logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
#546158 09/03/09 02:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Hi everyone,
I wanted to take a moment to check in with you all and see how you are doing. I hope that you are all doing great and progressing in your journey towards healing. If you can, would you please let me know how you are doing?

Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5
Hi kellie, I had my first counselling session. I hated it, I really hope it doesn't feel like that every time. They were really nice but it was my first time talking about it and I felt so sick. I cried all night and most of today, is that normal? Part of me wishes I could just forget about it and block it out again but I know I can't so I will keep going. I really hope this doesn't put off anyone else from seeking help as I'm sure in the end it will be worth it. I just need to know if the feelings I'm having are the norm for the first time you speak about it. I feel really down, am going to doctors tomorrow so I think he is going to increase my medication. Also have some health issues at moment so it just feels like things are getting on top of me. I have to have lymph nodes removed next week as they are enlarged and my aunt had lymphoma last year. sorry for rambling on, I think I am just having a couple of bad days. Thanks for listening, again.

Last edited by janie76; 09/15/09 07:34 AM.
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
Hi Janie,

I know I am coming into this discussion late - but I just saw what you wrote about your counseling session and I wanted to give you some words of encouragement.

The first few session do hurt A LOT. This is stuff that you have had boiling and churning up inside of you for years and you are finally letting it out.

If you think of it like a physical infection, it makes a lot of sense.

If your leg gets broken, but is never treated properly - then the bone heals crooked and many times a bone infection can set up. Sometimes even gangrene can set in. A doctor must then go in and re-open the wound and drain all the pus and infection out - in other words, get all the poison out. Then has has to re-break the bone and reset it in order for it to heal straight. So only after more pain can the real healing begin.

I was date raped in college, and did not seek help until almost 20 years later. I buried my memories, and actually blocked many of them. Pulling them out to begin with brought back horrid nightmares, flashbacks, etc. But eventually getting it out into the open started to help. Letting that poison out helped me to heal. It helped me to get rid of all the self-doubts and self-recriminations I had made about myself.

So, you are very normal in feeling worse in the beginning. But it does get better. You just have to stick with it. Yea to ou for taking this brave step to seek help! It is never easy to to reach out at first, because it feels like such a big risk. But it is soooooo worth it! {hugs} lovers


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
janie76,
I believe that what you experienced is very normal and to be expected. Remember that when a person has not shared those horrific secrets for years, it is very difficult to begin to share them. The key is to take baby steps. I'm sure your counselor will help you with that. I can remember the first time I walked into an office to talk about the abuse I endured. I remember that the room was dimly lit, which made me feel better. I also remember how calming the room seemed. However, I also remember how I felt. I was scared. I was sick to my stomach. I was confused. I was ashamed. All of those emotions flood to the surface when we begin to talk about the abuse we endured. It will be painful at first.

I rarely talk about my health issues, but for you I will. I went through so much stress throughout my life with being abused by both my parents and my ex-husband, that two doctors told me my body just couldn't handle the stress anymore. That's my understanding of why I have the auto-immune disorder that I have. I am deaf in my left ear and hard-of-hearing in my right ear. I have had numerous occasions, over the years, of my eyesight being decreased. I also have no balance on one side of my body. This is all due to the auto-immune disorder that I have. Recently, I have lost more hearing in both ears and my balance is getting worse. I share all of that with you to say that there will be days when it just seems like you just cannot go on. And it will feel like your plate is very full - and it is. But, you have to find that strength and courage from within and continue on. Many times, when our bodies are stressed out, we can get sick because of it. So, please be gentle with yourself. Take it in baby steps and pamper yourself. Get lots of rest. Know that what you are feeling is normal and it will get better. Continue to go to counseling. Let your doctor know how difficult the first session was and if necessary, ask them if you can slow the pace down a bit.

I hope that everything is ok with your lymph nodes. I am always here for you. If you just need to vent, please know that you can do that here.

