BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult Stepdaughter Turns on Father

Im very confused right now. My husbands daughter is 35 yrs old. Without going into all the details, she has been a constant drama queen and attentionn seeker. Her Father and I were unbelievably kind and supportive to her even though I sensed she was being very deceiving. As it turned out , we had to pull back on the purse strings which sent her into a tailspin. She spued insult upon insult that were completely untrue about me. But what really scares me is she called her father an abuser both sexually and physically while she was growing up. She has been nothing but dishonest about so many things,and her hanging on him while here just makes me question....why? Why would she want a relationship with a man that she accused of so many terrible things. From what I understand this has been going on all my husbands adult life. She has been basically using blackmail to get her way. Anyone out there that has been abused, please help me make sense of this. Thankyou

I posted this morning and realize how strange it sounds.Thats why I need advice. Please read.

I will have the Child Abuse editor come in to give some suggestions. This is a rough situation and I don't know what I would suggest doing. It is so hard because you don't want to block out legitimate complaints of women - it is hard enough for women to admit to this sort of situation. But certainly there is a portion of accusations which are false and which are solely made for attention reasons ...

Many women have quite mixed relationships with their fathers, it sounds like this is no exception.

Thankyou so much Lisa, You mentioned the mixed relationship. That is exactly what I need information about. You are right about not wanting to override legitimate complaints. Any help would be appreciated.

Each time that she didn't get her way with her father, did she accuse him of abusing her as a child? Or has the issue been brought up when everything was going her way? Has she been in therapy before, do you know? I guess I kind of question the fact that she blackmails him seemingly when she doesn't get her way. Up to now, how has your husband handled these accusations? It's very difficult because there are times when an adult survivor of childhood abuse will begin to share the secret as an adult. However, it makes me cautious in this case because it seems thatm, according to your post, she only speaks of it when she doesn't get her way financially.

There are many survivors of child abuse that long to have a relationship with their abuser. There is a part of them that longs to be accepted by their abuser. However, the claims of child abuse are consistent and not dependent on one getting ones way, in any form.

There is a website that may have the information you are looking for. It is ChildHelpUSA. Another great site that has facilitated chat groups is YesICAN.org. They may also be able to offer some insight into this matter.

Please know that I will research this and write an article on it. Thank you for visiting the forum. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Your information was very helpful. I believe you would do alot of people good by writing an article on this subject. In answer to your question, yes she was in therapy,and yes she only brought up the accusations when she wasnt getting her way. I have been with my husband for 7 yrs so I have participated in this cycle for awhile. My husband flat out told her to stay out of our lives when she started attacking my character. She stooped so low in regard to me that I see how she bullied him all her life. She has successfully destroyed prior relationships my husband has had before me. And shes not been able to hold her own relationships for very long. As Im writing this it has dawned on me how twisted this sounds . I will be going to my husband once again to insist on the truth. I want to live a healthy life without worrying she will try to come between us again. The gravity of this subject makes me want to pursue answers. In my mind I cant see a daughter acting this way unless there was some truth to it. I thankyou for understanding . Regards,Jacquett

I will do some research and write an article on it. Thank you so much for trusting us and sharing your story.

I feel really hesitant about offering advice because I don't know anything about this area and would never want to make things worse. But I do know of a situation where a person routinely exaggerated things to get pity. I was present during some of the situations and later on she would wildly exaggerate what had happened to have people feel sorry for her. I would be shocked at the things she would say.

On the other hand I do know of women who were abused and who would rarely if ever talk about it. I imagine women who are abused all react to it in very different ways. So while the women I know would never want to be near their abuser, I am sure some women long to be validated by the person, maybe to know there was a "reason" for it.

I look forward to reading Kelli's article and learning more about this.

Hi Lisa, I thank both you and Kelli for spending time on this subject. I also look forward to the article.

I have been thinking about this situation for the past couple of days. I was abused as a child, but chose to never confront my parents. I had a wonderful relationship with my mother before she passed in 2006. The issue was just never spoken about. That was my choice. But, in all honesty, I think of the things that the adult survivors of child abuse must face as an adult, when remembering the abuse they endured. I know, firsthand, that confronting is no easy task. It takes a great deal of courage to confront an abuser. My children were abused by their father and they also have never discussed it with him. It's just not talked about. I keep thinking of the fact that your step-daughter only brings the topic up when angry for not getting what she wants. I am left to wonder if she did truly experience abuse of any form from her father. I say this because confrontations are not easy. They aren't something that is just spit out into the open. They bring with them a great deal of strong and powerful emotions. I did write an article on this matter and it will be on the site on Monday, 3/3/08. I welcome everyone's input on the article, as well as what I have shared here.

