we kept on seeing each other like once, twice a week and finally i let it happen and gave myself to him. I've decided to do that because i feel so much for him already but i didn't tell him that. We kept on seeing each other and then lately he's been telling me that he feels guilty everytime we meet up. He said he's been separated w/ his wife for the 3rd time but he never slept or went out w/ any other women. Only this time w/ me and that makes him feel guilty. He said he wanted to see me but he doesn't want to because of wrong impressions. It made me confused. I know he's told me before he's not ready yet for any commitment but he really likes me, he feels for me and wanted to get to know me more. We kept on seeing each other and there were times when i would text him to say i missed him and hopefully we can catch up. At first he would reply to my msgs straight away bbut recently it takes him days to reply and sometimes not at all. It made me think a lot but i didn't want to show him i'm upset about it coz i don't want to scare him away. He went for another business trip for about 3 wks and i didn't hear from him at all. Until last friday i went out w/ friends and asked his brother to join us and then he text me that night to say his phone is now working so i asked him if he's back already & he said yes. I asked him to come but he said he can't due to loads of work that he needs to finish so i just told him take it easy that night and hoping to see him soon coz i missed him. His brother came and then i didn't expect he'd come. We had a chat and i told him i wanted to spend time w/ him coz i missed him and he asked me if do i think we shoould spend time together and i said for me yes but i don't know for him. He said "yes we have to" so we spent that night together. Before we departed, he asked me what should we do if we should still keep on seeing each other and i wanted to say yes but i didn't so i said i don't know. He said he'll text me after few days. 2 days passed i didn't hear from him so i text him to say how he is. He didn't reply. After 4 days i text him again and asked him to join me and friends to go out. He sent me a msg around 11pm saying he just finished work. That;s all he said. I was really sad that night coz i felt he didn't want to see me. The ff day around 9am i text him and said if we can have dinner together coz it's my day off and i've got nothing planned. He replied to me and he said "he's havng huge problems at home that he wanted to solve alone, that he's not ready for any commitment yet, that he thought he was but he was wrong. he said it's got nothing to do with me. that it seemed to him i was looking for a steady partner just when he's getting out of a very long one. and that he will call me when he's ready and hopefully i'm available still" I was really sad and cried all day. I sent him a reply and told him i didn't expect to fall in love with him, that i couldn't stop crying and it really does hurt coz we met at the wrong time and loving him is something that i didn;t expect to feel. He replied back to me and said "sorry, that i am a top girl and i deserve better. that it's got nothing to do with me at all. that it's just the fact that what i am looking for is exactly the oppossite coz he's not in a position to offer that yet.He dacided to stop seeing me coz he sensed that i was getting involved and so that he won't hurt me further. He said he may not be ready for a long time so at the moment he can only go out on casual times, no strings attached." I replied to his message that i do understand his situation that maybe yes i am getting more attached to him but i never asked him to commit to me coz i know he's not ready yet. That's why i'm still willing and happy to still see him without any commitment. But iguess he's already made the decision not to see me anymore and i won't force myself on him about it. I told him i'll cherish every moment that we've spent together even just for a short period of time. That i'll miss him and thanked him for his honesty. He didn't reply anymore after my last message to him. I missed him a lot and it's been a week already that i haven't heard from him. I felt like i wanted to text him and apologize for that i've said that i hope we can catch up again even if he doesn't want to commit. I know i love him already but i'd rather see him still w/o any commitment if that's what he want. I'm really depressed and don't know what to do. I felt like he's lied to me about his age too but it's too late now coz i love him. maybe if i found out earlier would be more easy for me to forget. I feel like it's all my fault that's made him decide to stop seeing me. Please help and advice. Does anyone think he's still contact me one of these days after all he has said on his message? Thank you akars

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The sooner you wipe him out of your life the better! A married man, no matter how shaky his situation may be, who takes up with another woman is a (insert any really bad name you want here). He has lied to you, and probably in more ways than you have any idea about. He will break your heart sooner or later, that is guaranteed, so you may as well make it sooner. Break off all contact, cry your heart out, and start getting over him.
(((akars)))
I've been there, and it's no fun, but you will get through it.

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akars Offline OP
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thank you... i think it was all my fault after all that's why i ended up getting hurt.... in the first place i shouldn't have let myself gotten involved w/ a separated guy. I got really hurt coz it's all new for me. I'm still expecting that one of these days he'd call me again and see each other again but ur right, i guess i should just let it go no matter how hard it is.. :(

