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I am sure everyone has heard about the cases recently of families literally returning their kids after years to their country of orgin. (one set of parents returned a child they adopted as an infant when she was 8!) what are your thoughts on it? do you think it preventable? do you blame the parents or the system?


Mindy, Adoption Editor
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My 2 cents worth, once you adopt them legally they are yours PERIOD. You can't just give up on your own biological children (yes my kids have been for sale and for free before and I had no takers) so in my mind, when you adopt they are your own and the rules should be the same, which I thought was the whole idea and purpose for adoption. I know someone will say well they have this wrong with them or that wrong with them, so do kids that are born naturally to parents and you don't give them back, you work it out or learn how to live with it. I think some people who adopt are not expecting the "reality" of parenting. Honestly I did not adopt but no one told me before I had my kids stuff like, hey when that one there turns 13 his brain will leave him and he will talk back and sneak out the window, or the ever popular....that one will be the window breaking champ, get out your check book, etc. etc. It's all part of being a parent. It isn't all fun and games, at my house most of the time it is, but I think you know what I am saying. I think when you adopt you are agreeing to "yes I want to be a parent, I will get up at all hours of the night, I will kiss boo boos, I will listen, I know there will be tantrums for no reason, etc. etc."

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CrochetQueen..I think you hit that one on the nail. Parents adopt simply because they can..it sounds fun.. Although a lot do it for the right reasons, not all do.

How can anyone return a child after 8 years? I wouldn't return a pet after 8 weeks. Hopefully that family never adopts again.

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Ah but you are assuming that said childs biggest issue will be over the top window breaking. Most parents who disrupt pray for that kind of normalcy. What if you had a child who they told you was normal and healthy, but had been sexually abused and now was a sexual predator themselves and you have younger children? Do you truly have the resources for "line of sight parenting
"? can you or your husband take night shifts to unsure the child is still asleep? What if your child victimizes your other children in another way? Threatens to kill them? Or threatens to kill you? (These are realistic truths from families who have disrupted) What if they kill your pet? Or what if they are so deperate for some form of control they refuse to have bowel movement (age five) to the point it stretches the intestines and damages internal organs. While I certainly never promote this option - I also have a hard time judgign it - you need properly equipped parents for these kids - and throwing them into a blind family with no skills and keeping them there was resentment grows is the worst solution.


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Very, very true Mindy! Most people don't think through worst case scenarios to begin with. I think that's probably human nature as what I observe is about 10% of the people I encounter really hit anything realistically, i.e. the good, the bad, the unexpected, the unimaginable, etc. just their version of how things are going to be.

I have worked with adoptive children and by far and long see lower-self tendancies and regardless of age, know their lives have been torn in some fashion and WILL/DO act it out in some fashion, even if it's in the men or women they pick as they grow older or self destructive habbits. Even in great success stories they are still looking for their lost links and understanding of why they were separated to begin with.

If a situation arose under deadly conditions, I'm not certain returning them to their families would resolve deeper issues and emotional difficulties as both parties may not be receptive to a forceable solution.

I think I would opt for outside intervention. Just like any one of us, we're not done being angry until we can let go of it. That never seems to happen just because we change geographical location. What we have is what we have.

Adoption more than anything would take a completely selfless individual with the means or drive to provide under exptremem circumstances. There is a lost chapter in the lives of these children that needs care and tending just as much if not more as the child him or herself. It simply never goes away.

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Most of these kids don't go back to any families - they end up in places like the ranch for kids (dedicated to helping kids with RAD or other issues) but most people won't invest in this until it is a last resort, meaning even if the Ranch works - the family has already given up and is already looking for a placement solution.

The reality is even if you adopt a child at the age of 3 years (or younger) damage can already be done - if the child hasn't been held as a baby or its cries were ignored you already are on the fast track to RAD.

What we need are EDUCATED and COMMITED familes who understand RAD - ODD - PTSD - FAS/FAE and sexually predatory tendency who are dedicated and prepared for a life long commitment.

I do of course still support older child adoption in fact there are kids who will have no issues despite everything and will adjust easily to everday family life. At the same time its hard to see sights likeBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!