Last edited by Kelli Deister; 09/16/09 04:56 AM.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Michelle,
I loved how you described it! You worded it perfectly. Thanks so much for stopping by the forums and sharing that description with her.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
I am going to councelling 2 x a wk. It feels like the room is spinning there sometimes. It is so good to hear that I am not crazy though:) I would now go everyday if I could. As a child I was never heard. I really need to keep sorting out the truth from the lies Ive been told. My mom use to call me crazy and a crybaby. I now have post traumatic stress disorder from being screamed at,ridiculed, threatened,chased,hit,swung at etc. I am staying home alot. I am so glad that my fear has a name and a cause. I am staying away from the abusers involved. They have tried to contact me and even aggravate me in ways because I wont see them. When this happens (and from thinking @)I get a stomach ache and have to lay down. I have been very hard on myself but I need not be. Plenty of that has been done already! Thank you Kelli for your posts! I dont know why I stopped coming here. I was so so so depressed. I was hiding. It is good for me to come here. Especially when Im in alot of pain. My (drunken)family is now trying to recrute my 19 yr old daughter. They never had time for my kids before. Now because Im not gonna be a whipping post they are talking w/ Jes about what? you guessed it! how crazy I am! all the more reason to heal! I need to help Jes understand when she is ready! very scary system to get dragged into! any thoughts welcome!! hugs to all!!

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
My first thought when I read your post if that your abusers are nothing more than a set of big bullies that know they can no longer get to you - so they are throwing a temper tantrum.

They abused you when you were little and they had power over you. They no longer have that power. You are taking control of yourself, and they know it. So what do they do? Try to convince you and those around you that you are crazy now so you won't believe that you are actually a strong independent person that can be wholly self-reliant and doesn't NEED them in your life.

Who are you going to trust more; people that hit you your entire life and is trying to still control every step you take (and are alcoholis from the sound of it) OR a professional counselor whose only goal is to help you heal and who, before you met, had an entirely unbiased opinion about the circumstances?



For both Janie & Freemenow: something that really helped me when I was first starting out with counseling and the memories were so painful and scary was having something to hold onto while I talked with my counselor. She had tons of pillows all over her couch (she was a pillow addict!) and she had this one particular one that had little tiny buttons on it, but some were missing. Well, by the time we got all the memories out - ALL the buttons were missing! grin I went and bought her a new pillow that day. But I also didn't need the pillow so much at that point, either.

It was kind of like a grown up version of a teddy bear.


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Michelle,
Once again, thank you! You said it perfectly. There is nothing else that I can add to that, except that you reminded me of the one thing I had forgotten about -- holding onto something while in therapy. I also had something to hold, well two things actually. The first was a large pillow that was on the couch. One day, while the counselor stepped out for a bit, I clung to that pillow, sat down on the floor, and just started to cry. That was so helpful for me. The other thing I held onto was something I bought at Price Buster's. It was a small ceramic egg. It fit perfectly in my hand and I squeezed it as hard as I could while in counseling.

Thanks again Michelle!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
I am a newbie; just registered today. I have had a lifetime of anxiety and tremendous unrealistic fears; this never made any sense to me. I have also been under treatment for major depression for over 15 years. About 6 weeks ago, I began remembering things from my childhood (I'm 52) that have absolutely turned my life upside down. I was an incest victim (my father, grandmother & grandfather) for 10 years; ages 2-12. There was also an incredible amount of emotional and spiritual abuse, along with physical abuse. I have, fortunately, been seeing a Christian counselor weekly for many years and he has been a tremendous help. It's awfully painful, though, and sometimes I can hardly breathe. I just am so thankful to be here. And I just want to thank everyone for sharing; I am thinking of each of you and pray for God's peace for all. Peace is a very precious thing; I'm sure something that most of us have had little or none of. Take care everyone; give yourselves a big hug!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Julie1957,
Welcome to the forum! There are many supportive individuals here.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the abuse that you have endured. However, I'm thrilled to learn that you are in therapy and it is working for you. Feel free to post here whenever you need to. As I said earlier, you will find many supportive individuals here on the forum. Again, welcome!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Over the last 2-3 days, I have had bits and pieces of memories come back to me that are so horrendous that I can hardly believe them. In talking to my counselor last week, as we were disussing behaviors of my father and my grandmother, he described them as being "evil." I have had no question about that for several weeks now already, but this stuff nearly blows me away. Even though I KNOW these things happened, I am having a definite problem believing that anyone else will believe it because it's so wicked and evil. Those two (thank GOD they are both dead) were so squeaky clean to the "public" that I'd be laughed to scorn if anyone (other than their victims) was told about this. Okay. The thing that is the most troubling in this to me is this: Last night, through a series of memories I realized that I became pregnant at age 12 after one of my father's assaults. That's not the worst of it. This was in 1969. SOOOOOO abortion was not "legal" in this couontry yet. IF I would've had any say in this thing, that would have never have been an option. No way. So what did they do? I used to spend the night at grandma's quite often. So one night when I was there, he showed up. They tied my hands to the bed and in some way, did it themselves. They killed my baby themselves! I remember vividly laying at home in bed being very sick after this; severe abdominal cramps and nausea. So far I have no actual memory of passing the baby. But I'm so overwhelmed and sick at heart that I can hardly function. I'd deeply appreciate any comments from anyone....

