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#339618 09/08/07 05:01 PM
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I am so glad to have found this site and for finally finding people like me who are CF. I suspect my problem is common, but just needs some directions ~ hoping you guys can provide it. My husband and I do not and are not going to have kids ... we are OK with it. Unfortunately, we live in the same town that we grew up in ~ which is just too family oriented for my liking. It was fine when we had the plan to raise a family ~ but it's not fine now. Our careers are here, but I feel like we can live anywhere with our occupations ~ unfortunately my husband is someone who hates change to the core and so he won't move. I personally thrive on change. I feel like all we do is fight about my wanting to move to more of a city area or maybe beach someplace which would be more "singles/couples CF" friendly. Has anyone else had this problem? I'm starting to feel like I'm losing myself ~ I can't seem to connect in this area with other CF folks and I'm frankly kind of smothering here. Any help yall can provide is VERY much appreciated.

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What does CF stand for?????


Rosie L
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Could it be child free?????


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Hi, yes I do mean child free (CF). Thank smile


"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right!" Henry Ford
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Dear nokids4us

Yes, I can kind of relate. Prior to meeting my husband I was single and CF - firstly in London, and then back in my home city of Auckland, NZ. In both cases I lived in apartments in the city and because my work is in the arts, I was frequently going out and meeting all sorts of interesting and unconventional people. When I met and married my husband, I moved in with him and his son (aged 20) to the suburbs near the sea. That was really really hard for me, because suddenly I found myself in a community of families, feeling like a fish out of water. My DH was also resistant to living anywhere else because he had lived in this area his entire life - I, on the other hand, have lived in 4 cities and 3 different countries, and in at least 5 different areas in this city. So I felt a little trapped and worried.

Anyway, I learned that resistance to moving comes from fear, and he was also a little nervous I would force him out of his comfort zone. So I have talked to him about it lots, and tried to get him excited about the possibilities of moving to a more urban part of the city and the advantages of living in a townhouse or apartment that is low maintenance and secure. But my real breakthrough came when we were on a weekend away, open to sharing and talking. He was talking about how much he longs for a beach house in a particular beach community that is not my favourite and he knows I'm resistant to it. But I suggested that maybe we aim for a scenario where we have our urban place where I long to be, and a beach house where he loves. That way we are both compromising and both winning. He agreed and was even enthusiastic, and it makes me feel relaxed and less trapped.

In a way it shouldn't be up to only you to compromise. On the other hand, if he feels forced to move and then the new place is challenging in any way, he may blame you. It's really tricky. But maybe, like, me, depending on your financial situation, you could suggest getting a little apartment in an urban area with more CF and alternative people and having a "getaway" weekend place in the area he loves. You do need to explain to him why it's important for you to move and try new places, and what he would gain from that too.

Also, my husband was very relieved when I came to the conclusion I could live without kids. So any other compromise doesn't seem that bad to him!

Another way to approach it might be to stress the fun and freedom of trying a new place to live, and how you both have such an opportunity to be free and flexible without children, so why stagnate when you don't have to? My greatest adventures have been in moving to new places (even though it's scary initially!)

Mutual understanding is better than arguments, so if you can talk to him when you're both in a "discussing our dreams" mode, that would be great.

In the meantime, I spend lots of time in the urban areas I love anyway - I just drive there. And I've started to appreciate the fact that there are different generations living here.

I wish you all the best. "Softly softly catchee monkey"...

(This means: A note of caution, meaning 'move with care' � from the Chinese proverb: �Softly, softly catchee monkey". This suggests that slow and steady wins the race or the prize; thus, this is the way to attain a particular goal.)

Last edited by FeebeeGeebee; 09/09/07 12:31 AM.
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FeebeeGeebee,
I am so appreciative of your reply. It is very comforting to know that someone has/is experiencing some of the same issues that come from being child free. I am also glad that you didn't just say ... "leave him and then you'll make yourself happy.. you deserve it," I have no intentions of leaving my husband as he is my best friend.

There are so many challenges that come from the choice to be child free, but there are SOOO many opportunities too. I guess I've just gotten to the place where I want to embrase my lifestyle and not just live it, I want to thrive and grow in it. I'm creative and very outgoing and (as a Gemini)I am always up for change smile. I'm just like you said ... a bit of a fish out of water... even though in my case, I've lived in the same pond forever. Funny how dreams and choices can change a person isn't it? I will consider what you mentioned, and will do my very best to honor the "Softly softly catchee monkey"...ahhhh my greatest weakness. Thanks again and best wishes. By the way, you stated you were an artist. I'd love to have a link to some of your art (if you sell it). As a newbie, I hope that my request doesn't break any rules ... please let me know if I stepped out of bounds.

