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OK - so I married a man who had a porn problem that I thought wasn't as bad as it really was. I made him throw out his porn so we could focus on us and nothing has changed. I am 35 and TOTALLY in my prime. He is saying he is suffering from E.D. - but that doesn't stop him from his morning palm reading. We have slept in seperate beds and rooms since we were married due to his leg an accident and at the same time, I had a C-section and was recovering slowly along with post-par depression. It's been 3.5 years since the baby was born and we have had sex maybe 3 times of which it was all about him. He has also shot up to 400 lbs and smokes and doesn't want to change. He freaks at the thought of me with someone else and if I bring up sex, he has a fit and states that I am not being sensitive about his 'problem'. He's white/Italian and I am mixed 1/2 lack 1/2 white. We have known eachother since pre-school and he is my brothers best friend. He would never divorce me or cheat or leave me, so with that I feel stuck and I can feel the resentment growing. The thing is I have a good life and he is a good provider and good father. I have everything else but that closeness and I don't think I want it anymore with him but I feel like I am stuck for my sons sake. I don't know. He was never really AMAZING in bed. He said to me he use to do 'things' but now it makes him gag. he had over 60 pornos but when it comes to me he plays stupid or acts like he's upset. My attraction to him has just been next to nothing. He tries to kiss me or hug ma and it's ok but for the most part I am just getting by day by day and wondering how this could be my life?

So, the other day I met someone who was totally into me. I mean calls me and texts me and is just really hot - Richard Gere all the way with hazel eyes and a nice everything. He's also married but we are just so into eachother that I know I will sleep with if the chance comes up. He makes me feel like my husband never did, not even when we were dating. He is just the kind of man that you want to just look at and smile.

My question is, can an affair help a marriage? I know this man can't give me what my husband gives me but he can give me what my husband can't. I don't think my husband cheats or would ever. die hard old school Italian he is but to be honest if he did cheat I would be ok with it. I have friends with open marriages and my husband thinks it's sick, so i know he would never go for it. I feel stuck and cheated out of sexual happiness. I don't care who says what, toys don't replace touching and whispers and the closeness shared from great sex.

I just don't what to do anymore. Would this be good for me? Any advise out there please?????


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Koala
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If you are that unhappy in the marrage end it! an affair will not help you or your marrage. talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and that things have to change or you are living him because you you have been thinking of cheating and if things dont change you will seek a divorce lawyer.

I would not cheat it never ends well for anyone!

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Some men (and womem, too) seem attracted to pronagraphy because it isn't real sex. Since the never have to perform - they can't be judged or found lacking. Masturbation doesn't count, because there is no one else to lay judgement.

It sounds like your husband may be one of these types.

You having a C-section and then PPD may have pushed his panic button even farther. Now he's not only scared of not performing, but also of hurting you.

Before you jump into an affair, please consider some serious counseling with your husband. He probably needs some personal counseling as well. Before the touting of Viagra and other drugs like that, doctors actually would try to find out the reason for a man's ED, and try to work on that as opposed to just the symptoms.

I am on my 2nd marriage. My first one fell apart (partially) because we tried to do an open marriage thing, and then both wound up haveing affairs. Instead of looking at what was causing our sex life to not be happy - we jusdt looked for ways to "spice it up". Going down this road, especially if your underlying feelings are ones of hurt and neglect, will more than likely end in divorce.

It is much better to at least try to work through counseling, before going on to something more drastic.


Michelle Taylor
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Very Wise and well spoken!!! I was trying to get that out but...didnt come out right!

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It's hard for me to write about sometimes, because I still feel so guilty and shameful of the part I played in it. But if someone else can learn from my mistakes - they are welcome to "stand on my shoulders".


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You are my hero!!!

Last edited by freebubbles3; 10/26/07 11:27 PM.
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wow - the porn thing was pretty much on the nose. he has said that to me about being judged. but as far as therapy, he won't go with me any more. he won't go by himself either. he doesn't think there is a problem and so i go alone and just owrk on me. i am totaly afraid of divorce and where i will be without his support. i do love him but not in love with him and i do care for and about him but i don't care to be with him. very mixed feelings and now with a child and house and things we own and such, it just seems like divorce would be very messy and troublesome. i just don't know. i have spoken to him and with him and at him to get my feelings but if i threaten him with divorce, better be ready to back it u and where i am at right now with a new business and new house, i am not ready to be on my own. i didn't just didn't think marriage was so efen hard - my parents made it look so easy and then their divorce was a total nightmare. i just don't know.

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No affair can repair a marriage. It would destroy it.

