BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Husband & adult stepdaughters

My new husband (4 months) does not get along with my two adult daughters, to the point he does not want them visiting or even calling the house. As a mother this is very difficult for me. His issues with them are not unfounded, they have been disrepectful and hurtful. I can understand to a point, and he has,I think, been over reactive, but I still want a relationship with my daughters, who at this point feel I want them out of my life. This is not true, but their behavior towards my husband and his reaction is making this very difficult. When he found out that I had talked to my one daughter (also mother of my only grandchild, who my husband adores (grandchild)) he said he was leaving. (Several months ago she came to the house when I wasn't there, he wouldn't let her in, she became angry, threw things off the deck and smashed the windshield of his car.) He called the police and reported it. I don't know what to do. This was a couple of months ago and my daughters seem to think if you let things cool off after enough time things should be forgotten. My husband, understandbly doens't feel that way, somewhat to excess, though. I am crushed and at a loss as to what to do. He's a wonderful husband and very good to me. Treats me with a lot of love and respect. But this is a looming issue.

It sounds like a family meeting it in order.

Your girls need to understand that this is your husband, the person you will be spending the rest of your life with and the man you love.

Your husband needs to understand that these are your children, and that you will always love them. On top of that, one is the mother of your grandchild whom you in no way want to lose.

If all these people love you, then they can learn to - if not like each other, at least be civil.

Your daughter's throwing things and smaching a windshield is bratty behavior (actually criminal when you are an adult) and sould not be tolerated. She needs to learn control of herself before she winds up in jail.

But for your husband to insist that YOU have no contact with your children - this is overcontrolling behavior. It is acceptable that he may not want to talk to them, but he does not have the right to say that you cannot.

There may be some information to this story that I do not know but just from what you've posted here I think that your husband has no right to tell you who to talk to and who not to. His idea to separate himself from your children is fine, he probably does need to do that for self protection, but he shouldn't say that you cannot.

If your children are being abusive to you in some way I can understand his concern, but to threaten to leave, just seems way over the top, and I would not allow him to use that threat against you.

I agree with Michelle about counseling, it may be the right thing here.

My 3 adult children were not too keen on my getting re-married either, and were not disrespectful to my husband but were quite aloof and this did make for a very uncomfortable atmosphere. I took each one of them out for a meal one at a time, sat them down, and had a good heart to heart. I apologised to each of them for obviously making a decision that was hurting them, and I meant that apology sincerely. However, I did ask them to let me marry this man as I did love him, and give me a go. I reminded them of the partners that had gone through their lives, some of whom were not my favourite people, and that at those times how I had told them how I felt, yet had loved and respected them enough to let them make their own choices, and never had I made anyone they brought into my home uncomfortable - even though I had at times advised them not to bring one or two of them back, but this was done privately with the said child involved. Each and everyone of them gave it a good go, and I might add, I had also to talk to my husband to let him know the past was the past, we were all now going to start afresh, and even if we didn't particular like each other, we were not going to be rude to each other, if we could not be friends, we could and would be civil. Glad to say that my children have been wonderful to him, and he has accepted my one and only grandchild as his own, they have their differences of opinion of course, but now they sort it out with each other, he with them and them with him.............No more me in the middle. Tis wonderful. Perhaps a one on one with each of your girls asking them to understand where you are coming from, reminding them they have their own families/lives and you do not want to grow old alone. Be prepared for the "but we will be there for you" [censored] and remind them of how many coffees they had with their girlfriends and you weren't invited, this woke a couple of mine up when they realised being there for me, meant inviting me into their circle of friends. As for your husband, he deserves an apology, the past has to be done and dusted, and everyone needs to give it one more shot at least, but he does have to put it behind him and not rehash it everytime they do somehting he isn't happy about, and they will. I am very sorry he has threatend to leave because you spoke to them, I think he also needs to be reminded that these are your children, and he does not have to love them, but he should love you enough to accept that and if he cannot put up with them in his own home, then accept that you can, will and must go to theirs. If he cannot tolerate them in his own home, please accept that, adult step children can have far too much to say and seem to think nothing of putting the new husband/wife in their place - even in your own home. I know this for a fact as I am very close to asking my husband to see his daughter outside our home because he cannot tell her to be civil and I cannot tolerate her insults and rudeness much longer I am sure. But I would hopefully not threaten to leave him, and being a mother, cannot imagine ever, no matter how horrible she is, asking him, let alone tell him not to see her.