BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need Help

Payton,
Abuse takes many forms,not just physical. Temper tantrums and breaking household items; control of finances, your whereabouts, all decisions, plus the drinking, is emotional and mental abuse.

I know that Susan has mentioned bipolar but I have a hunch it more than that. This man is in control and enjoys it. It is feeding his ego and gives him power. He "controls" life so to speak; he is the ruler of his kingdom.

Get some type of counseling even if you have to go to an online site for it. Samaritans.com are excellent.

As for the affair. It will only add to misery. You are finding this man attractive because you are in a miserable no-win situation.

I would leave your husband. Cruelty and control are NOT love.

The only thing I can add here is to please please please don't stay for the kids!!! My parents stayed married for 21 years "for the kids" and all 4 of us were miserable until the day my dad left for good (he caught my mother with another man). Things will probably get worse if he doesn't seek help or you encourage him to seek help.

HI,
Everyone gave out good suggestions. I would not get so involved with the married man. I know you can't change other people. But you can change yourself. Everyone is right to tell you to put your kids & your own well being 1st. I just want to wish you good luck & that things get better for you & your kids. Judy K. Chicago.

Payton -
The last thing you need in this situation right now is more complication and that is exactly what will happen by entering into an affair. You are married (however unhappily) as is the new man. I recommend that you do not take that step during a very chaotic time in your life.

Secondly - I feel that you have two choices. You seem to be very unhappy. I can't imagine walking around on eggshells like you are doing. Life is too short and kids should not have to live in a situation like that. Kids are more perceptive than parents think that they are. I would say that A) Your husband receives treatment and kicks his alcohol problem in order to work out your issues in therapy. If he refuses or you are beyond that point, it may be time to leave. No one should live that way. We aren't meant to experience life that way and life is too short to live in misery. Your husband may not have physically hurt you or your kids but mentally and emotionally the damage is being done.
That is my point of view.

Just wanted to thank you all for your posts. My husband and I have had several discusssions over the last few weeks. He says he does not need therapy but he knows I am not happy because I have told him. Things are calm right now and he is trying, although I feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the meantime, I am making some plans for my future, putting away some money and have spoken with my closest friends about what I am feeling. This forum and the support from the few friends I have spoken to have given me strength that I did not previously have. I think in the end I will end up leaving, unless there is a major change in the way things are and the way I feel, I just need time to put things together.

Again thank you all for being honest and kind. I will check back and let you know how it is going.

Payton,
If all the great people who post in this forum have helped you, that is wonderful news.

You need to think about yourself, not just your children. Ask yourself these questions and be totally honest with yourself.
What do you want in life?
How do you think you can achieve what you want?
Where and how do you see yourself five years from now?
What will make your life joyful and make you your happiest?

Making plans is always good. The old saying goes,
"When opportunity knocks, make sure you're prepared to open the door to a new life."

Best of luck in all ways always,

In case there might be any shred of hope of staying together (not just for the kids, but for the two of you, too, who once promised forever until death), I'm going to throw out an organization that is designed to help married couples who have little to no hope left...people who are at the end of their rope:

Retrouvaille

Though it's operated through a Catholic organization, at least half of the people who attend are not Catholic -- they simply believe in God and look to Him as a last resort to save their marriage since all their own attempts have failed.