logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Hi all! I am a 33 year old happily married woman with 3 adorable children ages 8, 5, and 2. I have been crying all day long hoping to find some answers regarding my mother. I am wanting to write her a letter to finally after 33 yrs, let her know that I am done with the "headgames" she plays. She was very mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive while I was growing up. I am the only girl and I REALLY want to have a good relationship with her. I feel as though I have given her several 2nd chances. I have finally realized that although we do have our "good times", that she makes me feel really bad about myself a LOT of the time. Since Easter I have been physically sick with anxiety because everything came to a screaching halt on my part that day. I got the cold shoulder all day long (which I have gotten used to and basically ignore), but when we left her house (we hadn't seen her in about 2 months.) my 8 yr old dd asked me "why is grandma mad at me, what did I do to her?" When I asked her why she would think that, she told me that grandma had acted "mad at her". I guess that this was the last straw for me. I DO NOT want my children pulled into this little game. So, when we got home, about a week later, because of me sobbing everyday, my husband and I wrote my mother a very loving letter that did tell her how much we loved and appreciated all that she does for us but we also told her that the head games had to stop and that it was affecting our family in a very negative way and that I was not going to take it anymore. It said that I was willing to sit down and talk to her so she could tell me anything that I had done to her to make her 'mad at me'. Well.....this only ended with her making my stepdad call us and give us the "how dare you treat your mom like this speach" and I could also hear her in the background saying things to him like "she told me that she hated me and that I was not her real mom", and wierd things like that that I KNOW never EVER came out of my mouth. I knew at that point that she would not be ready to sit down and talk like adults. I have also now heard that since this email, she has mad jokes about it, and has said some very hurtful things about my family. So now, I feel like I just need to make a 'final' letter telling her what i need in order to have a relationship with her and then she can decide what she wants to do. I think that she probably thinks that if she is "quiet" about all of this that I will eventually have to see her and that everything will just blow over like it always does and then everyone can get on with thier lives....but I don't want that anymore! It saddens me that she is mentally disturbed so it makes me feel guilty for being so hurt about all of this, but I just can't deal with it right now. She can be a very good grandma and mom when SHE WANTS to be and WHEN OTHER PEOPLE are watching her interact with us, but man can she get nasty. (seriously,we live about 1 hour away from her and the ONLY time she comes up to see us is when she needs a haircut from me. Then she gives the kids a treat, gets her haircut and is gone. It has ALWAYS been MY job to call HER, to visit HER and to fix 'everything'. She loves to make me feel confused about what is going on with us!) Since I got married about 15 years ago, there has not been a lot of 'fighting' outloud, it has mainly been her making me feel bad by the way she treats me and just basically acting like she doesnt care about me. In the past she has said very very very hurtful things and done very hurtful things that I have never ever ever brought up because I just wanted to try and have a good relationship with her (plus I know that she would have a very 'selective' memory when it comes to what she has done to me)....but she just can't seem to grow up. I was diagnosed with a very serious disease that makes me physically hurt almost everyday about 3 years ago. (we had been trying to figure out what I had for about 5 years before that.) My mom never acknowleges my illness, (which hurts, but I have just learned to deal with it). she actually makes me feel like a hypochondriac a lot of the time and i have even heard her make jokes about my disease, but I have just ignored them in the past. I just can't handle trying to be a mom, a wife, trying to learn to accept myself and my disease PLUS the anxiety and guilt that my mom likes to dump on me. I want this letter to be loving and I don't want to bring up the past. I don't need to play the victim.....I just don't want to be a victim any longer. Do I need to feel guilty about my feelings??? How do I do this??? I NEED HELP!!!! PLEASE!!!!! I try to be a very good mother and I know that I am definitely being the mother to my children that I wish my mother could have been to me, but I just feel so guilty and sad all of the time! I don't want to deprive my kids from there grandma, and I don't know if by writing this letter I am "playing the games that she likes to play"!!!!! I just needed to get this off of my chest! Thanks for letting me vent and any advice would be wonderful!!!! Thanks so much!!!!!

Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
WOW!! That was loooooong winded!! SORRY!!!!! =)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
my mom is very much the same way. we live 3 blocks away though. she always visits (rarely) when on the way home from the store so she can say she has ice cream melting or whatever in the car. my dad drives by 1,2 and 3 times a day and waves or not. my kids have been seeing this for 12 years saying,"why doesnt grandpa stop? doesnt he like us?" Ive cried, Ive told my parents to please come by. Ive been the one to go to their house. Ive said,stop driving by! nothing works. have you read the posts on grieving? Ive just slowly said good by to the idea of the family dream. we are not currently speaking because they are mad because I insist they change. but im not wanting that anymore because i dont trust that they will even if they said that they would. sorry for your saddness. it truly is devastating! keep believing in your self!! you sound like a nice lady and a good mom:)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
I also get an upset stomach,cant eat,headache and want to sleep or cant sleep. my mind races. wear holes in the carpet,jumpy about the door and phone. its hard to just live life free. but Im trying and trying. One day at a time.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
oh and dont be sorry about being long winded here........type and type all you need to. I think this is the best place to vent that ive ever found!!!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
First, welcome to the forum! There are many supportive people here!

I was so sorry to read of what you have endured. You do not need to feel guilty about your decision to write the final letter. I think what you are planning to do is very wise because it is about what is in your best interest and the best interest of your family.

When I read about what your daughter said, it broke my heart. My parents were both alcoholics, but my mother was a 'mean drunk.' Most of our abuse came from our mother. When she was sober, she was the nicest person you would want to know. But when she was drunk, which was most of the time, she was downright mean. I vowed that my children would never have to experience what I did.

Well, as my children grew up, they began making comments about what they had witnessed with their grandmother and they also felt that their grandmother was mad at them or didn't love them. I felt so bad because I felt like I hadn't protected them from her alcoholism. They witnessed her drinking at family events and when visiting her in her home. They witnessed the difference in her behavior, words, and actions once she was drinking. That spoke volumes to me!

