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#426996 06/15/08 08:46 PM
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In the "How long have you been together?" thread, Lisa mentioned that both genders seemed to think people (men especially) are expected to change after marriage. The implication is that a man is expected to change behavior. Am I reading this right?

Is it a common perception that men will change after saying "I do"s? Are women supposed to get more demanding? Is this just one of those "everybody knows" urban myths?

I never expected my husband to change after we got married. It was just a ceremony and piece of paper. What mattered was that we said our vows to each other. I knew there were certain things he did that were different from the way I do them. Conversely, I know some of my habits probably drove him up the wall and still do.

So what do you think? Is this something you see around you? Did your expectations change once you made a committment?

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My hubby and I lived together for a while before getting married, and neither of us could imagine anything being different just because of a piece of paper. And there was no difference - we actually still think fondly of the moment that we both decided we wanted to be together forever as our real moment of marriage. The ceremonies that came later simply celebrated that awareness; we married each other in our hearts long before signing the paper.


Elle Carter Neal
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My expectations were no different than when we dated. My husband's weren't either. Saying our vows was our way of celebrating our commitment.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

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I met my dh in 85 when I was just 14, he was 15. Obviously we didn't marry then, but were part of each others lives for years before we did marry. Been married 16 years on top of all of our 'before"

It's not about expecting your spouse to change just because of a ceremony. It's about learning to live with, around, and benefit from another's company on a consistent basis. Whether he leaves the toilet seat up, is a selfish [censored] that spends more time with his buddies, or sleeps too much or eats prunes...whatever. smile
People grow and mature at different rates and in marriage two people have to do that simultaneously, whilst working and raising a family. I have no experience with same sex relationships so I can't speak as to that aspect. I just know that despite all the hard work that goes into a relationship it truly is a blessing to have someone there for the long haul. Gettin the milk without buying the cow isn't the same thing-and yes I did have a relationship that wanted to head that way. It only benefit the other person, not me-so I let it go.


Orthodox homeschooling mom to 7, one with Rett Syndrome
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I'm glad to hear all of this. I'm getting married this August. We've been together for 4 years and living together for over 3 1/2 years. I'm sick of hearing from married couples how our lives are about to change. As if as soon as the ceremony is over we'll transform into completely different people.

When I asked them what it is that's about to be so different, they give this holier-than-thou answer of "oh, you'll see...".

By now we've seen eachother at our bests and our worst. I love that he's considerate, gentle, supportive, easy-going, etc...But I also love that he's indecisive, forgetful, passionate about singing off-key, and occasionally farts on my foot! I love it! That's who he is and that's who I'm going to marry!

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Koala
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Those "oh you'll see" comments reflect the experiences of those people only - it certainly does not mean that you will have the same experience. Every marriage is different. But they feel they have to tell you what went wrong for them. Just let those comments go as something that happened to that person, and then continue make your own experience together.


Elle Carter Neal
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As Calligrapher said, it's learning to live with each other as you yourself go thru changes.
I have a theory that we also tend to run with preconceptions of what we should do (when we don't think about it) and so we often begin to act like our role models (unconciously)
How we react to problems and difficulties will depend on each of us' character leanings as well so... bottom line is every marriage is different but we are all needing similar things. (hence the stats)

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Well I'm approaching my 25th wedding anniversary in September and I will have been married more years on this planet than not. I love my husband dearly and can't imagine life without him. When I hear about people getting married, I only hope that they can have a long happy marriage. I never say, "oh your life will never be the same" and all that [censored]. I married my best friend and have no regrets and have never felt any losses whatsoever. So I'm wishing you great beginnings and a long prosperous marriage with your husband!

P.S. As for changes after marriage...if you start with a strong love you grow and change together and your marriage grows and becomes stronger all the time. That way you never grow apart.

Last edited by DebCreativeEditor; 06/19/08 08:57 PM.
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Deb that is wonderful!!!

It is so good to hear stories of strong relationships these days. All you ever seem to hear in the news are the bad statistics.

I think everyone changes after marriage, not because of marriage, but just because we all are constantly changing, learning, growing.

And hopefully like Deb said, the marriage is strong and open enough to grow with those changes.

This is my second marriage. We have been married for about 7 1/2 years now. I can't imagine life without my husband. He is my friend, my support, my cheerleader. He has been with me through some very tough times.

But he came into our marriage knowing things would not be easy going - we already knew my oldest son had behavioral problems (it judst hadn't been dx as autism.) And it was during our dating that he was officially dx as Asperger's. So there was time for him to back out if he wanted to.

But he didn't, and he is an incredible role model for all of our children.


Michelle Taylor
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Quite frankly, I think too many people listen to what "they," (whoever "they" are!), have to say about marriage. If someone has a bad experience, that is theirs and does not mean your life will be the same after your own marriage.

I enjoy my husband's company so much that if he weren't my husband I would seek him out as a friend. But he is my husband, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and we have a deep and wonderful love.There are no significant changes after marriage as far as I have experienced. It only got better.


Life is not roses and sweetness all the time, neither is marriage; if that is what someone thinks marriage is then they should not get married at all!

BTW, I am sick of the dumb stereotypes pertaining to men and women in so-called entertainment venues.Husbands are not slobs, or dumb couch potatoes the way "comedy" would have us believe and wives are not nagging idiots who spend every cent a couple has. Pul-eeze!


Isn't marriage about love, commitment, and having fun together?
Mine is.


Last edited by kristen houghton; 06/20/08 05:44 PM.

"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

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