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I hate being a mother. Anyone else? #548785
09/15/09 08:26 PM
09/15/09 08:26 PM
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MelodyFor3 Offline OP
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Everyone will think I am so awful for this, but I hate being a mother. I really hate being a mother. I have three kids and never a moment's peace. I'm currently at work (doing something I shouldn't, but I am feeling down). My first pregnancy was twins. Because I had no health insurance, I didn't know it was twins until I was four months pregnant. When I saw the ultrasound, I cried for two weeks straight because I knew my life was over and it was too late for selective abortion in my eyes. I cried so hard in the doctor's office, they sent me outside to calm down. I didn't want twins. I didn't ask for that. Who the hell asks to have two babies at once? I wanted ONE. Just one, but no, God thought that was a funny plan and decided to plant two instead of one. When they were a little over 1 year old, I was at the doctor's office for birth control to get off the "mini-pill" from nursing and I was two weeks too late. Another baby girl. I had to work until two weeks before delivery and I took care of the twins while pregnant...all of this by myself because daddy was out getting drunk, so I kicked him out. After she was born, I was put on medication for a year and all it did was numb me to the point of not caring. Therapy did nothing. The therapists agreed: yup, your life sucks, and it won't get any better any time soon. Their dad has been a complete [censored] from the beginning. I had to do all the work and all the planning. He's come and gone. I kept taking him back because I have no choice. It's either some help or nothing. I have had to sacrifice everything that made me happy as an individual. I lost two years of my life by having to stay home because childcare was more expensive than my weekly pay. I lost my career of choice in the sciences where I excel and thrive and have lost all credibility there. I lost my ability to get my master's. I don't get enough sleep. they won't leave me alone to exercise. I can't eat the foods I like because I have to cook for picky eaters (meaning I want nothing but vegetables and they eat everything BUT vegetables no matter how many times I try). I never have any time or money for myself and it is the same [censored] every day...drop off the kids, go to work, pick up the kids, go home. there's no money for anything else. Their dad is hardly ever around and has to work out of town all the time, so I'm always doing it alone. I can't even go for a walk if I want. And I even had to give up my cat because they're all allergic, who was my only friend when I was down. When I dropped her off, their father wasn't even sympathetic. It's just expected of me to give up everything and be a slave to everyone in the house. I'm sick and tired of sacrificing every part of me. Their dad hasn't given up a single thing; his life hasn't changed a bit. He's the fun parent while I do all the f'n work. I have begged him for some freedom, tried to coerce him, and even threatened him. I fear that I will snap if I don't get some freedom. I feel like a prisoner in my own house and I just want to be myself for a little while, not mom all the time. But every goal I try to set gets dashed. Every moment of peace I try to find gets taken away. I want to run away, but what's the point? My body has been deformed from having two large twins and a sumo baby. There's no money for me to go anywhere. Noone would take me in if they knew I abandoned my family. I am so trapped and I hate my life. I have tried to find joy in my life the way it is. I just don't see it anymore. I cry every time I have to go home and that sucks. It's just the endless chores that I am required to do day in and day out. I play with them and smile and laugh with them, read them stories, do my duties and tell them I love them, but that's all it is. After they go to bed, I have to clean up the mess and prepare for the next day. There's no time for anything else. I hate it. I wish I could start over. I've even considered dropping my kids off for adoption to do just that. But I'm considered a monster for thinking such things. I love my kids, but I can't stand being their mother. It's too demanding and I've been pushed too far. I've lost too much at this point and I want it back. Noone seems to understand my frustration and anger, which makes me feel more bitter and angry. I am all alone in this cruel world. Well, that's my rant. I feel a little better just getting it out. Time to go. I have to start the "second shift". Yay.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MelodyFor3] #548787
09/15/09 08:36 PM
09/15/09 08:36 PM
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MelodyFor3 Offline OP
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Never mind. i saw another forum on this. funny, my fault for not paying attention.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MelodyFor3] #564715
11/16/09 03:20 AM
11/16/09 03:20 AM
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OMG! I'm so glad I ran across this as I was playing on the internet and yelling @ my kids at the same time. I'm so glad I am not alone in this. It's good to know there are other moms who feel the same way too. The question is what can we do about it? I can't go on feeling this way. Sometimes I just want to pack my bags and leave but I don't want them to be put in foster homes. I basically am in a similiar situation. My boyfriend works 2 jobs. He's barely here and when he is here he's asleep. He thinks his job is only to provide. I can't even get a full time job cause I have no one to watch my kids. I hate this! Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could turn back. I made a BIG, BIG, BIG mistake! I grew up in a verbally abusive family, never got along with my mother or sisters. I always use to say that when I grew up I wanted to meet a man who would love me and who I could love. I wanted a family. I wanted to be happy. But what I got is a nightmare. I want out. I feel like I've been sentenced to life in jail. I have no freedom. I have noone and nothing. I am still not loved. I hate my boyfriend. I hate him for not helping. I hate that he's free and I'm not. It takes 2 to make a baby but why am I the only one suffering? I have thrown him out hundreds of times but I keep taking him back because as you've stated some help is better than nothing. So now I'm stuck with kids I don't want and a man that I do not want. My life sucks!