From the moment they began verbalizing what they were seeing and their understanding of it, I worked very hard at not being around my mother when she was drunk, for the best interest of my children. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do, as a mother, to protect your children from her mind games. They do not deserve to endure those games, and neither do you! You all deserve to be respected and loved.

Feel free to post as much as you would like here!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
freemenow,
Good for you for continuing to try! Continue to stand firm and do what is in your best interest and take care of you! I'm proud of you for trying. And yes, it is something that you can only do one day at a time!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
To all who have replied.....Bless your hearts!!! I am sitting here crying (again=)....because people actually took the time for me! Wow!! This is truely the FIRST place that I have found that feels "safe" and that I can write my feelings down without feeling like others don't understand.......and you guys (sadly) do understand!! I am sure that more stuff will come out of my mouth (or I guess I should say my finger tips) in the next few days. I am trying my hardest to think of different ways to start this darn letter to my mom!! I just don't want to think about it,..it would be so much easier to just "ignore" her games again...but i don't want to keep doing that! I am kind of mad at myself to be completely honest that I am not being stronger about this. Why was THIS time the time that the head games just became too much to bare?? I guess I will never really know that answer and all I can do is just let myself feel how I am feeling, but I feel as though that this letter to my mother is the ONLY way that I am going to start the healing process. Thanks to you all!!!!! thisisme=)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
.....just a thought i am feeling really saddened right now knowing that there have been SO MANY good times (in my adult mommy life=) that me, my mother and my children have had together.....so WHY can't she just leave it at that and not have to 'intertwine' so many 'silent' hurtful headgames into those good times?? I guess that is why I am feeling guilty about not being strong enough to handle this. I don't want to give up those good times and the possibility of future good times with her, but I just don't want to be a part of the bad stuff anymore. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I just want all of the pain to leave my head!!! sorry, just a thought.......you'll all learn that I can type and think all day long when something is on my mind.....but it is so theraputic ya know! Good night all!!! And thanks again!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Thisisme, please dont be sorry, I am in your shoes too. Im sure you are exhausted. I know I am. Give your self a break. you've done nothing wrong. how can a person be expected to cope and understand such a whirl wind of ever changing moods from their mother? your confusion is completely understandable. I was always the fixer. I had to realize that I could not fix people. please try to seperate your self from her actions. you did not cause it, you can not control it nor can you cure it. you are so troubled by it. I understand that. You are very compassionate. Use some of that compassion for your self. You are the victim here. Stay out of her way. She may or may not come to realize what she has done. Let her stew for a minute. Let her wonder. Take a rest from it. I think letters are too final and we are not good with that sometimes. Sometimes we want the door slammed shut forever becuse we are sick and tired. Nothing has to be done now. Calm yourself with a hot bath. Please let some time pass for you. Its just time. Moms just going about her business as usual I suppose. They live in a world of their own not even knowing the turmoil they create. Hug your husband and kids alot. Heres a hug to you from me! Believe everyone here completely understands the urgency you feel to resolve this. The weight of the world is not really on your back it just feels that way. Ask God to remove this burden from you. Let go and let God:):) I wish you Peace!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Thanks so much! I guess I am feeling that this "letter" will somehow free me from all of this...but reading what you have written makes sense. The letter will not end all of the hurt and totally free me from all of this! I do need to give it some time....I guess I just don't want her to think that this time is like every other time before, because its not....but i guess I can show that in other ways than by just writing a letter. I think that I am growing more and more anxious right now because the 4th of July is creeping up on us and I have to tell you....(I am wierd) but me and my family looks forward to this day more than any other holiday! It is my FAVORITE holiday/day of the year EVER!!! But...I know that I will run into her on that day, and I guess I just want her to know where i stand when she see's me. All of the celebrations that we love are back in my small town so she will be everywhere! My other family members (siblings and in laws) are scared to talk to me to much for fear that they will feel the wrath of my mommy!!! YIKES!!!! =) This hurts a little, but I can't stop this for them, just for myself.(and she doesn't treat them the same as she treats me...i think i get a lot of the meaness because i am the only girl in the family.) I know that my mom won't come and talk to me first and I know that I do not feel ready to go up to her and talk first...there is just to much hurt right now. So I just need to muster up the courage to go and have fun with my own little family and enjoy the day as much as possible. (my hubby's family is down there too,(but won't be at the festivities that we will be at...they aren't as obsessed with the 4th as we are=)... and bless thier hearts, I couldn't ask for better inlaws!) I am just afraid that this day, that I look forward to all year will just be ruined because I won't be able to control my emotions and will just cry all day! I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT!!!! (I guess some good 'happy' drugs are in need for the day huh!!! =0 JK.) Just at all these events she will be surrounded by my extended family and I will be just with my little family (which is way better anyway!=)....but I know that she finds great strength in numbers and will do everything in her power to make me feel uncomfortable! Is it okay to still take my kids to the festivities that they have grown up with and try and make it special and fun for them even if grandma is there and doesn't find the courage or niceness to talk to them...or will this damage them?? I have not said one bad thing to my kids about grandma...i don't feel like that is fair to them. I will let them draw their own conclusions of her. I will pull them away if there is ever a "bad situation" that I think will hurt them, but other than that, I won't care if they go up to her and talk to her or whatever? I just hope that she doesn't give them the cold shoulder....(the public will be around, so I am sure that she will be as nice as nice can be to them for show sake!!