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i'm also i'm a Gemini and thrive on change! People tease me about changing jobs but it's b/c i get bored and want to do something different. anyway, my hubby is from germany as i have mentioned in other posts. part of me really wants to move b/c i've never lived anywhere else plus i feel like you that i want to live in a more "cf" type community plus i absolutely hate the winters here. my hubby really doesn't want to move b/c he said that he already moved once and doesnt' want to start over.plus he says most of our friends are here and he likes it here.i do to but i told him that there is no garuntee that later on our friends will still be here and plus the fact that we don't see our friends as much as we used to . plus eventually some of them will have kids (one already does) and that will change things.

we've reached a point where my hubby has changed his profile at work so that if a really great work opportunity comes along in another area he's at least willing to consider it. before he had in his profile that he wasn't willing to move. now he changed it which made me very happy. also he's open to the idea that when we semi-retire(hopefully in about 18 yrs. one of the great things about being CF,we're 36 and 37 now)i would like to go somewhere warm for the winter and stay here the rest of the year.that is my comprimise. he's seems open to that. he wants to eventually start his own consulting business plus he plays bass and can do both almost anywhere. i tutor kids and again i can do that anywhere.

sometimes though i'm torn b/c some days i really like being here and other days i just want to move.

so you're definitely not alone. besides at least b/c we are CF we can actually think about those things. people with kids don't really have that luxury!

indigo

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Staying in one place is great for some people, but having moved quite a bit when I was young, I'm stricken with constant wanderlust. I'm eager to move after having been in the same general area for many years. But my fiance has just changed jobs to something with long term potential on both the financial and happiness fronts, so I'm probably not going anywhere for a while. *sigh*

As for the "all our friends are here" argument, I definitely have something to say about that! A scant 16 months ago, I had three very close friends living in the same city as I. One had moved here as an adult, one had moved here as a child, and the other had never lived anywhere else in his entire life. As of this week, all three of them are living in different states. As dear and wonderful as friends are, one cannot plan his or her life around them. They are as free to move as we are, and they might do just that!


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Originally Posted By: nokids4us
I am also glad that you didn't just say ... "leave him and then you'll make yourself happy..


There is nothng worse, is there, than confiding to someone about somthing that's nagging you in your relationship, job etc and they tell you just to "leave him/it". To me it's not the solution - sometimes you need the reassurance that what you're feeling is normal and everything is going to be fine. I have found in life that you can never have all good things at once. You kind of have to do it in chapters. So earlier in life I had heaps of flexibility and freedom and moved all over, but I missed the solidity of living in one place and having a mate.

Quote:
I guess I've just gotten to the place where I want to embrase my lifestyle and not just live it, I want to thrive and grow in it. I'm creative and very outgoing and (as a Gemini)I am always up for change smile.

In the meantime while you softly catch the monkee, you can thrive and grow in other areas of your life. Do something you always dreamed of. I just ran 10.5km at the weekend for the first time in my life (not sure what that is in miles - it's a 1/4 marathon). I'm due to do the 1/4 marathon of the Auckland marathon next month. I have never been a runner before!!! This has been a dream of mine for more than 10 years. Because I have some enforced boundaries of being in one place (my husband owns a business and we will have to be in the city for the next few years) I have been able to fulfil this one particular dream.

I'm a Libran and I constantly strive for balance! So I like both extremes! I need to have my security but then have adventures too. So I like the idea suggested of spending the summers here and going to Europe or elsewhere during the winter. Or I read somewhere about a woman who has created a cute little cottage in Mediterannean style. Every second year she chooses somewhere in the med and spends a month there - staying in one place, imbibing the culture, and buying a few new things for her house. I thought that was a great idea - having the home base but the regular adventures. Frieda was also talking the other day about house swaps. There are vacation swap websites where professional people around the world exchange houses for a while. Apparently it works really well and your house does not get trashed! So your husband could still have his house, but you get to discover how people live all over the world. That depends of course on your vacation time - I know it's heaps less in the US (we get 4 weeks plus public holidays)... anyway, you can use your Gemini energies to think laterally about fun solutions! (Then share them with us)...

Quote:
By the way, you stated you were an artist. I'd love to have a link to some of your art (if you sell it).


Oooooh. No, not an artist - I am an arts marketer in the performing arts (I bring people TO the arts!). The only thing I do that's close to being an artist is I write, but I haven't experienced THAT chapter in full yet!

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Hi and welcome!
I can relate to this a bit.
I am from New Zealand and my hubby is Egyptian as most of you know. We met in and live in London and LOVE how easy it is to travel from there. It's also taken a while to get ourselves established here, especially workwise and especially for hubby who now has an excellent client base and plenty of work. HOWEVER!
I too
feel a bit like I have itchy feet!
I certainly don't want to retire in London or maybe even England but also I would like to try living in several different
countries.
He has a cousin in the US for example and I'm like why not take advantage of that?
I'd like to live in Egypt for two years max (but that would then be enough!) and I'd also like to live in Dubai and Japan.
But
hubby keeps reminding me what a big adjustment it is to pack up and move your life to a whole new country and how it can take time to settle there. Especially as he's self-employed (carpenter).
But I think especially as we're not old yet and we have no kids, AND some great connections let's take advantage of that!
By the way, he also has a cousin in Dubai. He's so lucky, I have a penpal in the Netherlands, but apart from that he is the one with the travel connections!
Anyway we are definately staying in London and the UK until we get our citizenship (fingers crossed) which we've worked so hard to get! That should take at least 2 more years so no moving yet!



I leave the child-rearing to people who feel called to it. I've never felt that call.
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