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hi Julie1957, I am so sorry for your pain both emotional and physical from before and now as you begin to work thru this. I have been taking a little something to ease my pain. very low dose prescribe by the dr. i didnt want to. the dr. and councelor have explained that as i work through the past and heal emotionally the physical ill symptoms will subside. it has gotten better in the last few months. getting it out with help has lifted the heavy burden some. i look forward to moving past it all. it is a slow process that i cant turn back nor give up on. i really do understand! hugs hugs hugs and much love to you!!!you are a strong person! you have seen some hell on earth. please try and be so kind to yourself now and have some peace anyway you can. listening to inspirational music helps me alot:) God bless and keep you:):)

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Love & HUGE HUGS to freemenow; Thanks so much for the response!! It helps sooo much. I have actually been on meds for depression for more than 15 years; including something for major anxiety (for some reason). The anxiety is a lot better; I guess I am so "new" at feeling this stuff with my abuse issues that that is what's scaring me a little. I have only been consciously aware of this for about 7 weeks. I just get a little overloaded sometimes because I guess God feels I'm ready for this and I'm not quite so sure. It seems like every time I feel that it can't get much worse, it does just exactly that. God has been very good to me; God bless & keep you my friend!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Dear Julie1957, Im so glad I helped! helping you,helps me:) I have felt very alone here at home. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. My family is seemingly very nice so most people look at me funny when I try to get support. I have isolated as a result. Therapy twice a week has pulled me thru. Im rising above my fears little by little. My parents who abused me live 2 blocks away. Recently I cut all ties and they are not happy w/ me. The little kid in me and the adult was afraid my dad was gonna come over here and kick my a$$ because it made mom cry. She never cared when I cried. I was watching for cars and all jumpy about the phone. Now I know why I was sweating and sick to my stomach when I was with them or was gonna visit. I hated being in a car with them. I may have been screamed at and slapped as an infant and up until I moved out. As an adult I would (still) become paralyzed w/ fear and just do what people wanted. I think God only reveals a little at a time because he knows we couldnt physically withstand all of it at once. God is good!:) Im glad I found this forum by accident one day! or was it?lol I gave up my abusive husbands 5 yrs ago. I gave up abusive friends 3 yrs. ago and now the parents and their fav daughter. I thought I couldnt make it with out them. Now I KNOW I cant LIVE with them. They were sucking the life out of me. I am learning to breath new life! I have some really bad times but the space between is getting a bit longer each week:) Focus on loving people,music,forums,tv. What ever it takes to get thru!!! Happy days ahead!!! HUGS!!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
My parents said I was crazy. I was so scared of being crazy it drove me crazy! I am not crazy! they are!! I would never hit my kids. I dont insult or scream in my kids faces. I dont lie to my kids and pit them against each other. I dont drink and get drunk. They are drunk by 6pm. everyday. I read up on how to be a better parent and person. I have searched for answers everywhere I could. I have empathy I have compassion! I even had it for them but NO MORE!!! My parents gossip and drink more beer. They back stab and have divided an entire family. Now tell me WHO'S CRAZY??? they would never seek help because down deep they know what theyve done. They must like it! That has been more cruel to me as an adult than the hitting from when I was younger. They would purposely spin things around and then tell me I didnt understand when I was asking the why what and who. child abuse,alcohol and lieing go hand in hand!! They were so twisted they would smile at me when they were abusive! WEIRDOS!! My mom says,Im full of nonsense! lol. shes a joke! Thanks for listening to me vent here.