=) I do have to say however, that my 8 year old has felt the effects of grandma for herself...and right now is kind of afraid of her....this fear has come from a mixture of her seeing how grandma effects me AND from being kind of ignored the last time she saw grandma. So I have a feeling that my 8 yr old will stay away from her. I just don't want my mom to think that I am 'brainwashing' my daughter into being scared of her. That is not a game I play, but a game that my mom would expect because it is a game she would and has played numourous times!!!! I need to get my anxious feelings under control. When I woke up this morning the first thing that popped into my head was my mom and I instantly got cold sweats, a lump in my throat, a stomach ache and a headache!!!!! This is starting to happen everysingle day right now. This sucks becuase I don't feel good anyway with the other stuff that my body is dealing with right now also! ggrrrr!!(BTW...I was diagnosed with a stuttering problem at age 4 because of "anxiety" (I don't stutter anymore.=)...and I was taken to the emergency room for ongoing stomach episodes at age 8 and diagnosed with anxiety disorder...so I KNOW that this does affect my health and has for quite some time.) And now with having this other disease, I know that feeling anxious like this makes my "all over body flares" worse!!!! I wish that we could all just 'take out the bad peices of our brains' and leave the wonderful happy peices there!! Could someone invent a way to do that PLEASE!!!! =) ...I have to say that I feel quite whimpy after reading all of the horrible things that other parents have done to thier children.....sexual, and physical abuse ontop of SO whimpy!!! I know that my mom is mentally not all home, and I do believe in forgiveness, so I feel guilty causing this rift right now!!! I know that I do need to let go of the guilt, and I am a very spiritual person. I am just struggling right now to feel worthy of our Saviours love. I think that I have felt "conditioned" love from my mom for so long that somewhere deep down I feel that the Saviour must think that I am a "bad person" for "causing" this problem right now by not being able to cope and forgive and not being able to just be stronger. I really need to work on my relationship with the Lord and start loving myself again and stop feeling responsible for everything. See....my mom is still controlling me huh??? I will get into what went on with my dad one of these days too.....that is just another story and I need to deal with one thing at a time. I don't really see him at all either, because again, it is my job alone to make the effort to visit him. enough about that. So.....I guess my big question is.....about the 4th of July and KNOWING that I will most definitely run into my mother at numorous festivities.....do i need to write her, not a 'final' letter, but just a letter that says that I will still be coming down that day and if she wants to see her grandkids it will be up to her?? or should i not?? If I could get some help with this decision that would be awesome. We usually go to my moms house throughout the day and eat and whatnot. I will not be doing that this year, but I want her to know that it is not because she has "scared me off" or anything like that? We usually sit by them at the parades and fireworks too....so how does this work. My extended family will be at these things too and I want to associate with them and with my neices and nephews and want my kids to be able to see everyone too. So should I just sit away from them, but have my kids still go and 'gather candy' with thier cousins at the parades and such???? And then that way, my kids, if they feel like it can still go and sit on grandma's lap and stuff?? PLEASE HELP me wit this!!! I have never dealt with ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!!!! I think that knowing I will be seeing her for sure is really really making me physically sick right now....I think that If I had some sort of silly plan in my head It would make me feel better. I will leave on one last thought.......the 'final' letter that I have been talking about writing to my mom is in no way going to be mean. It is not going to bring up all of the past hurtful things, it is going to just tell her that we can't change the past but we can change the future, but it will take both of us....and it will just let her know that I will not play the head games anymore. It is not really to severe all ties with her or anything like that. It will just put the ball in her court so to speak. is that the kind of letter that I should write before the 4th, so there is no question in her mind where i stand when she does see me???? AAAAAAAHHHHH I don't know!!!!!!!! Thank you SO SO SO SO much for taking the time to listen to my problems even if they sound silly!!!!! I appreciate it more than you will ever know!!! This group is definitely Heavan sent!!!!!!! Thanks all!!!!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Hi Thisisme, I think we are twins! God bless you Dear. I live in a small town too. I didnt want to separate the kids from Grandma. I blamed myself. I thought I was weak. They called me a cry baby. I cried in public and tried to hide it. They didnt cry. For me, its Mom,sister and step dad who stick together against me. Thats not how they see it. Your feelings are all very valid. You love your family. You enjoy tradition. I have made new traditions. Take your kids to a different town away from all the drama. Just for now. Take time to heal. I know its hard to image now. You could look at your husband and say "Hey,Im not having conflict today!!" "This feels good" your kids will be happy when you are happy. they dont care where. there are fire works in every town. but you dont have to be brave all the time. you are caught between 2 worlds here. its like a transitional time for you. you are growing and its painful. DISREGUARD MOM!!! the kids will love being happy with just you and dad this year! its not a game if you refuse to play. work on getting your thoughts straight about whos the abuser. would you envite a rattle snake over for dinner? No. just take care of you and your husband and kids. mom takes care of herself. dont announce it,just do whats best for you. good luck to you! God loves you and would never wish you such suffering! it will get better if you let it:):) hugs to you!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
F
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
F
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Thisisme, I need to say also, write the letter if you wish. that is your personal choice. im sorry if i said otherwise. im trying to be supportive but not bossy. i apologize if it seems that way. i have simular turmoil so i am quite passionate on the subject! I have had success with staying away and keeping my mouth shut because they just turn it all around on me anyways. I dont care what they think,say or do anymore. Its not up for discussion anymore with me. Been there and done that. I understand, you may need to do that. I did it too. Im still trying to live with out them and heal my mind and emotions now. I need new people in my life. I like being part of this forum very much:)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,

