BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Dating a separated man... ending it for now :(

I'm 25 and I've been dating a 45 year old man at work for over 7 months. When we first got involved he told me he was separated pending divorce, and that he and his wife of 15 years (they have no kids) had decided awhile ago to get divorced and that it was mutual. He said it had been over between them for a long time and they both knew they wanted out.

I began to realize it was not that mutual because at first he was still living with her in their house, although in a separate bedroom/ wing of the house. He also had to sneak around to be with me and I thought that if he was really separated with a mutual intent to divorce, he would not have to do that b/c she would realize he might be dating. After a couple months (in May) he moved "temporarily" into a furnished condo belonging to his friend's out-of-town parents, but he left a lot of his stuff and his dogs at the house he owns with his wife. He kept looking for a more "permanent" place where he can bring his dogs but his living (and storage) situation remains the same. No one knows about us except for my sister who lives in another state.

I felt (and feel) very guilty because I realized that things were not as they had seemed in the beginning. I did not look at the facts closely enough because I *wanted* him to be mutually separated pending divorce. I don't think he purposefully lied to me or strung me along, but I think he was also pretty naive and dillusional about the actual status of his marriage and what it would take to get divorced. They have still not filed for divorce although every week he tells me it will be a week or two and gives me things she says they have to do first (such as selling property and seeing a financial consultant etc.) He said he does not want to push things and make things "messy", he wants to do things the way she wants (but the problem is, I realize now, she doesn't want a divorce, so nothing is getting done.)

I began to feel like I was waiting on her to accept getting divorced, because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, and I also felt very guilty once I realized that she doesn't really want to get divorced. I'm also afraid I might become bitter and resentful at him for making it seem like he was a lot less attached and a lot more availabe than he really is. He tells me that he does not consider himself "married" and hasn't for some time. And yet he says he loves me and wants to marry me (I've never been married), and I start to feel upset that he can so easily disregard a marriage of 15 years and tell me he wants to marry me while he's still technically married (even though he doesn't feel like it). I know that this transition is hard and it takes time and I was really trying to be understanding, but I was also feeling like I was being eaten alive by guilt and unhappiness, so I needed out.

Anyway, I broke it off with him and told him I can't see him anymore until his divorce is finalized. I first tried to do this a few times a couple weeks ago and I'm finally at the point where I'm doing it (just ignoring him, basically) no matter what he does or says. He is taking it very hard, and saying I've abandoned him when he needs me most, and that if I have strong feelings for him like he has for me, how can I not wait "a few more days" until he files for divorce? I told him that he was making me more upset by not understanding that I can't do this anymore and that what I need is peace, and he is not letting me have it. (He was calling me nightly at 2, 3, 5 in the morning and leaving me voicemails saying he couldn't sleep, and asking me to meet with him to explain face to face why I didn't want to be with him anymore, and then he would cry and I would feel very bad and end up spending time with him so that he would not be so upset.) So this weekend he finally apologized and said he "got it" and he agrees. But since then it's like he's been in denial, he's very happy and he continues to find things to talk to me about and ask me if I want to do things with him, AFTER I repeatedly told him I couldn't see him anymore until his divorce.

I know I got myself into this mess because I work with him and I should have just stayed away. I feel so stupid and guilty and depressed. I have to see him every day at work and he is high up with the company whereas I am new and just starting out. Do you think I should try to find a new job? The prospect sounds horrible because other than him, I love working here and there is nowhere else I know of to go (although I can look). Or should I just stay here and try to completely ignore him, or try to be civilized and professional? I feel like I let myself down because I was in school for my whole life until now, and I finally finished and got a good job and now I blew it by falling in love with someone I work with who I can't be with (at least not now). I feel guilty and like I will never be able to accept the fact that I had an affair with a married man, even though at first I really thought he was separated and on his way to a divorce and that she was fine with it. (I should add that she is in the same profession and is not hurting financially etc.) How can I get him to accept that this is no longer working for me and that I need time apart if it is ever to work at all between us? I would appreciate any advice from any one who has been in a similar situation or is just smarter than I am. Thank you in advance. ~Nadia.

