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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079 |
Let's all relax, kids!!
Last edited by kristen houghton; 07/20/07 05:32 PM.
"Allow your dreams to become your plans."
Kristen
Kristen Houghton Author and Relationship Writer BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079 |
GL, I agree that too many people shout divorce and don't work through their problems. As a relationship writer and coach, I also know there are two sides to every marriage.
But it takes "two to talk" and sometimes a person has no where to go if their spouse won't communicate.
I would never "kick you off" for your opinions. I don't work that way.
Some people are hurting here. Let's try to help each other, okay?
Last edited by kristen houghton; 07/20/07 05:33 PM.
"Allow your dreams to become your plans."
Kristen
Kristen Houghton Author and Relationship Writer BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127 |
I have to add, to the comment that pornography is: "wayyy down at the bottom of MY list of problem addictions. Slightly higher than Ice Cream, WAY lower than Heroin."
Tell that to my male co-worker. He worked for the state for over 20 years, had a retirement in front of him, everything. And it all went away when the department found out that he was so addicted to porn that he was viewing it at work on state computers. Counts as a life wrecking addiction to me.
And I have to say, divorce isn't a solution that is easy, anyone who has been through one can testify to it's pain. But sometimes, it is the only way to save your soul.
Dez
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079 |
Simple statements: ANYTHING which takes over your life is rightfully called ADDICTION.
Add to that ANYTHING that is detrimental to your spouse and which you are not willing or able to change is cause for divorce.
Last edited by kristen houghton; 07/21/07 08:16 AM.
"Allow your dreams to become your plans."
Kristen
Kristen Houghton Author and Relationship Writer BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998 |
GL's statements were bold and brash, and I would never have said much of it, but...
I'm not inclined to disagree with many of his ideas, despite his choice of phrasing.
Perhaps this is a hopeless case. Perhaps this marriage is doomed. You ladies might be right on this one.
But too many of the threads here are filled with too much of "get out while you can" and not enough of "please find some way to talk to each other and/or with a neutral party."
The best advice we veritable strangers can give to members of suffering marriages is to give them the strength, motivation, and methods to make their thoughts heard to their spouses.
I know I'm rambling, but it just bothers me that anyone would find it ethical to encourage a stranger to seek divorce after hearing about only one aspect of the marriage from only one involved party. It feels irresponsible, I guess. That's just me. Sorry if I stepped on any toes with this post.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 312
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 312 |
Thatha--Just a word of encouragement. Trust your instincts. They are there for a reason. You are not the selfish one!!
cela
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10 |
Hi, I am new to the forum also and I am married almost 2 years. My husband is addicted to sex. He cotacts people on line and through phone chat lines, and sex clubs. He feels he does not do anything wrong that he enjos what he does. I am so hurt. I know and he knows I know but I can't get myself to make a decision. He managed to also kick out boy my boys from a previous marriage. The older one he pushed out to the dorms and the 17 year old he basically threw him out. I love my husband but he has hurt me deeply and he seems not to understand that. My boys don't even call me to talk anymore. I am so hurt.
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4 |
Hello to all. I am new here and as I read I feel the pain. My husband was so very addicted to pornography. Just as you all have said, I've dealt with it: on line, calls, books, videos. And he tried hard to convince me there was something wrong with me because i was not as "driven" as him. He told me all the excuses "its not in the flesh, it'll make me better when i'm with you, so on and on. I feel that pornography is a self destructive behavior and it hurts everyone involved. We argued many times about pornography until it almost destroyed us. I can tell you not to give up and pray hard! He can change. My husband did. One faithful prayer he said "What ever it takes God" to get me over it-and it happened! He even published a book with that title "What Ever It Takes, God" by John Oarc and can be found at Amazon.com The book details all the fury of molestation, pornography, adulerty and etc...but we overcame!! We have been married now 20 years and went thru living hell to be happy. This is a very good book for any one hurting with these issues. You can survive the odds. Look on Amazon.com and find "What Ever It Takes, God" by John Oarc and you will have a good example and real life story, you are not alone. FaithUp- Let No Struggles keep You Down
Last edited by havehope; 08/11/07 03:57 PM.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079
Parakeet
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Parakeet
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079 |
To all those who are posting about their husbands' addiction to porn, my heart goes out to you. Addiction is defined as anything which adversely affects a person's life. I would add that your own life is being negatively and painfully affected too as well as any children you may have.
Pornography IS NOT watching a sexy movie together. Your husbands are going way beyond that.
You were not put on earth to be miserable; you deserve better.But you have got to be strong for yourselves.
My advice is, and always has been, if you are being hurt by your spouse in any way, leave. Addiction causes pain, whether alcohol or drugs, or porn. If your spouse will not change or seek help in changing, you must leave or you will continue to be miserable.
[size:11pt]You owe it to yourself to have a good life. Seek counseling for yourself and begin a new life. He will not change. [/size]
Last edited by kristen houghton; 08/11/07 06:40 PM.
"Allow your dreams to become your plans."
Kristen
Kristen Houghton Author and Relationship Writer BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 312
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 312 |
I've got to add something . . . Just recently, I discovered that two women close to me are dealing with this problem in their marriages. One of them knows two others in the same boat. In all cases, there seem to be a couple of common threads: (a) the husbands hid their activity until the wives stumbled on it and (b) once discovered, the husbands tried simultaneously to convince their wives that the husbands' behavior was healthy and normal while also trying to convince their wives that the wives were the ones who had the real problems (i.e. implying that the wives were too controlling, too sexually repressed, too close-minded, too quick to give up on marriage, etc.)
Pul-leezzzzzzzeeeeeeee! When someone has to throw guilt on others AND feels compelled to hide what they are doing, what does that say? It's just not screaming normal and healthy.
I have heard that porn addiction is THE single most difficult addiction of which to rid oneself. It certainly looks that way. I, for one, do not think anyone owes it to another person to devote years either to adjusting to this life-style or to trying to wait out the addiction in hopes that it will pass.
cela
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