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I like you.... I am CF and yet, I feel encouraged by this post. Good on you. We are who we are, aren't we, and isn't it great when a person reaches out and says....Help me. Thanks Castionima. My mom wanted kids... she says she wanted a dozen, only had 4 of us.... I don't ever remember her reading to me....she had me at 42. Love her, but not exactly a Mary Poppins. I often confronted her about even having me...but here I am.

Last edited by Andso?; 04/23/09 09:38 PM.
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Susannah: if you have no understanding for women who post here, maybe you should run away to the happy moms threads.

DifferentKindofGirl: you are absolutely right. If you don't want a child but had one you have to do your best to hide it. And you are right: babies and children are not that perceptive. A smile is a smile no matter what. I felt very little for my son the first months but did everything as if (except breast-feeding, which I find disgusting) My child is now 2 and he is the happiest kid in the world. If I had shown what I felt to him I do not want to know how he would be now.

Castionima: great post, and it proves DifferentKindofGirl and myself right about the "faking".

Last edited by Solalux; 04/24/09 08:07 AM.
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Solalux, Thanks for yet one more validating post about how "faking" it with kids really can work! I'm happy that it's worked so well for you. Your posts are so helpful, by the way. They are very revealing, and I know they have been helpful to so many women both in your position and those contemplating having children. I'm so glad your little boy is such a happy child, and I so admire people like you that despite it not being natural or easy to be a happy mom, you're being strong and playing that role for your child anyway. I believe true heroes are those people in life who don't have it as easy as everyone else but who persevere and do their best anyway. You're an awesome example, and I think your son is really lucky. :)

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Thank you so very much for your post. It is great to find so much understanding and support in such a delicate issue :-)

Last edited by Solalux; 04/26/09 07:36 AM.
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What a heartbreaking thread this has been for me to read, but it proves once again that it does take a village to raise a child.

My mom had a lot of children and loved us all pretty equally (OK, she liked the boys better, but dad loved the girls, so it balanced out. And then, when we became teenagers, they switched!) But without all the aunts and uncles and visiting cousins, I don't think either of them would ever have had a moment for themselves.

I do understand how a person could feel that they wished a child had never been born. I felt this, guiltily, about most of my younger brothers and sisters. They wore me to a frazzle. (Some still do, if you want to know the truth...but I love every one of them.)

I think that it's the intensity of the responsibility that is causing most of the unhappiness. Some people have colicky babies, and these even scare me. I don't know how I would have handled it if I had had a difficult child. (Probably not well, since the one I did have was incredibly easy-going, and I was still stretched to my limit raising him.)

Sometimes it is the inevitability of labor that frightens a body nearly to death. I can remember during labor a feeling that there was no escape. Never had I felt so trapped. I was tied down on a table, wired for sound, and in agony, and there was no stopping it until finally the doc decided to do a C-section. If I tried, I could conjure up that feeling even today, 18 years later. Had it persisted, I would have wanted to leave my child somewhere to escape the dread.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as these children grow, they will become less dependent and more companionable. You will be proud of their accomplishments because you worked so hard to help them achieve them.

One thing I do know, though, is that if you want to love your child, you will. Even if you don't now, if you want to, you will grow into it. Children are nature-designed to be physically appealing just so our ancestors didn't leave them behind when they changed caves. Granted, sometimes they can behave so abominably that you might want to leave them on the steps of the church, but that's where your village comes in. In a large family and community, mothers, grands, aunts, friends, etc. all help each other to raise their children. If you're doing it all yourself, you're exhausted. If you don't have the support of a family and/or friends, please try to cultivate relationships with helpful, loving people. You may still feel overwhelmed at times, even most of the time, but over time and with love, you may find that your little one will love you more than you've ever been loved in your life.

God bless all the struggling mothers.



