BellaOnline Forums Family Moms My husband doesn't want children

I know a few women who let their biological clock tick out and then became consumed with the desire for babies even though they didn't feel the need to give birth or have room in their life for a baby for the first 35-40 years when they could have easily become pregnant. The logic of this seemed to escape them and they started to let the feeling of having "missed out" eat them alive and ruin their quality of life.

Before you let these thoughts take on a life of their own, please find someone that you respect and trust to talk to; either a professional or a person with wisdom regarding your situation. Don't let the want of a baby ruin an otherwise good marriage and life.

Nobody can tell you how to feel, or how it will all turn out but it's easy to see how your husband may start to feel unwanted pressure from your sense of loss. He may also begin to feel that you are being unfair and that you changed the rules that you agreed on initially.

If working in a hospital or daycare taking care of babies helps by all means do it, but if that doesn't help take other steps to get past this so that you can fully appreciate the good things that are already in place.

The reasons people have children are usually more emotional than logical. Imagine how much time, energy and money you'll save to do other meaningful things in life. There are many parents who feel a void in their personal lives, even though society claims that having children will fill that void. Visit the following link to read the messages of mothers who feel as though motherhood caused them to lose their freedom:

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Honestly this isn't all bad. There are a lot of us nowdays that are childfree. One of my biggest reasons for being childfree is so that I can spend my free time helping children that truly need help. There are a lot of bad parents out there, and you can volunteer at numerous locations around your town to help them. I read to the kids at the Elementary school 2 days a week, and volunteer with the boy scouts when they do their outings. I may not have "my own" kid, but i have lots of kids that are still "my kids"


Skeeter

Annabelle,

I, too, am sorry to hear of your situation. It has to be tough, especially for you, since as women we are normally more emotional of the two marriage mates, and also because our male partners never have an estrogen-fueled body clock that goes off one day that I've heard is unrelenting once it rings.

I am 36, and my boyfriend is 52. We've been dating for over a year now, but the subject of children came up on our third date. That may sound quick, but he wanted it to be known right up front before either of us started forming a romantic attachment that he had had a vasectomy and was not going to have any more children, period (he has two grown - 19 and 21). At that point, I still had not made my decision to remain childfree. The difference with you and I is that my clock never went off, still hasn't, and I don't see it ever ringing. I see too many things in myself that really appreciate the lifestyle I have, not willing to make such sacrifices for a child. I thoroughly enjoy travelling as much as possible, I play sports, I go out with friends, I come and go as I please (blah, blah, blah...).

We have seen this subject come up many times in another area of Bella, the "Married No Kids" room, and I'm sorry to say that unfortunately, when one spouse becomes firmly planted on one side of the fence and the other on the other side, it's not a good situation. The choice you face has no happy medium, and you cannot possibly meet in the middle: Either you have a child (fulfilling your need) or you don't (fulfilling his need, or lack thereof). Sorry to drone, but I always like to look at the basics first.

Now that we've established that your lives will swing only one way or another and that there is no common ground, you must think only of how to deal with this yourself, since you cannot change him. Thinking that you can change him will only result in misery for the both of you, marked with fighting, crying, and a marriage that begins to tear.

You mentioned in one of your posts:

I've been married twice and have been through counseling, and every counselor has said you can never assess your mate's intentions nor their motivations. It sounds like he's had a long time to think about this, and I'm sure it has pained him to come forth and finally voice his final stance to you, knowing he might break your heart, especially if you've become obsessed with having a child. So I wouldn't second-guess his intention here. I don't even know your husband and don't know his family background, so please forgive me for sounding like a know-it-all. I'm just listening to you and what you've said. If he had a broken home, or if he had trouble growing up, those are valid reasons for not wanting more children...on top of having to go through a divorce with the child he already had. They may not be valid to you or me, but they're valid to him, and that's what matters to him. You won't change that.

