BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child free friends

Reading another post, I started thinking about my child free friends.

Even though I am the editor of this website and obviously very involved in the child free community, I STILL find it difficult to ask my child free friends why they chose not to have kids!

One couple is in their 40s, about 10 years older than Chris and me. I suppose they still could have kids. But they built a log cabin a few years ago and there isn't much room to have children. They have been married fewer years than us, so they were married later in life than average. They seem to enjoy their neices and nephews and friends' kids a lot, so part of me wonders if they might not still try. I guess I am afraid of the answer so I have never asked! (I would hate to find out that they were going to try to have kids!)

The other couple is in their 60s. They are pretty private about their lives, so I haven't ever really asked why they don't have kids. We haven't talked about it, except that they have made comments about what they might do when they are older, since they don't have kids. (I have told them we will be there for whatever they might need.) I have talked to them a lot about why I don't want kids. I don't know if they couldn't have kids or what. They were also married later in life, so perhaps they missed their opportunity.

I have one aunt and uncle that don't have kids. My grandmother told me once that they didn't want kids, but changed their minds later, and by then my aunt couldn't get pregnant. I'm not close enough to them to ask either!

So I wonder, does anybody else have child free friends that you DON'T talk to about being child free? It sounds like a weird question, but it has become my reality... :-)

Kim
MNK Editor

That's interesting Kim - I think it's a delicate and very private area - I have NEVER asked anyone whether they were planning kids or why they don't have them. I hated those enquiries and have always tried to avoid being drawn into those conversations - I guess I felt, "why should I have to justify my choice to you" or resented being put on the spot or patronized.
Now, in my late 40s I take a different view - perhaps, I am less sensitive about the issue. I find people are more careful about asking - they're not sure whether they might be opening a hornet's nest - "have they spent years on the IVF program" - "are they devastated about their childless state" etc.
I find that at this stage people often throw out a "hook" hoping for a bite and depending on the people and the situation - I can either avoid the "bait" or open the discussion. I find with CF people I'm happier to discuss my situation.
I will discuss my CF state with some parents - others, no, because I know they simply wouldn't understand/accept my view. So, what's the point.
The only danger is confusing CF with childless people - they are a different group entirely - I once took the "bait" and it ended with a woman bursting into tears and confessing she had been on the IVF program for years, only to suffer bitter disappointment when the treatment failed - she couldn't understand a healthy couple choosing not to have kids - it seemed unfair to her. She was clearly an emotional mess and I felt terribly sorry for her - it would have been impossible to speak to her in any rational way so I politely excused myself from the discussion. It was clear to me that she had lost perspective and balance in her life after spending so many years living entirely for something that never happened.
I mentioned in another topic that I've found some younger CF women keen to discuss the CF option and lifestyle with a happy, older CF woman - I'm more than happy to take their "bait".
So, to answer your question - No, I don't ask and never will...

I have two avowed CF friends who I am confident won't try for kids. One I met through this forum, and we were both very upfront about our reasons for not having kids, which turned out to be very similar (don't need 'em, don't want 'em, no maternal instinct or inclination). Of course, since we met through this forum, the reasons were already out there.

My other CF friend and I are very close, and soon after we began our friendship we discussed our reasons for not having kids. Hers are the same as mine as well, and she is also very involved in her animals, and spends a lot of money on their care and feeding (horses and dogs), so she would probably have to make some lifestyle changes if she had kids and the associated expenses. Her animals are plenty for her and satisfy any maternal urges she has.

Cindy

I can truthfully say that MOST of our closest friends are CF - the parents we know are either relatives, neighbors or a few work friends (and we generally don't hang out with them). We've met them all through our rabbit rescue group. The group does include some parents and we are social with them, but usually only see them in a group setting.

Of the CF group, some are single women (one is 50 and divorced, one 40's never married/not interested, one mid-30's and still looking but ambivalent about kids).

With the CF couples we know, I've only actively talked about it with a few and they are all at least 40. I agree with Deborah that it becomes a less volatile subject as you age. (Even the bingoers in our family have stopped asking "when" - although I have been asked "did you EVER want kids.") The couple we are closest with, the wife has some health issues that don't preclude preg. but would make it unwise. Another couple is a second marriage, he has an adult son from his first (she jokes that she used to pray for the good health of his ex-wife so the son would never have to live with them!).

I guess I hesitate to ask some of the younger couples because in one case, I know there are health issues and don't want to cause undue hurt.

I feel VERY fortunate that most of our friends are CF for whatever reason.

I do want to add, when I meet someone who doesn't have kids, I would never ask them why or if they wanted kids. That's just not appropriate, and none of my business. My neighbor is single and doesn't have kids, and I don't know if that's because she didn't want them, never met someone to have kids with, or any other reason. I did hear her mutter under her breath once when we were both witnessing a kid having a meltdown "And people wonder why I don't want any" so I suspect she is CF, but I would never ask. She too has animals that are her children. She just turned 50 (and doesn't look anywhere close to that age) so childbearing is very unlikely for her at this point, even if she did meet someone and want them. She has a busy career that involves lots of travel, so that would be tough on motherhood as well.

Cindy

One of my music pals has no kids, and is exactly my age (41). I did ask her at one point where she and her hubby stand. She answered that kids are so expensive, and that she and her hubby are just barely comfortable, financially, and that otherwise, she'd have them.

She knows about the CF meetups I organize, and has always politely avoided the idea of going. She definitely doesn't identify as CF.

Sometimes I really want to ask, just because I think I want to find more people like me!!!

I do have one aunt (married to my uncle) who never had kids. They never wanted kids. I mean, they knew it would interrupt their lifestyle, and they never wanted it.

And yet she bingos me!!!