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Hello Akars! I couldn't believe you posting because I'm in the same situation. Back in December I joined Facebook. I started communicating with a guy I had a huge crush on in high school. Back in h/s he dated one of my friends. (I liked him way before her...lol.) I'm 31 and have been single for most of my adult life, still a virgin actually. That's another ball of wax. Before meeting him, I was finally at the point of life where I felt "If I meet someone, I meet someone." Then him and I went for drinks. He told me right off the bat that he was separated. He went into the Marines right from h/s and has served in Iraq twice. He is also a member of the FDNY. Was not expecting to date him for the next 3 months. I was thrilled and loved every minute of it. His wife cheated on him and aborted his child (He thinks it was his child.) I felt terrible for the situation he was in. She already living with someone else. I never pressured him, let him talk as he felt comfortable. We started seeing each other probably 2x a week. I finally thought that part of my life was coming together. He introduced me to his best friend/wife. Went all out on Valentine's Day. I never asked for any of it. It was all initiated by him. So when I felt ready, I told him about me being a virgin (hardest thing for a guy to understand). He understood 100% and valued me for it. Also said that it took pressure off of us bringing our relationship to that level so fast. We were intimate in many other ways, mostly initiated by him. The last time I saw him, I initiated. This when he couldn't go forward and told me about the abortion. He kept telling me that it had nothing to do with me. Held my face in his hand. Still to this day I feel he was sincere. I thought our talk brought us to a new level. I told him that he had to deal with what he was feeling, anger, pain, etc. Thanked me for listening. I had no idea he would pull away from there. It's like I touched him and he ran. How can I not feel it was me? Days would go by. It took text messaging and emails for him to apologize. I backed off but continued to initiate contact after that, every once and a while. I didn't want him to forget me. He has always replied. I picked up some things that belonged to me without us seeing each other. I felt it was easier than him watching me cry. Go figure the next day, he contacted me. The one and only time. It's been 4 months and we went for drinks the other night. Initiated by me. We had a nice time. Nothing intimate happened. You felt that what happened with us hung overhead. I wanted him to bring it up but it never came up. He walked me to my car. I asked if I would here from him. He said "I think so." I emailed him yesterday saying I had a good time. He replied that he had a good time too. Because I'm a pathetic fool, I said we should get together soon, if he wanted. That I missed seeing him. NO RESPONSE! I then sent an email last night saying that I'm a fool for not letting this go. I couldn't accept that he didn't want to be with me. Didn't care. Shut his feelings off. That I finally got the message that he hasn't initiated any contact. That as much as he's replied, he would initiate if he wanted any contact. He is away with the Marines for the weekend. I have no clue if he will respond. Of course I want him to tell me that he has missed me....yada yada yada. I can't stop crying. Such a fool to think that part of my life was coming together. I'm the only single one left of my friends and feel empty. Still hoping he will realize he does miss me. My heart is broken!!!!

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akars and will I be happy - Stop dating and trusting seperated guys! I'm married and know for fact that "very married men" will tell girls/women that they are seperated when in fact it's an out and out lie! Be careful, don't fall for this! If they are not straight with you and things don't add up from the start or you have to "sneak" around, this is a red flag! Very RED! This is the oldest trick in the book for married men to say they are seperated. And if they are turley seperated, still stay away! If you can't find single guys, then focus on the ones that are in fact divorced. Don't get in the middle of a marriage problem, you will just get hurt! It is even more so if they are older upper 40's and 50's... It is just a scam to see if they still have it. They are just lookin for a quick fling or are just statisfied if they know they could of had you... It is also a mid life crises thing and they will always go back to their wife or should I say continue with their very married life and dump you. Please don't fall for this [censored]! If someone is truley interested in you, they will show it and prove it right away, and there will be no wondering or guessing. Once you have to question more than one thing, or not get proper responses, this is a huge red flag!

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My brother was truly separated, he didn't lie there. He started to date this lovely girl and eventually broke her heart, because at the end of the day, he couldn't give up on a 10 years relationship and didn't want to become a weekend father for his 2 year old son. So he and his wife worked really hard to work things out and they succeeded .

What I mean, even if the guy is not a douche-bag (and by the look of these two guys... I don't know) he is still a married man, with priorities somewhere else. Some people (like my brother) seem to be unable to take time for themselves and be alone to reflect a little and look at the big picture. (which btw I disapproved back then and I told him) He meant well, he thought everything was over with his wife, but I felt for this girl, because she was really in a bad place.

So, I am not very good at giving tips, but I would say, stay away from separated guys, and from guys in general who don't show real interest in you. I mean interest every day and in every circumstance. Stay away from guys who call only at weekends, who are unavailable from time to time... if you spend too much time waiting for the phone to ring or reading into his actions... not a good sign.

I was single for a long time, so I know. When I met my husband (at 33) there were no mind games, just obvious and plain interest to be together. It was easy and natural. Not once did I have to waste time reading his mind or waiting by the telephone.

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hmm not all guys are bad if they are separated i have been dating a separated guy my divorce is almost final and he is just beginning. we have pretty much been together daily since meeting 6 months ago and going strong i told him i would not be held on a sting waiting that he needed to get his act in gear or say goodbye. he has a ttorney which he has had for 6 months he just cant financially afford it yet and works hard to survive i see what he works and how much and its sad. and we have had many conversations about this... the saga will continue we will see but just wanted to say my story to let others know there not all bad.


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