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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year, and live together. He has 3 children (all boys: 11,10, and 5), 2 of them which he has full time. Since about June, I have been watching the kids, with the help of grandpa, everyday while Dad is at work. So, I pretty much have the kids 80-90% of my life now. I love them to death, and all was going great until about a month ago... The 5 year old has gone into his not listening and fit phase. I've been told this is a phase, but he seems to listen to me less than everyone else. Which I understand, he hasn't known me for all that long, and he is not used to a female figure being around. I know that he is still testing me, but it's still frustrating. And I don't mean to, but I take it personally sometimes. He seems to get mad at me a lot for nothing, and treats me like an evil person sometimes. I'm trying the best that I can, but I really don't have anyone to talk to that can relate. My bf just doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through, and I'm afraid that I aggravate him when I get upset. I'm happy, but at the same time I am so overwhelmed that I can't be fully happy. We're going to move into our own place soon, which means it'll just be me and the kids most of the times, and I can honestly say that I'm scared. I'm new to the parenting thing, and I really don't know what to do a lot of the time. Can anyone give me some advice? I'm so glad to finally get this out, it's been killing me for some time!

Last edited by Chrissy0385; 03/02/09 07:15 PM.
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Wow! What a challenge! But focus on the good things. It will be easier for you to step in with boys rather than girls. You have them full-time so there is no one else to undo what you're trying to do in raising them!

Before you try to "put your foot down" be sure you have their respect and appreciation through a positive relationship first. Here are some ideas:

1. Make time with you positive. Be supportive. Listen to what they have to say. Joke around and share laughter. Take them for fun times when possible. Be involved in their lives.

2. Be consistent and even tempered. Do NOT yell or get mad easily. You don't have to yell in order to get what you need from them. Make it clear: Be nice and we all spend fun time together OR go to your room to be alone. Make everything a teaching/learning experience.

3. If he gets mad at you, don't get mad in return. Just say, "If you're mad at me, you can go to your room to cool off until you decide to come out again." Repeat as necessary. And say, "OK, if you don't listen to me, I'll have to tell your dad (in an omimous voice)" or "I really wish you'd listen to me because I want you to be able to have fun with us. But if you don't listen, you'll have to go to time out in your room. And we WANT you to have fun with us!!!"

4. Keep your directives and rules to a minimum. No one likes to be bossed around. Our "rules" were simple: No hurting and everyone helps because we're a team.

All the kids are at an age when they can understand why they must do what you tell them. "Brush your teeth or you'll have cavities and need to get shots at the dentist."

I also took the time to explain that they must trust me. There will be times when I can't say, "Please get out of the street because a car is coming and you could be smashed and end up in the hospital with crushed legs....blah, blah." They must trust me when I shout, "MOVE NOW!"

I also made it clear that I LOVE THEM and only tell them what to do when it is for their own good. NOT because I feel like bossing them around. Let them know that you love them and it is your job to protect them and be sure they grow up to be good adults.

Explain things to your kids all the time. Treat them with respect and let them have choices (you choose their options) to show them you do respect their wants and their ideas. Don't use the "Because I'm the mom and I said so" line. Always have a good reason for laying down a law and be willing to explain it.

5. Give them rewards for being a team. Explain how doing chores is doing something good for the family. Say "thank you" a lot and praise them for doing good things (helping each other, being kind, getting up for school without being nagged, etc.) Rewards don't have to be huge or costly. You can make a game out of chores or use a simple chart. We had a 15-minute blitz where I'd set a time for 15 minutes and we'd go around like maniacs (one person picked up laundry, another picked up any dishes, another trash, etc.) Then, we had a nice reward: a picnic, movies out, ice cream outing or a movie night in.

6. Play with them. That is the biggest thing parents forget. Play with them. That is bonding time. And if they bond with you, they'll love and trust you forever.

Hope this helps! I wish you well! smile

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Thank you, that's really helpful. Lately, we've been stting time each day to color, which he LOVES to do, just doesn't have anyone to color with. And when he goes to time out, I have learned to have him calm down and explain why he's in his room. And then tell him that we will talk at the end of time out. I just think the biggest hurdle is remembering that kids like to be up and around, and have more fun when they have someone involved. Thank you so much!!