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
freemenow! Thanks for the reply once again!! It is such an immense relief to "hear" someone say that they care or understand. Sharing experiences just makes it a little less heavy I think. I really love this forum; I have joined other online groups that are okay; but I feel like I have to be too "careful" about what I say on them. I would never intentionally hurt someone, but I feel so much more free to say what I need to here. And when I want to give God the glory, I just DO IT! I am so blessed with you! Each of the people involved in my abusive life is dead. I feel that is an advantage for me in most ways; then again I guess I'm not sure if there are too many advantages in a situation like that. I heard many threats and was on the receiving end of some very violent behavior, as well as 10 years' worth of incest from my father, grandmother & grandfather. It has taken me YEARS to get far enough away from all of that to be able to get through the terror and start letting it come up. Wow. Talk about a shock initially. My Mom is still living; she had nothing to do with it, thank God; and is left with many scars of her own. They treated her terribly also. But I believe that God is showing us some healing together; kind of neat after all of these years. I can sure relate to having the life sucked out of you; GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for your own well-being. The choices you made were very tough ones; I admire you greatly for doing those things. Hang in there, please!! God will show you the way!! I believe firmly that God wants us to help each other; it makes me feel so good when it works out that way! Lots of love! Take care!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
It touches my heart to see the members of this forum come together and support one another. I want to commend all of you for your courage and strength through the process of healing. It's not an easy process whatsoever, but there are truly brighter and better days ahead.

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Yes! Thanks, Kelli! This forum is so alive and so real for me; I just love it. Thanks so much for the comments. I am going in to talk with my Pastor today; I missed my weekly counseling session because my counselor is on vacation. It normally would have been no problem at all, but this last 3-4 days has been rough. So Pastor has said he would help me work on it, which I appreciate. Just airing some of this garbage helps. And sometimes I still feel like I'm standing here listening to one of my very good friends talking about a life-long horror that she has experienced. I still can hardly believe that it was actually ME. My life would make a terrific horror movie. BUT I am on my way UP now, and things are going to be better than they've ever been. I am convinced that the main reason God is bringing all of this to my attention is so I can forgive these people. No way am I ready to do it yet; I have no idea how long that will take. But they were the ones with the problem; I am actually a very normal person who has been living in survival mode for 52 years. I just remembered something I once saw that George Washington Carver said; it's something like this; "I will allow no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." Food for thought..... Have a great day!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Julie1957, your quote rings so true for me. I have always struggled with anger. I was taught not to have a voice. I must never have it. so I turn it inward and get depressed. I have loved unconditionally to the point of losing myself. Or did I just obey! I was a whipping post for them,door mat. I had to get angry in order to step back and free myself. I then felt that I was a mean person and was becoming as rotten as my abusers. I worry for them so much. They say Ive done all of this to them!! I feel toxic shame. I hurt for them. I have guilt and they do not. how weird. I know its not right. I need to fix everyone. I am tired. I hope you can follow this. I felt either way I turned with or with out them my soul was rotting. I am learning to detach. I am healing as a result of not being re injured on a regular basis. I couldnt love me when being told I was no good by the cruel actions of them. Its confusing to put down in print. I can see who I was meant to be when I am not trying to defend myself all the time. I have trouble getting things done around the house bcause my mental energy is burned up with worry. I try to go easy on my self. It is hard when I expect so much too soon. I have a lot of resposibilty. I must keep my priorities straight. God,Myself and kids first.Kids,Myself......lol. Prayer, Food,rest,love,bathing,therapy,bills,homework,chores,:) fun fun fun!!! Today has been hard. your posts are so helpful. God Bless! HUGS!!!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
freemenow; Hey! You make absolutely PERFECT sense. You are doing FINE. Everything you describe; all of the symptoms, go directly back to how you have been treated. Believe me, I have had every one of them; almost all, years before I knew WHY I felt the way I did. I just knew I was never good enough, had to be perfect, I think I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. To be honest, there's no logical reason why I am still here, because it would have been sooooo much easier to die. I don't ever remember thinking about suicide, but I'm surprised I didn't. The one huge "mistake" that my father made in his efforts to built this persona that he wanted the world to see??? He took us to church. We went every Sunday to a solid, Bible-teaching, Bible-believing church. So while he and his mother and step-father were decimating my life, they were actually pointing the way to Someone Who would ultimately save it. Spiritually and physically. Interesting, huh?? Ever read the story of Joseph in the Bible? His brothers sold him into slavery beacuse they hated him. He ended up in Egypt as Pharoah's right-hand guy. And Joseph said that God had used the evil that his brothers had done and "He meant it unto good." God is turning this whole thing around to bring glory to Himself, and to benefit my life, and hopefully others' in some way. Keep your chin up; you'll be fine. Keep hanging onto God, DON'T be hard on yourself; cut yourself some big-time slack. I had the legalism, too. Wow did I ever. Impossible to live that way. Give it lots of time, though. Believe me, this thing is a work in progress.... HUGS & GOD'S LOVE FOREVER!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
I hope your night is peaceful:) mine has been pretty good! I feel a good sence of relief after a long day! I really agree w/ your last post. I understand too. I have more to say and I will write again tomorrow. Sleep well:) thanks for being here when it matters the most:) HUGS!!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
you are not alone:):)

