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[quote=Spirituality&SFFMoviesEd]I was thinking about the "it takes a village" thing, too. People are so mobile these days. Families don't grow up right next door to their parents and grandparents anymore (well, sometimes - but not as much as in the past). Many couples live clear across the continent from any family members. And we feel like we are imposing by asking neighbors or friends to help out. Even churches are not as helpful as they should be in many cases.[/quote] That is the truth. We live on the other side of the country from any of my or my husband's family. There are neighbors on my block, but everyone all lives in their own little worlds, pre-occupied by their own lives. My family can't take a several-hour plane trip across country just to visit of babysit for the evening; and I don't feel comfortable knocking on the door of someone who is at best an acquaintence and saying: "Hi, I don't even know your name, but can you babysit my kids for the evening?" My biggest problem with motherhood has been I never bonded to my children. My first pregnancy was unplanned (and as some might see from my previous posts I assumed birth control which had worked faithfully for years would continue to work) I had a lot to struggle with. I never felt any connection to my first-born from the moment I realized I was pregnant. The contraceptives I was on eliminated my period, so I had no indication other than weight gain until I started to show definative pregnancy signs. Being pregnant got me passed by for a lucrative promotion, which left a very bitter taste in my mouth. My husband wanted to keep our child, so we decided not to put him up for adoption. Religion-wise, abortion was not an option. I was not ready for a child emotionally. I knew that bonding would be an issue, so I started going to counseling -- both through my Church and through a normal shrink. I took parenting classes, and I tried to be prepared in every way possible. After my son was born I had a tubal. I waited the healing time before "doing the deed" again. I followed the precautions. I didn't want any more children as I was already struggling with relating to him. Long and short: My tubal failed, I got pregnant again. I do better with my second child than my first, but I still don't relate well to either of them. I feel bad for my first son because he's probably had the brunt of my motherhood frustrations put on him. For a while, my husband and I lived apart after my first son was born. I just couldn't be around him. Though I was still going to counseling, everything I did in the sessions went out the window as soon as I got home. I realized it was best my husband and I put some distance between us so my son could grow up in a stable environment, and not have to deal with someone like me. My husband and I didn't get a divorce, and I didn't officially sign over custody, but even now that we're living together again it's rough. I don't mind doing the physical needs stuff: laundry, changing the younger's diapers, cleaning the house, picking up toys, that sort of stuff... but the emotional aspect: snuggles, storytime, playtime: I can't fake it well enough to even fool a three-year old. My husband and I don't want a divorce, but our relationship has definately been strained. My family has essentially ostracized me for my non-maternal views, and refuses to speak to me until I "love my babies." It's not that I don't love my children... I just don't love being their mother :-(

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I feel for you... please don't feel you are alone. Not everyone has the warm fuzzy feelings. A couple of suggestions... have you talked to your doctor? it sounds as if you may be suffering from depression. Secondly, is there a "Mom's group" in your town (the library may be a good place to ask...). You may not like it... the thought of even more kids around may put you off! But on the other hand, you will network with other moms, maybe be able to find a reliable babysitter, or exchange a couple of hours with someone. Also, it sounds as if you are meeting tour kids' physical needs... you might find as they get older, you get closer to them. Young children are very demanding... older children can share in wider experiences, hobbies... whatever you have going on. Chances are, one day your older child will do or say something that will make you really melt but even then it won't be easy.

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I find these posts so incredibly sad and heart wrenching. It's so hard to read what some of you are going through. I just want to thank you all for sharing your experiences and emotions. It has helped me in my baby decision which I have been deciding on for five years. I will not have children simply because I know I will not be happy. And in turn, will make my poor children unhappy. Although I feel I will be very hands on mom because I love kids in general, feeling burdened or overwhelmed will affect my relationship with my kids. Being clinically depressed and sick all the time wouldn't help either. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel bad or guilty for my decision. It's my life, no one, not even my dear darling husband has any say in it. If it means that we would have to break apart one day, so be it.