After reading your post, I want to touch on a few things. First, you did not cause this rift between you and your mom. Any distance between you is due to the games that she has chosen to play. It is and never has been your fault.

Second, I think you should take your children to the festivities on the 4th of July! Take them and your husband and have a great time! If you don't want to talk to your mom, then don't. If she doesn't talk to you, don't sweat it. Go and have a fun time with your husband and children. Enjoy yourselves! Laugh and have fun! Celebrate your favorite holiday! I think your children should be allowed to make their own decision about whethre or not they talk to your mom. However, if she starts playing the mind games and toying with their emotions, then pull them close to you and don't allow her to do that to them. That is all within your control. You cannot control whether or not she plays the games, but you can control whether or not she does it to your children.

Third, I understand how you feel about your faith and walk with God. I don't believe that God is mad at you for what happened I used to think that way too. I used to think that he could not love me because it was all my fault. But, I've learned that is not the case. It was not our fault. It is not our fault. And God loves us too and I believe he knows what happened and doesn't blame us either. I believe he is there for us and holds us close to his heart because of everything we have had to endure.

Continue to stand strong. Follow your heart and do what you feel is in your best interest and that of your husband and children.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! =) You guys are so awesome! Thanks so much for the advice!!! I did ask my children yesterday what they wanted to do for the 4th of July and they looked at me like i was an anlien!! They have done the same thing for the 4th every single year and like I said we look forward to it so much!!! So since I have tried to kind of keep them out of my sad thoughts right now, they don't really know 'how bad things are for my brain at the moment' with grandma. So...they of course said that they wanted to go and see thier cousins and be with them at the parades and fireworks. I did tell them that we might not be able to go to my moms house in between these events this year, but that they would see thier other grandma during this time and that seemed to not even phase them and they seemed excited. So...I am going to try and be strong, try and make what I can 'the same' for my family and the tradition and change what I need to also???? I just need to ponder this letter writing thing for a few more days....its getting to the point that I can't eat very good...I am physically sick almost from the instant that I wake up and I'm even throwing up without warning every once in a while! ICK!!!! Thanks SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!!! I LOVE you guys and I don't even know you! (that should make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside ;) Thanks so much guys!!!! I'm sure that you'll hear from me more and more and more and more and more and more and.....well you get the picture!!! (I don't want this to just be about me...so I do want to say that I am very proud of you guys and the accomplishments that you have made in your lives....hopefully someday I will be able to help others and not just receive all of the help!!!!!=) THANK YOU!!!!!!! =)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
I just got an email from a friend and it had some really good quotes and advice in it.....I just thought that I would share........ ***Some great advice!**** Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: > 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. > 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. > 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone... > 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. > 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. > 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. > 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. > 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. > 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. > 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. > 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. > 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. > 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. > 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. > 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. > 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. > 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. > 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. > 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. > 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. > 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. > 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. > 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. > 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. > 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. > 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words "In five years, will this matter?" > 27. Always choose life. > 28. Forgive everyone everything. > 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. > 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. > 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. > 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. > 33. Believe in miracles. > 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. > 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. > 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. > 37. Your children get only one childhood. > 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. > 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. > 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. > 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. > 42. The best is yet to come. > 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. > 44. Yield. > 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." Just thought that I would pass this along! I thought that it was really cute and it kind of gets you thinking a little bit!! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday afternoon!!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to worry about the letter writing, especially if it is making you throw up. Stress can do that to a person. I'm sorry but I can't remember. Do you have a therapist? If so, have you talked to your therapist about the letter? Can they help you through this process?

I'm so glad that you decided to ask your children what they wanted to do on the 4th of July. I'm also so proud of you that you decided to go and not allow your mother's games to deter you from having a fun time with your children and husband.

Continue to stand strong! You have my support!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Kelli, I know that I really do need to stop stressing about the letter and about everything!! (and yes...it is MUCH easier said than done, that is why I haven't mastered that one yet!!=) I do not have a therapist and I have never went to therapy. I KNOW that I need it and I REALLY WANT to go....BUT....here's the kicker.......OUR INSURANCE SUCKS ROCKS!!!!!!=) We pay about 450 dollars per month for it AND we have an 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductible before they pay for anything....which is basically catastrophic insurance!!! And heres the REAL KICKER!!!....We have met our 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductible for 2 years in a row now because of surgery's that I have needed for my health issues (and medicine and such.) (and no, we can't really get 'other' insurance because of my health issues and becuase my hubby has a slow progressing kidney disease...so no one wants to touch us with a 10 foot pole so to speak!!) SO......I really need to find someone that can really help me and I don't want to waste any money on one that hasn't been recommended to me....so I'm just kind of waiting! I just found out a lot more about my disease a few weeks ago (I went and saw really the only specialist in the country for this (Dercums Disease and Lipodema) in San Diego a couple weeks ago) and she said that I need to find a lymph specialist ASAP and start doing lymph massages if I want to start feeling a little better now and prevent massive damage to my body in the future...so we are already gonna be starting to dish out some major moola for that here in the next few weeks!!! FREAK!!!! That is another one of my MAJOR GUILT FACTORS, is being so sick right now! It is enough to feel guilty about being physically ill and now pile all of this emotional crud ontop of that and BOOM I am in WAY OVER MY HEAD in craziness right now! I will get it all sorted out...it will just take some time. But for now...You all are my THERAPY!!!!!! (and believe me, you HAVE helped!! =) Thanks guys!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I'm so very sorry to hear about the struggles you face with your health. I'm troubled to hear about what is happening with your insurance coverage and that you do not qualify for better coverage. I have an auto-immune disorder that leaves me sick quite often, as well, so I can appreciate all the time spent at doctor's and trying to get help in order to get better.

