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I've just been reading some of these posts and I'm appaled at women, whom have given birth and do not love their children. You should be utterly disgusted in yourselves. It is a gift to have a baby and these children DO NOT ASK TO BE BORN! From the moment of conception, you are an adult, so deal with! You should make every effort to make that child's life precious, not make it a living hell!! "Both accidents", yes children LOVE to hear that of themselves, it does so much for their self worth.

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Susannah, If you continue reading, you will find that these women are "not" happy with the way they feel. Most of them are truly trying to be better mothers and to love their children. They have posted here looking for support - not a good bashing.

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I read where one girl had a baby because the love of her life wanted children and she was afraid she would lose him, sweetie he isn't the love of your life if you have to do something as major as having a child to keep him. Not a good reason to have kids.
How many women who have posted here will have more children out of guilt or because it is expected of them?
I have no children, because I learned at a young age,that kids are not for me. I raised my siblings and by the time I ws 20, I was ready for a break from taking care of kids. I am now 36 , married to an amazing man and we have no plans for kids, it would take away from this amazing love affair we have.

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AsphaltAnnie, I believe I know which poster you're talking about, and while that was a big factor for her, I remember there being other reasons for her as well. It's great that you found a man to support your childfree life, and I'm sure many of the women posting here also which they had been so lucky. Had you fallen for a man who wanted children, who's to say what choice you would have made. We don't have the right to judge others, as we have not truly been in their shoes.

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Originally Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl
AsphaltAnnie,
I believe I know which poster you're talking about, and while that was a big factor for her, I remember there being other reasons for her as well.

It's great that you found a man to support your childfree life, and I'm sure many of the women posting here also which they had been so lucky. Had you fallen for a man who wanted children, who's to say what choice you would have made. We don't have the right to judge others, as we have not truly been in their shoes.



I was engaged to a wonderful man, who was successful, hot, wealthy, and every woman's dream. He would no compromise on the kids situation, I broke off our marriage 2 weeks before the date.It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Glad I did it, he did eventually marry and have kids. He married a friend of mine, she is home alone all the time with kids while his personal assitant and him are on business.
I have been in her shoes, true love is about compromise and never feeling the other persons live is based on something other than you.

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AsphaltAnnie, You ROCK! Good for you for walking away. I can only imagine how tough that was for you. I've been in 2 similar situations (though it didn't get as far as engagement - I broke them off long before), with total dream guys, but like you, I followed my heart rather than what "society" would have chosen for me. I'd rather be alone than miserable with a gorgeous, wealthy man any day!!! haha It's interesting too that you got to see how the story played out.... and I'm glad you got your happy ending! This would be a great story to share on the Married CF board. Having said all this though, these women have already made their choices, so having this discussion is probably like preaching to the choir. Women are amazingly strong and resilient. It is my hope that these women here will embrace the choices they've made, come to love that they are mothers and can't imagine their lives any different. :)

Last edited by DifferentKindofGirl; 04/21/09 01:21 PM.
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I remember reading an article by a marriage counselor somewhere and it said that if one person in the marriage doesn't want a child then it's always a "no go."

The reason being that the person who wanted children and doesn't get them has the option to make other choices to fulfill themselves. They can travel, get a hobby, change jobs, do volunteer work with children, etc.

The other person in the marriage who didn't want the baby and now has one, has had all of the their options removed for travel, free time, work, etc. Their time and obligations have now been filled with something they didn't want.

It is something to think about. Adults need to speak up and be honest with each other. You're not just trying to "save a marriage." Your bringing a new human into the world. Children deserve to be brought into the world for the right reasons. Raising kids is hard enough without baggage. I know too many people who had kids to "save their marriage," and then got divorced anyway.

My advice would be to make the most of it and be the best mother you can be. I think if you start the actions your heart will follow in time. Your child deserves it. Whether this is something you wanted or not, it is a choice that you've made.

Last edited by Charity - Roses; 04/21/09 01:23 PM.

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Charity - Roses, What a wise post. The mothers here have already chosen to be mothers of course, and can't go back, but maybe your words will help other married/engaged women currently deciding whether or not to have children in order to save their marriages. I love this quote of yours, "I think if you start the actions your heart will follow in time." This is so true!! Just as research has shown that "smiling" actually tricks your brain into thinking you're happy, and you in turn feel happier! Sometimes when we "act" a certain way, our hearts really do follow. I hope all the ladies here come across your wise words. "Acting" as though they're happy and loving their children (especially around their children) might be the very best action they can take. Marilu Henner once said, regarding energy, that "faking it" can often bring about the real thing. It's not magic, but it helps, and with time, great strides can be made. :) Let's keep our fingers crossed for these ladies - I'm rooting and praying for them. :)

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DifferentKindofGirl, I have seen what these 'mothers' have done to their children making it known to them consciously or unconsciously, that they are not exactly what they wanted for their lives. I say again, "they did not ask to be born" and what SallyR mentioned "Made...Bed...Lie!!!! You mention, "if I continue reading", then I will find out how unhappy, they are. Well 'BIG SHOCK', what about the little ones, "how happy are they ?" As, I also mentioned before, You are an adult when you have children, so stop belly aching about it and GROW UP & DEAL WITH THE SITUATION!!!!!

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Susannah, I completely agree that these women should *never* purposely let their children know they are unwanted. Of course, this is impossible 100% of the time for any women I would imagine, even for those who love being a mom, as being a mother will "always" have frustrations from time to time, and children will see this and possibly misinterpret. It's just a part of life. For these moms that are unhappy though in general about being a mom, I believe they should "fake" being happy around their children and make the best of their lives. You are right, they must deal with the choices they've made. It's not all about them anymore, they now have a new, precious life to think of that deserves to be loved and cared for. However, my heart still goes out to these ladies, and I think they need compassion and encouragement - but your words ring true as well. Adults must deal with and be responsible for the choices they make - especially when those choices affect others.

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