Lastly, I'll point out that you mentioned that before you married, you had resolved that if he never changed his mind and still never wanted any more children, you said you would be okay with that, and he trusted you. You married with that understanding. True, you might have felt like that then, and perhaps you can't help how hormones later made you feel different about that decision.

Here is the bottom line the way I see it (and hopefully I could at least bring some clarity, whether or not you agree with me): Since you cannot, will not change your DH, you must dig deep into yourself -- soulsearching, prayer (if you're a spiritual person), counseling, whatever you need. It's your turn to surface the answers inside you: Can you live out your life without having your own child, or will not having your own child always be something you deeply regretted? Your DH cannot help you here. This is all you.

If you decide that you cannot life a happy life without bearing life, I'm afraid you must start considering another partner. The alternative is staying with your DH, but letting go of something you once thought you wanted so as not to keep this source of resentment over both your heads.

In parting, I'd like to recommend a book to you that I first read upon hearing about my boyfriend's stance on never wanting more children. The book alone did not make me decide to remain childfree...the decision came with my own soul-searching without his intervention, agreement or even discussion. I also read a few other books on the subject; if you want their titles, PM me. The book is called Do I Want to Be A Mom? by Diana Dell. The questions it features on the front cover are "Do I want kids now? Never? Will I regret it if I don't have kids? What if my marriage breaks up? The reflective stories found in this book provide a framework to help you examine your motivations and make your own guilt-free decision."

Best of luck to you, your husband and your family.

Angela,

Your post is 100% right on. I feel so much for Annabelle, and felt like I wanted to reply, but you really covered most of it.


Annabelle...you have a difficult decision ahead of you, with a loss whichever way you decide. You can't avoid that unfortunately -- it is literally a lose-lose situation. But you need to decide what you best live with.

For my part, I can not imagine life without my daughters, and I never even had the same kind of hunger for a baby that you have. My husband and I discussed being childfree, because we were SO happy and doing so well. But we just kind of said -- we always assumed we'd do this, so there just be something to that...so let's go for it! After having my first daughter, I honestly couldn't remember the point of my life before her. That's just me, and may not be you. You also need to consider that leaving your husband would not guarantee you a child. You are young and healthy, but our fertility (not to mention an alternative daddy) is not something we can just snap our fingers and control.

Whatever you decide, do you best to make your decision out of love -- of your husband, of a child, of yourself -- not out of fear -- of loss, of fertility, of an unknown future.

Loving energy out to you...

Nicki

I just wanted to add that a good proportion of those feelings of obsession will be hormonally driven. Not all - a lot of it is genuinely a spiritual thing, and I know it is not as simple as it sounds, but knowing that there is a hormonal drive happening here may help you get through this a bit more easily. If you're on the pill, chat to your doctor about making a change to a brand that might even out your hormones a bit more. I don't know which hormone(s) affects broodiness, and you might need to experiment, but maybe it is worth a try? Also when you get these pangs, try to talk yourself through it by saying, "It's just my hormones." I don't know if that will help, but it has helped me in the past.

Edit: Sorry, I just realised the dumb thing I said. If your husband's had a vasectomy, you won't be on the pill.

But as I said, consider going on the pill as a hormone balance, or if you don't want to do that, you can try Hypericum/St. John's Wort, which is a natural anti-depressant.

>HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS? I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something I never had.

This is something those dealing with infertility have to deal with, too. When I was dealing with infertility, I went through a lot of tears before I could start to think about "what I would do with my life" if it never happened. In my case, it wasn't a matter of a choice by one or both partners in a couple, but imposed on me by my own biology.

I think it is a process, a grieving process, but just as we don't cry the rest of our lives if we lose a loved one, we can move forward in our lives over this issue, as well.

