BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids child obsessed moms

hi everyone! i thought about this topic yesterday when i was at work at the gym. a woman who used to teach there came in to work out.i really don't see her that often. she was saying how she never gets to come anymore b/c now she's "a mom". she said her mother will watch her daughter once in a while but that's it. the thing is we do have a babysitting service which i work weekdays mornings. it's not that expensive and a lot of parents use it. i understand that having kids means you have a lot less "me" time but like i said i know parents who bring their kids twice even three times a week while they work out. and this woman only has one kid.some of the other parents have two, three, and even four kids.

i just don't understand these child obssessed parents. i mean one of my best friends has two kids and she's not like that at all. she has an outside life and can talk about other things. it is actually b/c of this that i do want to hear about her kids.

i want to make it clear that i dont' believe that all parents are "child obssessed."i just dont' get the ones that are.

i mean you can't come one hour a week at least and work out.give me a break! i just personally dont' think it's good for the parent or the child to have a parent who is "child obssessed."

i'm married but still i'm not with my hubby all the time!we have a great marriage but being with him 24/7 would drive me crazy!

indigo

I saw the header and followed this thread to your board. I am married with four children, so perhaps I can give you a different point of view.

There are many ways of doing things, and few systems are right for everyone. If your friend is enjoying being with her child almost all of the time, then it is clearly working for her. She may have discovered that yoga at home is more fun than trudging to the gym with assorted bottles, bags and diapers. It may be that your friend is having a prolonged "babymoon", as I like to call it. Parents do actually fall in love with their children, and can feel compelled to be with them all the time. It's an amazing feeling.

That being said, I do know of at least one individual who is completely enmeshed with her child. She has no friends of her own and no career or hobby. Everything she does revolves around the boy. I find this extremely sad and unhealthy.

take care-

Lorel

while I understand that parents falls in love with their children and feel compelled to be with them all the time, I think that it is imperative that they take outside time...for the mental health of themself and their child!

Kids need space too. Kids need to learn to be with someone OTHER than mom. The may grow up completely dependant....or grow up and RUN AWAY.

I dont have kids, but my mother was certainly child-obsessed. Though it seems to be even worse now. Moms, take sometime to develop yourself. You are the main female role model for your children. You have the power to show them that women can be many things! If they choose to be parents, great. Or they can choose to focus on a passion...they can be what they want to be

My sister is child-obsessed. It's a shame because she has great kids but they are a bit neurotic and over controlled. She has personal reasons for being paranoid about her kid's safety, but I wish she could let them develop more independence, it would be so good for them. Luckily, she's an all around pretty good mom, not too extreme.

I know a couple other parents that are doing a great job of giving their kids space and their behavior is much better. Those kids don't have tantrums and act out so much, they are also more calm in general. Very refreshing.

I agree with Lorel, at least she is not shlepping all the baby junk around taking over entire areas -- example: the moms at Starbucks or Second Cup (Canada).

They treat these coffee houses like kindergartens or playgroups: these mothers come in, enjoy their cup of java, and let their "little bundles of love" take over the place. At times one has to walk over and around all the toys and kids playing on the (dirty) floor to find a seat, and if you dare try to re-arrange their stuff on the ground in order to pull a chair out, they glare at you as if you are a "child-hater" and invading "THEIR territory".

People go to these places for reflection; to get a few minutes away from the office; to read; to write, while enjoying a coffee -- unfortunately, most times it is so noisy with screaming babies/children and loud-talking mommies discussing their nappies, breast-feedings, lack of sleep, etc., that one just wants to get out of there. It is inconsiderate of them (perhaps it is their plan... "let's chase everyone away and have our own place to go to with our children!" LOL ) and a reflection of what parenthood has become.

Alas, bad parent behaviour and lack of respect for the fellow human is everwhere: museums and libraries are no longer 'quiet'. Children are running around and parents do not tell their children to stop running or to be quiet: they are not explaining to them, or teaching them about social behaviour. Same thing at restaurants: there are so many family-friendly restaurants, why oh why, do parents insist on taking their children to restaurants obviously not meant for (their) children. It really isn't fair. Why do we have to put up with the sounds of children everywhere? I can understand airplanes (although, for the business traveller, shouldn't there be child-free flights?). I guess I'm a monster for suggesting that?

Why is everything 'child-friendly', 'family-friendly', yet we can never have days at places that are 'child-free', as if by wanting peace and quiet and adult conversation at a restaurant, museum, library or even my local coffee shop, it is a crime, a sign of intolerance for children.
It is not!
It is not selfish to not always want children around!

Before parents became parents, I can assure you that they too, did not always want noisy children around. Why is it as they become parents, they forget that?
What is happening is that, where I never really noticed children around that much because there were places that were nice and quiet, society over the past decade or so has decided that children are the most important thing in the world and to be worshipped and accepted with their ill-behaviour (what parents call "normal child behaviour", which I call: lack of discipline and education), now more and more I find myself becoming intolerant because I can't seem to find quiet (child-free) places!
Is it too much to ask?