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: lglpn09] #564792
11/16/09 03:15 PM
11/16/09 03:15 PM
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u said " So now I'm stuck with kids I don't want and a man that I do not want " well u can not turn back time & undo it but u can definitely get out of this prison & start over leave everything behind that hold u back be it ur boyfriend , kids , faimly etc except urself. I can see in ur situation only u are suffering . why should u you keep carrying what u dont want ? Dont keep thinking & wishing only , u have to be bold enough to act . U dont need to keep paying alone for what u & ur husband both participated in . we only get one life & so dont waste it for every body else . . there is nothing in this world u can not get again Be it boyfriend , husband , kids , house may be in much better form. There is nothing more important in this world than ur freedom & longing for freedom is not selfish .

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #564797
11/16/09 03:54 PM
11/16/09 03:54 PM
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MelodyFor3 Offline OP
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Tell you what, I am almost embarrassed when I read what I wrote. I was angry and frustrated and hurt that my feelings were being ignored. Once I got out my rant and had calmed down, I focused on all the things I should be thankful for and realized that life wasn't that bad.

Yes, I'm still jealous that he gets more time off than I do, but I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that I should be a good mother to my kids. They do not need me to be resentful and angry. They need me to be happy to be there with them, so I try harder.

I'll give you an idea on the reason I had to reflect...my son asked me one day if I loved him and then asked me if I was mad at him. He looked so sad that I felt horrible for wanting to leave him. It's not his fault. It's mine for choosing their father. One day they will see every little thing I have done for them and they will see what he hasn't done unless he changes it. I told him this and he made some improvements.

I started forcing time for myself. I called friends and family to take over for me every once in a while. I made a list for myself on how I could improve my life, without him in my list. If he was going to help me, great, but if not, then I'll do it myself.

I know it's hard, but you will get past this. I think every mother has felt this at one time or another (including my own mother who told me later), and it is important for mothers to support eachother for when this happens. Remember that you love and adore your children and they love and adore you. Look at their baby pictures, play with their hair, sing a song to yourself, or dance crazy to weird music until you find that it can be fun to be a mom. Relax, breathe, and remember that we've all felt that way at some time.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MelodyFor3] #565613
11/19/09 05:39 AM
11/19/09 05:39 AM
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Being a mother does involve a huge sacrifice and your life is never the same. I, too, made the fatal mistake of choosing the wrong man to marry. But I love being a mother. My kids smiles and the funny things they say give me so much happiness and make my life worth living.

It's not always easy to be a mom, but your kids are with you for only a short time. The first few years are the most challenging. Perhaps you need to ask for help, from a relative or neighbor if your husband or boyfriend won't do his part.

Time alone on a regular basis is vital to maintaining your sanity.

I know that this may sound harsh, but your kids didn't ask to be born. There is nothing worse than feeling like an unloved and unwanted mistake. And even if you don't say it out loud, your children will pick up on it.

Yes, your life will never be the same again. But we all have our challenges. Some people have cancer or some other dreaded disease, others have physical disabilities and so on.

Stop using your kids as an excuse for not living the life you want and not achieving your goals. Yes, things will be more difficult, but you've also incredibly blessed.

You may not look at it this way, but having 3 healthy, normal kids is a great blessing. Ask people who have kids with illnesses and disabilities...or whose kids have died.

Focus on what you have to be grateful for, get some help and start setting small, achievable goals that will lead you in the direction of your dreams.

God Bless and Good Luck!


Kelly Aveiro
Editor-Moms Site at Bella Online
For Moms Only Advice, Inspiration & Tips For Moms Who Want to Be The Best They Can Be.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Mom Site Editor] #565760
11/19/09 05:25 PM
11/19/09 05:25 PM
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MelodyFor3 Offline OP
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You may not realize it, but you sound a bit condescending, which is probably harsh to you. If you love being a mother, you have no idea what it feels like to be at the diving point and ready to give it all up. It's not easy for all of us because there is a huge amount of mothers who do hate it sometimes, some of which posted on this site and just want an ear to listen to them vent out their frustrations since noone else cares to listen. Without that venting, the battle inward rages and it hurts ourselves and those around us, which is exactly what we don't want.