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A marrage is a lot of work and it takes two to make it work! love is not a feeling it is a choice and an action! are you willing to choose to love your husband and get through this together? is he?

you cant make him choose to love you and you cant fix a marrage when the other is not willing to help.....

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No matter what you say about being afraid of getting a divorce, the truth is that a divorce is really what is needed if something isn't done soon.

He needs to seek the help of a urologist to check out all "equipment." I suggest a urologist because they are trained in all health problems of the male genitalia both inside and out. Has your husband ever had a prostate exam? He needs a physical first before anything else.Then, definitely some form of counseling.

Best of luck!


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Hi to all and thanks for the help here. My husband has never been to a urologist and would never go. He is really a nice guy but has this very big pride and ego thing. He a C.O. and is used to telling inmates what to do and sometimes that attitude carries into home life and if it is something I ask him to do for his own good that he would totally not do on his own, he just won't do it. Everyone says divorce but that is not an option right now. As for love and making the choice to get thru this, I have been getting though this for 3 years - HONORING MY VOWS AND UNDERSTANDING HIS PROBLEMS. He chooses not to understand mine so how much longer am I supposed to wait it out? How many women out there could go 3 long years with just the electric company every now and then? everything else in out relationship is just fine, just no sex and I feel like I should be ashamed for asking or complaining about the lack of it. Am I the only one out here in this situtation?
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS SHARED THEIR THOUGHTS AND HELP. THIS IS AN AMAZING SITE AND I AM GREATFUL FOR ALL OF THE ADVICE. Gods Blessings to you this holiday season.

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You shouldn't be embarassed about needing and wanting sex, that is natural and healthy. Living without it is difficult and even courts will grant a divorce on the grounds of lack of conjugal activity.

If divorce is not an option, and your husband will not go for a physical or counseling, then the only other alternative is to keep living the way you have been doing.

You can try to live as full a life as you can. The idea is to be good to yourself and try to make your life full in other ways.
Get counseling for yourself; it will help.

Good luck and blessings,

Last edited by kristen houghton; 10/27/07 12:23 PM.

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I feel for you, I couldn't live with that as long as you have but I wouldn't be able to have an affair either. He would either have to get some help or I would leave him. But thats how I am. What works for me is not necessarily the right thing for someone else. I think your the only one who can know whats right for you.

Personally I think you having an affair could make things a whole lot worse for you. Your husband already sounds like he is in denial, if you were to have an affair and he find out, I can't imagine what that would do to him mentally. Not too mention the harm your going to do the other marriage, the one of the man your interested in.

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I don't have any life changing advice to give, but I wanted you to know that I can identify and understand what you are going through. You however are a much stronger person than I.......good for you for staying true to your marriage thus far.

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Keep in mind that if it does come down to a divorce in the end; the fact that you have stayed true during years of porn and his rigidness will help you out. However, if you do have an affair, thst can be held against you.

And they are getting women for spousal support these days.

I am not one to normally advise divorce, but if he is unwilling to make, not inly changes, but even attempts - then I think you might do yourself better by getting out. A marriage takes 2 people, and he is not holding up his end. You will (and may already) be exhausted trying to uphold both ends of the marriage.

It is very scary going it alone, I know - I've been there. But at least there is hope then, which is a much lighter place to be overall.


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Is it possible that because of his interest in porn, he's having difficulty adjusting to regular, real world love-making?

Have you tried keeping things interesting? Perhaps a sexy outfit?

Try sitting down and having an ADULT conversation. Men can be stubborn children, sometimes. He needs to know you're unhappy with the situation. If you're married, you should be able to communicate.

I don't advise cheating, especially if you really love your husband. Is it possible HE is having an affair?

There are many questions. I'm afraid the only way to get any answers is to go to the source. If he is unwilling to compromise, etc. it may be time for a divorce.

Good luck to you!


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It would be very easy to say that you are putting sex on a higher level of importance than all the other things he gives you...but this is clearly a sign of other problems.
Personally, as my marriage is now, if we couldn't/didn't have sex again, I would still be happy and just as in love with my hubby as I am today(as long as the reason wasn't something emotional). If it's really the sex or the release, you can always...take care of yourself. But the issue here sounds like your husband. He doesn't really care about you or your needs, and I have a feeling it extends beyond sex(as these issues so often do).
If he's not willing to go to counseling or even acknowledge there is a problem, I would say divorce is your only option. Cheating will never fix anything. You say divorce isn't an option right now, but cheating is?? You just have to figure what are you capable of handling. A divorce, and the option of finding someone who does care about you and your needs and concerns, or would you rather stay as you are? Only you can decide that. Don't stay together because of your kid. Your kid will not thank you for it in the long run. And maybe a serious threat of divorce is enough to wake up your husband...who knows.