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
hey, freemenow; hope you're having a great night.... I have been away to Bible Study and now have some stuff to do soon. I enjoy exchanging stuff with you! I am going to be gone much of the day tomorrow; if I don't pop up there bright and early it's probably cuz I have a ton of errands to run. It's my pleasure to chat with you; you are helping me LOTS, too. Hope to be on sometime tomorrow. Have a good one! Lots of HUGS & best of all; GOD'S LOVE!!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
freemenow; haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you doing okay? I nearly always check this site each day; frequently twice a day. I have been thinking about you and praying for all survivors. Post when you can, okay? God's blessings and lots of hugs!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hi Julie, Ive been kinda ok,thanks so much for thinking of me. It means alot:) I hope youve been good. Ive been thinking of you and everyone here:) The weekends are less private with kids and all. I have this weird pressure in my head. Blood pressure? stress? medicine? allergies? not sure. I dont feel so good. I have an uncle that I love so much who has lymphoma. He is not doing well. Drs said he'd be fine but now my mean mom called my brother tonight and said he is dying. I am gonna go see Uncle Gary tomorrow with my brother. I may run into my parents. I dread the thought. My mom likes to chase me away and then say how Im not around for people. I was always the one there in the past when others were so selfish. Just up until the last year when I got sick. I just cant take it anymore. Now I have to straighten out my head. I have missed Uncle Gary so much and I didnt know he had gone down hill so much. I am sad. He is so sweet. He has stayed away from the mean ones too. Now my mom has been caring for him because she is his sister.I have worried what that was like for him. Poor guy:(. This stinks. He was so good to my grandma. I wish I could have been the one to help him but my mother would have never allowed it and I was in no shape with kids and 2 surgeries. I feel sad and scared tonight. I'd rather be cheering you guys on. This is when I usually want to hide. I Pray for peace, courage and Uncle Gary's comfort! Hugs!

Last edited by freemenow; 10/05/09 11:09 PM.
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Im afraid I will cry when I see my Uncle. I use to be so strong for people. I use to be able to comfort them. I still can for everyday stuff. But I cant stand the thought of losing my Uncle. He is like me. He has a blue twinkly eyes. We get them from Grandma. They call them smiling eyes. He would never hurt a fly. He has a speech problem and he has never wanted for anything in this world but a roof and a decent meal. I cant stand the thought of him being all skinny. If he is. I know he has an IV. I wish I wouldnt have broke ties with my family while he was sick. I didnt choose this. We actually got sick at the same time. My mom really didnt seem to care about either of us. Now she is gonna say that I didnt care about him. I can hear it now. My sister w/ her ugly angry stare! I hope I can get thru this. Im not even gonna look at them if possible. They scare me and make my head spin.