I hope you are able to find someone that you trust to help you through the process of healing from the childhood abuse you endured. Is there a free clinic where you live, where you can see a therapist? I know that where I live there is, but I'm not sure of where you live.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Where do you go to find out about 'free or discounted' help?? Does every state have something like that?? I live in Good ol' Utah BTW.=) I just don't know where to even begin to look! I have so many things going on right now!!!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I will be having a sleep study done tomorrow night and will not be home. However, I will be back home on Wednesday and will do some research for you to see if I can find any agencies or programs that you can contact for help. I'll let you know what I found out.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Kelli, Good luck on your sleep study! I hope all is alright and that you find some answers. Thanks so much for your willingness to help! You guys are all SO AWESOME on here!! This has been such a help to me!!!! Love you ALL!!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Hi everyone! Okay...so this is gonna be a loooong read, but i just decided to post it on here if anyone is interested? SO...This is the email that was sent to my mother after I had cried for about 3 weeks straight after Easter when that "something finally snapped within my brain". I have not spoken to my mother since this email was written....the only thing that has come from it, like i have mentioned before is she made my stepdad call my hubby and me and give us the "how dare you treat your mother like that speech"...then I heard even more lies from him and got even more angry....cried somemore and then found you guys on this help group!!! So, I just wanted to share it...I hope that is okay. I just kind of wanted everyone to know what has "already" happened and how it happened. This is the ONLY thing that we have said or written to my mother...there has been no other contacts with her by us and she has not contacted us at all...I am inserting 'different names' for who is being talked about! =) ENJOY!!!...Boy...I hope my mom isn't part of this group!!! (Or who cares if she is right???)=)(BTW...just a reminder, this was 'written and signed' by my hubby even though I did read it and okay it before he sent it to her. and this isn't the final final draft, for some reason that one didn't get saved...there were a few minor changes (nicer changes even!!!) Here goes..... (to my mom from my hubby) I write you this letter because, over the years, I've found that this is probably the easiest way to communicate with you. I can't make you read it, but you can't hang up on a letter or talk over one, so the ball will be in your court as to whether or not you continue to read it. I hope you will. I will start off by saying that this letter is written with deep sincerety, love and respect. I know that your life has not always been fair to you, and I know that you have had to be a survivor on many levels. I respect you for being able to come through these storms in your life. I know that it must have been difficult to go through a troubled marriage and later divorce. I see first hand, everyday, how young single mothers struggle to keep their families going. I applaud you for managing to raise your children and for having them turn out as good, decent people who are a benefit to the world. I know that, particularly at the beginning of (THISISME=) and I being together, we did not have such a good relationship. I have enjoyed being able to make that better, and being able to joke around with you and see the fun side of your personality. We love you and we love (my step-dad), he's been a wonderful Father-in-law and grandfather and I enjoy time spent with him. We have watched you worry and suffer when he has had health issues and injuries, and you have had to weather those troubling times as well. Again, I applaud you. So (I'm sure you are wondering) what is the point of this letter? I'll get to that now. I am very afraid that, if things aren't addressed, you and (THISISME=) will have only a shell of a relationship. I am the only one who knows, first hand, how (THISISME=) really is. She is a remarkable woman who, like her mother, has had to endure very difficult circumstances. I'm sure you are aware of how difficult all of your children's childhoods were. Divorce and contention in the home eats at the soul of children and changes them in lasting and profound ways. You yourself had some medical issues, some of which required prolonged periods of treatment, and children are affected by that sort of thing as well. We've seen (THISISME'S OLDEST DAUGHTER) go through it with (THISISME's) problems. I think that you had a lot on your plate when your children were young. I think that you were dealing with many emotional and psychological issues that, in effect, distanced you from your children in some way. With the exception of (THISISME'S OLDEST BROTHER), you know that I have had opportunities to get to know all of your children very closely. On occasion, I have been able to talk with (THISISME's OLDEST BROTHER) as well, but he is (as you know) a rather quiet man. I know that they all have some problem with trying to discuss things with you because they are afraid of how you will react. The general fear is that you will get very angry, say hurtful things, or simply turn your back on and ignore them if they try. I've seen it on occasion as well, and I mean no disrespect, but you tend to go on the offensive if anyone questions things that you are percieved to be doing. If you think about it, it's likely how you have been treated by your own mother from time to time. I've heard you state that she will ignore you, not call you, give you the cold shoulder, or act preferentially toward your siblings to hurt you. I'm sure you know how unproductive this all is. Eventually, everyone goes back to "acting" like things never happened, while hurt and resentment build up inside. What has brought me to this point is what went on over Easter, and the fact that it affected our children as well. As you may remember we came down on Saturday, and (THISISME=) called and tried to get everyone to go to a movie together. At the movie, my children felt that you were very dismissive of them and barely said hello. After the movie they asked if you were mad at them. I think that, in part, you get angry that when we come to (OUR HOME COUNTY), much of our time is spent in (THE TOWN THAT IS 5 Mins AWAY FROM THISISME'S MOM AND WHERE INLAWS LIVE). This is for several reasons, not the least of which is that (THISISME'S BABY) has a crib there and can really only sleep/nap there.. When we came back over on Sunday, things seemed fine,(THISISME) did notice that you were not in the best mood, but just went on with the day anyway, but when we got back to (THISISME'S INLAWS HOUSE), (THISISME's OLDEST DAUGHTER 8 yrs old) again asked us if she did something wrong to make you mad at her. We asked her why and she stated that when she tried to talk to you that she was ignored. This triggered some things inside of (THISISME), and brought back many other times in her life when she has felt similarly. (THISISME) felt ignored on Easter as well, and I