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Joined: Mar 2009
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HowDoEyeHelp,

Wow, I'm so sorry for your family's situation. I think you have been given some great advice.

The idea for her to take some time for herself once a week is great. I strongly advice a weekly baby-sitter for maybe 4-6 hrs a week. This will give your wife a chance to run errands "peacefully" and perhaps do something for herself as well with that time.

She is obviously overwhelmed. I think she might be able to relate to a lot of the young, overwhelmed mothers who have found order and stability in their lives with flylady.net. This website teaches how to bring back order and peace to the home so that one can again find "joy" - and it does it in a fun, silly way - even has stuff that makes the kids want to get involved and help. Oh, and all of her tips that mothers find sooo helpful, are free! I truly think this might help more than anything else, because until she feels like things are at least somewhat under control, she's going to continue to be stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, etc. Of course, if she's truly "clinically" depressed, then that's a different issue - but still all the more reason for her to find information to help her manage life.

I hope things soon get better. smile

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I'm pregnant with my second child. My first is three years old now and I love her, but I really don't like being a mom. I've never told my husband this. He would be mortified as he loves kids and wants many but I just don't. I grew up as an only child with a unloving and very emotionally unpredictable mother. One miniature she'd be laughing, the next yelling or crying. I have never known my father. I don't even know the rest of my relatives with the exception of my grandparents who live far away. My mother paid me little attention, perfecting to bring various boyfriends she was dating in and out if our house all my life because she "wanted to be happy and I should just understand." It is still extremely hard for me to be close to anyone for fear of being rejected. I've never had many friends, even til this day. The friends I do have, I don't tell anything personal about myself like this to. I just don't know what I am supposed to do with a child. I no have zero experience in that area. When my daughter was born, I just carried her around and took care her but I didn't know how to interact with her so I didn't talk to her much. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. I walk around acting like everything is fine, but inside I just constantly feel like I am such a failure. I can see that I haven't interacted enough with my daughter because she acts different then other children and doesn't play with them. I live in a vary small isolated place, and my husband is gone for work until next year so I am alone. We don't have neighbors with children my daughters age, nor do we live in a very nice neighborhood. The playgroup I did used to take her to was canceled. It is the rainy season here so no one is outside. I am not in the states. As I read the posts in this topic it brought tears to my eyes though I haven't cried in months. It was as if some if the posts where straight out of my own thoughts. I can't tell anyone here how I feel because it is such a small community and the comments and stairs I would get would be unbearable to me. Even the look on someones face if I where to say it, doctors or nurses included. For many people, it's like the unthinkable thing for a woman to say, that she hates being a mother. Maybe it is only because it is difficult for me, and that is why I don't like it. I don't know, but either way it is killing me inside.

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I feel for everyone, and want you to know that you are loved, prayed for, and thought well of by ME!! I'm rooting for each of you, no matter your path, experience, or decision. With that said, I want to share advice, with the caveat that its based on my experience as a CF: 1) Make sure you make you feel special. Even if you only get a second to do so. I've learned to meditate to traffic. Brush my teeth by candlelight. A monthly massage at the cheapest place in town (started off being once every few years.. so whenever you can get it, thats all that counts). 2) Don't feel guilty, validate your feelings and stick up for yourself. Its not the place of anyone to judge you, we have never walked in your shoes. When bad things happen to you, don't take them as a reflection of you. But do try to deal with yourself, and then look for good things to restore your hope. 3) Let yourself give up. As often as you need to. I've been committed to some things for close to a decade, only because I let myself 'mentally' quit as often as I need to. No one ever knows about it... but being able to say 'I hate doing so and so, or I hate that this person thinks that I'm XYZ just because of BCD' helps me not resent every person for not validating it. I guess I finally learned its my job to extend grace to me when no one else can. Its the only way I can breathe and live when life gets tough. 4) Don't give up on yourself. Its not over yet. Thanks for being you.

