BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids CF Stress??

I am thinking about going to a therapist to discuss the CF issue. No, I do not want to be convinced that I should want to have kids...

I just feel preoccupied with the topic, and I think it is interfering with my happiness. I'll be walking down the street and every time I see a woman with kids I think UCK! I stare at pregnant women - to me it's like looking at a horror show...seeing pregnant women actually makes my heart race (see, this is not normal, right?!). But then I'll see an older single woman on the subway and I'll get depressed thinking that I am going to wind up like that...alone because I never wanted kids.

I've had bad luck with boyfriends since I was 21! Ever single one of them REALLY wanted kids and the relationships ended because I just could not bring myself to saying I would have one. It's gotten to the point where I avoid men because I am afraid of that conversation coming up again! I just can't be rejected for not wanting kids again, you know?

Has anyone else had these issues? Has anyone tried therapy? You all seem so happily child-free and married! I DO NOT WANT KIDS, but I am feeling lately like my choices are to either give in and have one, or be alone...men my age want kids! And I know I should be independant/content on my own...I am very independant but I would really like to share my life with someone. I think of all the otherwise great guys that I've lost because of the kids thing and I am afraid I will regret that...

Yes, there was a time in my life when the sight of pregnant women would strike horror in my heart. It passed, though I still find it quite uncomfortable being around pregnant women.

Don't avoid men just because you don't want kids. Just tell them up front very early in the relationship. If they insist they want kids, then YOU can reject them. They may be great guys, but if they don't want the same things in life that you want then chances are good that a long term relationship would not work out anyway.

As to the possibility of winding up alone, yes - that can be a worry. The thing is - even when you have a partner there are no guarantees that they won't go off the deep end and want a divorce or that they won't pass away until after you do. Having kids is also no guarantee that you won't wind up alone either - kids have no legal obligation to care for aging parents.

Hey jvo37. I think therapy is an excellent idea. I have actually been in therapy for years for a number of reasons and it has helped me immensely! You might have to shop around for the right therapist, though, b/c even a lot of therapists seem to be enthralled with babies just like everyone else.

I am married now, but I was single for a long, long time and I always knew I did not want kids, and I completely understand where you are coming from. Hang in there! There are CF guys out there! I didn't start meeting decent guys until I was in my 30s. That seems to be the magic age when people start acting like grownups. At least that has been my experience.

I think the people that would consider not having kids are the artsy or creative types. People like this, in my experience, question things, and wouldn't automatically have kids if it didn't speak to them. I hope you will find the support you need here, and that you have some CF friends offline, too. That's a good start.

I don't think you will be alone. I have seen women with kids from a previous marriage find love, and in my mind, that is more difficult that finding a CF guy. If I was a guy, I wouldn't want to date someone that had kids from a previous marriage/relationship. I think there are guys that think they want kids, but if someone actually had a conversation with them, and posed the childfree life as an option, they might actually warm up to the idea. I think guys just seem to be less aware of what parenting does to someone's life. If you hang out in coffee shops or bookstores you could meet cool people that think.

I think other women have probably dealt with what you are talking about - breaking up b/c they don't want kids. But you should congratulate yourself for being strong like that. Someone once told me that once you start saying no to what doesn't work for you, the better stuff will come your way. I hope this helps

And, one more thing... have you thought about meeting guys through a CF group? They probably have one near you.

I also agree that therapy would be a great idea. I have found it immensely helpful in my own life. Because you are so unique, it can make you feel isolated, and when you are isolated, you stop being able to connect with people. Believe me, it's a very bad path to go down.

Tress and Happy, you are lucky. jvo, just make sure you get the right therapist - I saw one in an attempt to figure out if I really didn't want kids or if I didn't want them just to rebel against what was expected. She basically twisted my words, blamed DH for making excuses (money), and essentially told me the kid decision was entirely MINE to make and not to let him "deny" me something I "obviously wanted" - basically that it was okay to "oops" him! I did NOT go back and we worked it out on our own (yep, firmly CF), but it REALLY put me off therapists for that particular issue.

Gah! That woman should be reported for encouraging insane behavior!

Tbunny...I've heard that reasoning many times over the years - like men really have no say when it comes to fatherhood (if they're in a relationship) - things like, "it's not as if THEY have to do anything"..."it doesn't change HIS life"....oh, really!
IMO you can't say you love a man if you have no respect for his feelings and wishes - marriage is not about unilateral decisions particularly, decisions of this magnitude.
AND, to lie, deceive or manipulate your partner IMO, means the marriage is damaged/destroyed...
Trust is an important part of marriage - an "oops" pregnancy IMO amounts to a gross breach of trust...
Yet...this behaviour seems almost "acceptable" to many people, when other betrayals would be unacceptable...what's the difference?
Surely, a betrayal is a betrayal and in all cases, amounts to a breach of trust.
I know if I know longer trusted my DH, we would have no marriage.

Wow, what a terrible therapist, TBunny!

Thanks guys...I feel a little better. I'm going to try the therapist, but maybe a male one? Somehow men are less judgmental when it comes to hearing that a woman doesn't want kids (expecpt for the ones that I happen to be dating!)

I have thought about looking for CF groups...also trying internet dating and screening out the guys that say that the want kids on their profiles...there are few that don't but I guess it will eventually work out!

Another weird thing - I went out with a CF guy I met online (he was VERY CF!)and he told me I was too nice to be CF...he thought I was lying! He decided I was too nice because I have two cats, and one of them has a medical condition that I deal with. He's like 'You seem too caring.' I was like A. Are you saying that just because someone doesn't want kids means they are not caring (are YOU not caring buddy?)? and B. As much as I love my cats, they are not children.

UGH!

This sounds like a good reason to talk to someone about it. (And maybe there are other issues at well?) Nothing should interfere with your happiness, or, at least, your persuit of happiness.


Sounds like you are on the verge of something. The decision to be CF is HUGE. I've thought these things from time to time. It sounds pretty normal to me.


No one wants to be rejected. Who can blame you? Do you have any CF orgnaizations in your area? Can you find some on the net? That would be a good place to start.

I've not tried therapy as an adult for this issue, so I can't speak to that. But just because we are happily married doesn't mean we don't angst over the kid issue from time to time. Esepcially now that I'm 39--even though I always knew I'd never, ever, EVER go through a pregnancy--this age is a real do or die age. I can't see myself parenting a teen in my 60's, and adoptions take years, so we'd have to begin the process now. And we know don't want to, but we still think these sorts of thoughts.


Of course you want to share your life with someone. I think most people do. Everything you're discussing sounds perfectly normal, but therapy can be a wonderful thing. Why not try it if you can afford to? And why not look up some local CF organizations. Do you have a local No Kidding?

I saw a therapist as well. When I turned 37yrs. I started thinking OMG what if I do regret this???? My therapist said in talking to me..she new within the first thirty minutes I didn't want kids. But it still helped me.

Don't give up on guys. I read all the time that guys are having vacectomies in their twenties now. YOu have just been meeting some of the wrong guys???? It is like anything else in dating...Good luck.