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Thanks Nicola!

It has been over 2 years since I posted the first message. This is like a blog for myself. I can still see the "me" 2 years ago, the desperate and sad woman, who just wanted to give the child away to escape from the burden.

Ever since my daugther started talking and can communicate with me, I changed immediately. Because I can be the mom I wanted to be before I have a child. I wanted to express my feelings to her, I want to hear she said "I love you." all of those are the joy of being a mom. So time can really change everything.

I will continue to post, if possible, just so you can see how a "scared" mom will survive and grow with her child.

Last edited by Jennyt; 04/08/08 11:32 AM.
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Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Ever since my daugther started talking and can communicate with me, I changed immediately. Because I can be the mom I wanted to be before I have a child. I wanted to express my feelings to her, I want to hear she said "I love you." all of those are the joy of being a mom. So time can really change everything.


Hi Jenny,
So glad to know that you are doing better now! Just in case you happen to have another child, or for anyone struggling with their infant, many parents are now using sign language with their babies. My brother and his wife used it with their three children, and I have never seen such happy babies! They get to communicate without throwing screaming fits, and the parents get to know what the baby is thinking and feeling. So much frustration is eliminated by giving your baby a means to communicate before they are able to speak!

Good luck and keep us informed!
Shay

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Oh, yeah - there is also a DVD that you can buy called "Dunston Baby Language" that teaches parents what different sounding cries mean, so that you can attend to your infant as you understand their "language."

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Originally Posted By: Jennyt
About lost identity, I do not see that as a big issue in my social life. I do not talk about baby all the time. I talked about traveling, food, investment, everything I am interested in.


Oh, yes, I also spoke about everything I was interested in before I had a child ~ but the other people I spoke to while holding my baby, before they had a child, did not recognize me as a person who had other interests. They would make a big effort for a minute or two, and then stop talking to me. I think this is something that happened to people of color in groups that had never met a person of color before ~ being somewhat isolated due to others recognizing us as Way Too Different.

When my second baby was born with Down syndrome, I found the same thing happened in groups of mothers who had never known a baby with DS or his mother before - some did not know how to communicate with a mom whose baby was out of their comfort zone. It could have been devastatingly isolating except that a few moms who I met with my first child hung in there until they saw my son as a baby first instead of the diagnosis. It was such a relief to be able to complain to them about simple new baby stuff like sleepless nights and runny noses, the difficulty finding cute boy baby clothes, and how my daughter was adjusting to sharing the spotlight. It was also fun to share stories about first smiles, darling toes, and waking baby hairstyles. At our early intervention center, it seemed all we talked about was the diagnosis and the next developmental milestone to set as a goal.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt

It has been over 2 years since I posted the first message. This is like a blog for myself. I can still see the "me" 2 years ago, the desperate and sad woman, who just wanted to give the child away to escape from the burden.


I was fortunate that I met women who felt that same way, when my daughter was born, so I knew when meeting moms whose newborns were diagnosed with Down syndrome might feel that way even without the diagnosis.

I wrote an article, "Thoughts from the Middle of the Night" that described my feelings when my son was a baby, written when he was in kindergarten, and through that met many people who shared their feelings with me about their children with Down syndrome as well as their mainstream sons and daughters as babies. It is such an honor to be told other people's stories.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
I think it is really important that mother and daughter needs to be "compatible" in order for the mother to enjoy this process. I truly feel I am lucky that my daughter has grown to be such a fun little girl, who I can already tell she has the personality of understanding, loving and not being stuborn. All of these are the traits that I appreciate and pray for. and She has it all. So I can't help to love her more and more everyday.


I have felt that way with both my daughter and son, so fortunate that we are compatible *and* that they are such wonderful human beings, the best parts of me in them and everything else you would want in a daughter or son.

Except that when we have had conflicts, it is sometimes due to the parts of us that are just alike - sometimes I see things in them I would like to change in myself, or I don't see that we are in conflict because we are attacking an issue the very same way. For easy going people, it sure is hard for any of us to back down.