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You are doing all the right things. The important thing is to not loose focus and to remember that the goal is to raise the children in a happy and healthy environment. Kids love to test out what they can get away with but in the end it's you who has control and can guide the children to respect you and love you as you do them. Finding creative ways to entertain them is an excellent idea. Make silly names for special days which give the kids somethign to look forward to ( ie ice cream Tuesday). Trust me it will all work out.

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You are doing a fine job, Chrissy. And you have auch a wonderful attitude. Those boys are lucky to have you in their lives.

As the only female in the household, you need to express your love for them in very demonstrative ways! Men don't show their love openly but children need this. They learn about love and conflict, how to express feelings (and that they CAN have feelings) from YOU.

You will be the key to those boys experiencing and expressing love, good manners (civility and politeness).

You have a tremendous role. Just think: you're raising four little men who will contribute to the world. Raise them well!

Most of all, love them. They need a loving mother above all else. One who will love them unconditionally. smile

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I am curious about what you said about irritating your boyfriend. You're raising his child, how could questions irritate him? Can you expand on this?



Stephanie Watson
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Well, I had kind of a breakdown last Thursday, the little one wasn't listening, and was taunting me. I'm just not used to this, as I'm pretty new. He was saying hurtful things, and it just got to me. So after he went to bed, I started crying, and saying he won't listen to me, and it was my fault. My boyfriend got irritated at me about it, which I can understand. But he just doesn't understand that I have no kids of my own, I'm not used to this, and won't fully understand what I'm going through. He told me if I want out, to go now. Which is NOT what I want. So the next day I explained to him that I am going to get overwhelmed at times. I mean, before I started dating him, it was just me. I have had little exposure to kids this age. I feel helpless at times, because I just don't know what to do. And I know I shouldn't, but at times I do take it personally, I'm a sensitive person. His attitude does a 180 at the turn of a dime, and it sometimes gets out of control. My boyfriend says it's just a phase, which I believe, but I'm the one who has to deal with it. Which is fine, but it's a lot of strain on me. It's just hard because he's not in my shoes, and he won't fully understand. Thank you all for all your input, this is the first place that I have been able to talk about my struggles, and it REALLY helps me out. Thank you so much!!

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Vent away here. We understand. Try not to vent to your boyfriend. He won't understand as much as we do.

Meanwhile, give yourself a break. Even experienced moms get frustrated and want to scream and run away!!! You're new at this and you didn't have the benefit of bonding with them at birth.

Of course, you'll feel frazzled. Mothering IS exhausting even when everything is perfect!!!

Just remember to take time out for yourself! You're like a pitcher with a bunch of little cups around you to fill and you need to refill yourself with energy, peace and well-being if you are to fill them up, too. An empty pitcher has nothing to give.

You are doing a GREAT job. Don't take this child's "testing" behavior personally. He might be testing you to be sure you'll still love him and stick around. Just give lots of love and fun and be consistent with the consequences. smile

Then, have a cup of tea and relax. And do something you love to do just for yourself.

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WOW, you have a great attitude about all of this. It's nice to hear. Does your Boyfriend do the disciplining? It sounds like you have to take care of everything with the kids. What kind of backup does your Boyfriend give you? My SD used to push and test me until I finally got my Husband to see the way she acted himself. He then made sure to demand that my SD stopped testing me. I didn't feel comfortable punishing her just yet and he had to back me up. You really sound like you are doing a great job even if you are new to this. Everyone has to start somewhere. Just think of how easy it will be with your own knowing you'll have had all of this experience! It's ok to cry and it's ok to get frustrated about parenting, we all do from time to time. Your Boyfriend doesn't seem supportive about your position. Maybe if you sat him down and told him "if you want me to be the best Mother I can to these kids you need to stand with me and guide me a little". I thought it sounded wrong of him to say if you want out, go now. My gosh I think you deserve a pat on the back and a break! He should appreciate you for all your efforts! You seem to be a great catch and he should praise you for being so great with his kids, even if you do break down now and then! Best of luck to you, and you are doing great!


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