BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings Good adult sibling relationships

Hi All

I have been reading all the posts and nodding all the time recognizing similar threads. My sister has always been spiteful and self centered. She married both times for money. My current brother in law is a wonderful man. He puts up with her berating him every night. I haven't heard from him for a week. He'll be under strict orders not to ring me or Mum. I hope he finds the strength to walk away too. Mum is doing as well as can be expected. She is fretting over my sister though and upset that my sisters son has made no attempt to contact her either. I'm ringing her everyday. We live 4 hours drive apart. I have felt really down the past two days. More so than even just after Dad passed away. I think the realty has hit me that I don't have him anymore. I have to go back to work on Monday so that will give me something to do. I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other for a while.

Wow I finally found a place where someone knows what I am talking about. My favorite saying are siblings are highly overrated. And if you knew my siblings especially my sister you would agree. Things have never been good between us because she holds on to the past and has a lot of resentment in her heart. I just pray that one day she will change.

Oh lord, the holding on to the past part, my sisters are really good at that. We are all approaching middle age, and they still think I know nothing and never will.

Do you know about the "sibling positions"? I can't remember what it is called, but, I mean like the oldest child is always the leader, the youngest is always the baby till becoming an adult then taking over the leadership role, the oldest daughter is always the nurturer, etc........
I know that as the middle of seven, I have always been able to see both sides and help mediate.

WOW, I am one lucky girl. Now don't get me wrong we have gotten in some "I'm never talking to you again EVER" brawls before but it never last. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, I am 2nd to the oldest and we get along very well. As a matter of fact my youngest brother thinks he is my "Mom" so to speak. I know with 100% certainty that no matter what I do, and no matter what they do, we will help each and stick together always. I'm sorry to hear that this isn't always the case in other families.

I am currently trying to deal with the spouse situation. However, it is the spouse of my husband's brother that is causing a problem on his side of the family. It's amazing what a huge wedge she has driven between my brother-in-law and his parents and brother (my husband). My inlaws are the sweetest people and I really can't understand the differences that have driven them apart. They are the type of people that would do anything for you and rarely have an unkind word about anyone. IN FACT, they have praised my sister in law and her parenting abilities. Over the years whatever differences that have occurred are not easily forgot by SIL. She told me this weekend she has printed and saved all the emails from them to prove how mean they have been to her. Needless to say I feel caught in the middle of this quarrling family and don't know how to bring my husband closer with his brother and the family together. Any suggestions?? It is just so sad that such a nice family has drifted apart because of ONE person.

Hi. I am new to this forum and I am not sure if this is the right place to post my rantings! LOL But this particular issue does apply to my younger brother so I figured I'd start out here. I was 6 years old when my brother was born. Both my parents were really young. It wasnt a good time for them to have children. I quickly realized that I would have to watch out and help care for my brother. Through this my brother and I have created a huge bond. My brother was a little slow with his developmental skills. He had a hard time in school as a result. I have always had to come to his aide in so many ways. I never cared that I did. My heart would just break if I thought he was hurting or unhappy. My mother moved away when I was ten and didnt come back into the picture until I was almost 20! As a result my brother wouldnt know who she was if he tripped over her! Now all these years have gone by and it has come to my attention that my beloved and adored baby brother has a severe Drug problem. I am just so overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I cant fix this for him I can not protect him from it. I am just so very stressed Most siblings fight but I dont have that issue. I feel more like his mother than his sister and I am literally dieing inside. My entire life is effected by this issue and i am overloaded with stress and grief. I guess does anyone here have any experience with siblings who have drug problems. Any suggestions on how I can find a method for myself to just relax. I am at a point where I am getting lost in his addiction. the thought of him in some street using is almost unbearable. If I had the ability to give up my life so that he could lead a healthy and positive life I swear I would lay down and hand over the last breath I have in my lungs. I feel like I am watching him die slowly and in the process every ounce of life in me is going with it. I dont know anyone who has a sibling with a drug issue it would be nice to get some advice from someone who could understand where i am coming from. My brother has had it so hard. Our lives were not easy...I prevailed and am ok I guess I thought he would be to...........sorry this is so whiney and long sometimes I need to vent.....ya know to someone who doesnt know me all that well....Thanks guys...

Newbies, welcome to the forum, hope yous enjoy your stay!
Rosie

I am sorry to hear of everyone's issues with siblings. I have a similar story but with a twist! I am the baby of 6 children. Our mother passed when i was 3 and my father remarried a woman with 2 adult children (who were married). I was 3 1/2 at the time and my eldest sister - 13. A hard time. My mother came from a large family - 8 kids (irish catholic) and my father was an only child. When my mother passed all her sisters and grandparents tried to help out my father (6 kids in the 60's) - even suggesting separating us in 2's but my father was determined to keep us together. His solution - get married. My step-mother unfortunately saw a man with money - a house - and position and i believe (as ive grown into my own world)she saw an advantage and grabbed it.

