BellaOnline Forums Family 12 Step Recovery Please Help!!!!

I am married to an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic when I married him and I always had hope that it was just a phase. Now, we have been married for 5 years and have been together for almost 14, and I am at my wits end. I no longer see the man that I fell in Love with in high school so many years ago. I find myself hating him I know that sounds so awful, but I can't help but wonder, should I go my own way and try to find happiness, or stay and continue on this downward spiral that has become my life. I am 29 years old and we have no children. That in itself is a whole other issue. When we met he was my whole world. We married and bought a house. Then we decided to start a family. We went to doctors and then to specialists. He apparently has a genetic defect that will not allow his sperm to penetrate an egg. After this crushing blow - he completely stopped talking about it. In-vitro is very expensive, and he will not even consider adoption or sperm donation. Then, we had an opportunity to buy a business in another state, so we went for it and we have been here a little over 1 year. In that time our marriage has fallen apart. Because we make our own hours he uses his free time to drink 18 - 30 beers a day. The business has also taken a turn for the worst and I had to go out and get another job because he refused to find other employment or quit drinking. He says that it is my fault that we moved here and bought the business so it is my responsibility to take care of things. I know I am rambling on and on but I have a lot on my plate and I am ready to just cut ties with him all together. I am tired of being everything that is wrong with his life. I can't take it anymore!!!! I know that I should be greatful that he is not physically abusive, but he is mentally and verbally abusive to me. I don't know what to do anymore. Most of the time I am just sad and I feel lonely even though he is always around. I find myself daydreaming about being married to someone else someone who will love me more than they love a 16oz can of beer. Please help. I don't know what to do.

Being an alcoholic is not a phase - it is a serious disease and the person needs professional help and counseling. In most cases, the loved ones also need counseling to understand and know how to help. Have you contacted Alcoholics Anonymous, ALANON, your family doctor? The whole family needs support and it looks like you have taken the first step to get this help. Below is one link that might help you. There are many others if you look on the internet. Try typing in "help for alcoholics and their families".

alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/blfam.htm

Casey - you are me many years ago. I am now 48 and wish I had my 20's back to do things over. If he doesn't stop drinking you have got to leave and at least save your own life. I was with my husband for 12 years and then due to his drinking, he had a stroke. I became his caregiver 24/7/365 for another 2 years. Talk about verbal and mental abuse!!!

He either needs to get help and NOW!....or you need to leave. You have a job, and you obviously have a talent for your own business. Don't be afraid - GO!

I am like you, too - no kids - Thank God. I, however, never wanted any. I am sorry you didn't get your wish, but with the way things are - it is a blessing.

Casey - I am telling you now - stop living my former life! You do not want it!!!

((((((((((((((Casey))))))))))))))) (that's a cyber hug)

Alcoholism is a disease, not a decision. Take it from me, someone who's been there. I am a recovering alcoholic with 27 yrs sober. Alcohol "had me" even though i didn't believe that was the case. The person you loved and married is in there but locked behind the alcohol. Be angry at the disease...it has taken over the person.

Having said that, i want you to understand that i am NOT in any way suggesting you stay or try to help him overcome his alcoholism. I just want you to know that no one wakes up in the morning as a kid and says "when i grow up i want to be an alcoholic!" And all of the justification, rationalization and blaming is typical of someone who is in denial about his/her alcoholism. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, no matter what he says!!! But, don't argue with him...he will not admit/acknowledge his alcoholism and you will end up feeling beat up!

Here is what i would suggest to you. Look up Alanon in your local directory and find out about meetings.
(Or, go to this address on the internet: BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Thank you all for your support. He absolutely refuses to go to any kind of counseling. He says that he is doing what he wants to do and nobody is going to tell him that he is wrong. I have just recently found an Alanon chapter in my city and plan on attending meetings. I know however, that this will not sit well with him. But I will go anyway. I talked to his mother about the whole situation thinking that she would be on my side - BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! She told me that she thinks that I have OCD and that he is just responding to my obssesive behavior. She followed that up with "well, if you just make yourself available to him for sex, then everything will get better" Can you believe this!!! I don't want to have sex with him - I don't really want to be in the same room with him. What is up with that?

His mothers' reaction tells me a lot.

If the counseling/meetings don't help you, please spare your own life and RUN - I am begging you.

Oh my, Casey!!! He certainly seems to fit right into his family, huh! I really hope you do go to Alanon and screw what he or his mom thinks! You go for YOU...focus on you! He may never get "well" but you don't need to stay in the "sickness."



Ok, nobody may be able to tell him but that doesn't make him "right!" Actually, more than anything that sentence just tells you that he's not ready to deal with his addiction. That's sad for you and even tho' he doesn't know it it's sad for him. I hope he gets it soon. In the meantime, you take care of you.

hugs,

pat

Casey, I seemed to have missed a whole day here and your post. Because I am an alcoholic, I totally agree with everything anyone has written to you. Alcoholism is a family disease and you are just a part of it. He will continue down this path until there is one thing that means more to him than alcohol and he hasn't found that yet. I hope for his sake he finds it before there is a major catastophe. But you don't have to be there to find out. As advised by all, get to Al-Anon and do what you must do for you. You are way too young and I am sure have to much to offer to stay in such a relationship.

Do what you have to do. It might hurt and it might hurt bad but in the long run, it will never be worse than what you are going through right now. Also, read as much as you can about this disease so that you can understand it a little better.

Kathy L.

Casey, I just noticed that you are in Arizona. I am also. If you let me know where you are, perhaps we could chat personally. Let me know.

