E-mail. A wonderful medium. We can not communicate. It always deteriorates. My "X" is very much still in the ANGRY stage... I'm just annoyed. Speaking face to face at drop off or pick up is a "NO NO"... I can't control the situation and guarantee the girls will not see him sneer, snipe, drop "F" bombs or any other clever names. Phone conversations are the same way. He's like Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. So I've had to resort to EMAIL.
If he drops bombs in an e-mail. I can just shut my computer off. Ignore it. It's less intimidating that way. And... there are copies for future reference if needed. And.. if you do happen to let loose in an email... remember to put it in DRAFT mode.. then walk away from the computer for a while to cool off. Go back to the DRAFT folder after a cooling off period. And answer the email as cooly and in a business like tone as possible.
I keep all my emails professional and impersonal. If I'm asking him a question and he add's barbs and poison pen to it. I ignore those parts. As if they are not there.
My BF. ohhh that's a doozy. I've started dating again. And my BF is a part of my life and my childrens. We're a package deal here. We both feel it would be a diservice and disrespectful to both of our children (his/mine) if we only dated or saw each other when the kids weren't around. So we've started incorporating the kids into our lives. THIS IS NOT sitting well on the "X"... especially since BF is an outstanding role model. We've told the kids he's just "Bill" not "dad"... he's someome's daddy yes.. they have a daddy... and BILL is just "BILL". My girls have said "but he has Daddy type qualities" That is..Daddy qualities...not their dad qualities. This has been a tough one for us to deal with... but we're maintaining the status quo and giving their dad an opportunity for redemption hopefully soon...their dad though see's BF as a threat. There is NOTHING we can do to reassure him, short of my NOT dating. And that, is not going to happen. So we do the BEST we can. Nothing is written down on 3X5 cards.
As far as Garlic? I don't re-act. I don't give him the reactions that he's expecting. I don't cry in front of him, I don't yell, I don't argue. I'm a stone cold fortress. Stepford wife smile and pretend all is well in my world. I'm hoping he'll give up eventually and move on. It's behind the scenes that I fall appart. His barbs still hurt, it's a long and daunting process of reprograming myself. AND THAT.... is the ticket to remember.
If you've spent upteen years with someone. You've been conditioned like PAVLOV'S dog. He pushes a butten... You react. Who knows you better than the person whose seen you naked both physically and figuritively than your spouse? They know how you live and breathe. If you've been in a physical/emotional/mentally abusive relationship...you have been conditioned to walk on egg shells. YEEEHAAAH and kuddo's if you've finally found the fortitude to finally wake up and smell the coffee and get the heck out of dodge. BUT... the divorce.. its just on PAPER. Just like the marriage licence, if you really think about it.. It's just a piece of paper. Marriage and Divorce is all upstairs in your head. And if you think of your brain with its many nerve endings, highways and by-ways and connections... Hubby? He's touched on every one of them and even helped build some of those Neuro connections. It takes TIME... a lot of TIME and effort to reprogram. Consciously. So the best way to do that while you still have to have contact with your "Vampire"... is to not react. Stone fortress.
And saying the MARINE mantra in your head over and over again...
IMPROVISE - ADDAPT - OVERCOME.
other than that... taking up sewing and making a voodoo doll of your "X" really helps take the edge off.