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Listen, who said you HAVE to be strong for anyone? If I feel like crying, I do. I used to keep it all bottled up because that's what I was taught to do.... And besides, what is it about crying that makes you "weak"? Know what it means? It means you care about someone and you probably don't know what to say; it stands for all kinds of cool things that I could never think of to say anyway. I have heard that crying with someone who is sad is a gift for them. Ever hear the Bible verse; "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep"? (That's Romans 12:15.) Same thing. Jesus Himself cried when His friend Lazarus died. Of course all of this hurts; you are not to blame for any of it. You happened to be brought into the world in a family that had more "important" things to do than care for children. Same thing happened to me. The whole thing is very overwhelming and extremely scarey. YOU AREN'T doing anything wrong. If you go, do as you feel is best. That's all any of us can do. God bless you, my friend. I am thinking of you and praying for you!! Lots of hugs & love!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
How are you doing today? Were you able to go visit your uncle? Please let us know how you are doing. I understand the pain you must be going through right now and wish I could be there to give you a hug in person. It's ok to cry. Crying doesn't make us weak. I remember how every time I cried, my parents told me to stop crying or they would give me something to cry about. Crying just wasn't allowed in our home. So, I understand how difficult it can be to allow ourselves to cry. Please know that crying is healthy. It's normal. Be gentle with yourself and take everything in baby steps.

I hope you are doing okay tonight.



Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Julie1957,
"...crying with someone who is sad is a gift for them."
What a beautiful way to look at crying. I think that's certainly true!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
thank you for your support! it helped give me courage and strength today. my uncle looked better and worse than i expected. I held his hand and told him how much i loved him and he told me. i cleaned his little apt. and went to the store for him. we visited with my brother. i took his laundry home and will take it back to him tomorrow. because of God and counceling and you guys and my brother even my uncles loving smiling eyes I can face what i need to face for today. i didnt see my parents but my mom did call. something about my uncles laundry needing to be washed in hot water. i just said ok thanks and good bye. i can do some good in this world and not hide. i did some crying today but not when i saw my uncle because he has hope and that gave me some and then i gave him some more!!!! :):)my mom told my bro 2 mo. but my uncle said 2 yrs. i dont know but we have today and i will help him all i can. i dont feel afraid today! it feels good! thank you so much for helping me along the way! HUGS and much love to you all:)Say a prayer for Uncle Gary because he has a mountain to climb. He helped me realize that mine are just hills. Its in giving that we receive. I must not stop being my authentic self while hiding from those who want to oppress me. Im so glad I was brave today!!!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
freemenow; Hey! Nice job!! God is working in your life; He's shining through your love for your Uncle. You're right about having today; not one of us is promised a minute more than NOW on this earth. "Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven; where where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal...." Matthew 6:20. "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:25,33. God's blessings!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
Congratulations on your courage!! I'm so thrilled that you were able to visit with your uncle and help him. You also did not give your mother any control over you when she called you. Instead, you were empowered when you told her thank you and hung up! Good for you! AGain, congratulations!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
freemenow; how are you doing these days? Haven't heard anything from you and I've been wondering. I'm doing pretty good. The memories still hit me every once in awhile yet and that takes some time to dig through. Takes a lot of energy, too. Sleeping is tough for me every night because much of my abuse happened at night. I'm restless, mostly between 2-4AM. My couselor says that's when it happened. When I get restless, I get up and eat; I've been doing that for more than 15 years. And, the eating has resulted in a substantial weight gain, which I'm not thrilled about; especially now that I know where the restlessness and pain is coming from. I am counting on God to help me with all of this; I've been way too hard on myself and critical of myself for my entire life.... So, like a "good" girl (so my dad told me) I've blamed myself for the whole thing for all of these years. Got some more journaling to do about that topic. Anyway, I hope you're doing okay. This is one of my favorite Bible pasages: "The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numbers 6: 22-24. Love you all!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hi Julie, and everyone here! I cant believe the time that has slipped away. I apologize. I think of you often and just am so frazzled and have alot of resposibilities here. I am like a child living a grown ups life most of the time. Ive been busy wearing holes in the carpet:) also raising children. I take something for sleep because my day worries wake me thru the night which cause the fibro pain and headaches. I understand and sympathize so so much. Ambien works. I didnt want to take it though. But it does the job. I actually DONT eat. Opposite problem. Takes a heavy toll on me at 46 yrs. Self sabatoge I guess. I saw my mom a few times and it has set me back. I am in much need of self esteem work. I think it will help me to strengthen. If I believe in me then they can not affect me so deeply. I want to detach and remember who is sick here. Just because they are twisted. I need not catch this illness by merely standing in the same room as them. I want to rise above it. I have God on my side! They have Miller lite:(. I can pray for them and stay far away.I do not have contact with parents or sister unless there is an emerg. Uncle Gary is so sick and I want to bring him to my home. He needs better loving care than my mom can provide. She is cold. I cant control this. I must keep my eyes on my kids. I have cried over this. My mom is not a good caregiver. I love my Uncle so much. He is in so much pain. I think I have double emotions and my mom has NONE. Ive been told to not get in there and try to control things or try to fix it. I want to so badly. When I was sick. It seemed my mom would have let me die. The neighbor helped me not her. I am afraif for my uncle!!It is so so so sad! I have noticed glaringly that while reading these posts: I relive the rejection daily. The neglect is why my heart hurts. I want them to love me. Being hit or beaten does not run through my mind a thousand times a day like the yearning for acceptance or the pain of critizism. My bad memories are of teeth gritting,cruel words,talked down to,ignored,being left out,shunned,dirty looks that to me meant "I cant stand you". Does this mean that emotional pain far outways the physical? Because I rarely recall being struck unless I am with an angry person who is yelling and or threatening. Just my experience. Im sure it is different for all. Reading here helped me see some things. Also I am pained when I see them because while they sicken me I still want to love them and run for my life at the same time. the turmoil is torture. Out of sight out mind is my goal. Thanks to you all! HUGS!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
In answer to your question, yes, emotional abuse can be more painful than physical abuse. When a person is physically abused, there are scars and bruises. However, those eventually heal. With the physical abuse, comes emotional abuse. With any form of abuse, there is usually emotional abuse that happens at the same time. The emotional abuse is difficult to heal from. The effects of emotional abuse last a life time.

