BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Sexless Marriages

I dont know the status of the emotional quality in the marriages in question but, from personal experience, I can tell you that once you have trust issues or you no longer have a relationship other than "marriage" with required sexual obligations, the desire to have sex with your significant other completely vanishes... sometimes the resentment grows to a point where you dont want to be touched and even if you do want physical contact, you avoid it because its perceived as an invitation.

I just really wanted to say that my heart goes out to you Craig58. It could be that those issues that you mentioned from her youth could be what holds her back, especially if it is some form of abuse. Question: Do you love her? Do you know if those feelings are reciprocated? Have you looked into counseling? Whether it be couples or singular for the both of you seperately it doesnt matter. What does matter though is finding out why she has such a dissention for sexual contact (or any contact, from the sounds of it.) Does she know you feel hurt? if not it may be time to talk about that hurt with her... :(

Thanks for the advice.

Right now I have just accepted the situation as it is. I don't think there is a great deal that I alone can do to instill desire into my wife. An rare hug and kiss is the most I can hope for.

Zshar,

It is a struggle to remain loving when you are dancing by yourself.

Craig58: I truly feel for you. I didn't realize the amount of pain that could be caused in a marriage due to lack of sexual intimacy until it was too late to save mine, although ultimately my marriage is ending because my husband wants children and I do not. We will be divorced this month.

It was a sexless marriage for many of the 16 years. Part of it was my fault, part of it was my husband's. When I told him I did not want kids soon after our wedding, he lost that loving feeling for me and admitted to taking me down off the pedestal he had put me on. A couple of years later I told him to leave me if he wanted a family that I could not provide, but he chose to stay. He cheated on me with a one night stand and twice paid a prostitute for oral. That is what he admitted to anyway. That was about 10 years ago and I don't think I ever got over that breach of trust.

Even when he told me he was ok with not having a family he would not get a vasectomy (because he was lying to me and to himself). I did not trust birth control so I pushed him away in bed. After a while he stopped trying. I think the birth control issue was an excuse for me because I did not feel loved or desired enough by my husband, but really that is all I ever wanted. I felt that if he was being truthful about being content to not have a family then he would get the vasectomy so we could have a sexual relationship again without any stress. Certainly I could have handled using birth control on my own, but I wanted proof of his love for me if he would just make the effort. It never happened. Now and then we pleasured each other without intercourse, but it is just not the same thing.

Bottom line, I realized just last year how damaging the lack of sexual intimacy was to our marriage. It hurt the both of us badly. No amount of counseling could save our marriage which was really over years ago, even though we maintained a close friendship. I vowed to myself that if I was lucky enough in the future to have another special guy in my life, I would not deny him sex.

I now do have another special guy in my life, which is very unexpected because I was not looking for a new relationship this soon. We have a very healthy sex life, and I had no problem going out and getting birth control for myself because he is so loving that I wanted to have an intimate relationship with this man without worries of pregnancy. He has also said that if we last long term he will consider getting a vasectomy so I can get off the pill. He has one child from a previous marriage and does not want any more children.

The closeness from our joining really has bonded us, and I can truly understand the need for this intimacy in a relationship, especially in a marriage, so much more now. It was a hard lesson learned for me, and quite a painful one.

Cassie, I am glad you have someone new in your life. It is so important for every person to feel they can love and be loved.

As for myself I have never cheated or been intimate with anyone else since I met my wife almost 25 years ago. The only other person I have been intimate with was from a relationship that ended before I met my wife. Now, I am dancing solo wondering what life will bring.

Craig: Have you discussed this rejection and sadness you feel with your wife?

I can see that you love and respect her, and hopefully she feels the same. But this really is a problem that you can't ignore. Does she see your side at all? I assume she was more intimate with you in the earlier years of your relationship. If you can pinpoint what changed for her that would be a good place to start, but you may need help doing this.

As far as the marriage counseling goes, it may truly help in your situation, and many counselors are willing to work with you so that you pay what you can afford if you do not have insurance to cover this. A referral from a primary physician can get you counseling that is covered by insurance if you have it, and physicians often know of great counselors in the area who will work with you in regards to payments.

I can tell that you are a very honorable man, but life is truly too short and you deserve to love and be loved, just like you told me. Your happiness and inner peace is very important. I hope you can find some way to common ground with your wife again so you can begin healing your intimate relationship. If she really loves you I would hope that with your support and love she'd be willing to at least try to take down the walls that separate you, just so you both can have some measure of intimate time instead of none at all.

My wife understands intellectually my needs and desires. However, she can not bring herself to do much about it. She doesn't like to be touched. She tried to give of herself to me for Christmas, but was emotionally unable to. So, she gave me nothing for Christmas. The physical aspect of love holds no interest to her anymore, it hasn't for several years.

I used to not want my husband to touch me either, even when I wasn't thinking about avoiding pregnancy. I was tired, over-stressed, and not feeling very sexy. I think there are things your wife could do to remedy this situation (counseling, hormone therapy, etc.), and I think the closeness you would have as a result would enrich her life as well as yours.

I am very sorry to say this because I am very sensitive to your situation, but I hope you push for resolution here. Maybe if she is given a wake up call that you can't go on like this anymore perhaps she will try for the sake of your marriage. I lived like this for many years, but now that I realize the alternative I don't know how anyone can go on so long without intimacy in their life when they have a partner they love. It is a painful and lonely existence.

I wish you luck and I hope you stay strong and stand up for yourself. You deserve happiness and so does your wife.