I don't think my father 'loved' her - i think he was looking for someone as a companion. This caused alot of tension between all of us - but i was so young i didn't understand until my teens. My father expected my siblings to call our step mother 'mom' and refused to talk about our mother or her death. My step mother took advantage of the situation - and caused alot of issues with my siblings and father. As i got older i got more rebellious - and at 16 left home - for good. I was going to college -but i ended up moving in with friends. I couldn't take the tension anymore.

My siblings didn't like me. I was the baby and therefore got everything they didn't (as they perceive it). Sure - i got it all - i got to listen to them argue and fight -and pull me in the middle of it all - and be left alone alot etc. I got it all - believe i felt lucky!

When i had my first child i tried to reconcile with them - but at his point only me and one of my siblings were talking and had a close relationship. The rest were fighting still over issues from our childhood. I tried to keep them involved in my life but it became so hard to listen to them griping about my father - when i had had such a different relationship with him. It hurt.

Jump ahead a few years and my father becomes ill - and ends up in hospital. I have to call the siblings that have not had contact with him in years and let them know he's sick. They all show up but no one talks to the step parent - that's my job - since i do have a relationship with her (somewhat). It was then that my father told me they were getting a divorce (i was in my 30's and married with children). We all worked together and we realised it was better for them to split.

5 years ago my father became very ill - and i was there everyday caring for him-talking to him etc. He passed and it was very difficult for me. My husband was my rock! Alot of my family lives away from where my father passed so i invited them to my house as my father wanted to be cremated and buried with my mother - which was 8 hours away. We had to make plans. So i got the liquor and food and we sat outside. The couldn't stop saying bad things about my father - what a terrible person he was - how he didn't do a good job -and that's why they all had issues with alcohol and neediness (my father was an alcoholic until he got dementia and then quit). I do not drink.

I wanted to yell - to scream at the top of my lungs - get out of my house - but i didn't. 6 months later we met up at one of my siblings house -who lived in the city where my mother was buried. We had a nice service and then went to my siblings house - where it all started again. I'd finally had it - and told them. They more or less told me that i was always priviledged - and i didn't know how they felt or what they had to go through. I thought i did - but - they were right and i was wrong.

I have since gone to counselling - and read LOTS of books about 'motherless daughters' and its helped me to understand what they went through -at first i was so angry - but i began to realise that their anger was coming from somewhere - and i didn't have that anger (or so i thought).

A year after my father passed - my step-mother died. Then the anger came out! My siblings called and gave me their condolenses but refused to go to the funeral. I met my step-siblings (who ive remained close to) and went. I found out that i was very angry with my step mother. She wasn't a nice person. She pitted my father against my siblings and oftentimes told him things that were untrue (didn't know this before). My step-siblings were very supportive as they had gone thru the same thing when they were young.


I had to learn to let go. I have since kept in contact (by email) with some of my siblings. We have talked about everything - and at times disagree - and don't speak for weeks - but we've opened the lines of communication. We've agreed to disagree. They had a very different upbringing than i did. They lost their mother at a very formative time in their lives. I was too young to know the difference at first. My father should've facilitated a good relationship between my step parent and all of us - but instead he was often absent and/or drinking.

We are all older and our kids are now young adults. We have all decided that a little contact is fine - the cousins all keep in close contact - but we as siblings - only a little bit. One of my siblings and i have remained very very close - and i depend on their opinion alot. I do not -nor do i think -will i ever have the same feelings for them as i do for her.

Age often helps to erase the past - along with it alot of nasty and cold feelings. It makes us try to see the good in people - especially when our kids grow up and question why we want them to be close to their siblings - when we are not with ours.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles Flowers1010. Unfortunately, I have seen siblings in such situations and the entire family is in crisis. Many experts will tell you the same thing. Don't be an enabler. Your brother has to make a decision to get help to get him on the right track and then make a decision everyday to stay on the right track. Even though you would like to do it for him, you can't and most loved ones wind up enabling the addict, making it easy to continue on the wrong path.

Your brother may have to hit "rock bottom" as they say before he makes his decision and this will be very painful for you to watch. My suggestion is to search around your local area for a councelor or support groups who can help you through this. Check into local drug treatment programs that you can direct your brother to as an encouragement to get treatment. Love him through it because he shouldn't have to go it alone once he starts treatment, but you might have to do it from a distance.