Many survivors of child abuse, myself included, want just one thing -- the love and approval of their parents. So, the feeling that you have of loving them and wanting to run for your life at the same time, is normal. I remember, as a child, praying at night time for God to give me a mother that loved me and that would hold me. I remember doing everything I could to get my parents attention and love. I even tried dropping canned goods on my feet and trying to break my foot so they would love me and hold me. So, I completely understand how you are feeling right now.

There were times, when my mother wasn't drinking, that I wanted to spend time with her. But, there were many times, even as an adult, when she was drinking, that I hated myself for how I felt about her when she was drinking and abusive.

Please know that what you are feeling is normal. Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Thanks Kelli, so in otherwords this will get better with time and continued support? I surely hope so:)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
Yes, it does get better. It will take time and you most definitely need a strong support network. Is there someone you can call when you are feeling really down? I had to have someone like that. She was someone that has walked my journey with me for years now and I trust her immensely. Whenever I was feeling really low and like it just wasn't going to get better, I could call her, tell her how I was feeling, and she would talk me through it and pray for me. It really helped me. When I needed to get some help for the depression and the PTSD, she was the one who drove me to the hospital. That's the kind of person I feel that you need as well. Do you have a friend that can be there for you in that capacity?

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hows Julie? Re: Kellie, I am very bad at calling on people when I am in alot of pain or when I need a hug the most. I have yet to find a person who doesnt seem a little frustrated at some point. They think Im over reacting. Pain is pain. It just comes. I fight it. I surrender to it. I run from it. I research it:) I go to therapy. I journal. I pray. It still comes and I spend alot of time alone or covering it up. I really like what you say here though. No one understands like you do on here! Hugs:)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
I know how hard it is. It wasn't always that easy for me either to call someone for help. It does take some time to get used to. But, it did help me that the person I called on for help would call me if she hadn't heard from me, to check on me. But, I understand that it is difficult to reach out.
Hugs back to you!