witnessed her getting the cold shoulder and dismissive behavior from you while we were there. She spent the remainder of our time, including the ride home, crying. She wonders what it is that she does to you that annoys you so much with her. She wonders why it is that, if you are bothered by something, you cannot simply come to her and have open, rational discussions about it. Her long seated issues of self worth and self esteem are deeply rooted in her inability to find any meaningful type of praise from either of her parents during her life. (THISISME's YOUNGEST BROTHER) recently stated the same thing to me on the phone, and he and (THISISME) had never even talked about it. You seem, very often, angry with everything and we are never sure if it's somthing we did or said, or should have done or said. The head games that are played have to stop. It is not okay to be angry and dismissive to your daughter who loves you and wants a good relationship with you whenever you decide you are annoyed with her. If you are annoyed, upset, even angry . . . please, let her know. She knows it anyway, she just doesn't know what she's done. It comes off as is you simply don't like her or even, at times, love her. To feel that your own parents don't like you undermines every other relationship you have with anyone else in your life and you become doubtful if anyone really likes you. After all, if your own parents don't like you, who can? I hope you see that you cannot do this to her for extended periods of time and then show up when you need something like a haircut from her and act like everything is fine. That is what you're family has been doing for years and it's a form of psychological warfare. I've watched you as a master of this art for years and have never said anything about it. Every family has it's own dynamic, and I had simply figured that it was part of yours and that your children had become accustomed to it. Over the past several years I have come to the knowledge that they never get used to it, but have to accept it as part of how things are. Please don't get me wrong, everyone takes part in these types of interactions from time to time, I'm not trying to single you out as the only person I know who does it. I think we learn what we see and are taught as children in many ways, and I think you have made concious decisions to try and break some of the patterns that were your example as a child. I've heard that your home was seldom decorated for holidays and that birthdays were often treated as "just another day" at your home when you were young. I can honestly say that I don't know many who make such a wonderful effort to decorate for occasions and take opportunities to let others have special occasions. You have family gatherings and game nights, and I know that your family appreciates those times. This letter could be long.. I could give you very specific details on what has prompted it's writing. The bottom line is that I love my Wife, and I love my Family. I can no longer sit on the sidelines and simply let things happen and accept it as "just how it is". I do not want for you and (THISISME'S) relationship to fall apart. I want desperately for her to have a close, understanding and loving relationship with you. I want that for my children as well. They Love you very much. I fully expect for this to backlash in my direction. I fully expect for you to either: A) Completely ignore the letter and act like it was never written, B) Go completely ballistic, contact me to tell me everything that you view as a short coming and fault in myself or my Family or even (THISISME), C) Tell everyone else what a bastard of a Son-in-Law you have and the gaul with which he operates or, D) All of the above. Again, I reiterate that this letter is written with a great deal of love for you and all you have done for my family. I am sorry if you are angry with me for writing it. Perhaps you could let me know what it is that bothers you? I can tell you that I have had my own theories, and that (THISISME) has drawn her own conclusions about what those things are. Whether you agree with it or not, your daughter has some serious health conditions. Through a combination of genetics and simple bad luck, she has been given way more than her share of things she has to deal with. She has, since a very young age, been suffering from anxiety and boughts of depression. She has always felt like it was her job to try and make those around her happy when she was young. I've been surprised to find that she has actually blocked out many of her memories from her childhood, and I think that post traumatic stress played a part in that. She had the normal "simple" treatments for illnesses that people commonly get, such as tonsilectomy and sinus surgery. But has had to endure things that are much more emotionally difficult, such as infertility, endometriosis and adenomyosis, miscarriage, severly painful periods from endometriosis, back & leg pain and subsequently 2 surgeries for that, apendicitis and cholecystitis (which you can relate to :) ), hysterectomy, chronic and severely debilitating flares throughout her body that were not only misunderstood and misdiagnosed for years, but then later discovered to be Dercums disease and lipedema which are potentially disfiguring and potentially untreatable for the most part. I don't think anyone but myself witnessed how painful the recovery was for the surgery for that one. Let me assure you, ALL of her medical issues and treatments are REAL. Surgeons DON'T cut without a reason, because insurances DON'T pay without a legitimate issue. She feels that you see her as a hypochondriac. She feels that she really cannot talk to you about her problems, and these play a huge part in her life right now. STRESS plays a huge roll in the amount of flaring that goes on with her body, and the stress of your relationship, or lack thereof, is an incredible stress to her. (THISISME) Loves you. Remember that. You are the ONLY Mother she has. Try to think of what you would want or would have wanted from your relationship with your own mother. Please. I will stop for now. I hope you will consider all of this with a level head, and know that we love you. Sincerely, (THISISME'S WONDERFUL AWESOME SWEET HUSBAND =) *******K???---I would love to know what anyone thinks of this email?? I don't think that it was overly hurtful in anyway shape or form....I think that my mom is in denial and just doesn't want' to "talk" about stuff because she would have to admit that she has been wrong in the past?? That's just my opinion. I thought that he wrote a very loving email (in my real humble opinion...way more loving than it should have been, but again, we were trying to correct things, not make things worse!) Thanks guys! Hope all of you are doing well!!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
Wow! I want to applaud your husband on this email that he sent to your mother. There is not a mean word in that letter. He writes it out of genuine love and concern. Nothing in that letter warrants her getting upset, since it is written so sensitively and compassionately. I think he did a wonderful job in writing the letter. You are blessed to have your husband. I believe he sincerely loves you and your children. He has taken control over the situation and for that he is to be commended!