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I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Don't get me wrong I love my son and now that he is here I don't want anything to happen to him and I want nothing but the best for him. The only problem is, I don't enjoy being a mother. I never was crazy about kids or babies but I figured that I would feel differently when it was my own child. At first my husband said it was because breastfeeding was so difficult and then he attributed my unhappiness at home to the fact that I was working at a job I hated. Well my child will be one year old next week, breastfeeding did get better, and I quit my job but I still don't enjoy being a mom. Everyone assumes that as a woman that is our big accomplishment in life, that is all we live for. I gave up a promising career in the military just to have a kid and now I don't know if this is the life I want. I hear so many woman talk about how much they love being a mom and they couldn't imagine not being with them. I just can't relate. To make matters worse, I am now a fulltime SAHM so this is all I do all day long. I feel so guilty for feeling this way because my little man is such a good baby and he doesn't deserve a mother who feels this way but I don't know what to do. I tried joining a MOPS group but clearly for a woman who isn't into kids that was not the best group for me. I just feel so alone.

Last edited by Buckeyemom; 05/13/09 02:03 PM.
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Buckeyemom, I'm so sorry for your struggles. :( I hope you will find support here on the forum. Certainly, you can see that you're not alone. I think you should of course follow your heart. Perhaps being a SAHM mom isn't for you, and maybe that's something to give some serious thought? I'm not a mom, but regardless of what someone is going through, I always like to remind people to remind themselves of what they're thankful for. So long as one's brain chemistry is functioning properly (serotonin, etc), this little gratitude exercise can really give one a boost. If your brain chemistry is off, exercise (at least 10 min of high-intensity daily), sunshine (especially in the morning), fish oil, vitamin D, good sleep, and high-nutrient foods all greatly help. I know there are a lot of moms who would think it an absolute luxury to get to stay home with their little one in the comfort of their home. Perhaps you can sit down with a list, write down what you're thankful for, and also think of additional things that might add fun, joy and laughter to your day? It could be something as simple as going outside to smell the roses with your son, taking a short walk, listening to music that inspires or relaxes you, learning to play an instrument, etc. Once you have a grasp on the things that bring you a sprinkle of joy during the day, find a way to incorporate them into your daily or weekly routine. Write this routine out and look at it daily - it can be your little happiness reminder. :) Your can also add your daily tasks to this routine, such as waking up and unloading the dishwasher. Routines help to create a sense of well-being in our lives. So, instead of doing things haphazardly, find a way to turn your tasks into a routine. FlyLady.com has lots of great tips for this! Also, this may sound silly, but remind yourself to smile. When we smile, our brains are actually "tricked" into thinking we're happy...and, we in turn, feel happier. :)

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[quote=Castionima]Hello Moms, My mom probably would have fit right in on this thread about hating being a mom, and you know what? I am fine! I love my mom, she loves me, and we are totally ok! I just wanted all of you moms who do not enjoy parenting to know that you are not destroying your children just because you are bored and depressed, in spite of what some of the lecturing replies on this thread tell you! Of course, you should seek help and support, but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be perfect in order for your kids to be fine. My mom was terribly depressed when we were kids, BUT WE HAD NO IDEA. She faked it, and it worked! She was a stay at home mom, she baked bread, she cleaned the house, cooked meals from scratch, and did all of the physical things that needed to be done. She just seemed busy and serious to me, but not in a bad way. She did not read to us or play with us, but it did not seem strange to me at all. She was there, she loved me, she took care of me. I felt safe and loved. I was independent, and I played quietly by myself a lot, creating little worlds with toys, and reading a lot of books. Much later, when I was an adult, she told me that back then, she thought about suicide, was very depressed, and felt trapped. This does not seem odd to me because it is absolutely how I would feel if I had kids (which I never will, for that reason). All of this is, of course, sad, but it does not change the fact that she loves me, so it does not make me feel unloved. I am almost 40 and my brother is older. She has said that she felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, and we were shocked. I couldn't see what there was to feel guilty about. She (and my dad, who also does not enjoy children but is a great dad) did everything they needed to do for us. I think back in the 60s-70s, people were not as overwrought about feeling the need to read 10 bedtime stories to kids and play games with them and do constant activities. That is more of a contemporary thing. Many of us grew up without this level of attention and we are fine! One thing I will say: My parents hardly ever fought, and they are still happily married, but on the couple of occasions that there was tension between them, that was a lot more stressful to me than being left to entertain myself! My best friend's parents were much more doting than mine, but her parents went through a horrible divorce, and she was so much worse off than I was for a long, long time. My parents were very strict disciplinarians because they did not enjoy dealing with kids being gross at the dinner table, disobeying, etc. Again, this did not seem odd to me at all, and I was very turned off by kids I knew who were allowed to walk all over their parents. My parents never hit me, but they were extremely firm and I almost never stepped out of line. My home seemed like a very calm place because I knew what was expected of me. We were also not breastfed, because my mom found the idea horrifying, and we are totally fine. We are both extremely healthy and did well in school, my brother is a competitive athlete, and I have an advanced degree. So, please, on top of the fact that you are depressed and do not enjoy parenting, do not drown in guilt. I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mom that I would be fine. I really feel for all of you and I am so glad you found a place here for support. I think all of the people who have posted here just to lecture you are missing the point. I wish my mom had had something like this when we were kids. [/quote] I could thank you every second of every day for this post for the next 100 years and it would still not express the gratitude I feel. I really feel a lot better after reading this. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!! Signed: 30 year old frustrated first time single mother of a 5 month old