If you had completed reading the thread, you would have seen that after venting it out, I was embarrassed and wanted to retract it because I felt better. I've learned to adapt now in my situation at home and because there are other mothers here to talk to, even if it is in a virtual world.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Mom Site Editor] #565882
11/20/09 08:42 AM
11/20/09 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: Mom Site Editor
Being a mother does involve a huge sacrifice and your life is never the same. I, too, made the fatal mistake of choosing the wrong man to marry. But I love being a mother. My kids smiles and the funny things they say give me so much happiness and make my life worth living.


I guess you are answering a particular post, and you make good points.

I just wanted to say that, I am married to a wonderful man, and, although I don't use the word hate anymore, let's say, I don't enjoy being a mother. My son was unwanted (by me) I considered abortion, didn't do it for the sake of my husband, who really wanted to be a father. And he is the best father in the world. I never liked children, or rather I could see the cuteness in them and all, but I never got to understand, why people have them.

When he was born I felt only sorry and for him. Some days were better than others, but I pretty much hated my life. Things have improved, my son is over 2 years old, funny, I love him. But I would never have another child. I REALLY don't like the job.

What I mean is, every case is different, maybe some people are unhappy in the marriage, and pick on their children. But it is not always like that. You say you love being a mother no matter what, and that is wonderful. But it is not like that for everybody. For sure not in the "I hate being a mom" thread.

Last edited by Solalux; 11/20/09 08:43 AM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566155
11/21/09 03:24 PM
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Melodyfor3, may I ask you why you didn't consider abortion when you found out you were pregnant the 2nd time? If you knew it was already hard enough with twins, why go ahead and have a 3rd child?

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566322
11/22/09 05:57 PM
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well if ur son was unwanted u should have never brought him in to this world , as u said " u never see any cuteness in them " pretty much says it all how difficult it is for you to love ur unwanted son . see there is nothing wrong in not liking kids but its unfair to have kids only to please ur husband while deep down u urself consider ur son as something imposed upon u . sorry if I sound harsh but its difficult to understand how can u love ur son when u dont want him at all ? as u said in ur post. lol

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #566336
11/22/09 07:19 PM
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Cool friend, you even misquote my post, so i don't really think you read it right.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566349
11/22/09 08:47 PM
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[quote=Solalux]Cool friend, you even misquote my post, so i don't really think you read it right. [/quote] well not really this what u wrote "......My son was unwanted (by me) I considered abortion, didn't do it for the sake of my husband, who really wanted to be a father............" but if u wanna say u wrote that by mistake its ok . lol

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #566514
11/23/09 02:52 PM
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MelodyFor3 Offline OP
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I hate judgmental people. Can't you just let people vent without hating them for it? Seriously? Are you so much of a control freak that you must impose your thinking on everyone, even if it was out of an emotional rant?

As for not getting an abortion... What a sick thing to ask me now that I have her. You want me to look at my daughter and question why she exists? Are you stupid or really that insensitive? Have I not already explained that it was an emotional rant that I wish I could take back?

I love my kids. I don't always love being a mother, but that's not the same thing as not loving my kids. It is just really hard some days and extremely overwhelming when you lose your sense of self. But thanks so much for being such great listeners you judgmental a--holes.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MelodyFor3] #566583
11/23/09 05:59 PM
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[quote=MelodyFor3]I hate judgmental people. Can't you just let people vent without hating them for it? Seriously? Are you so much of a control freak that you must impose your thinking on everyone, even if it was out of an emotional rant? As for not getting an abortion... What a sick thing to ask me now that I have her. You want me to look at my daughter and question why she exists? Are you stupid or really that insensitive? Have I not already explained that it was an emotional rant that I wish I could take back? I love my kids. I don't always love being a mother, but that's not the same thing as not loving my kids. It is just really hard some days and extremely overwhelming when you lose your sense of self. But thanks so much for being such great listeners you judgmental a--holes. [/quote] melodyfor3 my above post was not directed at u it was in respponse to solalux . u better raed her post to see what i was refrring u . there is no point in asking u that very question when u have already said u do love ur kid . but anyway i am sorry . lol

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #566612
11/23/09 07:09 PM
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What you said was judgmental and very sick, no matter who you were answering to. This is a support forum and what you do is trolling.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566623
11/23/09 08:56 PM
11/23/09 08:56 PM
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Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
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Sometimes these forums are the only safe places women have to say how they feel deep down inside. It is a way to let out the frustration so that it doesn't get taken out on their children.

I would venture to say that even the most perfect Mom has her moments of wishing "I weren't a Mom right now". Like when she has the flu, and so does the rest of the family, the baby is throwing up everywhere (and so is Mom), the 3 year old is taking advantage of that fact by climbing up on the kitchen counter to get the cookie jar - and it falls and breaks into a bazillion glass shards, so he starts screaming, and Mom has to clean it up. Dad is knocked out on codeine cough medicine (or at work blissfully away from it all)...you get the drift.

Everyone needs someone to vent that deep, dark secret to. Doing so online to faceless strangers is easy - because ususally there is no jufgeemnt and sometimes there is someone else who has been there.