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Dear Marie, I really feel for you.
You sound really lonely and you may have a false image of how motherhood should be. You say you live in a small community, but even there you should try to meet other moms as soon as possible. If you talk to others, you will see how stressed out everybody is (yes, even those who love being moms have their up and downs) and you will find a lot more understanding that you think. Is your daughter in day-care? IF not, I suggest she goes for a couple of hours.

On the other hand, hating being a mother is not such an unthinkable thing. At least not for professionals. You are right, it is a huge taboo, nobody talks about it, but it is not that uncommon and if you talk to your family doctor or even your gynecologist/ midwife, they might direct you to some therapist that can help, (if you think that could help). A therapist cannot cure you into loving being a mother, but s/he can help you making the most of it and give you tips about how to interact with your daughter.
Also, you need to talk to your husband. You say he loves children and wants to have a lot. You also say he is not much around because of work. It is easy to love children if you only see them a couple of hours a day (and never alone) or every other week. One kid has proved to be more than enough for you. Just concentrate on the kid you have and the one coming. It is very unfair for you to keep having children for his sake, when all the work and stress and loneliness fall in your shoulders. Be rational about it with him. Maybe, don't use the words "hate being a mother". Just tell him that you feel overwhelmed, that it is a lot more work that you expected, explain to him how much attention a kid demands, how frustrated you are, that you wish you were doing a better job, and make him help you look for help. Daycare/ mursery, a couple of baby-sitting hours a week.

Don't overanalyse why you feel like this, you just do. Accept it and believe me, there are a lot more people like us out there.
I wish you all the strength in the world and good luck.

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Marie09,
You've gotten some great advice so far, and I hope you'll consider it all.

I wanted to add that your daughter's actions aren't necessarily a reflection on you. My mom talked/played/taught me things *constantly* as a child. She *loved* being a mom and so had a lot of joy and love towards me to give. However, I was super shy as a young child and very quiet at school!! My sister, who was treated the same as me, would keep to herself at school and definitely interacted differently than the other kids. Despite all the interaction with my happy mom, we were just shy kids is all.

I strongly agree with Solalux about making friends. I agree that it's hard to find a "true" friend that can be trusted, but they are out there. My good friends, whom I can tell just about anything, are such a blessing in my life, and I strongly feel that God led our paths to cross. I don't know your beliefs, but God can do powerful things in your life if you ask! Even if you don't find a deep friendship, I agree with Solalux that just "interacting" with other moms will be helpful for you. The more you're around them, the more you'll probably start to hear about "their" struggles, and you'll feel less alone in yours.

Finally, I would keep trying everyday to find things about motherhood that you enjoy. Don't give up on it. Get some books/magazines on parenting that might you give some fun ideas. If you enjoy hobbies such as gardening or cooking, try to get your daughter involved. If you don't have hobbies, find some for your enjoyment.

I know there is joy that can be found, and in a few years from now, you might be in a completely different state of mind - finding much joy in being a mom. Things can change, so hang in there!

Do be sure you are taking care of yourself - getting enough sleep, nutrition, exercise (at least 10 min of vigorous exercise a day for mood lifting), sunshine, and fish oil if you don't eat fish - this is very important for brain health. And strive to stay organized/on top of things - this will do wonders for your sense of well-being. Flylady.net has great ideas for this. Do these things for yourself and for your daughter - you both deserve it. I wish you the best. smile

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Fluffernutter, Wow, you and I are living parallel lives. I posted something about hating being a mom. I wasn't paying attention to this forum, I was just wanting to rant. Now that I see I'm not alone, I don't feel like such a 'shitheel' as you so eloquently put it. BTW, my twins are 3-1/2 and my youngest is 15 months. So I know exactly how you feel.

