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My future MIL--At It Again #350717
10/29/07 01:42 PM
10/29/07 01:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 119
Buffalo, NY
T
TheBlonde135 Offline OP
Jellyfish
TheBlonde135  Offline OP
Jellyfish
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 119
Buffalo, NY
Hello all, I have posted before regarding my future MIL.

She wants grandchildren and is simply not afraid to let her two children (one being my SO, one being his older sis) know this.

Problem is, Older Sis does not appear to want children. Her Darling Little Boy has now chosen a woman (ME! yay!) that definitely does not want kids, either. I love 'em--my friends' kids are AWESOME, really--but I simply have no desire for my own, and as we ALL know, there is NOTHING wrong with that.

I told my SO-either you tell her to cut it out or I will--and so to preserve the peace and good relationship we've all developed, he advised his mom gently that I do not want children and that her comments were beginning to make me uncomfortable. It seemed to work, until she was looking through photographs that I have of my friend's baby this weekend. It was as if nothing was ever said, and she was spewing about grandkids again. His older sister seems to be used to it an unaffected, but I'm mildly annoyed, at best. I like this woman and would be pleased to have her as my MIL--she is sweet, cultured, enjoys sharing recipes with me and shopping, etc.--everything I've missed doing with my mom, who died when I was 20. I would hate to have our relationship end in a screaming match about this topic, but it's clearly my decision and she should be keeping her comments to herself. I have considered approaching his sister about this (we have a good relationship, too) and flat out asking her if she is as uncomfortable as me, or if she maybe does intend to have kids and just feels the topic is PRIVATE, as I do. Of course, that means I'm then invading her privacy. I have to spend a week at Thanksgiving with everyone, so I'd prefer to enjoy my vacation rather then defend the onslaught of baby talk. I just don't know what to do now, as the obvious solution of having my SO talk to his mom has already been done to no avail...

Help!

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Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: TheBlonde135] #350743
10/29/07 03:22 PM
10/29/07 03:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 120
K
Kt-n-Luke Offline
Jellyfish
Kt-n-Luke  Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 120
When the timing is right, I think my DH and I are going to sit down individually with each set of parents to let them know this is OUR decision and we're sticking with it. That should solidify things. I also hate the annoying comments and eventually expect them to stop altogether. I don't fully expect that to happen until we make an actual announcement to them. For whatever reason, some people just can't hold in the pestering! I feel for you!!


Katie
Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: Kt-n-Luke] #350746
10/29/07 03:53 PM
10/29/07 03:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 54
B
bobhope Offline
Amoeba
bobhope  Offline
Amoeba
B
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 54
We just keep telling our parents that neither of us is interested in kids now. I've even gotten the increased birth deffects with being over 30 talk from my mother in-law. My own mother knows that I don't really like being around kids for extended periods of time, and I'm sure that my mother in-law can sense this as well. If not she's on Mars at Thanksgiving each year.

My husband's best friend from when he was a kid and his wife are about 6 months pregnant right now. We haven't told my in-laws because they'll just start up again. I know they'll be annoyed when they eventually find out we haven't told them, but you do what you have to to keep from going crazy.

I have to admit the whole asking thing makes me uncomfortable. I just try to ignore it. They do ask less as time has gone on. What amazes me is that this seems to be such a focus for them. Don't they have anything more pressing to talk/think about?

My mother has quit discussing it since I've been more directly honest with her. My mother in-law is a bit more annoying, but I just try to ignore it and figure it's up to my husband to discuss anything he feels about the situation with them. I shouldn't have to handle both sides of the family with this. My in-laws know we don't want kids for the moment at least. To me this should be enough to get them off the topic, but then again sometimes I feel that I'm more polite and adept at social situations than they are at this point anyway. smile