Good article Kelli.

It is a very tricky issue to try to unravel from a third party perspective, and I'm sorry that you're in a position where you may not be sure if your husband is telling you the truth due to another person's accusations. That's a heavy load to place on a marriage.

I just wanted to mention two possibilities, but I am in no way saying this is the way it is with your SD.

You mentioned that the accusations are only given when things don't go her way.

The first possibility is that it is pure malice and blackmail. It is her word against his and it works to get her the results she wants.

The second possibility is that it is true or partially true, but she is trying in some way to get over it. So, when things are happy and good she is able to put it out of her mind. When she is under stress, it could be a release for her to dig into what is now her bag of ammunition. This could be a result of therapy - once a person gets over that first hurdle of speaking about abuse, it becomes much easier to talk about it - and it does pop out suddenly in unexpected situations.

But as Kelli says in her article, it is much easier to say it to an uninvolved person than it is to have a confrontation with the abuser.

Wow! I cant tell you how much I appreciate the response I recieved. You ladies are very informative. I am now using this knowledge and looking at it from other prospectives other than through my hurting. Again Thankyou!!!

You're very welcome, I'm so glad it helped.

Hi there, just an update from how life is treating us. After writing my post, and recieving all the wonderful help, I feel much better. We are not in contact at all with stepdaughter any longer. My husband once and for all decided that she only wants to be distuctive. There is no reason to allow any person into our lives that we need to feel guarded and threatened by. I have chosen to put this attack behind me and not take it personally. I know now I represented a threat to her. I came between her and her dads money. Thats it in a nutshell. Pretty sad what money does to some people. She used all the vile amumition to get me to run, just as she did in the past. This time it didnt work. This is a grown woman I am talking about. The sad part is , I was very good to her, and thought we had a future. This may seem brutal to some of you, but the damage this woman did is unforgivable. She tried to destroy our lives. And life is wonderful, peaceful and loving. Thankyou for listening.

I'm glad to hear that everything is settling down for you folks. Thank you for trusting us to listen.

WOW, I'm so sorry your going through this.

Let me say that in the comments I am about to make, I am NOT commenting on your husband because I don't know him.

I have heard that when children are abused, they do not necessarily FLEE the person who abused them. I have a friend who was sexually abused by her Father. She never dealt with it in fact didn't even remember it until I told her I had to type up a police report about her Father in my job as a police dispatcher. He had been arrested for sexually abusing a child in a larger town near us. She passed this information on to her Mother who later told me that she felt he had done this to my friend AND that over the years another child had come to her to say that he had done the same thing to her. She left him immediately. He had been a minister and had access to ALOT of children over the years.

This friend came to me a couple times that summer to talk about it and then later never remembered the conversations. To this day 20 years later she has no memory of these details. She allows her Father into her home, around her own children as if nothing happened. She even asked me to come down and bring my daughter with me to visit him when he was in town. I wanted to say something but I just declined the offer.

Its very posible that your stepdaughter was abused but by someone else. She sounds sort of boarderline personality disorder in the way you describe her and sexual abuse as a child can preciptate this disorder. That doesn't mean your husband was the one who did it however. It could have been anyone, another family member, a neighbor, a teacher. He could feel quilty that he wasn't there to stop it as any parent would in wanting to protect their child.

The reality is however, she is a grown woman and as such is responsible for her own mental health. I think its a good idea to give people like this boundaries and tell them, get some help, or you can't be part of my life, I will join you in a session if you need but I will not have you tearing apart my life in this destructive fashion.

People who are mentally ill often don't have boundaries, they don't understand that they have gone too far AND they have little or no insight into how out of control and innappropriate their behavior is.

It would be insightful to understand what her relationship is like with her Mother and any other men in her life. If she has been sexually abused, its likely she isn't able to sustain a sexual relationship with a man since it sounds like she hasn't gotten help for the abuse.

It sounds like you two made the best decision you could, for your own safety and health.

I just wanted to vent...lol. Its been a long time since I had to think about stepdaughter since she is totally out of our lives. She is now supposedly getting married and is trying to contact my husband. The hypocrasy is just amazing me. She must need a big check and her dream to have Dad walk her down the aisle. Im so happy my husband is strong enough to protect himself. What a sick little cookie.