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Even worse case scenario... dropping off a kid with problems at a shelter (or returning him/her to their home country) is paramount of taking a dog to the pound to be put down.

You chose to adopt that child..no matter what. If problems occur..they occur. Most kids now days have some sort of "small" behavioral problem. And lots of kids have huge ones.

Mindy said it perfect "What we need are EDUCATED and COMMITED familes who understand RAD - ODD - PTSD - FAS/FAE and sexually predatory tendency who are dedicated and prepared for a life long commitment. "

Kids arn't cars.. you can't trade them in everytime something breaks. If you don't have the fortitude to stick it out (and of course getting help for them is great... counseling / interventions / anything at all) then don't get one in the first place.

Half of my job is to help take care of children that have been sifted off to the side because parents decide down the road...maybe I shouldn't have done this. Adopting a child is the same commitment as giving birth. If you are the kind of person who would drop a child off because they wern't perfect...You don't deserve to have them.



After my ranting is done... it really all comes down to thinking.. too many parents chose a child as a fad, something cool to have and show off, rather than a life long commitment, through thick and thin.

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I can see your point but at the same time I wouldn't want to stay in a family that resented me just because they "had to" and one I had no emotional connection to (if i had RAD) actuallying saying that I do have RAD - unless I have someone who is equipped (physically and emotionally) to go through holding therapies and such to help me move forward I am better off in an intstituion. This is true because these kids do better with structure - lots and lots of structure. I think you placing blame on parents and while I do aknowledge they have a role (ie if you adopted a child as an infant you have plenty of time to engage in holding therapies and overcome potential RAD) but what if you adopt a 9 year old who in the first month molests your 3 year old? Can you really bring the 9 year old back - think about what that would do to the 3 year old. Having to live with their abuser forever? I think ideally adoption should be an eternal commitment but there are things I think parents can't control.

You never answered the question of how you could deal with these situations. You expect parents to - so how would you handle the 9 year old who molested the 3 year old? Or a child who threatened to kill your entire family and has come at you with a butcher knife?


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the child who threatened me or my family, would get some counseling. As for the 9 year old 3 year old problem.. I can't really picture myself in it so it's hard to come across that situation. I personally feel that people with biological children shouldn't have adopted children, due to the stress at the difference in backgrounds. But thats just a personal opinion.

I deffinently see your point, in that there are some rare (although they happen more frequently now days) situations that are beyond a parents scope, I guess my rant was more applied to parents that just give up when they find out their kid aint perfect.

We all come from different backgrounds. I know well adjusted children who are now criminals. I know criminal youth that are now well adjusted. You can't always know what is going to happen. And as for RAD.. it sucks... but it happens. The odds arn't that great anymore: National institute of mental health rates it that 1 in 17 has a mental illness. With over half of those that do have a mental illness having more than one kind. And that's not even touching physical illness.

I understand and now agree with your point that some things are beyond our control. But the vast majority of problems can be dealt with and worked through, if parents are willing to try.

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I think your commitment is great but I can also tell you that counseling/meds/love won't help many kids with full blown RAD.


I totally disagree about adopting with biological kids - I am 100 for it - for starters your getting experienced parents (YAY) who have an idea of typical kid problems which allows them to handle it with ease and then they can tackle and recognize the bigger issues.

And RAD is an ever growing problem - and your statistics are right for the US. The problem is people are adopting from abroad. Meaning we're bringing in these kids with issues. Babies in US are rarely subjected to enough utter neglect to foster RAD when they are put up for adoption. Almost all are in other countries because they are raised in an institution.

And your also right that RAD doesn't even equate criminal acts - it certainly doesn't - however it does almost gurantee a vicious cycle of unhealthy and abusive relationships and no emotional connections.

I think I find myself in the middle - having worked some in this field and knowing families who have both disrupted and adopted from disruption. I want to advocate for the family but I more importantly want to advocate for the kid - often the situation is to much to overcome and a second family is the best situation. These placements are so much more likely to work for a couple of reasons. 1. There is no bitterness/fear/hurt feelings/reservations from the new family so the child has a chance to change with out judgement. 2. the first family can disclose ALL issues with this child and the parent can adress the issues before they spiral out of control.


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