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Says he's not ready for a serious relationship #465914
11/05/08 02:17 PM
11/05/08 02:17 PM
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charm1234 Offline OP
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A little less than 4 months ago I started dating this guy, we're both in our late 20s. I knew from a mutual friend that he had recently gotten out of a serious relationship (of about a year), but they hadn't lived in the same city for about 4 months. Knowing all of this when we started dating, I made the decision to not bring up his ex, ask him questions and I also did not want to bring up mine, and the baggage I carried. I wanted to approach our dating a different way than I usually do, not to talk about emotions, expectations, etc too soon.

We took things slow, he treated me great, things were going well. We were having a lot of fun. Or so I thought. He invited me to a wedding in which I would meet his parents. Three weeks before the wedding he took me out to a nice dinner, afterwards we walked to the subway while holding hands. Then as we parted ways he says "I like you a lot, I have so much fun with you, but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship". So without hesitating I say "ok so this is breakup?". He wanted to take a break and I said no, immediately what went into my head was that he was just trying to break it to me gently. And if I were to give him that break, more than likely it wouldn't help all that much. He still wanted to hang out and asked if I would go to the wedding with him, but I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I just wanted to rip the bandaid off.

My question is, was he just letting me down gently? Or could he have been telling the truth that he wasn't ready? I'm certainly not going to wait around for him, but just wonder if I should throw the idea of maybe us getting back together down the road.

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: charm1234] #465919
11/05/08 02:59 PM
11/05/08 02:59 PM
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dmichelle Offline
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What really matters is how you feel. You can drive yourself crazy analyzing what he's thinking so don't do that. When you meet the right guy, you'll just know it. Everyone loves to say that, but it is really true. There will be no work involved, no games being played, it will just happen, and you won't believe how naturally and simply it evolves. If he's the one, he won't be able to stay away from you, and he'll keep in touch and take you to the wedding.

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: dmichelle] #465923
11/05/08 03:07 PM
11/05/08 03:07 PM
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charm1234 Offline OP
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Well, the wedding's next weekend and we broke up nearly 3 weeks ago, so I'm pretty much guessing it's not going to happen. I think I just need to face the fact and move on, as hard as it is.

The funny thing is, I thought it all was working well, we weren't playing any games. It was so refreshing. I guess I just missed the signs.

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: charm1234] #465927
11/05/08 03:42 PM
11/05/08 03:42 PM
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dmichelle Offline
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Men are very confusing! Breaking up hurts because it makes you feel rejected, and that hurts. Have you ever had a guy friend that you have a blast with, you feel totally comfortable with but something is missing? I hate to say it, but that saying "it's not you it's me" is TRUE! It's him! Don't ever forget: YOU ARE FABULOUS!

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: dmichelle] #465941
11/05/08 04:46 PM
11/05/08 04:46 PM
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Vance - Crime Editor Offline
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Originally Posted By: dmichelle
Men are very confusing! Breaking up hurts because it makes you feel rejected, and that hurts. Have you ever had a guy friend that you have a blast with, you feel totally comfortable with but something is missing? I hate to say it, but that saying "it's not you it's me" is TRUE! It's him! Don't ever forget: YOU ARE FABULOUS!


Whoa Easy there. lol. While I agree with you that men are confusing at times, it is only fair that you admit that women are just as confusing as well.

In answer to the original post, I believe that he was just trying to break it off gently. It is unfortunate for you and now it will be hard to give your heart freely to the next guy who comes your way. It sucks, I know. It happened to me one time when my gf left me for another guy right out of the blue one day. It was a shock and it hurt deeply. I went six weeks without eating and dropped thirty pounds then. That was the only good that came out of it. lol.


Vance Rowe
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Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: Vance - Crime Editor] #465943
11/05/08 04:58 PM
11/05/08 04:58 PM
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charm1234 Offline OP
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I admit, we are confusing, too. I'm not going to deny that. I agree, I think he was just trying to break it off gently. It hurts, but I'm just going to have to deal with it.

I'm not going to wait around, but I (silly me) isn't going to close the door completely. I'm not going to contact him, in fact already deleted his number, but I suppose this is the easiest way for me to deal with it at the moment.

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: Vance - Crime Editor] #465944
11/05/08 05:02 PM
11/05/08 05:02 PM
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dmichelle Offline
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Originally Posted By: Vance Wrestling and Crime

Whoa Easy there. lol. While I agree with you that men are confusing at times, it is only fair that you admit that women are just as confusing as well.


Okay... wink Fair is Fair. Woman are confusing..but not to each other...just to men. lol

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: dmichelle] #465949
11/05/08 05:20 PM
11/05/08 05:20 PM
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charm1234 Offline OP
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So, I've got a question for the men. In getting together with this guy, knowing he came out of a relationship I decided not to get into a discussion about it or even ask about it, was that a bad idea not to? I suppose I was sick of talking about mine and what went wrong. One of the things he said when he initially asked for a break was "we didn't communicate". But my gut told me he wasn't ready to talk about it all. I was definitely taking things a lot slower than I normally would with the communication. I normally lay it all out there, don't hold anything back, but I liked this guy and thought I'd try a different route (as the other route didn't seem to work).

Maybe there's not a simple answer, maybe everyone is just different. Maybe either way, it wouldn't have worked out and that was just an excuse!?

Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: charm1234] #466452
11/07/08 04:27 PM
11/07/08 04:27 PM
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It has been my experience that when I was first talking to women when coming out of a relationship that is okay to talk about what went wrong in a previous relationship. In fact, they have asked me first about what went wrong.

In fact a couple have asked, "Do you mind telling me why you are no longer married or no longer in a relationship?"

I tell them "No, go ahead and ask." lol. When they ask the question again, I tell them what I think went wrong and what we could have possibly changed but didn't.

I think it is an important question to ask someone, so you know what you are getting into. It should be one of the first questions asked, but as a guy, I would never ask the woman first because I dont know if it was something horrible or something that she doesn't want to relive right now.

As far as communication goes, that was one of my ex-wife's pet peeves. If I answered a question with a simple yes or no, it wasn't good enough as an answer. I was supposed to elaborate on just about everything but I didnt feel elaboration was necessary in most cases.

I cannot believ that he says you didnt communicate because you didnt ask him about his previous relationship. It had to be something more than that. However, like you said, "It may different for different people" and what their idea of communication was.


Vance Rowe
Crime Editor
Re: Says he's not ready for a serious relationship [Re: charm1234] #469322
11/18/08 12:09 PM
11/18/08 12:09 PM
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I'm not sure because men are a little strange on these things, I have been there, and in my experience, it normally means that they don't want a relationship with you, but that is just my experience.

You can't do something if you aren't comfortable with it, it sounds like a complete mismatch of needs. I would love to say that you should go on the break, hang out and see if he comes to you, but I won't. Because he may not do any of that. He may move on, find someone else, then where would you be? If anything, I would keep in contact loosely with him, don't rule him out as yet, but date around. Don't hold out hope for him.

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