When I called my folks to get sympathy when she was a teenager, my dad said, "Maybe in 30 years she will call to apologize." My reaction was "THIRTY YEARS?!?" and then, I remembered disagreeing with my parents at that age, and almost said, "But I was entirely justified, you were unreasonable and..." ~ but of course that was what was putting me at my wit's end with my daughter.

So I just said, "Oh. Sorry, if I caused you this pain and suffering." My mom and dad were laughing uncontrollably; my dad said, "If?" and laughed harder. Fortunately I had just read an article that said teenagers' brains are bathed in chemicals and hormones that make them unable to function like an adult brain, so we just have to wait it out.

And in thirty years, who knows? Maybe she will have a daughter and call me about their conflicts. Although I'm sure her first reaction will be, "But I was entirely justified - you were unreasonable."

When my daughter was about 8 years old, she came home from school and explained that we did not have to argue any more, she had learned the difference between 'fact' and 'opinion' and realized that what I said was only my opinion, not a fact I would force her to believe. Our relationship had a beautiful, easy year after that, even though many things she felt were my opinions were actually facts.

I have often thought that confrontations between my daughter and me, or my son and me, are more ... not enjoyable, not satisfying, but somehow more worthwhile ... than getting along with any other individual. Not that I enjoy disagreements, but my children are worth the effort I put in to disagreeing with them, and I learn more about who they are and how they think while we are exchanging disagreeable opinions. Plus the 98% of the time we are in harmony is such a pleasure that I can't describe it.

I have enjoyed reading your journey from that first post to these recent ones, and I am glad you posted them here at the Bellaonline Moms forum where other mothers can find them.

Also because you might not have remembered so clearly the feelings you had when your daughter was a baby, it's good that we can all be reminded by others who are just finding that first message and can reveal those feelings to us.

I wish I were better at expressing myself in fewer words, but talking with friends I met in Mommy and Me classes and moms I've met online has not only comforted me in troubled times, but lifted me far above my own expectations of myself as a mother and as a human being.

Having my first child was a real eye opener. I had always done well in school, and loved UC Berkeley because the academic life was so engaging, so challenging. I was successful in every job I had and several times was promoted before my probationary period was completed.

I thought being a mom would be something else I was good at from the start, and that I would be able to prepare in advance and learn quickly so I could be pretty nearly perfect at it. So far, I learned to be very happy on days I felt barely adequate, and I was so glad we got to start over fresh every morning. Those early months and years teach us more about ourselves than we learn about our children.

I know it is even more difficult for moms with postpartum depression, more than I can imagine. So many women suffer and can't believe that help is available, or even that they deserve help, and that they can come out on the other side, being the moms they hoped they would be. Not perfect, but wonderful.

It's good of you to share your journey with us. You are a gem.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Thoughts from the Middle of the Night
BellaOnline ALERT: For anti-spam reasons, we restrict the number of URLs allowed in a given post. You have exceeded our maximum number of URLs.

Last edited by SNC_Editor_Pam; 04/08/08 05:14 PM.

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Hi Jennyt,I just want to suggest to read a book from Eckhart Tolle"A New Earth" it had change my life.You can also visit Oprah web-side they have a web forum online about this book with the author. the best for you and you family.

Yaremis.

I have 2 kids, my boy is 21 month, and the girl is 71/2 years old.

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Thanks Yaremis. I will check it out. I am now learning to manage mood swings and minor depression from time to time. For example, when I want to go traveling again..:) I go to gym and find time for myself. Luckily my hubby and I are working very well as a team. We support each other and he is always there when I need him. What more can I ask for. All the best to you all!

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Jenny,

I can relate to your original post. My situation is somewhat different. I already had one child and did not want any more. When I got pregnant with my second, ten years later, I was not happy.

I hated being pregnant, and I was not looking forward to raising another child. I loved my oldest and was content with just her.

