BellaOnline Forums Family Work & Family ADVICE NEEDED ABOUT WIFE WORKING.

Hello Everyone! My wife and have been together for 21 years and married for 19 years. She worked as an office manager for a small company until we had our first child 17 years ago when she quit working to be a full-time mother. She was thrilled to have this opportunity since most of our friends were forced to be "two income" families for financial reasons. Fortunately we have been very blessed in that my career has allowed me to support my wife and family beyond any expectations that we had at the time she quit working. 3 years ago my wife became severely depressed, and our relationship went downhill fast. I didn't accept her depression as "real", and she didn't seek professional help. We went to a marriage counselor for a year, but eventually the counselor told us that there was no hope for us until my wife got help for her depression, and asked us not to come back. We stayed together, but things were horrible for both of us. About 18 months ago she and I got into a big fight because she decided that she wanted to buy some horses. She claimed would help her be happier, and also help her relationship with our daughter, which was very strained at the time. I said "NO". A few weeks later she announced that she had taken a part time job at a local bank, and that she was going to use "her" money to buy the horses and there was nothing that I could do about it. With her working, things got even worse because she was no longer taking care of the house at all and our kids had to quit activities that took place after school, etc. About 6 months my wife told me that she couldn't go on any longer in our existing state, and told me to leave (which I did). We remained in contact daily, and both began working very hard on our issues. she went to a doctor who got her on the path out of depression. We began counseling again, and it has been working wonderfully. At Christmas we decided to work towards get back together. Things have been going great, but we are currently hung up on the issue of her working. I told her that I would like for her to quit her job, and that I would gladly pay for the upkeep of the horses if it meant that our family could heal better and faster. I also have a job that allows me to travel all over the world, and she and our kids can travel for free with me. Her job has ZERO flexibility regarding her schedule, so it has and will prevent us from being able to take advantage of this wonderful benefit. She also has to work evenings and weekends, which leaves a huge hole in our family life. And lastly, our accountant has told us that her working actually costs us about $5,000.00 a year due to our tax situation. Initially she said that she would be happy to quit working, but she kept putting off her resignation. Last night she told me that she gets a lot of satisfaction from the job, and doesn't want to quit it. I suggested that she replace it with volunteer work which would allow her the flexibility that we need, but she said that she is afraid that it wouldn't give her the same satisfaction. I feel VERY strongly about her quitting her job, and honestly feel that if she doesn't the chances of us successfully reuniting are slim. Between the issues with the kids and my desire to do things with her on weekends and evening in addition to the travel, I just think that resentment will come back between all of us and will kill the relationship for good. All of our friends, family, and even our counselor are telling her that she should be thrilled to be able to quit and take care of her family and home. Money is NOT an issue. She only makes enough to pay for the care and feeding of her horses, and if God forbid we do split up for good, she will be financially "set" for life through the divorce settlement, since we own a decent sized, successful business. I don't ever want to minimize her feelings or tell her that her needs are not valid, and have told her that I am not going to ever demand that she quit, but have also been honest with her regarding my feelings about the negative impact that her working. Can anyone give me any advice or help? I'm hoping that someone out there has faced the same type of problem and can point us to some books or websites, or can tell me what they did to work through their situation. I'm sorry for the insanely long message, but putting our relationship back together is by FAR the most important thing in my life right now, and I'm DESPERATE to find a workable solution to this impass. Thanks in advance for ANY help!

My 2nd ex husband's mom never worked, his dad paid all the bills. When his dad passed away, my mom-in-law was totally unable to function because she had never worked.

My 2nd ex husband wanted me to quit work too and stay home with the kids, because that's what his mom did. I have a college degree, I've worked hard. I think if I were to stay at home, I would end up resenting him for not allowing me to pursue my interests and grow. Even if the job was just enough to cover daycare or something small, it's more about personal fulfillment instead of the money. You mentioned volunteering, to me that's no difference then her having a job.
I don't want you to think that I'm totally against you here because, I think that family time is super important, but her mind and spirit needs some "her" time, not taking care of the family. And she needs to balance the two.
Now you may say, what does this divorced woman know?
It's the thoughts of a woman whose been there.
Best of luck to you!

Hi, This is peter simon. I am newly join this is site. its very useful to others.i completed my graduation and i start a new business but i have some problems because i started new so i can not any experience so how to improve my business with less expenditure and which business is good for in this situation.Most of the people suffer for their job so do not disappointed start a new business first is we face many up and downs so every one be strong and start a new life.now a days working in a husband and wife is a important. ============================= anika [url=http://jobs.bizoppjunction.com]New Jobs[/url]

Hi, This is peter simon. I am newly join this is site. its very useful to others.i completed my graduation and i start a new business but i have some problems because i started new so i can not any experience so how to improve my business with less expenditure and which business is good for in this situation.Most of the people suffer for their job so do not disappointed start a new business first is we face many up and downs so every one be strong and start a new life.now a days working in a husband and wife is a important. ============================= anika [url=http://jobs.bizoppjunction.com]New Jobs[/url]

Has she ever considered working from home?

Hello there. I read your situation and I can try to help you understand your wife's need to work.

Working provides many important things for her. For one thing, it provides a paycheck that she earns herself which gives her some freedom, independence and autonomy. Your post shows that you tend to have the "final" say ("I told her NO!") She's not a child.

I need to explain something important, too. When she was younger, she might have felt perfectly fine as she accommodated your needs and the needs of your children. But now that she is older, she no longer has the flood of estrogen that helps her brain become more nurturing and pleasing for others. Now is the time for her own actualization. If you force the issue, she will rebel.

How nice that you're offering her all the perks of financial security and travel. But working still gives her a sense of independence from you. It's her money and she doesn't need your approval to spend it. She may also enjoy the respect from her co-workers. It's different from her relationship with you.

Here is how you can help:

1. Let her work. If you don't make it a problem, sooner or later she'll come around to see that her schedule gets in the way of enjoying travel time with you. But let it be her decision. It won't last for long if you don't press the issue.
2. If you have the financial resources, hire a housekeeper or house cleaner to take care of the things she doesn't have time for.
3. Be pleasant to be around. Make her want to spend time with you!
4. Provide plenty of social connections so she doesn't need them from the office workers.

Do you treat her differently when she stays home full-time? Do you expect her to be the housekeeper? Cleaning sure isn't very fulfilling.

My husband loves to keep me at home. I was barefoot and pregnant from the start. I went back to work several times with fantastic career opportunities but he made it difficult so I ended up quitting. I don't blame him, but I did miss the independence and my own paychecks. It's a great world out there and I wanted to be a part of it. He kept me in a nice comfortable cage. He still does prefer that he is my main focus but I'm working out of the house currently and it's enough for now.

You must not stifle her! Be patient. I can't think of a single working woman who wouldn't give up her job to travel with her husband!!! Your wife will come around when it is HER choice to leave.

Until then, if you want to travel and she can't or refuses, find a relative or a buddy. That should make her think twice about being left out of the fun.