I am so sorry you are going through something like this. I am 40 years old and let me share some hard earned experience with you. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...its a duck. He is an adulterer, he has been manipulating you AND lying to you. I would BET my house that his wife has no idea of 90% of the things he has told you.

His plaintive phone calls, more attempts to manipulate you, the attention at work like nothing is wrong, more attempts to manipulate you.

Even if he comes back to tell you they have filed, I would firstly demand a copy of the paperwork with the notary and dates on it AND then tell him that once its finalized, he can call you.

IF you are uncomfortable at work, then start looking for another job. Things could get worse at work, it wouldn't hurt to look around and see whats out there, even if things havne't really gotten to the boiling point yet.

There is a segment of the male population who can look a woman right in the eye and tell the most outrageous lies. In his mind because its something he has thought about, its fair game to tell you its happened.

If I were you, to settle things in your own mind, I would try to get a glance of them together. I bet you would see a woman who has NO IDEA her marriage is over.

Don't beat yourself up over this, he is taking advantage of you, he was the older person and I assume at this company longer, he should have known better.

Is he someone you report to?

If I were you, to settle things in your own mind, I would try to get a glance of them together. I bet you would see a woman who has NO IDEA her marriage is over.

I don't know how I could see them together. I saw her the other day and she is still wearing her wedding/ engagement rings. It broke my heart when I saw that, because I realized that something was really funny about this picture and that she obviously still considers herself married to him and feels he has some obligations to her, even though he's moved out. That's when I started to tell him I no longer wanted to see him because I felt so bad.

I really wish I could talk to her and find out what's going on from her point of view. At this point it's not that I want him to hurry and get divorced so that we can be together (which is what I wanted at first, when I thought it was mutual... I didn't understand the hold-up), it's that I want to understand what has really been going on and I want to know if there was any chance for them to reconcile and if I screwed that up. But I *DON'T* want to know because I don't know if I could live with myself if I found out I was partly responsible for breaking up a 15 year marriage.

He is an adulterer, he has been manipulating you AND lying to you.

I don't want to think that he's been telling me lies and I've been duped. I always thought he was very honest with me even when it wouldn't make me happy. I really thought he was a good person. But now I just don't know what to think. I was always confused about what was going on on her end because in the beginning he told me she was planning to move to the state where she's from or to the next town over where she owns property (which of course I *wanted* to believe, because it would be a lot easier to never have to see her), and now he said one of the hang-ups to the divorce filing is that she's seeing a financial consultant because she wants to buy him out of his half of their house and stay right there in the house they bought right after they got married. I don't understand how she could go from wanting to get the hell out of dodge to now wanting to stay in the same place.

He would tell me at various points that she did not want to get divorced -- that she gave him a book about common problems like theirs that married couples have and how they can work them out, which also broke my heart -- and then that she had accepted the fact that a divorce is best and was ready to file. I always figured that she was in turmoil and that she *logically* knew they needed to get divorced but *emotionally* felt torn about ending something that had lasted so long (and that's what he would tell me too).

But about a week and a half ago, after the FIRST time I tried to break it off with him, he started saying things that made me think, for the first time (I guess I'm just naive and it took me so long to figure it out) that he was lying to me. I told him he kept telling me he would be divorced in a week or two, week after week, and that I could no longer put my life on hold for such a shaky timescale. Right after I left his house from telling him that, he sent me a text message saying, "You'll never believe the conversation I just had with [his wife]." I called him (stupidly, after vowing to myself to have no contact with him) and he told me that she had just called him (his phone had rung when I was over there and he said it had been her calling and he'd called her back after I left... so that part might be true) and she said that she had signed the divorce papers and was anxious to file them on Monday (this would have been not yesterday but a week ago -- which didn't happen) because she was "interested" in a guy in the next town over (where he said she had originally said she was going to move.)

This just did not make sense to me. How had she gone from dragging her feet about signing the papers and urging counseling, etc., to WANTING to sign the papers? And what 50-year-old woman is suddenly anxious to end her 15-year marriage that she had been trying to save because she "likes" a new guy? I felt he was lying to me but I didn't tell him that, I told him that makes no sense (he was like, "I know... it's so bizarre!") and that it still doesn't make me feel any better because now I feel like because she is ready to get divorced, they're getting divorced, and it all depends on her, which doesn't make me feel like a big priority and it doesn't make him sound very decisive or strong.