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I've read that addiction to pornography is on the increase thanks to the internet. Apparently, men become incapable of engaging in a real sexual relationship...I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not sure why that happens. Whether they become obsessed with fantasy or the thrill of something different? Not sure - I would have thought the real thing would always be better.
I do remember reading though that it's a problem that can't be sorted out by the man - he would need professional help. Once established behaviour - it's not easily turned around.
He might be resistant to getting treatment for many reasons - maybe he's happy with the current situation or embarrassed to admit he has a problem. If he knows you've had enough and will leave him if things don't improve - maybe that will shock him into getting treatment. Perhaps, a trial separation until he gets help.
A marriage is supposed to meet the needs of both parties - at the moment he's not meeting your needs or even making an effort to do so...
Good luck - hope things improve for you.

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Cheating will only make matters worse for you. You're young and you deserve a life but cheating is not the way to go. Morality aside, if you have an affair, you're just creating another problem. You are attracted to this other man because obviously you need the attention. It isn't love.

After re-reading your posts, I think there's more here than is obvious at first. You are not in a good and happy place and your husband is doing nothing to change thigs for the better.

Divorce is frightening, divorce is at times overwhelming, but divorce may be the only way to go. You are living a half-life.



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What happened to those vowels for better or worse? What if he was in an accident!! It doesn't give "you" the right to cheat.
If you can't keep your faithfulness.. than.. divorce. Not an option well than "still" don't cheat or you are as wrong as he. You know that is a cop out to cheat. I have Old Fashioned values maybe not what you want to hear. Yes, there are others who have gone much longer that you with sex in a marriage. Grind and bare or GET THE DIVORCE. If you start cheating you will continue. Now, there is another solution. Play toys. Use them if you can't divorce him for whatever reason.

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I sympathize with you. I really do. My boyfriend is a type 1 diabetic and he DOES suffer from E.D. But that doesn't give ME the right to go out and cheat. You say he was never AMAZING in bed to begin with and if sex is such an issue for you then why did you marry him? There is more to a marriage.... a relationship... than sex. You also made a point to say that he "shot up to 400 pounds and smokes". Hun if you are not happy with all that then there is NO reason to cheat. Just get divorced! Its not fair to him. You say he is a good provider and a great father. Then stop taking advantage of him and leave! You are obviously content with the way he supports you and your child. But if you are thinking of straying to a point where you already know that you would if given the chance something is seriously wrong. You obviously don't love this man anymore. Let him go then. Someone out there WILL love him the way he deserves to be loved. Me and my guy have issues from time to time. Pull out a toy and let him watch. (sorry if thats too graphic for some) That gives YOU the pleasure of knowing he IS involved. Brad Pitt could walk by me naked and yeah I may look but never touch. You can't even say that about some random guy you met! Its time to let go girl!


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Being a Christian, I am against the whole porn thing and the cheating thing. Of course there was a time in my life when I took part in both. I am not proud of it but it happened and I regret it but I cannot change it.

The lack of sex could be that he is embarassed about his body and is afraid that seeing him naked or being with him while he is naked and is afraid that it will turn you off. I know, my wife is like that. She is a large woman and we will have been married for five years this December and she has never let me see her naked. It doesn't matter how much I tell her that I do not care about her size and it doesn't matter how much I tell her I love her, she is very uncomfortable about her body.

Maybe you could rent a porn movie or something, get naked or dress in some sexy lingerie and ask him if he wants to watch it with you and then see if you "can get him to rise to the occasion". If that works then some night if you guys are ever just sitting there watching television together, just do things that may get him aroused and see what happens.

I agree with everyone else that divorcing him would be less hurtful than sneaking out behind his back and having an affair and then him possibly finding out about it.

Maybe you two could go see a sex therapist or something too.


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I own a vacation home near a state prison in california. I do have a friend married to a correctional officer there. I do know that many correctional officers both male and female have affairs at work with each other. He could possibly have a lover or girlfriend if he isn't having sex with you. Prison work changes people like war does. Many many marriages to correctional officers end in divorce because they do tend to bring their work home with them. My friend found out that her husband was cheating on her with another coworker at the prison and she checked into divorce but he made really good money and she would lose a lot by seperating and eventually divorcing him. Her husband's playmate at the prison is also married to another correctional officer but her husband worked at another prison and they didn't see each other much. Although you are going through rough times just listen to what your heart says. I wish you the best and hopefully everything will work out fine.

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