BellaOnline Forums Family Attachment Parenting Adult Stepson & Husband **NEED HELP**

Please help!
My 21 year old stepson (I'll call him John) did something recently that has made me so angry that I feel I almost hate him and can get past it!
My husband, John and I lived with my mother in law until she passed away last month. She was 85 years old and had heart surgery. It got to the point where we needed to bring her home under hospice care. She lived exactly one month after.
My husband and John lived with her since my husband's divorce (John was a small boy). She adored her grandson and did everything and anything for him. At the same time we were going to bring her home and be her caretakers, John decided he wanted to join the police academy. He has always been very selfish and irresponsible. He didn't have a penny to his name. His mother (my husband's ex) said she would pay for the academy and his rent if he'd move out of our house.
We told him how grave it was with his grandma coming home and that we needed his help and she needed him to be there. We asked him to wait 6 months until the next academy session and at that time we would assist him financially and offer our full support. We only wanted him to work and earn part of it to show responsibility, and also to be there to assist us and be with his grandma. Well, the carrot his mom held out in front of him was just too much for him to resist. He chose to abandon his father and his grandmother. Before he left, we all got into a huge screaming match. We made it clear how selfish he was being by abanding his family knowing his grandma may not have much time left. He claimed he was not being selfish and not abandoning anyone! The night before she died, we called him and told him he needed to come see her right away if he wanted to see her alive. He chose to come the following day. It was too late. She was gone. Our marriage has suffered during the strenuous illness of my husband's mother. Especially since my husband quit working to take care of her and I was there after work daily. It wasn't easy physically or emotionally. Now that she's gone, my feelings of hate for John are just almost too much. I can't stand to look at him and I don't want anything to do with him. My husband is also extrememly upset and hurt but John is his son and course will continue to have contact with him. My husband and I even argue about this. I think of the future (his academy graduation, his wedding one day, kids, etc.) I don't want him in our house and I don't want any contact or communication with him. I feel I can't forgive this hurt he has put on the family! It's going to tear my husband and me apart. What can I do? What do I do? I'm desperate!
Thanks

NancyLouise, you and your family have been under tremendous stress and it is situations like these that do cause irreparable harm in family relationships.

My advice for you is to consider seeing a grief counselor with at least your husband and maybe John, too.

You know, we all deal with death differently and I think maybe you expected something from John that he just couldn't deliver.

Maybe he was scared and saddened to see his grandmother ill and dying and did not know how to deal with those emotions. It's so hard when you are that young to accept death anyway and to be around someone you love and seeing it is, in my opinion, a lot to ask of someone that young. I'm sure he was bewildered by how to act around her and also by his feelings regarding her death.

At 21, waiting six months for something is a long time, too. You said he is selfish and irresponsible, which I read as immature, which is by definition, the inability to postpone gratification. Immature people want everything now!

You have invested a lot in John and I understand that you feel he betrayed you by not doing what you wanted him to do--be there for his dad and grandmother, and for you. For your sake, I do hope you can eventually forgive John, not just for John's sake or for your husband's, but for you. You need to work through the hate and realize that you can be disappointed in someone's actions without letting that disappointment ruin your marriage and essentially eat you up.

I'm hoping you will find a way to make peace with yourself and then with your husband, and then finally, with John.

Blessings,