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Joined: Oct 2005
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thisisme,
I will be having a sleep study done tomorrow night and will not be home. However, I will be back home on Wednesday and will do some research for you to see if I can find any agencies or programs that you can contact for help. I'll let you know what I found out.

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Kelli, Good luck on your sleep study! I hope all is alright and that you find some answers. Thanks so much for your willingness to help! You guys are all SO AWESOME on here!! This has been such a help to me!!!! Love you ALL!!!

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Hi everyone! Okay...so this is gonna be a loooong read, but i just decided to post it on here if anyone is interested? SO...This is the email that was sent to my mother after I had cried for about 3 weeks straight after Easter when that "something finally snapped within my brain". I have not spoken to my mother since this email was written....the only thing that has come from it, like i have mentioned before is she made my stepdad call my hubby and me and give us the "how dare you treat your mother like that speech"...then I heard even more lies from him and got even more angry....cried somemore and then found you guys on this help group!!! So, I just wanted to share it...I hope that is okay. I just kind of wanted everyone to know what has "already" happened and how it happened. This is the ONLY thing that we have said or written to my mother...there has been no other contacts with her by us and she has not contacted us at all...I am inserting 'different names' for who is being talked about! =) ENJOY!!!...Boy...I hope my mom isn't part of this group!!! (Or who cares if she is right???)=)(BTW...just a reminder, this was 'written and signed' by my hubby even though I did read it and okay it before he sent it to her. and this isn't the final final draft, for some reason that one didn't get saved...there were a few minor changes (nicer changes even!!!) Here goes..... (to my mom from my hubby) I write you this letter because, over the years, I've found that this is probably the easiest way to communicate with you. I can't make you read it, but you can't hang up on a letter or talk over one, so the ball will be in your court as to whether or not you continue to read it. I hope you will. I will start off by saying that this letter is written with deep sincerety, love and respect. I know that your life has not always been fair to you, and I know that you have had to be a survivor on many levels. I respect you for being able to come through these storms in your life. I know that it must have been difficult to go through a troubled marriage and later divorce. I see first hand, everyday, how young single mothers struggle to keep their families going. I applaud you for managing to raise your children and for having them turn out as good, decent people who are a benefit to the world. I know that, particularly at the beginning of (THISISME=) and I being together, we did not have such a good relationship. I have enjoyed being able to make that better, and being able to joke around with you and see the fun side of your personality. We love you and we love (my step-dad), he's been a wonderful Father-in-law and grandfather and I enjoy time spent with him. We have watched you worry and suffer when he has had health issues and injuries, and you have had to weather those troubling times as well. Again, I applaud you. So (I'm sure you are wondering) what is the point of this letter? I'll get to that now. I am very afraid that, if things aren't addressed, you and (THISISME=) will have only a shell of a relationship. I am the only one who knows, first hand, how (THISISME=) really is. She is a remarkable woman who, like her mother, has had to endure very difficult circumstances. I'm sure you are aware of how difficult all of your children's childhoods were. Divorce and contention in the home eats at the soul of children and changes them in lasting and profound ways. You yourself had some medical issues, some of which required prolonged periods of treatment, and children are affected by that sort of thing as well. We've seen (THISISME'S OLDEST DAUGHTER) go through it with (THISISME's) problems. I think that you had a lot on your plate when your children were young. I think that you were dealing with many emotional and psychological issues that, in effect, distanced you from your children in some way. With the exception of (THISISME'S OLDEST BROTHER), you know that I have had opportunities to get to know all of your children very closely. On occasion, I have been able to talk with (THISISME's OLDEST BROTHER) as well, but he is (as you know) a rather quiet man. I know that they all have some problem with trying to discuss things with you because they are afraid of how you will react. The general fear is that you will get very angry, say hurtful things, or simply turn your back on and ignore them if they try. I've seen it on occasion as well, and I mean no disrespect, but you tend to go on the offensive if anyone questions things that you are percieved to be doing. If you think about it, it's likely how you have been treated by your own mother from time to time. I've heard you state that she will ignore you, not call you, give you the cold shoulder, or act preferentially toward your siblings to hurt you. I'm sure you know how unproductive this all is. Eventually, everyone goes back to "acting" like things never happened, while hurt and resentment build up inside. What has brought me to this point is what went on over Easter, and the fact that it affected our children as well. As you may remember we came down on Saturday, and (THISISME=) called and tried to get everyone to go to a movie together. At the movie, my children felt that you were very dismissive of them and barely said hello. After the movie they asked if you were mad at them. I think that, in part, you get angry that when we come to (OUR HOME COUNTY), much of our time is spent in (THE TOWN THAT IS 5 Mins AWAY FROM THISISME'S MOM AND WHERE INLAWS LIVE). This is for several reasons, not the least of which is that (THISISME'S BABY) has a crib there and can really only sleep/nap there.. When we came back over on Sunday, things seemed fine,(THISISME) did notice that you were not in the best mood, but just went on with the day anyway, but when we got back to (THISISME'S INLAWS HOUSE), (THISISME's OLDEST DAUGHTER 8 yrs old) again asked us if she did something wrong to make you mad at her. We asked her why and she stated that when she tried to talk to you that she was ignored. This triggered some things inside of (THISISME), and brought back many other times in her life when she has felt similarly. (THISISME) felt