I know that with my oldest who has Asperger's I find myself (very guiltilily) wishing that he had not been born, or had been born "normal", because it is so exhasintg at times. I have to MAke myself count the good things that go along with his differences. And there are good things, it just takes looking with a different eye sometimes.

For you ladies that are suffereing - just remember this baby/toddler phase doe not last forever. One day they will be able to take care of themselves more and be able to interract with you. You might be able to enjoy them more then. Some parents just do better with one age group than another.


Michelle Taylor
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Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #566703
11/24/09 08:52 AM
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Thanks Michelle for your kind post.
But for the first time in almost two years I have felt terrible in this forum. People should take others people's problems and sensibilities seriously or get lost. I think I am taking a break. At least from this thread.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566705
11/24/09 09:42 AM
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You can always PM me Solalux.


Michelle Taylor
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Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #566796
11/24/09 05:40 PM
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Okay, I'm sorry, too. I get so defensive and a monster comes out. I'm a bit of a hot head and yesterday I was feeling quite hateful. Cool Friend, I was responding to gullivera who asked me about aborting my child. That really ticked me off and a whole barrage of horrible, mean replies jump into my hot head. I bit my tongue for the most part. But be easy on Solalux. You may not understand the full story and it is unfair to judge her feelings. Feelings are separate from actions; feelings should never be judged, only actions.

Solalux...you are among friends who understand your feelings. I read a lot of your posts and you are a very well-rounded person according to me (probably more than me, too).

Michelle, are you peeking into my windows or something? Holy moly, you picked a day right out of my life with the sick kids, flu, and cookie jar! You are very right and very understanding, thank you. Everything you said was truth.

I want to share this with all of you, too. This morning was a rough morning with about 10 meltdowns in a half hour with me asking God "why? why me?". After I finally accomplished getting them all in the car to go to the WIC office for the 2 hour recertification process, they behaved like perfect angels. We talked about our shortcomings and why they were cranky and fighting eachother, how to make it better, and what they would do today while I'm at work. When I left them with their new sitter (which is a whole other story of the nightmare nanny getting fired) they gave me the biggest kisses. My little Kayla gave me three big kisses and said "bye bye mama" with a big smile. It was a nice calm after the storm. And that was a moment where I loved being their mom because they love me so much.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MelodyFor3] #566898
11/25/09 01:09 AM
11/25/09 01:09 AM
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Melody3, I didn't ask you to "abort your child". It was a question given your circumstance, and it came up b/c you said it yourself that you couldn't consider abortion the first time around b/c your twins were already 4 months along....so, that's why I asked my question. But you got all defensive and took it out of context. Anyway, no hard feelings here and hope it gets better for you.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Solalux] #566935
11/25/09 09:40 AM
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Solalux my question was as sensible as ur post #565882 is. I dont know why u think i am judginag u when all i asked was a question rephrasing ur post ? u can either answer it or say u did not mean it. of course it is a support forum but it does not mean u can not question any body. by the way do u call any post that u dont like as troll ? lol

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #566940
11/25/09 10:52 AM
11/25/09 10:52 AM
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This is a very emotional thread and one that is hard for people to admit to.

Women are saying things "out loud" that we are not even supposed to think, much less speak or write.

Although the questions that you asked, gullivera & cool_friend, might seem innocent and non-threatening to you (and they did to me also) - to someone who is already feeling guilty about writing these words it comes off as an accusation. Remember, we can't hear voice inflection or tone on the internet - so we make it up in our heads as we read a post.

I am sure what Melody3 heard was "well, why didn't you just get an abortion then?1?1"

And Cool_Friend, tacking "lol", "laugh out loud" onto the end of every post is hardly the way to make people feel like you are trying to be understanding and supportive on this thread. It feels more like you are making fun of situations. I imagine you are doing it thinking it takes the sting out of some of your comments, but unfortunately that is not the way it comes across.

If everyone would remember to just be compassionate on this thread it would help a lot. These women are not saying they hate their children. If they did they would have done something drastic long ago. They hate the job of being a mother. here really is a huge difference between the two.


Michelle Taylor
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Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #566942
11/25/09 01:05 PM
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Thank you Spirituality for explaining the situation, and the way Melody3 took my question was certainly not my intention. However, I still think there is a "decent and respectful" way of communicating with each other, and her accusing me and just her overall harsh post based on my question is not, especially when all I did was ask a question, not even adding a comment. BUT, she already apologised and explained, so like I said, no hard feelings. We are all humans.

Last edited by gullivera; 11/25/09 01:07 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: gullivera] #567100
11/25/09 03:58 PM
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Despite your explanation, your question deeply offended me and still does, as it would any mother. The question itself, innocent or not, is inappropriate.

