August 5th,
Wow, I really like (and relate) to your quotes Kathy and thank you for them. The one about life being what it is but the way we cope with it making all the difference is SO KEY!! Also, boy have I avoided or sooooo rationalized about not crossing certain bridges in my life and have paid the toll over and over and over again...... I am going to write these down and stick them on my wall. ..... Today I had a ghostly (or ghastly) thought that I am probably ok now to be able to enjoy a nice cold Jack Daniels and pepsi, ooooh, how so quickly my taste buds romanced the idea of the cold tingling feeling tasting so sweet in my mouth, on this hot sweaty summer day. Just one , I thought, it wont freak me out.... what scares me is that I knew I should call my sponser, but I didnt want to admit it to her, plus I wasnt sure I wanted her to talk me out of it!!! Yikes! I am still so vulnerable . thank God, i imagined having to tell my group of my fall to temptation, I imagined feeling the huge dissappointment in myself, I imaginge having to take a wet chip and start all over again, and I imagined quitting / running away from the group and losing alot on neat friedships that I have just begun to enjoy. Lastly or maybe secondly, I imagined the sadness and fear my daughter and son would feel , smelling the alcohol on my breath and sensing that I am acting differently, while I foolishly try to hide it from them. Oh how I hate the hiding , how I hate the feeling of failure and of feeling on the defensive about something not worth defending. THANK YOU GOD , JESUS for bringing me all of these thoughts that I have learned from AA . This is a sign that the alcoholic "dog" is trying to come sniffing around in my life again and that I need to get my but to more meetings to feed my recovery "dog" . Today is my 90th day and tomorrow at group I will still be able to pick up by 90 day chip Yea Yea Yea . I will also share this story with them, but it felt relieving to first put it all down here. thank you for letting me share