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: bobhope] #350830
10/29/07 06:48 PM
10/29/07 06:48 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 351
Buffalo, NY
I
indigo2 Offline
Shark
indigo2  Offline
Shark
I
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 351
Buffalo, NY
that's interesting that you haven't told your in-laws about your friend. i have two friends who are preggers and i haven't told my mom yet either. even though i've made it clear to her that we aren't having kids and she took it as well as she could(i'm an only child so there goes her dream of grandkids)i still feel uncomfortable about telling her.i know i'll have to eventually esp. b/c i know my one friend will probably invite her to the baby shower. ugh!i'm already dreading that day!!!! i'm just glad i'm not alone in that.

i'll probably tell her next month. not looking forward to it though.

indigo

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: TheBlonde135] #350936
10/30/07 01:41 AM
10/30/07 01:41 AM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 862
Texas
Cookiecody Offline
Parakeet
Cookiecody  Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 862
Texas
Maybe you and your SO need to approach her together, as Kt-and-Luke mentioned above. I think this is even MORE inappropriate on your future MIL's part as you are not even married to her son yet! Talk about putting on the pressure! I mean, she could potentially "scare you off" from your SO. (Maybe that's her agenda, so he can meet a "grandchild producer"?) But maybe if you present a united front, in an unemotional, calm way, she will get the message a little better? Who knows, might be worth a try. I couldn't handle doing a weeklong visit defending my choice not to have children, myself.

Alternatively, perhaps you could say "That's really something I consider private and don't wish to discuss." Or some variation thereof. If you get really desperate, I'd talk to his sister and ask for her advice!

Good luck!
Cindy

Originally Posted By: TheBlonde135
Hello all, I have posted before regarding my future MIL.

She wants grandchildren and is simply not afraid to let her two children (one being my SO, one being his older sis) know this.

Problem is, Older Sis does not appear to want children. Her Darling Little Boy has now chosen a woman (ME! yay!) that definitely does not want kids, either. I love 'em--my friends' kids are AWESOME, really--but I simply have no desire for my own, and as we ALL know, there is NOTHING wrong with that.

I told my SO-either you tell her to cut it out or I will--and so to preserve the peace and good relationship we've all developed, he advised his mom gently that I do not want children and that her comments were beginning to make me uncomfortable. It seemed to work, until she was looking through photographs that I have of my friend's baby this weekend. It was as if nothing was ever said, and she was spewing about grandkids again. His older sister seems to be used to it an unaffected, but I'm mildly annoyed, at best. I like this woman and would be pleased to have her as my MIL--she is sweet, cultured, enjoys sharing recipes with me and shopping, etc.--everything I've missed doing with my mom, who died when I was 20. I would hate to have our relationship end in a screaming match about this topic, but it's clearly my decision and she should be keeping her comments to herself. I have considered approaching his sister about this (we have a good relationship, too) and flat out asking her if she is as uncomfortable as me, or if she maybe does intend to have kids and just feels the topic is PRIVATE, as I do. Of course, that means I'm then invading her privacy. I have to spend a week at Thanksgiving with everyone, so I'd prefer to enjoy my vacation rather then defend the onslaught of baby talk. I just don't know what to do now, as the obvious solution of having my SO talk to his mom has already been done to no avail...

Help!

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: TheBlonde135] #350951
10/30/07 03:27 AM
10/30/07 03:27 AM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 188
Los Alamos,NM, USA
M
Mike_e Offline
Jellyfish
Mike_e  Offline
Jellyfish
M
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 188
Los Alamos,NM, USA
Hey Blonde135,
I can certainly understand wanting to avoid a screaming match with your MIL. I have written previously about my kid crazy oldest brother. In previous posts, I have listed nasty comebacks & nosy questions I am prepared to fire back at him if he hassles me about my firm and permanent CF stance. My middle brother knows about my CF stance and he doesn�t care. Still I�d like to avoid the screaming match. My preferred tactic is to try changing the subject of discussion to something completely different. We don�t see each that often, but when we do we usually have a good time. I'll deal with my oldest brother if and when the issue arises. He has his hands full at the moment with a full time job, 3 teen age daughters, a 6 year old son and building an addition to his house. Could you simply tell your MIL politely but firmly something to the effect of, �BF and I don�t want to discuss our personal life with you or anyone else. Let�s talk about recipe�s, shopping, etc (all the things you enjoy doing together)�. I know I am preaching to the choir here, but if your MIL is that kid crazy, she can volunteer with a youth group, scout group, school, day care center, etc.