It's nine years later (my baby just turned nine) and I feel so blessed and greatful I had her. She makes me smile so much and brings so much joy (I am tearing up as I write this) to my heart. She is so affectionate and loving, too!

When she gets off the school bus each day and RUNS toward me, I feel like the most loved person in the world. Her unconditional love for me which I did not have to do anything to earn was my greatest gift from her.

My message to you and other moms is, look for the little joys this child brings in your heart, and what this child is here to teach you about yourself!

P.S. I just read your last post and I am so delighted to hear your journey has had a positive turn for you and your daughter!

Kim

Last edited by KimL; 05/03/08 12:52 PM.

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ok. theres no appiphany when you become a mom, you discovered the secret. Im a mom of 3 yr old twins and lemme tell you it was a big adjustment. My babies cried alot, mostly from gas bubbles in their tummy, they wanted to be held alot, sometimes still do, and yes they were totally dependant> I remembered wondering where the hell am I going to find time for myself. It does but it doesnt get any easier. As one stage ends another takes its place, you learn to adjust, and you will, it just takes time.

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I agree so much with the original thread starter. I am balling as I read through all these comments because it hits so close to home. I absolutely hate being a mom. I always thought it would grow on me and I would enjoy it but it only has gotten worse. I never wanted children but it happened, and I had my first. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant. I had awesome pregnancies (yes multiple) but when they hit 18 months, I am done. I thought with having more, I would change...that was wrong. I have three and had my husband get fixed because I knew that this was not a temporary feeling. I have felt all the same things that Jenny has felt and I feel guilty, but that is me. I dream of running away and leaving my family but I am scared to do that. I plan on my escape every day: where I would go, how I would leave, cover all my traces, I know I would leave the US. My children are a hinderence and I regret every minute of them. I used to travel all the time, have freedom, money, and an identity....now all I have is well NOTHING. I go from "babysitting" employees all day to coming home to this [censored]. It sucks. I have no time for myself. the boys fight NON STOP. I don't want to do this anymore. I too, have thought the unthinkable like suicide eventhough it is the the selfish thing to do. But what else is there. I really do want to run away. I envy those who can. I am so jealous or disgusted with those moms who enjoy just that. I play the lottery for about a dollar a week when I remember so I can win and hire a nanny for the kids so I can leave. This is not what I signed up for. I hate every minute of this. I think I am verbally abusive to the kids, actually I know I am. When I am at my witts end because no one can seem to get a long for two minutes, I tell them that I never wanted children, etc. I usually tell the passerbys that I should have stopped at zero. I feel like I have to put on such a front in front of family to come across as the perfect mom and I receive tons of compliments, and I just think to myself...what a joke. My life sucks, I hate this more than anything. I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one and that I am not a lone, becuase this is hard to admit because so many feel that they need to judge. My thoughts are so scrambled. I constantly search airfares around the world and think about where I am going to go so that I will not be found. I don't want to go on meds, but what can I do.....I HATE MY LIFE, I do not want to do this anymore.

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I truly hope you will feel better. What make me feel less regret and guilty of making this "wrong" decision is to believe everything happen for a reason. The children are meant to be born, and luckily or unfortunately, hehe, we're picked to be the mothers. So it is out of our control!! You may think I am joking or being crazy, but this is what I believe, so I feel less guilty and regreted. So I can focus on living the precence and how to make it better. It has happened, unless you really have the guts to leave your family and vanish forever, I think the only thing we can do is try to improve the situation...do you agree?

I thought about adoption before, have you thought about that? I am not saying this is what I suggest, I am just trying to let you know maybe this is an option? However, keep the children needs stregnth and patience, but placing them is not easy as well. If this is not an option, then could you find a baby sitter once in a while to get away, for just a day or two? Or find a gym, and put them in the child care center and work out and pamper yourself? ....just suggestions..

Hope all mothers have a wonderful mother's day weekend!

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