ignored on Easter as well, and I witnessed her getting the cold shoulder and dismissive behavior from you while we were there. She spent the remainder of our time, including the ride home, crying. She wonders what it is that she does to you that annoys you so much with her. She wonders why it is that, if you are bothered by something, you cannot simply come to her and have open, rational discussions about it. Her long seated issues of self worth and self esteem are deeply rooted in her inability to find any meaningful type of praise from either of her parents during her life. (THISISME's YOUNGEST BROTHER) recently stated the same thing to me on the phone, and he and (THISISME) had never even talked about it. You seem, very often, angry with everything and we are never sure if it's somthing we did or said, or should have done or said. The head games that are played have to stop. It is not okay to be angry and dismissive to your daughter who loves you and wants a good relationship with you whenever you decide you are annoyed with her. If you are annoyed, upset, even angry . . . please, let her know. She knows it anyway, she just doesn't know what she's done. It comes off as is you simply don't like her or even, at times, love her. To feel that your own parents don't like you undermines every other relationship you have with anyone else in your life and you become doubtful if anyone really likes you. After all, if your own parents don't like you, who can? I hope you see that you cannot do this to her for extended periods of time and then show up when you need something like a haircut from her and act like everything is fine. That is what you're family has been doing for years and it's a form of psychological warfare. I've watched you as a master of this art for years and have never said anything about it. Every family has it's own dynamic, and I had simply figured that it was part of yours and that your children had become accustomed to it. Over the past several years I have come to the knowledge that they never get used to it, but have to accept it as part of how things are. Please don't get me wrong, everyone takes part in these types of interactions from time to time, I'm not trying to single you out as the only person I know who does it. I think we learn what we see and are taught as children in many ways, and I think you have made concious decisions to try and break some of the patterns that were your example as a child. I've heard that your home was seldom decorated for holidays and that birthdays were often treated as "just another day" at your home when you were young. I can honestly say that I don't know many who make such a wonderful effort to decorate for occasions and take opportunities to let others have special occasions. You have family gatherings and game nights, and I know that your family appreciates those times. This letter could be long.. I could give you very specific details on what has prompted it's writing. The bottom line is that I love my Wife, and I love my Family. I can no longer sit on the sidelines and simply let things happen and accept it as "just how it is". I do not want for you and (THISISME'S) relationship to fall apart. I want desperately for her to have a close, understanding and loving relationship with you. I want that for my children as well. They Love you very much. I fully expect for this to backlash in my direction. I fully expect for you to either: A) Completely ignore the letter and act like it was never written, B) Go completely ballistic, contact me to tell me everything that you view as a short coming and fault in myself or my Family or even (THISISME), C) Tell everyone else what a bastard of a Son-in-Law you have and the gaul with which he operates or, D) All of the above. Again, I reiterate that this letter is written with a great deal of love for you and all you have done for my family. I am sorry if you are angry with me for writing it. Perhaps you could let me know what it is that bothers you? I can tell you that I have had my own theories, and that (THISISME) has drawn her own conclusions about what those things are. Whether you agree with it or not, your daughter has some serious health conditions. Through a combination of genetics and simple bad luck, she has been given way more than her share of things she has to deal with. She has, since a very young age, been suffering from anxiety and boughts of depression. She has always felt like it was her job to try and make those around her happy when she was young. I've been surprised to find that she has actually blocked out many of her memories from her childhood, and I think that post traumatic stress played a part in that. She had the normal "simple" treatments for illnesses that people commonly get, such as tonsilectomy and sinus surgery. But has had to endure things that are much more emotionally difficult, such as infertility, endometriosis and adenomyosis, miscarriage, severly painful periods from endometriosis, back & leg pain and subsequently 2 surgeries for that, apendicitis and cholecystitis (which you can relate to :) ), hysterectomy, chronic and severely debilitating flares throughout her body that were not only misunderstood and misdiagnosed for years, but then later discovered to be Dercums disease and lipedema which are potentially disfiguring and potentially untreatable for the most part. I don't think anyone but myself witnessed how painful the recovery was for the surgery for that one. Let me assure you, ALL of her medical issues and treatments are REAL. Surgeons DON'T cut without a reason, because insurances DON'T pay without a legitimate issue. She feels that you see her as a hypochondriac. She feels that she really cannot talk to you about her problems, and these play a huge part in her life right now. STRESS plays a huge roll in the amount of flaring that goes on with her body, and the stress of your relationship, or lack thereof, is an incredible stress to her. (THISISME) Loves you. Remember that. You are the ONLY Mother she has. Try to think of what you would want or would have wanted from your relationship with your own mother. Please. I will stop for now. I hope you will consider all of this with a level head, and know that we love you. Sincerely, (THISISME'S WONDERFUL AWESOME SWEET HUSBAND =) *******K???---I would love to know what anyone thinks of this email?? I don't think that it was overly hurtful in anyway shape or form....I think that my mom is in denial and just doesn't want' to "talk" about stuff because she would have to admit that she has been wrong in the past?? That's just my opinion. I thought that he wrote a very loving email (in my real humble opinion...way more loving than it should have been, but again, we were trying to correct things, not make things worse!) Thanks guys! Hope all of you are doing well!!!