Mary Sweeney
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Some people in marriage chose not to go through adoption because their partner does not want to give up the kids. Same thing with abortion-in-marriage. Some women have no idea how much they will struggle with motherhood until they are in it. Others have no idea how much they'll love it. Adoption is a choice, but if both parents are married, and one does not want to put the baby up, that leaves two essentially options: separation, or the mother-in-question decides to stay and try to make it work despite her personal feelings towards the whole "motherhood" bit. On here I can't say I've read any posts that have the tone of a woman being -proud!- she does not like her role of mother. This isn't one of those "i hate babies" topics; more it's "I don't enjoy motherhood, what do I do?" The majority of women here are looking for support, to find coping mechanisms that will help them fulfil their child's needs. For better or worse, the women here have chosen not to abandon their children, and I'd say the majority of them are looking for ways to make it work. Unplanned pregnancies happen, even on birth control (or -after!- a tubal ligation!). If a woman was not planning to have children -- or any more children -- and still gets pregnant despite taking precations (like tube-tying!), is it reasonable to expect two married partners to live together and not be intimate? Honestly?

Last edited by Cypher78; 04/27/09 09:33 PM.
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Originally Posted By: Cypher78

On here I can't say I've read any posts that have the tone of a woman being -proud!- she does not like her role of mother. This isn't one of those "i hate babies" topics; more it's "I don't enjoy motherhood, what do I do?"


This is a very good point. The Moms on here are suffering. The whole title of this thread is "Need Support - I hate being a Mom". Women have been brought up knowing how they are supposed to feel about motherhood, and when those feelings wind up being drastically different - for whatever reason, society either blames them, shuns them, or ignores them. There is very little help for them.

I was thinking about the "it takes a village" thing, too. People are so mobile these days. Families don't grow up right next door to their parents and grandparents anymore (well, sometimes - but not as much as in the past). Many couples live clear across the continent from any family members. And we feel like we are imposing by asking neighbors or friends to help out. Even churches are not as helpful as they should be in many cases.

The biggest thing is to make it not so tabboo for women to seek help and support. For women not to be looked at as lepers when they don't automatically feel like "Mommy" right away.


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Latest update: I have signed legal custody over to the father. I am moving out on the weekend to my aunt's. I have visitation but I'm not sure if I'm even interested. I can't fake who I am or be forced to do something I don't want to. Note to self: no more big decisions in life that hurt myself or others!

Last edited by Madness; 04/28/09 07:32 PM.
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Madness,

That took an incredible amount of courage and strength. There may be people who won't see it that way - but always know that those of us here do.


Michelle Taylor
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Madness, I think you have courage as well. Reminds me of a recent episode of Desperate Housewives in with Edie gave up her son to live with his father. She confessed to it being hard, but she couldn't see herself as a mom and knew it was the best thing for her son. I'm sure a lot of moms identified with her character at that moment. It's certainly not ideal for anyone involved, but that doesn't mean it's not what's best for everyone involved. I looked up the DH website, and they had a recap of that moment. This is how it went down. [quote]The van arrived at its destination, and Edie's friends must tell her son, Travers, that his mother is dead. Lynette tells him about Edie's accident: "I am so sorry, but she passed away." Travers insists he's fine, and that he has to get to class. "I'm sorry she's dead, but we weren't very close. My mom didn't even try to raise me," he says bitterly, and Karen grabs him by his prep school tie to tell him his mother did love him. She reveals how Edie found her drinking one day, on the anniversary of her son's death. "Nothing worse than losing a child," Karen said, telling Edie, "You're lucky you don't have any." Edie confessed that she did, but that she never saw him because he lived with his father. "I gave him up because I wanted to protect him," she insisted. "From who?" Karen asked "From me! I tried to be a good mom, I really did. But if he was going to grow up normal, he needed to get away from me," she stated, saying she just wanted to give him a chance. "I love him enough to let him hate me," she revealed. Karen poured her a drink: "I hope you're not making a big mistake." "Me too," said Edie.[/quote] Source:abc.go.com/primetime/desperate/index?pn=recap#

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