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Dear Holly,

I am so grateful for your encouraging words. It is WONDERFUL to have someone accept me as I am.

I have discovered that one is never too old to learn, and I am learning.

You have helped me more than you can know. THANK YOU!

Kerryanne.

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Originally Posted By: cdmohatta

Why did no one believe me when I said that Mettamaid is Alexandra?


Dear CDM,

If you weren't believed, it was because you made these claims without proof.

You cannot know for a fact that MettaMaid is Alexandra, and to accuse anyone of being a liar is not acceptable under those circumstances. In Australia, you could be sued for it!

What does it matter anyway? This forum is open to anyone who wishes to post an opinion.

Kerryanne.

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I am also learning, Kerryanne.

I understand your point about assertions. CDM is pretty upset about this. I am hoping at some point when things have settled and he is no longer upset that i can coax him back. We shall see.

At any rate, as the saying goes, "Least said, soonest mended." Wish i'd remembered that one before all this! hahaha. Ah well... 20-20 hindsight! So shall we see if we can get the topics back to more constructive subjects?

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We were talking at one point about pain and pleasure as motivation.

I sometimes find that when i want to go in a certain direction, but i keep stopping, that it is not because there are actual bad consequences to it, but rather the problem is old associations of pain with it... in other words, memories.

Take for example, making art. When my husband started falling apart and was becoming more psychotic, it had in a roundabout way to do with my making art. And he started haranging me about anything connected with my art. If i went to see an artist friend, i'd be criticized. If i spent time making my art i'd be criticized. Etc. My association with art itself was pleasure, but there were some horrible events that got sort of "stickied" to making art, you know what i mean?

Now when i want to make art... i can't even think of pulling my supplies out of the cabinet without all sorts of negative memories and thoughts seeping into my consciousness, and it is just painful enough that i find i avoid making art now.

Do you have any suggestions?

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I understand you completely Holly. This is exactly how I am about forming friendships. Easier to detach and avoid possible further pain. It's like how a child learns not to touch the hot plate on the stove. It burns! You learn not to do it again.

Kerryanne.

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Originally Posted By: hollyelise
I am also learning, Kerryanne.

I understand your point about assertions. CDM is pretty upset about this. I am hoping at some point when things have settled and he is no longer upset that i can coax him back. We shall see.

At any rate, as the saying goes, "Least said, soonest mended." Wish i'd remembered that one before all this! hahaha. Ah well... 20-20 hindsight! So shall we see if we can get the topics back to more constructive subjects?

Holly,
I know CDM since very long.
He will never return to this section of self development again.
Alexandra had the trick of spoiling every thread.
Same is being done by Mettamaid.
If asked- how to enjoy sex?
She will answer- Why do you want sex.
The pattern is simple- disruption.
She has succeeded in driving CDM away.
Yesterday he told me that he was happy wilth that.
More time for his work.

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Originally Posted By: hollyelise
We were talking at one point about pain and pleasure as motivation.

I sometimes find that when i want to go in a certain direction, but i keep stopping, that it is not because there are actual bad consequences to it, but rather the problem is old associations of pain with it... in other words, memories.

Take for example, making art. When my husband started falling apart and was becoming more psychotic, it had in a roundabout way to do with my making art. And he started haranging me about anything connected with my art. If i went to see an artist friend, i'd be criticized. If i spent time making my art i'd be criticized. Etc. My association with art itself was pleasure, but there were some horrible events that got sort of "stickied" to making art, you know what i mean?

Now when i want to make art... i can't even think of pulling my supplies out of the cabinet without all sorts of negative memories and thoughts seeping into my consciousness, and it is just painful enough that i find i avoid making art now.

Do you have any suggestions?


Remember Robbins?
Can you convert the bad memories in something insignificant.
Or you will never again take up art.

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No, i wish to take up art again. And i think sometimes doing the thing that triggers the associations makes the associations recede and be peaceful.

A few years ago i tried some of the Robbins' techniques with making art and it did not work, but i can try again. Art is funny that way... very tempermental... very sensitive to what is going on inside a person.

There are things i can't put into words. When i feel more whole... i can do almost anything and i am at peace, focused, and more confident. Whether i am whole or not is something i feel intuitively... it's like knowing your body temperature - a scale that is up or down. You could use a thermometer but you can get a sense of it without a thermometer. You know if you feel sick or not. I know if i feel whole or not, and consequently, if i will struggle to make art before i even try, have the past haunt if i go to do something, have nightmares on any given night, and such. Sometimes i have wondered if this is prediction or self-prophesy. I think it's prediction, though, based on how i feel inside.

I call it wholeness but i don't know if that's the right word. It is characterized by feeling balanced without effort, peace, clarity, steadiness, a certain amount of invulnerability, often accompanied by happiness.

I will try to make art again soon.

Is anyone else dealing with negative associations with something they want to do again?

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Holly,

I have found this-

when I feel unmotivated to do some work, I anyway begin and after sometime the motivation comes back.

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When i get the time to do it, i will try. I know that is true in other things, but art may be different.

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