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Do you get nightmares everyday?
had you consulted any doctor?

Psychology degree is good idea.
What will you do after that?
How many years to get the degree?

Going back to university is actually less for learning and more for getting degrees. I always learn... any environment i learn. I know some stuff that is more useful to me than what i would learn in a classroom, but in life i am disadvantaged without degrees... degrees are "authority." I will enjoy going to school, and perhaps degrees will help me to feel more confident as well.

I also have a lot of talent in art, and an aptitude for math, logic, and physics. But i thought i would study psychology, most likely. Just looking for what degrees would give me the most "passes" to what i might do in the future.

You are right, cd. But also just my current level of nightmares interferes too much with what i am doing today. When they all went away before... they were just gone. One day... just gone. I have thought much on the key to that... i know i felt secure, loved, supported, whole, stimulated artistically, challenged a little. But obviously i'm missing the understanding needed to make it happen again.

I know of two ways (so far) to break through the barrier i feel in living my authentic self.

The first i experienced about 7 years ago. It was a paradigm shift, or actually a series of shifts. It was virtually instantaneous and joyful. This would be my preferred way of doing it now. But i think the environment played a key role in it happening, and the environment is gone. I felt well loved (by husband and friends of many years), encouraged (even challenged in a friendly way), and entirely safe.

The second way is the way i have been doing it these last years, as i have not yet been able to recreate the first: I push myself. I fight the borders of my comfort zone for gain. This way is painful and slow. So slow, in fact, that for the first two years I could see no gain at all. Only over much time am i able to see gain and it is as i said, painful to make gains. The technique is basically challenge and desensitization.

The first situation contrasts with the second in that in the case of the first I did not expect the paradigm shifts, nor does it seem I had much control over creating the situation (but I'm still hoping I can recreate it somehow). I was also greatly enjoying life! In the second option I have control over how often and how hard i push myself forward, but there are reprocussions (night terrors).

So i guess one thing that i would like is feedback on these options, in particular, if there are other options or ways of recreating the first?

I think i could probably finish my B.A. in a year more or less, if i take a particular program i have looked into that would allow me to test out for some of my credits. I have more than two years' worth of credits towards a BA so far. The masters... i don't know how long it would take. It depends on how much i could do online and at my own pace and how much i would have to wait for particular courses to be available.

What I've bolded is very interesting. What would it take to add each of those things you said about being "secure, loved, supported, whole, stimulated artistically, challenged a little" back into your life on a practical level?

From the outside looking in, am I understanding you to say that the first option is the one that really worked for you and the second option really isn't working right now (eg. slow progress and nightmares)?

It sounds to me that you've already stated you would like to look at recreating the first option. You said, "This would be my preferred way of doing it now." So, would you like to go that route?

Holly, I invite you to open up to the "possibility" of getting what you want. If the desire is in your heart, perhaps we should honor your heart and trust the "roadmap" is contained there as well. There is only one way to find out. Let's search!

Would you be willing to set the "intention" to create option #1? (Sometimes the "what needs to happen" comes before the "how".)
Will you please re-state your exact intention in one clear sentence that we can refer back to?

Can you explain the paradigm shift or series of shifts that you are looking to create now?

At the beginning you said "to break through the barrier i feel in living my authentic self."

Would you describe the barrier as "fear" or something else? Please explain.