BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Sexless Marriage for 3 years...is cheating OK?

Hi to all and thanks for the help here. My husband has never been to a urologist and would never go. He is really a nice guy but has this very big pride and ego thing. He a C.O. and is used to telling inmates what to do and sometimes that attitude carries into home life and if it is something I ask him to do for his own good that he would totally not do on his own, he just won't do it. Everyone says divorce but that is not an option right now. As for love and making the choice to get thru this, I have been getting though this for 3 years - HONORING MY VOWS AND UNDERSTANDING HIS PROBLEMS. He chooses not to understand mine so how much longer am I supposed to wait it out? How many women out there could go 3 long years with just the electric company every now and then? everything else in out relationship is just fine, just no sex and I feel like I should be ashamed for asking or complaining about the lack of it. Am I the only one out here in this situtation?
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS SHARED THEIR THOUGHTS AND HELP. THIS IS AN AMAZING SITE AND I AM GREATFUL FOR ALL OF THE ADVICE. Gods Blessings to you this holiday season.

You shouldn't be embarassed about needing and wanting sex, that is natural and healthy. Living without it is difficult and even courts will grant a divorce on the grounds of lack of conjugal activity.

If divorce is not an option, and your husband will not go for a physical or counseling, then the only other alternative is to keep living the way you have been doing.

You can try to live as full a life as you can. The idea is to be good to yourself and try to make your life full in other ways.
Get counseling for yourself; it will help.

Good luck and blessings,

I feel for you, I couldn't live with that as long as you have but I wouldn't be able to have an affair either. He would either have to get some help or I would leave him. But thats how I am. What works for me is not necessarily the right thing for someone else. I think your the only one who can know whats right for you.

Personally I think you having an affair could make things a whole lot worse for you. Your husband already sounds like he is in denial, if you were to have an affair and he find out, I can't imagine what that would do to him mentally. Not too mention the harm your going to do the other marriage, the one of the man your interested in.

I don't have any life changing advice to give, but I wanted you to know that I can identify and understand what you are going through. You however are a much stronger person than I.......good for you for staying true to your marriage thus far.

Keep in mind that if it does come down to a divorce in the end; the fact that you have stayed true during years of porn and his rigidness will help you out. However, if you do have an affair, thst can be held against you.

And they are getting women for spousal support these days.

I am not one to normally advise divorce, but if he is unwilling to make, not inly changes, but even attempts - then I think you might do yourself better by getting out. A marriage takes 2 people, and he is not holding up his end. You will (and may already) be exhausted trying to uphold both ends of the marriage.

It is very scary going it alone, I know - I've been there. But at least there is hope then, which is a much lighter place to be overall.

Is it possible that because of his interest in porn, he's having difficulty adjusting to regular, real world love-making?

Have you tried keeping things interesting? Perhaps a sexy outfit?

Try sitting down and having an ADULT conversation. Men can be stubborn children, sometimes. He needs to know you're unhappy with the situation. If you're married, you should be able to communicate.

I don't advise cheating, especially if you really love your husband. Is it possible HE is having an affair?

There are many questions. I'm afraid the only way to get any answers is to go to the source. If he is unwilling to compromise, etc. it may be time for a divorce.

Good luck to you!

It would be very easy to say that you are putting sex on a higher level of importance than all the other things he gives you...but this is clearly a sign of other problems.
Personally, as my marriage is now, if we couldn't/didn't have sex again, I would still be happy and just as in love with my hubby as I am today(as long as the reason wasn't something emotional). If it's really the sex or the release, you can always...take care of yourself. But the issue here sounds like your husband. He doesn't really care about you or your needs, and I have a feeling it extends beyond sex(as these issues so often do).
If he's not willing to go to counseling or even acknowledge there is a problem, I would say divorce is your only option. Cheating will never fix anything. You say divorce isn't an option right now, but cheating is?? You just have to figure what are you capable of handling. A divorce, and the option of finding someone who does care about you and your needs and concerns, or would you rather stay as you are? Only you can decide that. Don't stay together because of your kid. Your kid will not thank you for it in the long run. And maybe a serious threat of divorce is enough to wake up your husband...who knows.

I've read that addiction to pornography is on the increase thanks to the internet. Apparently, men become incapable of engaging in a real sexual relationship...I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not sure why that happens. Whether they become obsessed with fantasy or the thrill of something different? Not sure - I would have thought the real thing would always be better.
I do remember reading though that it's a problem that can't be sorted out by the man - he would need professional help. Once established behaviour - it's not easily turned around.
He might be resistant to getting treatment for many reasons - maybe he's happy with the current situation or embarrassed to admit he has a problem. If he knows you've had enough and will leave him if things don't improve - maybe that will shock him into getting treatment. Perhaps, a trial separation until he gets help.
A marriage is supposed to meet the needs of both parties - at the moment he's not meeting your needs or even making an effort to do so...
Good luck - hope things improve for you.

Cheating will only make matters worse for you. You're young and you deserve a life but cheating is not the way to go. Morality aside, if you have an affair, you're just creating another problem. You are attracted to this other man because obviously you need the attention. It isn't love.

After re-reading your posts, I think there's more here than is obvious at first. You are not in a good and happy place and your husband is doing nothing to change thigs for the better.

Divorce is frightening, divorce is at times overwhelming, but divorce may be the only way to go. You are living a half-life.

What happened to those vowels for better or worse? What if he was in an accident!! It doesn't give "you" the right to cheat.
If you can't keep your faithfulness.. than.. divorce. Not an option well than "still" don't cheat or you are as wrong as he. You know that is a cop out to cheat. I have Old Fashioned values maybe not what you want to hear. Yes, there are others who have gone much longer that you with sex in a marriage. Grind and bare or GET THE DIVORCE. If you start cheating you will continue. Now, there is another solution. Play toys. Use them if you can't divorce him for whatever reason.