Last edited by Kelli Deister; 10/18/09 09:27 PM.
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hi Kellie, amazing how things work:) we spoke of my needing a support person and then the sky seemed to open right up!! My other Uncle and I went to see Uncle Gary. We spoke of the ongoing family stuff for the first time! He is a really good man who has been upset with the condition of things too. I did not know. He didnt realize that I was was hurting so much and the decline of family ties. He is my new support!!! Funny how families are divided. Those who dole out abuse and those who DONT TELL!! My Uncle is [censored]! He said,they have brain washed me. I am amazed at how people get this in 2 seconds when it took me 46 years. It feels so GREAT to be understood:) I didnt even have to explain:) things may get crazy because we will all be brought together as Uncle Gary's needs are being met and we are loving him. I got him a cain and a humidifier. My mom kept ignoring him on those. I dont understand her. Shes aweful. I will focus on his good not her bad though. Shes not staying in touch about his condition. So I called my Uncle Jim and low and behold.......we have a common bond:) Miracles are happening in the midst of this crisis. I so so wish Uncle Gary could get better!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
I'm so happy to hear that you have a support person! That's awesome! It is strange how so many families are so divided and you're right, there are those that abuse and those that don't tell or talk of the abuse. Then, there are those that reach out and support the victims, just like your Uncle is helping you now. Thanks for letting me know. I'm so happy for you. I hope your Uncle Gary gets better too!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
I'm actually doing very well. BUT I am so angry right now; my father not only abused my brother and I, he was a sexual predator. Which, of course, means that he assaulted others. And, over his "career," Ithere's no way of knowing exactly how much damage he did. About 2 years ago, one of my best friends suddenly broke off all contact with me. Changed her phone number, just dropped off the face of the earth as far as I was concerned. What happened, I find out recently, is that someone told her about an incident involving my father (the person knew the connection between her and me). So although I wrote her and explained as much as possible, she will have nothing to do with me. Period. She has NO CLUE what she is doing. She's playing right into his hands; he derived pleasure from scaring the wits out of me, and also from making me hurt in any way possible. (he and his mother killed my cat once) So here he is; 7 years in the grave, and he just won another round. Demolishing my relationship with her would have made him happy for a month. (just need to vent; this thing makes me so mad I can hardly describe it.)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
I am sorry for that Julie. I dont have same circumstance but had a husband and sister tell lies and turn people against me. so i know what evil can detroy. it causes fear where there was love and it hurts. Ive tried to convince people that things arent the way it seems but ended up looking like i was trying to defend my own guilt somehow. guilt that i didnt have. i have lost countless people to this. or my being ashamed when i was fine. it wasnt even my misdead that was shameful. it was someone elses. I do understand this. especially in a small town for 44 yrs.

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Thank you, freemenow; it really does help to have someone to talk to who has "been there and done that." Really frustrating, isn't it??

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
being a good person and surrounding my self with people who believe in me apart from the maddness away from the drama has helped so much! I try not to react. The crazy people love that. I dont need more guilt. Id like to not think badly and then all will be right in the world:) its a full time job. learning not to set the bar so high!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
You're fine. Just cut yourself some more slack; don't be so hard on yourself. That's all part of their [censored], too. (you probably already knew that)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
ya:) I knew that but thanks for reminding me! How are you sleeping these days? any better? Hope so:) I am crying way way less. the out of sight is more and more turning into the out of mind:) yay! Hugs!!!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
J
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
J
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 41
Good deal!! (sorry for the censored comment; I didn't realized the word was in that category) I am still restless at night, but it's slowly improving I think. God is showing me more and more stuff these last few days.... Getting kind of interesting; and at times a little scary. But I can see the progress, thank God!! Sounds like you are definitely making some strides yourself!! Hugs to you, too. And keep your chin up!!

Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  ELS - Child Abuse Editor 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Astro Women - Birthdays
by Mona - Astronomy - 04/12/24 06:23 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 04/12/24 06:03 PM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 04/12/24 08:57 AM
Inspiration Quote
by Angie - 04/10/24 08:39 PM
Useful Sewing Tips
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 04/10/24 04:55 PM
"Leave Me Alone" New Greta Garbo Documentary
by Angela - Drama Movies - 04/09/24 07:07 PM
Check Out My New Website Selective Focus
by Angela - Drama Movies - 04/06/24 02:11 PM
Curiosity and Learning
by Angie - 04/06/24 09:56 AM
Easy to Sew Pillowcases
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 04/03/24 04:38 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/31/24 01:10 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5