Awesome letter!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Thank you! I think that my husband is pretty much the greatest man EVER!!! He has stuck by me through some pretty rough times without complaining! I love him with all of my heart and soul!! So....it is wierd that my mom got all defensive about that email huh?? I think that the only way she should have gotten angry about it is if she feels guilty about some stuff and can't admit that she is wrong about some things...right?? I mean I'm no therapist or anything, but I don't think that should have backlashed on us at all, but it did, we knew it would, and I am just learning to deal with it. It's all part of the headgames! Thanks for reading that loooong post!!!!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
It is very strange that she got so upset with that email. I agree with you that she might be feeling some guilt or she wouldn't have gotten so defensive about it. Many abusers, when confronted, get defensive in part because I think they are headstrong that they have done nothing wrong and it is always their victims fault. That's how abusers think. So, it doesn't surprise me that she was so defensive.

Continue to stand strong! You have an awesome husband and it is obvious that he truly and genuinely loves you! You are blessed!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,

I did some research on finding you somewhere to get a start in finding a therapist in your area. I was unable to find any agency that provides free services, but do believe that there is such an agency for you to go to in Utah.

Please try going to Psychology Today, online, and it will direct you to the link that lists all therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists in your area.

I hope this helps.


Last edited by kellideister; 06/20/09 04:43 AM.
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Kelli, Thank you so much for your help! I will look and see what I can find. Thanks for giving me a place to start looking! I think that in all of this stress, it has been hard to just 'focus' on dealing with 'one task' at a time....it is more like a whirlwind of things to do right now. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Well, its official....I am going to see a shrink tomorrow afternoon!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I am really really scared! I have eaten 4 cherry's today and that is it! My ulcers are eating my gut up big time and I don't think that I will sleep much tonight!! I get to go and pay 125 dollars to some strange man to sit and cry to him. (but after that it will only be 77 dollars!;)Why am I having such a hard time with this process???? At least this money will go towards my 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductable! LOL!!! Is a guy therapist okay to deal with mother/daughter relationships??? He was the only one that was on my insurance list and I thought it would be better if the money I spent would go towards my insurance deductable just in case??? I don't know!!!! UUUUGGGGGG!!!!!! BLAH!! Good night all!!! =)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I'm so proud of you for taking such a courageous step and going to see a therapist. I think seeing a male therapist is just fine! Please let me know how it goes!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
The therapy went well. I am supposed to work on "loving and nuturing myself" right now. Hmmmmm? How do I do that??? lol? I need a homework book or something!!!! =) I am going to see him again next Tuesday, and I do feel comfortable with him so all is well right now? Thanks!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I'm so happy that you are seeing a therapist! I love that he told you to work on loving and nurturing yourself. I remember the first time a therapist told me that same thing and I thought to myself, "yeah, right!" So, I understand where you are at with it. I was told to go into the bathroom a few times a day, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself, "You are special." or "I love you." That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but you know what? It actually helped me! I also learned to stop calling myself names and to stop saying I was sorry to everyone for everything. Those were ways that I learned to love and nurture myself. I also learned to do things for myself...special things. For instance, treating myself to a manicure or getting a nice haircut. Those are some examples for you to try. I hope they help.


Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Kelli, Thanks for the suggestions. I TOTALLY relate to the "hardest thing you've ever had to do". I can't even think about doing that right now. I cry everytime I even think about someone else loving me. I feel like such a burden to people! I know that I need to get over that feeling, it will just take some time. And I had to laugh at you saying that you had to stop saying "sorry" to people all of the time. I say sorry SO MANY times a day it is not even funny!!!! So I will try and stop doing that!!! Thanks for your continued support!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I am always here for you and the others that visit this forum. smile
After seeing a specialist for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I learned how to be more aware of how many times a day I called myself a name, such as 'stupid', or said I was sorry to someone. I can look back at it now and laugh. I remember saying I'm sorry to the grocery store clerk one day, when the price didn't register in the computer. I guess I felt it was my fault for not making sure I had an item with the tag on it. Go figure! For those of us that are used to apologizing for everything and to everyone, we can relate to that story because we probably find ourselves doing the very same thing. You're right in that it does take time, but it is possible to learn to nurture and love ourselves. I'm living proof of that! Granted I am not completely there yet, I am still in the learning process. But, I can also say that I have come so far! And you will succeed as well!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
LOL!!! I have totally apologized to grocery store clerks on NUMEROUS occasions!!! That is too funny!!! I am becoming more aware of how many times a day I do say sorry to people and it is astounding!!!! It will definitely take a LOT of work for me to stop saying sorry to everyone all of the time!! I think that is the one word I use more than any other word..really! I guess that the word could be much worse though...right??? LOL =)

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Fourth of July is coming! Closer and closer and closer!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I know that I will see my mom on that day, but it doesn't mean that I have to go to her house or interact with her!! I am just hoping that everything goes well that day!!!!! Sorry, I just had to vent my anxiety's here for a minute!!! (ooops I just apologized without realizing it! and my first instinct after just typing that is to apologize for apologizing...but I won't do that!!!! =) LOL!!! I am not sorry for a dang thing!!! =O (I'll keep telling myself that!!! =) I hope that you all have a wonderful 4th of July Holiday! I will vent on here after the 4th and let ya'll know how it went!!!! Just cross your fingers for me and know that I pray for you all everyday!! God Bless You and God Bless America!!!!! WoooooWhoooooo!!!! =)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
Continue to stand strong! I know it is difficult and I know that your stomach is probably in knots. Just keep in mind that this holiday you will spend your time with your husband and children and having a wonderful time, free of the abuse from your mother. As for apologizing, please don't apologize for what you share here. Your feelings and thoughts are welcome!

I hope you have a beautiful holiday and that it is filled with love and laughter!

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 23
N
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
N
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 23
I had a terrible experience this morning. I have newly confronted my parents about the physical, emotional, verbal abuse and neglect I endured being raised by them. My dad was a vietnam vet and mom's first husband was killed in vietnam. They were heavy drinkers and couldn't deal with their own pain. Although I understand and feel bad about that, I feel it was unfair to bring three children along for the ride. They were too self absorbed to know or care what was going on while they were partying with other couples. On weekends they would get together with other drinkers. Us kids were to be quiet and away from them. I was sexually abused by two different abusers on seperate occasions. One went on for some time and happened to be by a child, she was about 3 years older than me the other was a man as old as my dad. Somone who drank with him a few times. I started having flashbacks today. I realize it is because I have now started to get this out, but feel just like I did when it was happening. For hours I sat here completly worthless and basically sat around the house all morning just making sure the kids were taken care of. Am I crazy?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
notjustme,
No, you are NOT crazy! Flashbacks are very scary to go through. It seems like you are right in the midst of the abuse all over again, when having flashbacks. They are very difficult to go through. My parents were also alcoholics and sadly, drinking came before the kids. They spent most of their time in the local bars. Sometimes, I remember the crazy ride that we all went through, as kids. It's very hard to process through everything.

Do you have a therapist? Is there someone you can talk to? You need to have a strong support system in place as you go through this.