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I have moments when I feel like you do, like what I am I doing being a mom, but the happy moments outway the bad. I mostly feel like maybe being a mom wasnt the right decision for me when I am the only one tending to her needs and get extremely overwhelmed because her father is so dettached from us. He works all the time and often uses work and his money as a way to excuse himself from parenting. Not fun. Best thing that I can suggest is get your "me" time and your husband time. Taking care of yourself insures that you will be a better parent to your child on a more regular basis. This is a hard lesson learned. So keep trecking :)

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I have just read most of this thread and feel wholeheartedly for all the struggling mums out there. It is so true to say that it is a taboo to say how hard it can be to cope with the constant demands of your own kids. Last year I had a very traumatic pregnancy and delivery of unplanned twins (we already have two boys and I felt the family was complete). Now as a mum of 4 I find most days a battle with myself to stay upbeat and laugh off the huge pressure I am now under. My family does not live nearby and I get no help until my hubbie returns and yes I have found it v hard to enjoy really being a mum, playing with the kids almost never happens and if i do i'm thinking what i should be getting on with. I can't help but think how much easier life could have been without them, I know things will get better but it will still be 3 years at least before I get some semblance of a life back. I don't want to resent them as I know we are lucky but every day is a real strain and the only time I feel like me is when someone takes them for an hour or two and i only have to cope with the older two.

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Originally Posted By: Cypher78
My family has essentially ostracized me for my non-maternal views, and refuses to speak to me until I "love my babies."

It's not that I don't love my children...

I just don't love being their mother



I thought this was a perfect way to phrase the frustration that many mothers feel. Great distinction Cypher78


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I just don't FEEL that maternal instinct towards human babies. I never have. I have no desire to have a baby and can't anyway. I had no siblings so I wasn't around any babies growing up and I never babysat.

Not every female wants to be a mother. Some females SHOULDN'T have babies. The only babies I feel that way towards are animals. I love them with passion. It's just THERE. I WANT to take care of them, spend time with them, play with them. I just don't FEEL that way towards human babies. My pets while growing up were my babies, friends, siblings. I spent most of my time alone.

I think the the ONLY reason a woman should have a baby is if SHE really wants one. If the desire isn't there no amount of talking, cajoleing or convincing is going to put it there. SHE is the one whose life is changed forever. SHE is the one totally responsible for every aspect of that little person's life until they are 18. It's HER life and SHE has the last say. I would never try to tell a woman she'll grow into loving being a Mum. No one can tell you this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone but this is how I feel.

It was obvious to me that my Mum didn't want me. She said she did but I don't ever remember her saying I Love You to me. We never had any close or tender moments. She was very harsh and cold towards me and shipped me off frequently with anyone who would take care of me. She provided the basics, barely, but as for loving me, didn't happen. It just wasnt there. She wanted to do other things. She travelled quite a bit, had lots of friends and was very social. I was always on the back burner. I never felt loved by her.

I know that because of this I have great difficulties with interpersonal relationships. I can never get close to anyone. I really don't trust anyone. The person who I should have been able to trust completely wasn't ever on my side. She didn't love me and I felt it. Just like when someone DOES love you, you feel it.

Now, as an adult, whenever anyone shows me kindness or Love, it makes me cry. It's just too much for me to handle.

Last edited by Navigaar; 05/28/09 12:04 PM.

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