Allow me to explain why it makes me so angry...I'm tired of defending myself. I don't think I should have to because it doesn't matter why I'm in my situation, how I got there, just that it is as it is. It irks me when someone tells me that it's my fault for being in this situation, they were my choices, I didn't have to have children, I chose their father, etc. (I'm not saying that you're saying that, just what has happened to me in other conversations.) I'm not stupid and I know that they were my choices, but it shouldn't matter. If someone is asking for help and is genuinely overwhelmed, exhausted, etc., why deny them the comfort they seek? Is it really okay to leave someone to suffer because you think they earned it? People should have mercy on those who are suffering, whether it is internal or external, because that altruistic action may reciprocate when you make your own bed and have to lie in it.

People have asked me that question before, gullivera, and they're lucky they walked away unharmed, but it wasn't an innocent question from them, but rather like the way Michelle explained it, which is exactly the way I took it. "You shouldn't have had a baby if you couldn't take care of it" is what I've heard before. Which to me, is a completely disrespectful, indecent, horrible thing to say to a mother holding a child that is overwhelming her and I reciprocate that disrespect whether it's right or not.

Noone in my family really helped me because that is what they believed and because they all thought I should have had an abortion. My husband didn't want me to, though, citing religious reasons at me that would condemn me. I sided with him because it was another chance to have a normal pregnancy and a second chance for him to treat me right, but he was kicked out for a drunken rage that endangered my life when I was five months pregnant, two weeks before Christmas. During his rehab, he sent no money. I did everything alone after that with absolutely no support system and during the second and third trimester, I felt more connected to her than anyone else and wanted her because noone else did. I spent the first year of her life defending her existence vehemently, but questioning it myself because of all the negativity. She won everyone over, of course, but I am still judged for my situation, for being an "idiot" for having too many kids. It infuriates me and makes me crazy that so many people out there view me and my children like that because they only care enough to poke fun, but not enough to lend a hand or a small comfort or maybe it's to excuse themselves from feeling any responsibility towards a fellow human being. But when I am overwhelmed, who can I turn to? When I hate that I am alone with so much work to do, who will listen without judging?

Not that things are that way all the time now. I proved everyone in my family to be sorry for what they said or did and they have learned their lesson because things happened to them, too, for which I did not treat them the way they treated me. Things are also much better and more supportive since the time when I first posted this thread, so it is irrelevant to my situation now.

Anyway, I'm done with this. This is the last time I will even read this thread because it's gotten out of control and I don't feel comfortable here anymore.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #567472
11/26/09 09:59 PM
11/26/09 09:59 PM
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Michelle thanks , ur post did explain me some very important points i might have overlooked. btw does not " lol " mean lots of love ? or is it laugh out loud ? i m really not sure. take care

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #567528
11/27/09 01:28 PM
11/27/09 01:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
Lake Lanier, Georgia
Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
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Chelle - Marriage Editor  Offline
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Chimpanzee

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
Lake Lanier, Georgia
No wonder you were using it all the time!

No - LOL means "Laughing Out Loud"
ROTFL - "Rolling on The Floor Laughing"
LMBO - "Laughing my Butt Off"

and they go on from there

Here's a site that tells you what most text acronyms means:
Texting Acronyms



Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #567715
11/29/09 04:14 AM
11/29/09 04:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 14
East Coast, USA
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sann Offline
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Cool person- That is what you are cool; no cold hearted. You may have your opinions, however if you are on this thread keep you judgments to yourself!! Solalux has helped numerous people on this site and I for one appreciate her honesty. Now as far as you are concerned I DO NOT appreciate your judgments. Go elsewhere.

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: sann] #652531
12/30/10 03:32 PM
12/30/10 03:32 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
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nubeginning Offline
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Well this is the new year, and I read all ur comments, I must say by the end of it all I felt better and relieved. Thank God Im not the only one. And motherhood really does have its ups and downs. this posting has def helped me, Im pretty sure I'll have my moment again. But no Im curious...whats up with you ladies? How's everything now? How old are children now, whats new? whats exciting, whats the new spiritual and mental discovering. Please do share the new experiences!!!

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: nubeginning] #652533
12/30/10 03:44 PM
12/30/10 03:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,296
England
Linda19 Offline
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Hi NU, I haven't read all of the posts but the title, 'I hate being a mother' has applied to me for the past 30 years lol. I really have not enjoyed being a mother for most of it. Lots of reason but mainly I guess I am selfish and I like my alone time and I think kids are a pain in the head.

I have two sons who are now 29 years and 23 years old and I cannot remember a day when the two of them could be in the same room and getting on.

We spent Christmas day together this year but by the end of it I was so happy to drop my youngest son home and sneak off to my room for alone time. I live with my eldest son.

I usually say 'I hate my kids equally' but my sisters tells me that's a bad thing to say!!

