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Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed] #663638
02/17/11 06:20 AM
02/17/11 06:20 AM
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isiseyes Offline
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I started crying when I read the first message on this thread because I completely understood. My husband and I tried for our child, but I never wanted a girl. When we found out it was a girl my husband knew I wanted to abort "it" but I knew he'd be devestated. I hated being pregnant every day after finding out I was carrying a girl. The day my daughter was born was the worst day of my life. 10 months later I'm tired of close friends saying "it'll get better" and "you'll bond with her soon, be patient". I DON'T LIKE HER, I DON'T WANT TO BE HER MOTHER. She cries constantly when I'm around, though never with a sitter or friends, just me. Cries when I leave a room as if she wants to be close to me but she doesn't, cries when I tell her to stop doing things, cries when I change her diaper, when I put her clothes on. CRIES!!! I feel like I've been tricked by my own hormones, and emotions but I can't go back. I have been trying to distance myself from her because I get annoyed just looking at her. My freedom is gone, there's NEVER ENOUGH TIME, & it's taken me 10 months to loose the 40+ lbs which made me cry every day since I was already overweight. I never wanted "Her", and "just hold her in your arms for the first time" didn't change my mind. I don't know what to do.

~ [Re: isiseyes] #663691
02/17/11 08:30 AM
02/17/11 08:30 AM
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CactusHeart Offline
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[quote=isiseyes]I started crying when I read the first message on this thread because I completely understood. My husband and I tried for our child, but I never wanted a girl. When we found out it was a girl my husband knew I wanted to abort "it" [/quote] Then you clearly had kids for entirely the wrong reasons. Real parental love is unconditional, NOT "I love you IF..." as in your case "I love you IF...you are born a male." Are you kidding me??? What's with parents placing conditions on WHAT they want their kids to be like, and withholding love (or in some cases even TOLERANCE) if the child falls short of their conditions and expectations. Hey! The kid didn't ASK to be born! They were brought into this world because YOU decided to bring them here...so stop copping out of YOUR JOB and giving them anything less than they deserve. Are you feeling bad because maybe it's HARD and because you didn't feel that magical "love at 1st sight" moment? That's movie propaganda! I don't see this as a poor mommy who's stuck coping with breeder's remorse, I see it as a POOR KID who is stuck coping with a mother who can muster a half-@*s love at best and has to spend the rest of her life making the best of it. All I hear in your message is what YOU'RE not getting out of the deal...GOD you parents can be SO selfish!

Re: ~ [Re: CactusHeart] #663721
02/17/11 11:32 AM
02/17/11 11:32 AM

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SKYELAW
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i think you need psychiatric help as you are not thinking straight, this is a very serious issue, no woman should push away her new baby like you are doing, you cant use weight excuses for her. i just cant believe the things you have said, it sounds like post natal depression mixed with stress disorder, dont do anthing stupid and talk to a councillor, ask a member of your family to help you.

Re: ~ [Re: ] #663728
02/17/11 01:41 PM
02/17/11 01:41 PM
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Gillian ClassicalMusic Offline
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Babies crying when they have their nappies changed and clothes changed is quite normal, both my nephews do that - one is three months and one is two and three quarters. All right 2 3/4 is not a baby but he's still quite young and late with his potty training and the older one no longer cries when he has his clothes changed lol. I'm sorry though that you're feeling so miserable.

I think you maybe need to see your family doctor and talk things over as well, tell him how angry you're feeling. You need some extra support I think and your doctor should be able to help you.

