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Joined: Sep 2009
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freemenow; Hey! Nice job!! God is working in your life; He's shining through your love for your Uncle. You're right about having today; not one of us is promised a minute more than NOW on this earth. "Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven; where where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal...." Matthew 6:20. "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:25,33. God's blessings!!

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freemenow,
Congratulations on your courage!! I'm so thrilled that you were able to visit with your uncle and help him. You also did not give your mother any control over you when she called you. Instead, you were empowered when you told her thank you and hung up! Good for you! AGain, congratulations!

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freemenow; how are you doing these days? Haven't heard anything from you and I've been wondering. I'm doing pretty good. The memories still hit me every once in awhile yet and that takes some time to dig through. Takes a lot of energy, too. Sleeping is tough for me every night because much of my abuse happened at night. I'm restless, mostly between 2-4AM. My couselor says that's when it happened. When I get restless, I get up and eat; I've been doing that for more than 15 years. And, the eating has resulted in a substantial weight gain, which I'm not thrilled about; especially now that I know where the restlessness and pain is coming from. I am counting on God to help me with all of this; I've been way too hard on myself and critical of myself for my entire life.... So, like a "good" girl (so my dad told me) I've blamed myself for the whole thing for all of these years. Got some more journaling to do about that topic. Anyway, I hope you're doing okay. This is one of my favorite Bible pasages: "The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numbers 6: 22-24. Love you all!!

Joined: Jun 2009
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Hi Julie, and everyone here! I cant believe the time that has slipped away. I apologize. I think of you often and just am so frazzled and have alot of resposibilities here. I am like a child living a grown ups life most of the time. Ive been busy wearing holes in the carpet:) also raising children. I take something for sleep because my day worries wake me thru the night which cause the fibro pain and headaches. I understand and sympathize so so much. Ambien works. I didnt want to take it though. But it does the job. I actually DONT eat. Opposite problem. Takes a heavy toll on me at 46 yrs. Self sabatoge I guess. I saw my mom a few times and it has set me back. I am in much need of self esteem work. I think it will help me to strengthen. If I believe in me then they can not affect me so deeply. I want to detach and remember who is sick here. Just because they are twisted. I need not catch this illness by merely standing in the same room as them. I want to rise above it. I have God on my side! They have Miller lite:(. I can pray for them and stay far away.I do not have contact with parents or sister unless there is an emerg. Uncle Gary is so sick and I want to bring him to my home. He needs better loving care than my mom can provide. She is cold. I cant control this. I must keep my eyes on my kids. I have cried over this. My mom is not a good caregiver. I love my Uncle so much. He is in so much pain. I think I have double emotions and my mom has NONE. Ive been told to not get in there and try to control things or try to fix it. I want to so badly. When I was sick. It seemed my mom would have let me die. The neighbor helped me not her. I am afraif for my uncle!!It is so so so sad! I have noticed glaringly that while reading these posts: I relive the rejection daily. The neglect is why my heart hurts. I want them to love me. Being hit or beaten does not run through my mind a thousand times a day like the yearning for acceptance or the pain of critizism. My bad memories are of teeth gritting,cruel words,talked down to,ignored,being left out,shunned,dirty looks that to me meant "I cant stand you". Does this mean that emotional pain far outways the physical? Because I rarely recall being struck unless I am with an angry person who is yelling and or threatening. Just my experience. Im sure it is different for all. Reading here helped me see some things. Also I am pained when I see them because while they sicken me I still want to love them and run for my life at the same time. the turmoil is torture. Out of sight out mind is my goal. Thanks to you all! HUGS!!

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freemenow,
In answer to your question, yes, emotional abuse can be more painful than physical abuse. When a person is physically abused, there are scars and bruises. However, those eventually heal. With the physical abuse, comes emotional abuse. With any form of abuse, there is usually emotional abuse that happens at the same time. The emotional abuse is difficult to heal from. The effects of emotional abuse last a life time.

Many survivors of child abuse, myself included, want just one thing -- the love and approval of their parents. So, the feeling that you have of loving them and wanting to run for your life at the same time, is normal. I remember, as a child, praying at night time for God to give me a mother that loved me and that would hold me. I remember doing everything I could to get my parents attention and love. I even tried dropping canned goods on my feet and trying to break my foot so they would love me and hold me. So, I completely understand how you are feeling right now.

There were times, when my mother wasn't drinking, that I wanted to spend time with her. But, there were many times, even as an adult, when she was drinking, that I hated myself for how I felt about her when she was drinking and abusive.

Please know that what you are feeling is normal. Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time.

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Amoeba
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Thanks Kelli, so in otherwords this will get better with time and continued support? I surely hope so:)

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freemenow,
Yes, it does get better. It will take time and you most definitely need a strong support network. Is there someone you can call when you are feeling really down? I had to have someone like that. She was someone that has walked my journey with me for years now and I trust her immensely. Whenever I was feeling really low and like it just wasn't going to get better, I could call her, tell her how I was feeling, and she would talk me through it and pray for me. It really helped me. When I needed to get some help for the depression and the PTSD, she was the one who drove me to the hospital. That's the kind of person I feel that you need as well. Do you have a friend that can be there for you in that capacity?

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Amoeba
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Hows Julie? Re: Kellie, I am very bad at calling on people when I am in alot of pain or when I need a hug the most. I have yet to find a person who doesnt seem a little frustrated at some point. They think Im over reacting. Pain is pain. It just comes. I fight it. I surrender to it. I run from it. I research it:) I go to therapy. I journal. I pray. It still comes and I spend alot of time alone or covering it up. I really like what you say here though. No one understands like you do on here! Hugs:)

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freemenow,
I know how hard it is. It wasn't always that easy for me either to call someone for help. It does take some time to get used to. But, it did help me that the person I called on for help would call me if she hadn't heard from me, to check on me. But, I understand that it is difficult to reach out.
Hugs back to you!

Last edited by Kelli Deister; 10/18/09 09:27 PM.
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Hi Kellie, amazing how things work:) we spoke of my needing a support person and then the sky seemed to open right up!! My other Uncle and I went to see Uncle Gary. We spoke of the ongoing family stuff for the first time! He is a really good man who has been upset with the condition of things too. I did not know. He didnt realize that I was was hurting so much and the decline of family ties. He is my new support!!! Funny how families are divided. Those who dole out abuse and those who DONT TELL!! My Uncle is [censored]! He said,they have brain washed me. I am amazed at how people get this in 2 seconds when it took me 46 years. It feels so GREAT to be understood:) I didnt even have to explain:) things may get crazy because we will all be brought together as Uncle Gary's needs are being met and we are loving him. I got him a cain and a humidifier. My mom kept ignoring him on those. I dont understand her. Shes aweful. I will focus on his good not her bad though. Shes not staying in touch about his condition. So I called my Uncle Jim and low and behold.......we have a common bond:) Miracles are happening in the midst of this crisis. I so so wish Uncle Gary could get better!!

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