Peace

Last edited by Linda - Islam; 12/30/10 03:50 PM.

Linda Heywood

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Linda19] #652631
12/30/10 07:34 PM
12/30/10 07:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 184
NC, USA
MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed Offline
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Posts: 184
NC, USA
Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to add some words of encouragement from an "older" mom.

I also had twins, and when they were very young, I felt exactly as you did—I adored my children, but I hated my day-to-day life. It was all about work, work, work, and mom, mom, mom. There was no more Maria. Occasionally, my husband would say, "You're no fun anymore." And I would think, "D*mn straight!" I wasn't any fun, because my life was 100% about caring for other people—people that I loved, mind you, but still other people, never about me. We all need time to ourselves, and our modern society, with two working parents (or in some of y'all's cases, one working parent, which is you), doesn't allow for this.

Unfortunately, most of us can't change our current situations, regardless of how we came to be in that situation, so all we can do is grin and bear it. Now here's the encouraging part: when my kids were young, even when I felt like crying or screaming, I just kept on smiling. I pretended to be happy and showed those little girls constant love and attention, even when I was so-o-o not feeling it, because, as someone else mentioned, they didn't ask to be born, and they deserved my best.

After 7 or 8 years of giving til it hurt, something wonderful happened—my babies turned into confident, secure, independent little ladies. And I think it's because they never doubted their own worth and lovability due to the way I treated them. Now they are 13 years old, and they are my favorite people in the whole world. Yeah, I'm still their mom, and they still need a lot from me, but we're also friends, and there is give and take. We shop together and watch movies together and bake cookies together, and sometimes, they take care of me.

It still isn't easy; there's never enough time or money, but my kids are old enough and sensitive enough to understand, and try to help out where they can. Honestly, my children bring me only joy now. So to all of you struggling mom's of young children, I say, yes, it's a thankless, slave-like job, especially if you have little or no help, but if you can just hang in there, it does pay off in the end.

--Maria

Last edited by MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed; 12/30/10 07:38 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed] #663638
02/17/11 06:20 AM
02/17/11 06:20 AM
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isiseyes Offline
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I started crying when I read the first message on this thread because I completely understood. My husband and I tried for our child, but I never wanted a girl. When we found out it was a girl my husband knew I wanted to abort "it" but I knew he'd be devestated. I hated being pregnant every day after finding out I was carrying a girl. The day my daughter was born was the worst day of my life. 10 months later I'm tired of close friends saying "it'll get better" and "you'll bond with her soon, be patient". I DON'T LIKE HER, I DON'T WANT TO BE HER MOTHER. She cries constantly when I'm around, though never with a sitter or friends, just me. Cries when I leave a room as if she wants to be close to me but she doesn't, cries when I tell her to stop doing things, cries when I change her diaper, when I put her clothes on. CRIES!!! I feel like I've been tricked by my own hormones, and emotions but I can't go back. I have been trying to distance myself from her because I get annoyed just looking at her. My freedom is gone, there's NEVER ENOUGH TIME, & it's taken me 10 months to loose the 40+ lbs which made me cry every day since I was already overweight. I never wanted "Her", and "just hold her in your arms for the first time" didn't change my mind. I don't know what to do.

~ [Re: isiseyes] #663691
02/17/11 08:30 AM
02/17/11 08:30 AM
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Posts: 26
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CactusHeart Offline
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[quote=isiseyes]I started crying when I read the first message on this thread because I completely understood. My husband and I tried for our child, but I never wanted a girl. When we found out it was a girl my husband knew I wanted to abort "it" [/quote] Then you clearly had kids for entirely the wrong reasons. Real parental love is unconditional, NOT "I love you IF..." as in your case "I love you IF...you are born a male." Are you kidding me??? What's with parents placing conditions on WHAT they want their kids to be like, and withholding love (or in some cases even TOLERANCE) if the child falls short of their conditions and expectations. Hey! The kid didn't ASK to be born! They were brought into this world because YOU decided to bring them here...so stop copping out of YOUR JOB and giving them anything less than they deserve. Are you feeling bad because maybe it's HARD and because you didn't feel that magical "love at 1st sight" moment? That's movie propaganda! I don't see this as a poor mommy who's stuck coping with breeder's remorse, I see it as a POOR KID who is stuck coping with a mother who can muster a half-@*s love at best and has to spend the rest of her life making the best of it. All I hear in your message is what YOU'RE not getting out of the deal...GOD you parents can be SO selfish!

Re: ~ [Re: CactusHeart] #663721
02/17/11 11:32 AM
02/17/11 11:32 AM

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SKYELAW
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SKYELAW
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i think you need psychiatric help as you are not thinking straight, this is a very serious issue, no woman should push away her new baby like you are doing, you cant use weight excuses for her. i just cant believe the things you have said, it sounds like post natal depression mixed with stress disorder, dont do anthing stupid and talk to a councillor, ask a member of your family to help you.