Last edited by Gillian - Classical Music; 02/17/11 01:42 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: MariaRomana-DTP/eBooks Ed] #664223
02/18/11 09:51 PM
02/18/11 09:51 PM
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CactusHeart Offline
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This is a really sad situation... Yes, I acknowledge that it took a lot of bravery (or nerve? *lol*) to even ADMIT these feelings, but at the same time, it has to be made clear that these women f*(%ed up BIG time... It's all too easy to judge, but we have to keep in mind, it's likely they already know the degree of their mistake. Yet on the other hand, "venting" about a life decision as epically bad as THIS is going to invite as much disapproval as it will empathy (if not more). Perhaps there is a forum out there for PPD-affected women where one can speak more freely about problems like this. It wouldn't be so bad if it were a bad life decision affecting them personally, that could be dealt with...the problem is, an innocent life is brought into the equation and will likely suffer from the parent's mistakes and feelings of being unwanted. When a woman feels even a tinge of regret, it won't matter how much they SAY they love their children, the fact remains: The parent WILL project their feelings of regret onto their children, whether consciously or unconsciously. The child will intuit this whether they themselves are aware of this or not. IOW, they're paying the consequence for their parent's mistake. Not calling the child THEMSELF a mistake, per se...but then again what would YOU call the result of having a child for the wrong reasons? What I don't understand are the feelings of loss of your own life, habits and identity after having kids... (now I can't sleep, eat, go out like I used to) 1) you're making it sound like you just got intruded upon by an unwanted houseguest *lol*. Hello??? YOU SIGNED UP for this!!! What were you expecting? A never-ending Gerber commercial? What were you expecting? 2)WHY did you even have kids??? It amazes me to no end the SHEER NUMBER of parents who don't really know themselves (or have a seriously weak reason)!! "Because" is the top answer...followed by "it's just something you do when you become an adult (then explain MTV's "teen mom" *lol*)"...then the old classic "I want someone to take care of me when I grow old". Most all of the reasons for having kids are really selfish when you think about it... Try finding a reason that EXCLUDES "I want", "I" or "me"... So, on top of the selfishness is the THOUGHTLESSNESS of it (not knowing why, just "because", failing to properly protect yourself from fertilization)...Or equally bad: doing it simply to please someone else (parent or spouse). My husband wanted kids and I didn't...I COULD have caved in, but I thought it was unfair to do so...not to mention my mountain of reasons for NOT wanting to bring kids into this world, including financial reasons. Caving in COULD have saved my marriage, but I doubt it very much, especially in light of so many families splitting up ALL AROUND US. And I knew in my gut that I WOULD NOT experience that magical fairy-tale "love at 1st sight moment" like so many fictional characters do when they feel unsure or unready about having a baby. There are no shortage of REAL-LIFE examples all around you that this just isn't true! Babies are NOT "marriage glue", they should never be "assigned" (serving as a tool in a woman's search for meaning an identity to her life, parents' selfish expectations, playing a role in keeping a marriage together, appeasing a spouse or parent)ANYTHING other than a name. It really sux that having babies are NO LONGER seen as a life-altering decision that must be weighed, contemplated and given the right reasons , but is instead merely a SIDE-EFFECT from having unprotected sex. Society will suffer (and already is in case you don't read the newspaper)...

Last edited by CactusHeart; 02/18/11 09:56 PM.
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: isiseyes] #669455
03/12/11 04:15 AM
03/12/11 04:15 AM
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I know this post is old, and I don't care. People are judging you for being a mom or rather not wanting a girl, I've had friends who cried for months when they found out a) they were pregnant, because they were done b) because they weren't having the sex of child they wanted. Yes there are those who say it doesn't matter what sex the child is etc, but you were simply asking for help and what your received was not help from the judgemental people. I hope things have gotten better for you with time. I know for my friends it did. Sending Love and Hugs your way!

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Cool_Friend] #693366
06/07/11 06:50 AM
06/07/11 06:50 AM
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mellymoo Offline
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i understand how you feel. Im 25 and a mother of three kids and unfortunatly i have to put up with being treated like [censored] and constant threats from their father because of these little brats. He keeps using the kids and gets other people like his family and my family to use kids as blackmail against me and unfortunatly i do not have the money to get out of this situation and womens shelters are fully booked. I feel i can barely wake up the next morning without slicing my wrists yet alone being a mother :(

Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: mellymoo] #693717
06/08/11 02:20 PM
06/08/11 02:20 PM
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Lisa - Moms Offline
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Many of these posts are old, and I have not been able to read through all of them.

I first want to say thank you to those of you who were willing to express such raw and vulnerable emotions. That takes a lot of courage - especially when you know that there will be people who will judge those feelings. So, thank you.