So the next day he told me that the reason she was in a hurry to get divorced wasn't really because of the sudden new guy, but because he had finally had to tell her some "hard truths" like the fact that he no longer had any feelings for her. I figured he told me this to counter my position that he was not taking action and leaving it all up to her, but it just disgusted me that he was just telling her NOW that he had no feelings for her (months after he'd been sleeping/ in a relationship with another woman -- me ) and it also made me question more whether they had really been separated from the get-go. Wouldn't they have already had this conversation a long time ago if they had truly been separated? The fact that he had just told her that now (if that's even true) showed me that this whole time she had been thinking he still had some feelings for her (obviously she would think that after being married to him for so long) and that there was still a chance of reconciliation.

So anyway for all these reasons and more, I just want out of this, I don't know the extent of his lies and I always truly thought he was a good person who wouldn't be manipulative or deceitful. But at this point I don't care what's true and what's a lie, and I don't even know anymore if I want to be with him after he gets divorced (if he ever does) because I just feel so disgusted with how he's been acting to both me and her. Mostly I feel very bad because what I DO know is that she doesn't want divorced, and I feel like I've been doing the wrong thing from the beginning but I just realized it a couple months ago because I was so dumb all along.

Is he someone you report to?

In a way. We work on a huge project together that he is in charge of and I am third chair on. He became my unofficial mentor in the beginning when we were working so closely together (I always knew he helped me so much at work but now I realize it's just because he was attracted to me and I feel like Evita or something). Then the company saw how much it helped me learn and they ironically put him in charge of setting up a formal mentor program for all the new people to be matched up with experienced people... and he of course is my formal mentor, so we have to have meetings and stuff about all my projects and people go to him if they have anything to say about my work and he reports on my work to the bosses. He is also a big part of the evaluation process about whether or not I get a raise or bonuses, etc.

The funny this is the timing. I've been thinking of breaking it off with him for quite some time and then for the past couple of weeks I've been trying and failing, and there always seemed to be some reason to wait... like a work activity or outside activitiy (we were both also involved in some of the same athletic groups with work and the community) or something at work I thought I needed his help/ advice with etc. Well I finally realized I do NOT need him for anything and I did just fine without him before (although he did really help me learn a lot at work) and I don't need to be involved in any activities that he is anymore, etc., so I just cut off all communication with him except when he tries to invent work-related reasons to come to my office and talk to me, even though there's a meeting of all the big wigs this Saturday where they will be deciding my raise along with others. I'm kind of afraid he'll start disapproving of my work but I don't even care... I think he's a good person who wouldn't do that (but who knows, I thought he was a good person about other things, too) and I think he knows it would ruin any chance of ever being with me, and no matter what I have to get out of this more than I care about that. Part of me feels like I deserve whatever happens at work because I was stupid enough to get involved in this.

About a month ago I was presented with an opportunity to change fields within my same company, and it involves training under a new "mentor" of sorts, in a totally different area than my ex-boyfriend (or whatever he was) works in, so I took it because I realized I may soon need space from him at work. I'm hoping that it's my saving grace because even if things get so messy that I can't work at all with my ex-boyfriend anymore, it won't matter because a new guy is in charge of training/ evaluating me. So I think I might try focusing even more on the new area and trying to ignore him at work as much as possible. If that doesn't work I'm not afraid to find a new job, preferably in a new city because the only reason I stayed here when I got done with school was my job offer, and I would love to move away and also completely get away from him and this situation.

THANK YOU so much Lisa for all your help and advice. I feel like you really know where I'm coming from. I'm sorry to ramble so much but there are so many different thoughts going on in my head and I can't talk to anyone in real life. I did start seeing a therapist and she said the same thing as you -- that he is not a good person and that I should stay away from him.