Mike


SCREW OPEC AND RIDE A BIKE!
Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: Mike_e] #350970
10/30/07 05:57 AM
10/30/07 05:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,112
L
Lisa_Orlando Offline
Parakeet
Lisa_Orlando  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,112
The first time I got married, I was only 22, my husband was 7 years older then me.
My MIL wanted grandchildren too but she was a horrifying woman. I didn't have my brain engaged enough to realize that marrying him meant she would be a horror in my life as long as I was with him.
I even had nightmares about being pregnant and having a child AND that woman being attached to me, trying to take my child, harassing me for not being a good enough Mother.
I was adamant about NOT having children because of this.

When we split up, I can't tell you how relieved I was to NOT see that woman anymore. I have yet to meet anyone near as nasty as she was. I would like to see her again one day, just to see if she has been able to maintain the same level of nastiness.

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: Lisa_Orlando] #351323
10/31/07 12:43 PM
10/31/07 12:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 119
Buffalo, NY
T
TheBlonde135 Offline OP
Jellyfish
TheBlonde135  Offline OP
Jellyfish
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 119
Buffalo, NY
I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Cookie, my cousin brought up the EXACT same point about us not being married (neither is his sister, for that matter...). However, it doesn't seem to make any difference. Every time one of his friends impregnates someone (mind you, three so far out of wedlock and one who actually decided to get married first) she goes absolutely baby bonkers, regardless of the fact that three of these kids will probably grow up in broken homes at some point. One of his friends wasn't even dating the girl (a la Knocked Up) and now they're making a go of it, which is respectable but the odds just aren't in their favor.

I have decided to take Friday's comments as a momentary lapse in judgment and give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe one glass of wine too many made her say something she will later realize she shouldn't have said. (haha! who's naive?) However, if the prodding continues, I will give my SO ONE more chance to make it stop before I intervene. I really, really hate confrontation and I would love to preserve the peace. However, I'm not going to be steamrolled and made to feel uncomfortable for the next 15 years (I'm the only person looking forward to being over 40...imagine that). Thanks for everyone's replies, it makes me so happy you all exist!

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: TheBlonde135] #351345
10/31/07 02:28 PM
10/31/07 02:28 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 862
Texas
Cookiecody Offline
Parakeet
Cookiecody  Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 862
Texas
I guess I'm old fashioned, but I guess I feel that IDEALLY (of course sometimes things aren't ideal) marriage comes before children.

When it comes down to it, frankly it is none of your future MIL's business whether you want to have children. It is nobody's obligation to provide her with grandchildren. How does she know you don't have a health issue that prevents you from getting pregnant? What if you did, and her comments hurt you every time she brought it up? And again, if you did have health issues, it would be none of her business. Sounds like she just needs more to keep her busy, and get this off her mind.

Cindy

Re: My future MIL--At It Again [Re: Cookiecody] #351353
10/31/07 02:49 PM
10/31/07 02:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 793
Calgary, Canada
P
Pikasam Offline
Gecko
Pikasam  Offline
Gecko
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 793
Calgary, Canada
It's beyond me why mothers and MIL's feel they have the right to be SO toxic.

I have a friend who got pregnant in her early 20's. Definitely unplanned, and she and the guy had a love/hate on/off thing for a couple of years when she came up pregnant. After much soul searching she decided that there wasn't a future in the relationship, she was straight out of school with student loans and couldn't make it work on her own, and the best thing all around was an abortion.

Her mother refused to talk to her for nearly a year. Apparently it wasn't permitted for her to deprive her mother of her grandchild. Even though it would have completely screwed the lives of the two parents.

WTF??

Anyway, they eventually made up, my friend married in February and her mother will get her wish in January next year. She doesn't realise how lucky she is. If she'd been my mother, I stil wouldn't be talking to her.

Last edited by Pikasam; 10/31/07 02:51 PM.

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