Re: ~ [Re: ] #663728
02/17/11 01:41 PM
02/17/11 01:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,718
UK
Gillian ClassicalMusic Offline
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Zebra

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UK
Babies crying when they have their nappies changed and clothes changed is quite normal, both my nephews do that - one is three months and one is two and three quarters. All right 2 3/4 is not a baby but he's still quite young and late with his potty training and the older one no longer cries when he has his clothes changed lol. I'm sorry though that you're feeling so miserable.

I think you maybe need to see your family doctor and talk things over as well, tell him how angry you're feeling. You need some extra support I think and your doctor should be able to help you.

Last edited by Gillian - Classical Music; 02/17/11 01:42 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed] #664223
02/18/11 09:51 PM
02/18/11 09:51 PM
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This is a really sad situation... Yes, I acknowledge that it took a lot of bravery (or nerve? *lol*) to even ADMIT these feelings, but at the same time, it has to be made clear that these women f*(%ed up BIG time... It's all too easy to judge, but we have to keep in mind, it's likely they already know the degree of their mistake. Yet on the other hand, "venting" about a life decision as epically bad as THIS is going to invite as much disapproval as it will empathy (if not more). Perhaps there is a forum out there for PPD-affected women where one can speak more freely about problems like this. It wouldn't be so bad if it were a bad life decision affecting them personally, that could be dealt with...the problem is, an innocent life is brought into the equation and will likely suffer from the parent's mistakes and feelings of being unwanted. When a woman feels even a tinge of regret, it won't matter how much they SAY they love their children, the fact remains: The parent WILL project their feelings of regret onto their children, whether consciously or unconsciously. The child will intuit this whether they themselves are aware of this or not. IOW, they're paying the consequence for their parent's mistake. Not calling the child THEMSELF a mistake, per se...but then again what would YOU call the result of having a child for the wrong reasons? What I don't understand are the feelings of loss of your own life, habits and identity after having kids... (now I can't sleep, eat, go out like I used to) 1) you're making it sound like you just got intruded upon by an unwanted houseguest *lol*. Hello??? YOU SIGNED UP for this!!! What were you expecting? A never-ending Gerber commercial? What were you expecting? 2)WHY did you even have kids??? It amazes me to no end the SHEER NUMBER of parents who don't really know themselves (or have a seriously weak reason)!! "Because" is the top answer...followed by "it's just something you do when you become an adult (then explain MTV's "teen mom" *lol*)"...then the old classic "I want someone to take care of me when I grow old". Most all of the reasons for having kids are really selfish when you think about it... Try finding a reason that EXCLUDES "I want", "I" or "me"... So, on top of the selfishness is the THOUGHTLESSNESS of it (not knowing why, just "because", failing to properly protect yourself from fertilization)...Or equally bad: doing it simply to please someone else (parent or spouse). My husband wanted kids and I didn't...I COULD have caved in, but I thought it was unfair to do so...not to mention my mountain of reasons for NOT wanting to bring kids into this world, including financial reasons. Caving in COULD have saved my marriage, but I doubt it very much, especially in light of so many families splitting up ALL AROUND US. And I knew in my gut that I WOULD NOT experience that magical fairy-tale "love at 1st sight moment" like so many fictional characters do when they feel unsure or unready about having a baby. There are no shortage of REAL-LIFE examples all around you that this just isn't true! Babies are NOT "marriage glue", they should never be "assigned" (serving as a tool in a woman's search for meaning an identity to her life, parents' selfish expectations, playing a role in keeping a marriage together, appeasing a spouse or parent)ANYTHING other than a name. It really sux that having babies are NO LONGER seen as a life-altering decision that must be weighed, contemplated and given the right reasons , but is instead merely a SIDE-EFFECT from having unprotected sex. Society will suffer (and already is in case you don't read the newspaper)...

Last edited by CactusHeart; 02/18/11 09:56 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: isiseyes] #669455
03/12/11 04:15 AM
03/12/11 04:15 AM
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I know this post is old, and I don't care. People are judging you for being a mom or rather not wanting a girl, I've had friends who cried for months when they found out a) they were pregnant, because they were done b) because they weren't having the sex of child they wanted. Yes there are those who say it doesn't matter what sex the child is etc, but you were simply asking for help and what your received was not help from the judgemental people. I hope things have gotten better for you with time. I know for my friends it did. Sending Love and Hugs your way!