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thisisme,
Wow! I want to applaud your husband on this email that he sent to your mother. There is not a mean word in that letter. He writes it out of genuine love and concern. Nothing in that letter warrants her getting upset, since it is written so sensitively and compassionately. I think he did a wonderful job in writing the letter. You are blessed to have your husband. I believe he sincerely loves you and your children. He has taken control over the situation and for that he is to be commended!

Awesome letter!

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Thank you! I think that my husband is pretty much the greatest man EVER!!! He has stuck by me through some pretty rough times without complaining! I love him with all of my heart and soul!! So....it is wierd that my mom got all defensive about that email huh?? I think that the only way she should have gotten angry about it is if she feels guilty about some stuff and can't admit that she is wrong about some things...right?? I mean I'm no therapist or anything, but I don't think that should have backlashed on us at all, but it did, we knew it would, and I am just learning to deal with it. It's all part of the headgames! Thanks for reading that loooong post!!!!

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thisisme,
It is very strange that she got so upset with that email. I agree with you that she might be feeling some guilt or she wouldn't have gotten so defensive about it. Many abusers, when confronted, get defensive in part because I think they are headstrong that they have done nothing wrong and it is always their victims fault. That's how abusers think. So, it doesn't surprise me that she was so defensive.

Continue to stand strong! You have an awesome husband and it is obvious that he truly and genuinely loves you! You are blessed!

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thisisme,

I did some research on finding you somewhere to get a start in finding a therapist in your area. I was unable to find any agency that provides free services, but do believe that there is such an agency for you to go to in Utah.

Please try going to Psychology Today, online, and it will direct you to the link that lists all therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists in your area.

I hope this helps.


Last edited by kellideister; 06/20/09 04:43 AM.
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Kelli, Thank you so much for your help! I will look and see what I can find. Thanks for giving me a place to start looking! I think that in all of this stress, it has been hard to just 'focus' on dealing with 'one task' at a time....it is more like a whirlwind of things to do right now. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

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Well, its official....I am going to see a shrink tomorrow afternoon!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I am really really scared! I have eaten 4 cherry's today and that is it! My ulcers are eating my gut up big time and I don't think that I will sleep much tonight!! I get to go and pay 125 dollars to some strange man to sit and cry to him. (but after that it will only be 77 dollars!;)Why am I having such a hard time with this process???? At least this money will go towards my 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductable! LOL!!! Is a guy therapist okay to deal with mother/daughter relationships??? He was the only one that was on my insurance list and I thought it would be better if the money I spent would go towards my insurance deductable just in case??? I don't know!!!! UUUUGGGGGG!!!!!! BLAH!! Good night all!!! =)

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thisisme,
I'm so proud of you for taking such a courageous step and going to see a therapist. I think seeing a male therapist is just fine! Please let me know how it goes!

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