I hope you can find a way to work through this. I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

Please try and remember that you ONLY have his word for these things. His wife might think something completely different is going on, he might have allowed her to keep thinking that. Given the age of the man you speak of, have they been married for long? In some states you must be married for 10 years or more before Alimony has to be paid, nevermind splitting up the marital assets. Alot of men in this guys place, don't want to break up their marriage because of everything they stand too loose.

They have been married for 15 years. As far as I know finances are not an impediment to filing for divorce, as they are in the exact same profession and make about the same amount of money. We live in a community property state and from what he says they are just splitting all assets/ property acquired after they were married half in half, and in fact she had more money/ assets going into the marriage and has more inheritance now that he does. No one is going to half to pay any Alimony.

I wish I knew what he was telling her. But mainly I just want to be completely out of it so that I don't have to wonder.

You my dear have put your whole life on hold for a cheater. And honey if he cheated on his wife what makes you think he won't do it to you. 25 vs 45.....I can only wonder what his problem is. You can believe what ever lies this man tells you. All this time is time wasted on possibly meeting someone who really is available to you. You honey need to find some self esteem and tell this jerk to take a walk permanetly out of your life. You owe this much to yourself.

HELLO,
I agree with the the post before me & others. Why would you want to know what he is telling his wife? He is lying to both of you. He has serious problems. He is cheating on his wife of 15 yrs. It probably isn't the 1st time either. He may have another girlfriend in addition to you rigth now. My daughter is 23 & I would hate to see her putting up with this. You are wasting alot of your time with him.

You can find much better things to do with your time. Also better men to spend your time with. Yes, you could have met a nice man by now. You are to much into his problems, life & divorce issues. You would not like it if you were married to someone & they were messing around. You can always get another job. You can move also. But you have to find out why you got so involved with this married man. Otherwise you might repeat the same mistake. You can do better than this man. i'm sure there are decent men around who would love to go out with you. But you are too busy putting up with this dishonest man. I really hope that by now you are not even speaking to him anymore. Best Wishes, Judy K.

Found this due to my own concerns. :LOL: I'm 41 dating a 52 year old, so F me too! :LOL: It still happens no matter what age we are. Sigh. Thanks all for adding your thoughts. ..and yes, angelasoup, I read your posts. ;-)

The hardest thing for me is that I morphed from his girlfriend into the mistress. I'm still going "how the hell did this happen?" I started dating him honestly. He was clearly separated. He even called her the first night I was at his main house and told her I would be there. He said they were great friends and she would come over from time to time. That night, he hung up the phone and said she was very upset. He said she had never behaved that way before. He said they had stayed together for the sake of outward appearances in front of her family and that they were both dating other people. He never hid me from anyone. He took me out to dinner and never hid me from people he knew. He was proud of me. Then, his wife contacted me. :-? First time was relatively low key. Then, after he said she wanted counseling, I said that's where I draw the line, where I consider a man married. I contacted his wife and told her such (because she first contacted me..otherwise I would've kept my mouth shut). Then, all hell broke loose. I was called a mistress and all sorts of mean garbage. It's a very sick situation. That's when I realized when around Valentine's day, when he said "we can make this work", I realized he might have meant work with me as hidden girlfriend. The biggest blow to me was on Valentine's..he gave me a jpeg he copied from the internet. :-? He bought a gift for his (now wanted) wife. He had the nerve to ask me to marry him two days before. "Marry me.." He said it 3 or 4 times. ....While reconciling with his wife and with a gift for her... I was so upset. It wasn't the gift, but the priority.

Hi, I just found this thread and read nadiaj's story. I am in a very similar situation as she is, only I am also married and separated. I feel like I cannot look elsewhere for an alternative job as I will miss the man that I think I love sitting close to me. He has separated and we are close, but I cannot wait for him to divorce any longer, I feel like no approach works and I am very close to not wanting to live anymore. I have tried everything - yoga, therapy, not seeing him, seeing him, talking, not talking and cannot cope without him or with him if he is not going to be free. Can you please help me. I just don't see anything ahead of me if we are not together. I am 31 and we have been working toget5hyer for a while, meeting each other for the past eight months. Please tell me if I can influence his divorce and his raw wounds. I would do anything, but cannot seem to change how things are. It is very slow and almost not moving forward. I just do not know if I can deal with it.