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Amoeba
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Originally Posted By: pinkbows

Why is motherhood and pregnancy such a cult of secrecy???


I agree with much that has been said here: the cult of secrecy as a PR campaign to get people to have kids and the absurdity of making a irrevocable life decision such as having a child without thoroughly investigating what it entails.

I do, however, have my doubts about the motivation behind the cult of secrecy. Sure, there may be a little "misery loves company" going on there, but I often think the code of silence has much to do with the outsized expectations of parenthood today. When I was a kid during the '70s, my impression was that my parents and my friends' parents had kids simply because it was expected of them. I never felt like any adult around me looked at parenting as the transcendent experience it's made out to be now. Nowadays it seems like people have kids with such impossibly high expectations of the parental experience, even people who are suited to parenthood must be surprised at how hard it is, and perhaps a little disappointed. I sometimes think that parents these days are just embarrassed to admit that parenthood isn't always so great. Perhaps they suspect that other parents are having a better experience and they feel inadequate. Maybe this is something they can only talk about with close friends who are also struggling with parenthood, but not with others. This would certainly explain the endless need to vent on websites like True Mom Confessions.

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Chipmunk
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Originally Posted By: bonsai
Motherhood has also been perceived, until recently, as unavoidable...so there's a lot of profound rationalization about it. The very existence of CF people bursts the bubble of people who hold these rationalizations. No wonder they're all so annoyed.

In terms of saying that people have a strong marriage, have money, etc., and therefore can "withstand" parenthood? Feh! Sure, it would help, but if you don't want kids, you don't want kids.

At the risk of being blunt: As the donkey said, "God gave me a tail to keep away the flies...but I'd rather have no tail and no flies".

If you don't want children --- regardless of your resource levels --- that is more than enough reason to make an absolutely, unequivocally, 100% ironclad decision NOT TO HAVE THEM.


I was just piggybacking on what Pinkbows sis said - that it wouldn't be as bad for her b/c she isn't destitute, is in a good relationship, etc. And I was trying to be supportive, b/c I think PinkBows said in earlier posts that she wants kids.

But, yeah, I agree. This argument is used against my guy and I all the time. You guys have good jobs, good incomes, and are educated - you should have kids.

It doesn't matter if I have a nanny, I don't want kids. Period. So I get what you are saying.

So you mean people are really bitter b/c we "figured out" how to not have kids, or that it's an option? God, how I would love to do more to get the word out.


Save your own life - don't have kids!
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Gecko
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Wouldn't you love to tell some people ... "you don't make much money, your marriage isn't solid, you don't know much about nutrition, you shouldn't have children".

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Chipmunk
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Originally Posted By: nosy
Wouldn't you love to tell some people ... "you don't make much money, your marriage isn't solid, you don't know much about nutrition, you shouldn't have children".


Yes, I would. I know so many people in wacky situations, that are just dying to have kids. Maybe that's why, they think the kids will solve everything! Clueless.

You perfectly described a couple I know that is going through in vitro right now. Well, their marriage might be solid, but they don't make a lot of money, and are both majorly overweight.

In fact, it crossed my mind that the woman might not be able to get pregnant b/c she is so large, and not in good health. But you can't say that.

So they are spending money they don't have to have a baby they can't afford. I KNOW they can't afford it.


Save your own life - don't have kids!
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Chipmunk
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Yes, that would be very satisfying. I am so disgusted with those confessors on True Mom Confessions who admit that their children have never eaten a vegetable in their life, or that they feed their kids TV dinners or take out every night. I know it's obnoxiously judgemental of me, but I just think it's wrong to raise somebody if you aren't willing to even prepare real food for them. There's also the people that admit to never brushing their kids' teeth�that bothers me.

I had a friend in college who had NEVER SEEN many kinds of fresh vegetables. He had never eaten a raw carrot, or seen a raw green bean in his life. He had some serious issues that he suspected were due to his diet when he was growing up, like his arms were too short for his body...things like that. Once I went to visit home with him, and his mom made us Hamburger Helper for dinner. It was the first time I'd ever tasted THAT! My mom may have made some mistakes raising us, but I have to give her major kudos for all the cooking of fresh food she did for us.

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Jellyfish
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I agree with all of the posts here. But I do have to say that I believe there is a lot of "misery loves company" in the nagging comments. At least in my world there was. Here's just an example:

I have a SIL with three kids. She is a SAHM, very sheltered, doesn't get out much, and at the risk of sounding mean, she's not very bright. Regardless, she always makes comments about DH and me having kids. Over and over again. We just roll our eyes most of the time because we are very up front about not wanting them (and after 14 years of marriage, I think it's obvious that we know our own minds AND how to use birth control!). Of course, she tells us how God wanted us to multiply and that we are in essence, living in sin.

Yet this woman is miserable with her brood. They have no money, the kids are always fighting, their house is a mess, they can't afford college for the kids, the kids are having problems in school, etc., etc., etc. I'm sorry, but that kind of life would make me completely unhappy. And she can claim that kids are the best thing in the world, but when every single problem that they have revolves around the fact that they have these "blessings," I fail to see why you just can't get to the root of the problem and see that your choice to procreate is what's causing all of these issues.

No. Thank you. I like having my independence, my peace and quiet, my interests/hobbies, and my financial freedom. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. Having children would make me profoundly unhappy, and I think it makes a lot parents unhappy as well....one look at TMC will tell you that.

Last edited by jezthepuff; 06/05/07 12:40 PM.

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Parakeet
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This is probably how your SIL keeps herself sane...by telling herself "I may be miserable, my kids are miserable, but at least I'm doing God's will!"

But if that were my life...and I'm SO glad that's not my life...I would lose my will to live.

Cindy

Originally Posted By: jezthepuff

I have a SIL with three kids. She is a SAHM, very sheltered, doesn't get out much, and at the risk of sounding mean, she's not very bright. Regardless, she always makes comments about DH and me having kids. Over and over again. We just roll our eyes most of the time because we are very up front about not wanting them (and after 14 years of marriage, I think it's obvious that we know our own minds AND how to use birth control!). Of course, she tells us how God wanted us to multiply and that we are in essence, living in sin.

Yet this woman is miserable with her brood. They have no money, the kids are always fighting, their house is a mess, they can't afford college for the kids, the kids are having problems in school, etc., etc., etc. I'm sorry, but that kind of life would make me completely unhappy. And she can claim that kids are the best thing in the world, but when every single problem that they have revolves around the fact that they have these "blessings," I fail to see why you just can't get to the root of the problem and see that your choice to procreate is what's causing all of these issues.

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Chipmunk
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So true! I feel very happy to NOT need a secret place to vent about how miserable I am due to my own choices. I am not on this forum because I'm unhappy with not having kids...it's more about finding others who are more like myself.

Many of those confessions revolve around mothers not feeling appreciated, or feeling it's endless thankless work, or about how angry and resentful it makes them toward their husbands...and they act like they were fooled and no one told them how bad it was. I'm really starting to wonder if motherhood is not the ultimate rook, and it's taboo because people have too much pride to admit they've fallen into the trap. I can see how knowing about others in the same position would make them feel better.

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Jellyfish
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Oh don't you just love it when someone tells you what God's will is for your life? UGH!!!!***Running away screaming****

I can almost picture God sitting up there, shaking his head and saying, "no, no, no, you guys are taking being fruitful and multiplying way out of context."

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Chipmunk
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Fiddle:

Your comment reminds me of a cartoon I saw on "Unscripted"

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Last edited by happytobechildfree; 06/05/07 01:39 PM.

Save your own life - don't have kids!
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