Kathy L.

My first love had a drinking problem. Looking back now I regret every moment of the six years I wasted with him. Getting him out of my life (and home) was the hardest thing I ever did. I can't imagine how much harder it would've been had we married. I wish you the courage to build yourself a happy life and wonder if your doing so might force him to face up to his problem.

Hi Casey,

Although it may sound selfish but you have to think of yourself first. Unfortunetly, people tend to think that just because they found someone and decided to enter a relationship with the person that they must endure any type of abuse in order to stay in the selected relationship. This is just not true. He has a problem but it really is not your personal problem. What I mean is that his drinking problem can only be addressed by him and nothing you will do or say can alter his actions.

I know it is really difficult to hear it when someone recommends that you end a relationship. I know it is hard to think about ending something when you feel you have invested so many years into it. But the truth of the matter is that you are not happy so you have to take steps in your life to encounter happiness. This does not mean another man, although I truly believe that in time you will find someone who you admire and love and who loves you and makes you feel special every single day of your life. In order to achieve this you must take some drastic steps now and I think you know what those steps are.

I wish you all the best.
Giselle

I agree. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I am a recovering alcoholic. I wish I could give you some great advice of what you should or should not do, but I am nieve to the perspective of the spouse who has to endure the pain. All I can say is that I would of never agreed to get help if I had personally not hit rock bottom. My rock bottom wasn't becoming homeless or losing everything. It was simply seeing my kids being afraid to play with me. That was it! That was my rock bottom. I believe this is true for most alcoholics. That is that unless they hit a 'rock bottom' of some sort, they may never change. Even if they recognized their rock bottom, that is still not a promise they will change. I am very very sorry for this pain you are enduring. I don't know why my wife put up with me, I certainly wouldn't have blamed her if she left with the kids. I don't know what else to say except that it's not selfish to love yourself and pursue happiness for yourself. I think it is important for you to love yourself more than you hate his alcoholism. Either way, his choices are his own and shouldn't be beared by you.

Casey,

You have had a great response to your original post and a lot of good advice. Most of it was just to take care of you! So, let us know how you are doing because there are a lot of concerned folks out there!

Blessings,

Kathy L.

Hi Casey,

I'm just going to write what comes to mind... I just joined this group and consider it was Godidenced... I began seeking to find a 12-step line about being doomed to perpetual ignorance... didn't want to misquote it. Realize I'm not stuck in perpetual ignorance but the very fact that I've been 'stuck' and now realize most of my being 'stuck' is my 'automatic thoughts'. How much of my automatic thoughts would line up under 'Stink'n Think'n' and how much aligns with rational beliefs? The thoughts that would make me feel shame or guilt when another person I love has not sought help and I tend to try to help them and wind up hurting myself. My Higher Power is God and I believe I needed to be jerked up short about how alcoholism is still working and that I do suffer from the effects of alcoholism. I can get help for myself and I can avoid misery. Instead of saying pain is necessary misery is optional, I now say increase pleasure, decrease pain. How? Getting support that identifies the problem focuses on solutions, and fosters serenity, peace, and an opportunity to increase pleasure and decrease pain.

Reading your share gave me reminded me of the time many years ago when I called and asked, "How can I help my daughter without becoming part of a trauma drama?" My daughter had finally gone to DIVIS for help. I didn't just want to try to 'fix' something, I wanted to know how to really help ... The answer I got wasn't a shock. I was asked 2 questions: 1) what are you doing to take care of yourself? 2) Do you know about Al Anon? I�d been to Codependence Anonymous meetings and knew I had some basic guidelines to guide me� I needed Al Anon. The people in Al Anon helped me and added to my perspective about how far reaching alcoholism is and how harmful to everyone in a family for years to come unless they find appropriate help.

Long ago I wrote a piece about alcoholism being a multigenerational disease. Even this right now moment I am most grateful for the reminder. I had forgotten how insidious alcoholism is. It's also been called a baffling and cunning disease. I tend to think I can think rationally about the ongoing effects and realize the only rational thing I can do always comes back to What am I doing to take care of myself and begin helping myself by looking to the principles of the 12 Step programs.

Today I arrived at this site and believe my H P whom I choose to call God leads me toward things that bring help and health...

Thank you 12 steppers for letting me share, I needed to. I�m feeling a sense of joy and some freedom. I don�t have to feel guilty for not helping or responding to the same old stuff. I do have a choice. I can live with unsolved problems. I can take care of myself and I can write a share to fellow 12 steppers who know there are solutions. I am laughing as two words with the melody come as automatic thoughts. �Welcome back.� It was Good 4 me to write� Thank you again.

Casey, I wish you happiness, joy, and freedom�

Sincerely,
ibeme

ibme,

Thanks so much for your share. No matter where we are in recovery it is always good to hear someone's story. I was rather "struck" by the word "stuck". It just so happens that will be the subject of my article to be posted this Friday. It actually reminded me that we all feel the same things, maybe just at different times. Blessings and thanks again for posting.

Kathy L.

Please Help - You are not crazy. Alcoholism is a family disease. I lived with it for many years and am myself an alcoholic. I'm a raging codependent for sure, and if anything will put me back in my disease, it my codependent traits. I can't control anyone else - actually, I can't control hardly anything. No one can make the tough decisions you must make for you, but you sound like you're losing yourself. So, you need some help for you. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon. That might help you a lot. Your hubby probably won't be very happy about your going. But it's not about him - it's about you getting better whether he chooses to or not. I hope this helps. I know how much you are hurting. Margaret a