If I were you, to settle things in your own mind, I would try to get a glance of them together. I bet you would see a woman who has NO IDEA her marriage is over.
I don't know how I could see them together. I saw her the other day and she is still wearing her wedding/ engagement rings. It broke my heart when I saw that, because I realized that something was really funny about this picture and that she obviously still considers herself married to him and feels he has some obligations to her, even though he's moved out. That's when I started to tell him I no longer wanted to see him because I felt so bad.
I really wish I could talk to her and find out what's going on from her point of view. At this point it's not that I want him to hurry and get divorced so that we can be together (which is what I wanted at first, when I thought it was mutual... I didn't understand the hold-up), it's that I want to understand what has really been going on and I want to know if there was any chance for them to reconcile and if I screwed that up. But I *DON'T* want to know because I don't know if I could live with myself if I found out I was partly responsible for breaking up a 15 year marriage.He is an adulterer, he has been manipulating you AND lying to you.
I don't want to think that he's been telling me lies and I've been duped. I always thought he was very honest with me even when it wouldn't make me happy. I really thought he was a good person. But now I just don't know what to think. I was always confused about what was going on on her end because in the beginning he told me she was planning to move to the state where she's from or to the next town over where she owns property (which of course I *wanted* to believe, because it would be a lot easier to never have to see her), and now he said one of the hang-ups to the divorce filing is that she's seeing a financial consultant because she wants to buy him out of his half of their house and stay right there in the house they bought right after they got married. I don't understand how she could go from wanting to get the hell out of dodge to now wanting to stay in the same place.
He would tell me at various points that she did not want to get divorced -- that she gave him a book about common problems like theirs that married couples have and how they can work them out, which also broke my heart -- and then that she had accepted the fact that a divorce is best and was ready to file. I always figured that she was in turmoil and that she *logically* knew they needed to get divorced but *emotionally* felt torn about ending something that had lasted so long (and that's what he would tell me too).
But about a week and a half ago, after the FIRST time I tried to break it off with him, he started saying things that made me think, for the first time (I guess I'm just naive and it took me so long to figure it out) that he was lying to me. I told him he kept telling me he would be divorced in a week or two, week after week, and that I could no longer put my life on hold for such a shaky timescale. Right after I left his house from telling him that, he sent me a text message saying, "You'll never believe the conversation I just had with [his wife]." I called him (stupidly, after vowing to myself to have no contact with him) and he told me that she had just called him (his phone had rung when I was over there and he said it had been her calling and he'd called her back after I left... so that part might be true) and she said that she had signed the divorce papers and was anxious to file them on Monday (this would have been not yesterday but a week ago -- which didn't happen) because she was "interested" in a guy in the next town over (where he said she had originally said she was going to move.)
This just did not make sense to me. How had she gone from dragging her feet about signing the papers and urging counseling, etc., to WANTING to sign the papers? And what 50-year-old woman is suddenly anxious to end her 15-year marriage that she had been trying to save because she "likes" a new guy? I felt he was lying to me but I didn't tell him that, I told him that makes no sense (he was like, "I know... it's so bizarre!") and that it still doesn't make me feel any better because now I feel like because she
is ready to get divorced, they're getting divorced, and it all depends on her, which doesn't make me feel like a big priority and it doesn't make him sound very decisive or strong.
So the next day he told me that the reason she was in a hurry to get divorced wasn't
really because of the sudden new guy, but because he had finally had to tell her some "hard truths" like the fact that he no longer had any feelings for her. I figured he told me this to counter my position that he was not taking action and leaving it all up to her, but it just disgusted me that he was just telling her NOW that he had no feelings for her (months after he'd been sleeping/ in a relationship with another woman -- me
) and it also made me question more whether they had really been separated from the get-go. Wouldn't they have already had this conversation a long time ago if they had truly been separated? The fact that he had just told her that now (if that's even true) showed me that this whole time she had been thinking he still had some feelings for her (obviously she would think that after being married to him for so long) and that there was still a chance of reconciliation.
So anyway for all these reasons and more, I just want out of this, I don't know the extent of his lies and I always truly thought he was a good person who wouldn't be manipulative or deceitful. But at this point I don't care what's true and what's a lie, and I don't even know anymore if I want to be with him after he gets divorced (if he ever does) because I just feel so disgusted with how he's been acting to both me and her. Mostly I feel very bad because what I DO know is that she doesn't want divorced, and I feel like I've been doing the wrong thing from the beginning but I just realized it a couple months ago because I was so dumb all along.Is he someone you report to?
In a way. We work on a huge project together that he is in charge of and I am third chair on. He became my unofficial mentor in the beginning when we were working so closely together (I always knew he helped me so much at work but now I realize it's just because he was attracted to me and I feel like Evita or something). Then the company saw how much it helped me learn and they ironically put him in charge of setting up a formal mentor program for all the new people to be matched up with experienced people... and he of course is my formal mentor, so we have to have meetings and stuff about all my projects and people go to him if they have anything to say about my work and he reports on my work to the bosses. He is also a big part of the evaluation process about whether or not I get a raise or bonuses, etc.
The funny this is the timing. I've been thinking of breaking it off with him for quite some time and then for the past couple of weeks I've been trying and failing, and there always seemed to be some reason to wait... like a work activity or outside activitiy (we were both also involved in some of the same athletic groups with work and the community) or something at work I thought I needed his help/ advice with etc. Well I finally realized I do NOT need him for anything and I did just fine without him before (although he did really help me learn a lot at work) and I don't need to be involved in any activities that he is anymore, etc., so I just cut off all communication with him except when he tries to invent work-related reasons to come to my office and talk to me, even though there's a meeting of all the big wigs this Saturday where they will be deciding my raise along with others. I'm kind of afraid he'll start disapproving of my work but I don't even care... I think he's a good person who wouldn't do that (but who knows, I thought he was a good person about other things, too) and I think he knows it would ruin any chance of ever being with me, and no matter what I have to get out of this more than I care about that. Part of me feels like I deserve whatever happens at work because I was stupid enough to get involved in this.
About a month ago I was presented with an opportunity to change fields within my same company, and it involves training under a new "mentor" of sorts, in a totally different area than my ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was) works in, so I took it because I realized I may soon need space from him at work. I'm hoping that it's my saving grace because even if things get so messy that I can't work at all with my ex-boyfriend anymore, it won't matter because a new guy is in charge of training/ evaluating me. So I think I might try focusing even more on the new area and trying to ignore him at work as much as possible. If that doesn't work I'm not afraid to find a new job, preferably in a new city because the only reason I stayed here when I got done with school was my job offer, and I would love to move away and also completely get away from him and this situation.
THANK YOU so much Lisa for all your help and advice. I feel like you really know where I'm coming from. I'm sorry to ramble so much but there are so many different thoughts going on in my head and I can't talk to anyone in real life.
I did start seeing a therapist and she said the same thing as you -- that he is not a good person and that I should stay away from him.