To Annabelle07, Hi I am a brand new member of this site and this is the first time I have ever submitted anything to a form. I have searched and searched for a forum where someone is facing the same awful, painful situation I am going through. I am 39 and my adorable husband is 52 and we have been married for nearly 2 years. He has 4 wonderful, healthy children from his first marriage and has also had a vasectomy. I have known this from the outset of our relationship. But a bit of me has always hoped he would want to have a child with me. He doesn't and I cannot blame him or hate him for it. I accept it because he is the love of my life and I vowed I would never blame him for it. He was so honest about it. But, I am finding I am completely overwhelmed by the hormonal, emotional onslaught I am experiencing right now. My biological clock is screaming at me and there is nothing I can do to silence it. I would really love to find out how you are coping at the moment as I am finding it almost impossible to cope.

This is a big, BIG problem...

First of all, you have to realize that you and you alone have created this problem for yourself. You must first take responsibility for what is going on here.

Before you both married, you knew that your husband was unwilling to give you children. You chose to overlook this, accept it and marry him anyway. That was your first mistake. Children are not negotiable. You either want them or you don't. If one partner refuses to give the other children, I really don't see how that marriage is going to succeed. And you wouldn't want for either one of you to feel as you're feeling right now.

Let's try to understand the different points of view here. Let's start with you. Have you questioned yourself as to why you want a baby so badly? Is it because you feel you should or have too? Or do you feel lonely and believe a baby will fill a void in your life? Or have you always felt the need to be a mother because you have an inner desire to be?
You have to figure out your reasons as to why you feel the way you do. Get to the bottom of that before you make any final decisions.

Now let's understand where your husband is coming from. This is a man who has already completed his very young life. He's completed all that you haven't yet. He's had a child already. He knows what it's like to be a parent and deal with the responsibilities of raising children. He's not a young buck anymore (not that 40's is old but you get what I mean) and probably wishes to live the rest of his life happily without the stress and worry of raising yet another child.

It's obvious that the vasectomy he chose to have proves his final decision. Like someone else stated, it's very difficult to reverse this. There's a good chance that even if he decided he does want to, it wouldn't work.

Now, this isn't fair to either one of you. It's not fair of you to try and convince him into having children now after all this time. Let him be. He has made his decision, now it's time to make yours.
You must decide whether you can live the rest of your life with this man child free. The only life you have control over is your own.

You sound as if you're in denial and hopeful that he will change his mind. You need to stop this way of thinking. You're only torturing yourself. I would suggest you have one last big talk about this issue. If he says "no more kids." leave it alone. This is a point where you decide whether it's worth for you to remain in this relationship. This isn't about trying to get someone to go your way. If you want certain things in life, then you should share it with someone who wants the same. It's that simple. Best to stop fooling yourself and convincing yourself otherwise. You're only hurting yourself and perhaps in turn, your relationship as well.

I would also suggest you go for personal counseling. You are still very young and it seems that perhaps you are now finding out what you want in life. This may mean that your husband is not the person you're meant to be with although you may feel differently in your heart. We all feel that way with our partners. That's called being in Love. Does it necessarily mean that this person is truly the one? No it does not.

Give it some serious thought. Be considerate to your husband's feelings and please keep in mind that children are not negotiable.

I hope you don't read my post and think that my being direct and honest with you is out of ill intent. You need to look at things rationally and leave denial and everything else you blind yourself with behind you. This is the only way you can come to a wise decision. I wish you nothing but the best. Hope everything works out well for you no matter what happens. Please keep us updated.

I think you got very good points from everybody, I agree 100% with Jellyrol's post, but I was particularly drawn to this thing you said.
I was the one not wanting children all my life, and a lot of people, included my dh thought I deep down wanted one. The wish to have children is independent from upbringing or social class: we all know cases of horrible families where people have kids out of control, while there are people who grew up in beautiful families and remain childfree. Someone who has undergone surgery in order not to procreate, has already given the whole thing a lot of thinking.
And personally, I find it infuriating when people think they know what is in my head better than me, so I would try not to bring this thought up to him too much.