I am here for you. Feel free to talk and share all you want.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
notjustme, First of all, hello and welcome! You have found help!!!! This is a WONDERFUL place and has helped me tremedously!!!!! I am sorry to hear about your abuse and just know that NONE of it was your fault!!! About the flashbacks....I recently started therapy and self help books and it is funny how your brain starts to peel away 'layers' and you start to find really raw vivid memories there that you have not had before. I am remembering so much more than I ever have. Sometimes it is a bad thing to remember and it hurts really really BAD! But think of it like this. Those memories are there just sitting there like poison even if you aren't 'thinking' about them. If you haven't tried therapy I would HIGHLY recommend it..just to get YOURSELF better and healthy!!! (it took me years to finally say...I need help!It was a really SCARY thing for me to start the therapy but it is the best thing i have ever done for myself!) It has totally helped me! I have realized a lot of 'sexual' stuff that my father did to me that I have totally suppressed and I have not realized up until now how that has affected my relationship with my hubby whom I truley love and adore and vice verse. All of this warped abuse crud that we carry around with us is seriously just poisoness!! Since my therapy started about 2 weeks ago, I am feeling less anxious and sick to my stomach. It is almost like you have a silent allie with you in your mind at all times that has validated you?? Good luck with everything. and remember that we are all here for you!!!! love--thisisme. And BTW...everyone...I totally wrote my mom a 5 page letter and sent it 'priority' so it would get to her by this afternoon. So I will have to see if she has a reaction tomorrow? But all I care about is that it is DONE and I DID IT!!!!!! I am feeling better and better about this...although, I do have to admit I am more anxious today about tomorrow than I have been for a loooong time!!!!!! It will be okay though!!!!!! You are all my 'secret silent weapon's'!!!!!!!! Love you all...have a great 4th of july weekend!!!!!

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 10
O
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
O
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 10
I can totally relate to your pain. I found a great book that helped me. It is called, "Will I ever be good enough, Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers." By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. You can find it on Amazon.com. I just bought two more copies of it for friends of mine who are going through the same thing. Hang in there and stay strong. Good for you in writing that letter. And even if you don't get a response, at least you know you got it off your chest. Hugs to you. Big Hugs to you dear.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
So just an update. I realized that I haven't written on here since the big 4th of July Brew-haha. =) I sent my mom a 5 page,very loving,from the heart, but also telling her how I want to live my life free from the head games and would be willing to work with her if she so chose to do that and paid to overnight it to her so she would receive it the day before I would be 'around' her on the 4th. Well....I was of course scared to death on the 4th when we got to the festivities. But I had a ton of friends there and so it would have been very easy for my mom and I just to avoid each other. Well, the next thing i knew she was standing right in front of me and gave me the biggest hug that i think she has ever given me. Of course I just started sobbing and she proceded to tell me how sorry she was and that she just wanted us to be able 'to enjoy the day together as a family', and that 'she knew we needed to work on things and that she was willing to work on things with me'. So, that made me feel a little bit better, and we were invited to go to dinner at her house and such. The kids really wanted to see their cousins and I wanted to see my siblings so we went. Everything went okay. My mom and I didn't really talk face to face, just more in a goup setting, but it seemed to be going okay. When we went home a few days later, I felt kind of weak, like i had let her win in a way by giving in before we really talked. But my counselor told me that the ball was now in her court and if I was ever around her and she started acting in a manner that I didn't like, that I should just pick up my kids, give her a hug and leave. So that made me feel better. ANYWAY....now a little twist to the story, which has just [censored] me off and has made me feel awful again. (Just some more head games is all.) I got a 2 page hand written letter from my mom a couple of days ago. And when I say 2 pages, I am meaning that it was written on like 5x7 scratch paper and just thrown together. It basically, in a nut shell, told me that she was glad that I was going to therapy to try and get help for myself and that right now 'she just doesn't have the emotional energy to deal with fixing us right now and so she just needs to focus on the good and loving relationships she DOES have with family and friends." And she also told me AGAIN how BAD that rotten mean email from my hubby hurt her and she doesn't know how to get over that right now. (If you don't remember the LOVING email my hubby sent to her, it is posted a few pages back I think?) I don't know why this letter hurt me so badly...I still don't. But it has really messed me up inside. I don't want her to have this control over me anymore. I wanted to call her up and basically B-slap her through the phone, but I didn't. I will see my therapist tomorrow, so that is what is pulling me through right now. My husband is so mad about the letter and wants to talk to my mom SO BADLY but I told him to wait to see what the counselor thinks. I don't want to play her games anymore.....but boy is she good at them. Anyway...just an update. I am feeling really bad again...I was feeling much better for a while, but now the sickness is back and I feel like I just want to dissapear. I am hoping that tomorrows therapy session will help somewhat with these feelings? Hope everyone has a great night! Thanks for listening guys! thisisme

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
You know, I will be quite frank with you. When I read about how she gave you the hug, I almost cried. I thought that was awesome and seemed like you were on the road to healing with your mom. Then, I read about her letter that she sent you two days later and the things she said and I became quite angry that someone could be so harsh and seemingly uncaring.

The reason I said all of that is to say this -- I can now understand where you are coming from and see the abuse she has been perpetrating against you. It's emotional abuse to an extreme. You have every right to all the emotions that you must be feeling right now. But, I want to ask you to please not blame yourself during this time. What has transpired is not your fault and I'm sure your husband has also told you this. It's ok to feel hurt, confused, angry etc.

I am also very relieved to hear that you will be seeing your therapist tomorrow and am sort of curious as to what they recommend you do.

Please feel free to come back to these forums and vent and talk as much as you need. I am here for you.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
T
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Kelli, Thank you so much! This group has been so helpful to me, and hearing other people "cheer me on" is so SO SO encouraging to me when I just feel like giving up and 'disappearing'! I really appreciate all of the kind words and just always know that you are helping somebody greatly!!! love, thisisme =)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
K
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
K
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
thisisme,
I'm so happy to hear that this forum has helped you and encouraged you so much. Please don't 'disappear.' Again, I am here for you.

Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  ELS - Child Abuse Editor 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Astro Women - Birthdays
by Mona - Astronomy - 04/12/24 06:23 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 04/12/24 06:03 PM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 04/12/24 08:57 AM
Inspiration Quote
by Angie - 04/10/24 08:39 PM
Useful Sewing Tips
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 04/10/24 04:55 PM
"Leave Me Alone" New Greta Garbo Documentary
by Angela - Drama Movies - 04/09/24 07:07 PM
Check Out My New Website Selective Focus
by Angela - Drama Movies - 04/06/24 02:11 PM
Curiosity and Learning
by Angie - 04/06/24 09:56 AM
Easy to Sew Pillowcases
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 04/03/24 04:38 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/31/24 01:10 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5