As for the child-obsessed moms...
My BF's best friend and wife (they've been together for 18 years), started having children 3 years ago. Her overprotection and obsession with, especially the eldest, is disturbing. She spent his entire first year with a baby monitor glued to her ear and would go running to him whenever there was a sound, even a sigh in his sleep. She never let anyone hold him; she never reprimends his bad behaviour (she actually took him out of day-care, because when she went to see him, he and the other children were playing quietly and she said that "it isn't natural for children to be quiet. They are children and should do whatever they feel like. Children have to be children"); she barely leaves the house without him; she has no friends, except through her husband (she has 2 out-of-town friends from high school); she has no topic of conversation other than her children or my relationship with my BF "you want kids, don't you? 'cause I know that G does". (He doesn't, by the way).

It is sad, because she is a smart, very sweet and loving woman, but has become uninteresting and has lost herself to her boys. How can one tell her she needs help?
Even her husband stays away: he's always been a workaholic; however, he now gets home later and later and works on the weekends (his partner, a friend, has said that there is no reason for him to be at work, as the company is doing well).

I don't know... any thoughts?

Totally agree. I think of two friends who had babies while I was in my 20's. One was the classic first baby overprotective mother. The other had twins, and if the parents wanted time out, the twins were left with whoever would take them (in a good way), and the rest of the time they went wherever their active parents went. By the time they were all two, the last time I saw them all, mother #1 couldn't find anyone to babysit, because if she left the kid would just scream and fret and cry all night. The twins were absolute joys ... well behaved, independent, social, and perfectly happy to hang out with anyone and everyone.

I'm not really qualified to comment about daycare, not having kids, but I can't personally see that spending time with other children and adults can harm a baby at all. Are they ever too young to be learning good social skills?

And Piscean Goddess has a great point - when I was a kid I wouldn't DARE even raise my voice in a library, but now when I go in there there's squealing replicants everywhere. It seems like bars are about the only place you can go where you won't be assailed by kids on all sides. I feel your frustration. But god forbid that they should have things like "adult only communities" ...

I am a mom of a four year old. I went to Vegas for the first time, to meet college friends for one girl's bachelorette recently, without hubby and son, of course!

I was appalled and a bit frightened, seeing all the babies and little ones in casinos, late at night, with all that drinking, smoking and swearing all around them.

I was ashamed of those parents. Truly ashamed.

As I am here at home, when I see terrible behavior on a child's part and a nearby parent doing nothing to intervene.

Unfortunately, I found out a long time ago that to say something to the parent or the child results in absolute disaster for all concerned. I have been accused of being a child hater, a child abuser and a 'criminal' when I once told a mother in a McDonald's to please ask her bigger, older child to stop throwing smaller tots around inside the ball pit thingy they had there and hitting them in the face with his fist.

If you see this when you are out in public, do not confront the person or her/his child directly: complain to the manager and insist they be moved or that you be allowed to do so, immediately.

AND ALWAYS TELL THEM EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE REQUESTING THIS MOVE.

Totally agree. I think of two friends who had babies while I was in my 20's. One was the classic first baby overprotective mother. The other had twins, and if the parents wanted time out, the twins were left with whoever would take them (in a good way), and the rest of the time they went wherever their active parents went. By the time they were all two, the last time I saw them all, mother #1 couldn't find anyone to babysit, because if she left the kid would just scream and fret and cry all night. The twins were absolute joys ... well behaved, independent, social, and perfectly happy to hang out with anyone and everyone.

Parents of these "hothouse flowers" don't seem to realize that keeping their kids from becoming resourceful and flexible is hardly doing them any favors. I adore my twin niece and nephew; they're very well-behaved. But it seems that they have to ALWAYS be interfacing with an adult in order to be happy. I don't get it. I was off reading a book for hours ina big armchair by the time I was 7. It'll be interesting to see what happens next....they're 13 now. I wonder how adolescence is going to affect their "underfoot" nature.

And Piscean Goddess has a great point - when I was a kid I wouldn't DARE even raise my voice in a library, but now when I go in there there's squealing replicants everywhere. It seems like bars are about the only place you can go where you won't be assailed by kids on all sides. I feel your frustration. But god forbid that they should have things like "adult only communities".

The library was always like a church for me...you wouldn't even think about raising your voice beyond a whisper.

On the adult communities...how come the over-55s are the only ones who are allowed to have them? I don't understand the reasoning! Maybe it's like a fraternity hazing thing: "You're over 55, so we assume you don't have kids in the house by now. You've paid your dues. We'll let you in." What if you never had kids to begin with? Sheesh...

Just wanted to comment that there are lots of family-friendly restaurants around - it would be nice to have some that are off-limits to kids, or at least young kids. (this used to be the case for fancy restaurants, and still is in general, but not always).

As a parent, after I've gone to the trouble to arrange babysitting and am out on the town with my hubby, I'd love to have a wonderful supper and not hear toddler or baby voices ... that is what I am taking a holiday from, after all! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and being with them, but I still need a hot date every once and a while.

Andie

Wouldn't it be great if some restaurants, especially upscale ones, would institute a rule such as "No children under age of 12 after 8pm" or something like that? I would certainly go to a place like that for a special occasion if I could be guaranteed a wonderful dining experience without the chance of children crying or being loud to ruin the evening. I'm sure childfree people and parents who arranged sitters so they could have a "hot date" would patronize such places.

Cindy