I did read someone who stated that - after writing down those feelings - there was an element of relief. That doesn't meant the feelings went away necessarily, but I believe that when we can give voice to our fears/anger/resentment, we can alleviate some of the pressure those feelings put upon us. I would encourage you to write (and rip if you have to) your feelings down on a frequent basis. Start a journal or if you don't want to keep those words around, write them and rip them up. The writing, itself, can be very healing.

Mellymoo - I'm sorry to hear that the women's shelters are all filled. Are they wiling to help you with other resources in your area? It is disappointing to me that they have not offered you other support or resources.

Having a support system is essential! If you can find friends to talk to, if you can connect with a GOOD therapist, if you can find a resource online - whatever it takes. Build a support system. I realize that takes energy which may be difficult to muster up but if you take the first steps, the next steps will be "easier". Look for support groups through the hospital or county mental health centers, get books from the library - you'll see you're not the only one and that is empowering, speak to your internist - post partum depression is all too common and it's essential to get help.

Repeated over and over is the lack of time for mom. Having children changes your entire being. Parts of you may be left behind and forgotten; other parts may be placed on the back burner for "when the children are older"; you may be too tired, worn out and exhausted to focus on your SELF. But, that is another IMPORTANT element of motherhood. Think out of the box to find time for your SELF so that you can feel passionate about something, so that you can feel worthwhile, so that you don't feel chained down. I know it's easier said than done - but get creative! Make friends who are willing to swap childcare so each of you can have 'alone' time. Save up to join a gym and let your children stay in the "kids club" while you workout. Hire a pre-teen in your neighborhood to come by and be a mother's helper, relieving some of the pressure off of you. Find something that will feed your soul.

There are good therapists out there and there are 'not so good' therapists out there. Sometimes we are limited by our insurance or inability to pay.... but you still have to 'search' for a therapist you can connect with and whom you believe can help you move forward. Think about what you want/need from that professional and make your first meeting about asking questions to help you decide if this is the right person. There are many options for sliding scale therapy, and - these days - there are therapists online as well. Make sure you are working with someone who is skilled and trained!

There are also hotlines you can call to get anonymous "help". These hotlines are not for long term support but can provide you with support in the immediate moment or in the short term. Parents Anonymous is one that pops into my head.
1-855-427-2736 They are M-F from 10-7 EST
Childhelp USA also has a 7day/24 hour hotline 1-800-422-4453. This is the National Child Abuse Hotline but they offer support and referrals to parents who are stressed to the max, overwhelmed, etc. It could be a good resource in the middle of the night and/or could be a good resource for referrals of support in your area.

Having extreme feelings of hating being a parent does not mean you are a bad parent. I am especially touched by those of you who state you are loving, provide good care for your children and then "close the door and hate your life". Someone else said they know they have to find a way to change their life. I hope some of these suggestions can help some of you find a different path and find joy for your SELF in your life.


Lisa Pinkus

Moms Site
Re: I hate being a mother. Anyone else? [Re: Lisa - Moms] #693746
06/08/11 03:20 PM
06/08/11 03:20 PM
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You're awesome Lisa. That is all just great advice and what you said about "Having extreme feelings of hating being a parent does not mean you are a bad parent." is true!

I don't know how many times I wished I was not a mother but that never meant I did not love my son or wished I didn't have him. I do everything for him but I have days when I can't stand parenting (the job).

Case in point: We have a chore list that is worth $5 a week. Any of the kids are free to do the chores but the only time they do them is when they want something i.e. a $250 3DS.

son says "man, it's gonna take me forever to save up at this weekly rate."

mom says "if you had been doing your chores since this list got started consistently you would already be half way there.

son say "grumble grumble, can't you just buy it for me in advance and I'll pay you back"

mom says "sorry I'm not a bank. I don't lend money, you need to earn your money and if you don't like my system then come up with your own and we'll talk about how to make that work."

This goes on and on and on for days every single week and it makes me want to rip my hair out and cry and yell and HATE the whole mother job but I presist with this lesson because I know I chose this job and it's my responsibility to raise a responsible kid who knows that when you want something (toys, respect, etc.) you have to earn it.

It's o.k. to hate being a mother but you NEVER take it out on your kids ever! You do your best, love them, and if you need help with your negative emotions you get help as Lisa said.

Again great reply Lisa!


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