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #693366
06/07/11 06:50 AM
06/07/11 06:50 AM
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i understand how you feel. Im 25 and a mother of three kids and unfortunatly i have to put up with being treated like [censored] and constant threats from their father because of these little brats. He keeps using the kids and gets other people like his family and my family to use kids as blackmail against me and unfortunatly i do not have the money to get out of this situation and womens shelters are fully booked. I feel i can barely wake up the next morning without slicing my wrists yet alone being a mother :(

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: mellymoo] #693717
06/08/11 02:20 PM
06/08/11 02:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,556
Arizona
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Lisa - Moms Offline
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Many of these posts are old, and I have not been able to read through all of them.

I first want to say thank you to those of you who were willing to express such raw and vulnerable emotions. That takes a lot of courage - especially when you know that there will be people who will judge those feelings. So, thank you.

I did read someone who stated that - after writing down those feelings - there was an element of relief. That doesn't meant the feelings went away necessarily, but I believe that when we can give voice to our fears/anger/resentment, we can alleviate some of the pressure those feelings put upon us. I would encourage you to write (and rip if you have to) your feelings down on a frequent basis. Start a journal or if you don't want to keep those words around, write them and rip them up. The writing, itself, can be very healing.

Mellymoo - I'm sorry to hear that the women's shelters are all filled. Are they wiling to help you with other resources in your area? It is disappointing to me that they have not offered you other support or resources.

Having a support system is essential! If you can find friends to talk to, if you can connect with a GOOD therapist, if you can find a resource online - whatever it takes. Build a support system. I realize that takes energy which may be difficult to muster up but if you take the first steps, the next steps will be "easier". Look for support groups through the hospital or county mental health centers, get books from the library - you'll see you're not the only one and that is empowering, speak to your internist - post partum depression is all too common and it's essential to get help.

Repeated over and over is the lack of time for mom. Having children changes your entire being. Parts of you may be left behind and forgotten; other parts may be placed on the back burner for "when the children are older"; you may be too tired, worn out and exhausted to focus on your SELF. But, that is another IMPORTANT element of motherhood. Think out of the box to find time for your SELF so that you can feel passionate about something, so that you can feel worthwhile, so that you don't feel chained down. I know it's easier said than done - but get creative! Make friends who are willing to swap childcare so each of you can have 'alone' time. Save up to join a gym and let your children stay in the "kids club" while you workout. Hire a pre-teen in your neighborhood to come by and be a mother's helper, relieving some of the pressure off of you. Find something that will feed your soul.

There are good therapists out there and there are 'not so good' therapists out there. Sometimes we are limited by our insurance or inability to pay.... but you still have to 'search' for a therapist you can connect with and whom you believe can help you move forward. Think about what you want/need from that professional and make your first meeting about asking questions to help you decide if this is the right person. There are many options for sliding scale therapy, and - these days - there are therapists online as well. Make sure you are working with someone who is skilled and trained!

There are also hotlines you can call to get anonymous "help". These hotlines are not for long term support but can provide you with support in the immediate moment or in the short term. Parents Anonymous is one that pops into my head.
1-855-427-2736 They are M-F from 10-7 EST
Childhelp USA also has a 7day/24 hour hotline 1-800-422-4453. This is the National Child Abuse Hotline but they offer support and referrals to parents who are stressed to the max, overwhelmed, etc. It could be a good resource in the middle of the night and/or could be a good resource for referrals of support in your area.

Having extreme feelings of hating being a parent does not mean you are a bad parent. I am especially touched by those of you who state you are loving, provide good care for your children and then "close the door and hate your life". Someone else said they know they have to find a way to change their life. I hope some of these suggestions can help some of you find a different path and find joy for your SELF in your life.


Lisa Pinkus

Moms Site
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Lisa - Moms] #693746
06/08/11 03:20 PM
06/08/11 03:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,906
ExerciseEditor Offline
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You're awesome Lisa. That is all just great advice and what you said about "Having extreme feelings of hating being a parent does not mean you are a bad parent." is true!

I don't know how many times I wished I was not a mother but that never meant I did not love my son or wished I didn't have him. I do everything for him but I have days when I can't stand parenting (the job).

Case in point: We have a chore list that is worth $5 a week. Any of the kids are free to do the chores but the only time they do them is when they want something i.e. a $250 3DS.

son says "man, it's gonna take me forever to save up at this weekly rate."

mom says "if you had been doing your chores since this list got started consistently you would already be half way there.

son say "grumble grumble, can't you just buy it for me in advance and I'll pay you back"

mom says "sorry I'm not a bank. I don't lend money, you need to earn your money and if you don't like my system then come up with your own and we'll talk about how to make that work."

This goes on and on and on for days every single week and it makes me want to rip my hair out and cry and yell and HATE the whole mother job but I presist with this lesson because I know I chose this job and it's my responsibility to raise a responsible kid who knows that when you want something (toys, respect, etc.) you have to earn it.

It's o.k. to hate being a mother but you NEVER take it out on your kids ever! You do your best, love them, and if you need help with your negative emotions you get help as Lisa said.

Again great reply Lisa!


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