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Ok, I had a vacation, which was MUCH NEEDED. Now I don't hate being a mom anymore (at least for now). I think when we feel that need to run away, we really do need a break. I went on vacation WITH my kids, came back exhausted, but refreshed in the same sense. I needed downtime. If the men in our lives had the common sense to let us have the freedom necessary to breathe a sigh of relief without having to fight so hard for it, maybe women wouldn't hate the position we are pushed into. Why are women stuck in this work-all-the-time-because-noone-else-can-handle-it role? I don't want it. Do you? I doubt it. I always wished I could be the man of the house instead of the woman, but just in the role sense, not body. The man just seems to have it so much easier. Maybe we're just smarter. I don't know. Just babbling. I just thought I'd share that I don't feel so crazy anymore. I love my kids again and appreciate my life a little more than before.

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Melody, I'm so glad you got some down time. You have an amazingly stressful mix of little ones in your household! 3 under 5 - and 2 at the same level of (I would imagine) potty-training and tantrum throwing. No wonder you are wiped out!

Dad's often (not all, but many of them) have no clue how stressful the kids actually are. My husband is so terrific about helping out around the house, I do not ever complain about him - he takes care of ME. But even he does not often see the kids in full-out "aggravation" mode, because he doesn't get home from work in time.


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You've got that right. It must a 'mom curse' that kids are only rotten for their mom. Not so for dad or babysitters or even grandma. When I had all three in daycare, the workers there told me my kids are very quiet and respectful, they never talk or hit or scream, etc. I stood there for half a minute contemplating the compliments and then said, "Are you sure you're talking about MY kids?" But, yeah, sure enough, my little ones are perfect angels for everyone BUT me. It's like a switch goes off the second they see me, they collaborate and say, "hey, let's see how many hairs we can get to turn gray today" or "how many colors can mama turn when she's stressed?" or "let's flip a coin to see who should scream all the way home!" When I was pregnant with my last baby (who was quite a surprise) I still had to take care of the twins who were 1-1/2 at the time. I was always wiped out and really angry that I was never pampered. It seems to me that every time I'm tired, DH has already passed out or claims to be exhausted. When I'm sick, he's sicker. He can be the bane of my existence at times. I comtemplated at that time to write a 'how-to' book for husbands on how to treat their wives when they are pregnant. All my friends offered to buy several copies. I suppose, though, that I'll need an illustrator to draw the images in sequential order for those who can't find the time to read; it would be simpler to leave the book open to the page that is necessary to pass along...lol. I'm really cracking at my husband, but he's a good guy, he just required intensive training. Hmmm...maybe that's what I'll call it, "Training Course for the Man of a Pregnant Woman" or something like that. Little asterisk below can state, "Complete with a motivational guide to keep your man on course!" lmao. Several sequels can follow to completely support all the complaints that women try to resolve, but can't seem to do so. I'm just kidding. I don't have time for that. How can I when I'm still training DH and caring for three little ones?

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Hi Marie :] I'm not a mother, but I feel that I grew up with 5 mothers. (Because I lived with my mom and my 4 aunts practically my whole life) But even with that experience, I too get overwhelmed when my in-laws talk about me giving them a grandchild. My mom and my aunts have always been kind to me, and i'm thankful for the way the raised me. Even with an absent father..I think i cam out pretty good. But the simple thought of being a mom, turns me off. Maybe its fear..I dont know. Did you ever experience that before you had your kids? (That the thought of having a baby was too much for you?) To be honest with you what i dislike about the idea of being a mom..is that in this world..sadly..EVERYTHING is on the mom. Even when you get married..its like you adopted a big baby boy who you're suppose PUSH HIM to be the BEST he can be. To lower this stress you have; occupy your time and you man definitely needs to give you a hand so you can have free time. Whats the point of having a husband, if he doesn't help you?? The old fashion way was the wife does everything..not in my world. I'm running my house evenly. One kids is a lot, two...i cant imagine. Just hang in there, and try to have time for yourself thats very very important. You cant carry all the weight on your own..thats not fair. Maybe you should consider moving to a more family friendly area too..so that you can go on walks and hikes and such... Good luck friend <3

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