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Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #318800
06/01/07 02:52 PM
06/01/07 02:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 335
Canada
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MomsPaula Offline
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Confront your sorrow and make it happiness. Confront your fear and make it strength. These are entities. These things are hidinng behind your child. You like the person who is your child. What you have a problem with is your fears and your sorrows. You have the power to change these things. Emotions are seemingly huge and overpowering obsticles that are easy-easy to change. You start with perspective and fresh air and prayer.

Good luck!

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #320745
06/09/07 04:58 AM
06/09/07 04:58 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
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Dez Offline
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If you are constantly focusing on how much you don't like being a mom, you will never like being a mom, and she will always be tense around you because she will sense that.

Retrain your thinking now. You may never love it, but you don't have to hate it. Nothing is easy in life, but don't let your daughter ruin everything you have, that's your choice to make. Choose to smile at her instead of frown, eventually you will train yourself to smile without thinking. As she gets older and a bit more independant, she will be less of a drag. Don't stop traveling because you have a child - children are meant to be blended into OUR lives, not the other way around.

At work they say, smile when you speak because then you always sound happy...it is impossible to sound mean while you are smiling. Practice smiling about being a mom, it will eventually change. You don't ever have to love it, no one does 100% of the time...you just don't want to hate it. It's too late now anyway.

At risk of sounding insensitive, My personal opinion is that it is selfish to choose to have a child and then decide you don't want to be a mother. The child had no choice in the matter, but she will be a reflection of your feelings toward her.

Dez

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #322899
06/17/07 10:37 PM
06/17/07 10:37 PM
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Posts: 312
Mississippi USA
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cela Offline
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Do you remember any good times as a child--like someone reading to you or taking time to teach you to cook? Remember how special you felt? When you do these things for a child, you are special. When a child depends on you, you are the most important person to that child. You are VERY important to your child.

Look into your child's eyes. That helped me connect with mine. There is a saying, "Bloom where you are planted." You have been transplanted to the "Parent Garden." Try to blossom--be the best parent you can be. At least, when the child is grown, you will have nothing to regret. While you are trying to blossom in this new garden, take time for yourself. My heart goes out to you and your child. I hope you will decide to love her. Love is truly a choice, and your child deserves the best choice.

Maybe part of your fear is that you will not do a good enough job. No one does a perfect job. Just try to do your best. To me, the most important things you can do for your child are (a) love her, (b) teach her empathy, and (c) help her become what she wants to be. Remember, you don't have to be perfect--just give it your best try. Do not be hard on yourself. Be fair to yourself and your child.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #322943
06/18/07 02:49 AM
06/18/07 02:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
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I do not think you are alone in the way you feel. I love my daughter (2 months) but I am not thrilled with the demands she has put on me. I am trying to find balance in my life with placing her with a sitter or daycare several times a week to let me have some time to myself and with my husband. We schedule a date night once a week. Also, we have scheduled to have some weekends away without her. As women, we are led to believe that a natural mommy gene kicks in and every thing is great, but everyone is different. It's okay to not like everything about motherhood, however, try to focus on the way you can achieve some of your old life to satisfy your needs and the time you spend with your child will be better. You still can have a great relationship with you husband and you child. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to give up you old life completely, you just need to plan ahead. I know everyone does not feel the same about raising children and that is okay but you need to form a plan that will work for you and your husband. If that means scheduling the baby with childcare of some sort to give you more time so be it. There is no right or wrong way of child rearing. Do what is best for you, your husband, and child. It's all about balance. Good Luck!

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: simp] #323264
06/18/07 09:44 PM
06/18/07 09:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 32
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Jennyt Offline OP
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Thank you MomsPaula, Dez, Cela, Simp! I really appreciate your advice and understanding. I know I'm probably the 5% or less who are so scared of being a mom. But I wanted to get help, I pray that I'll be able to enjoy this process. I am not just complaining, I talked to conselors, I talked to my husband, I posted here because I know this is not healthy for me, for my baby, and my whole family. I think I'm doing better and better now. Actually both me and my husband spend as much time as possible with our daugther, we sing, we tell stories, we laugh. We started to enjoy her a lot more, maybe because she is not yet the terrible 2. smile But we used to talk a lot, about investment, about our own business, about everything in life. But now we spend all the time with a baby, and by the time she goes to sleep, I am already very tired. So you are right, I need to come up with a plan to make sure we still have "us" time. I keep telling myself, I'm already a very lucky person, I should just enjoy what I have and appreciate them.

Thank you again!

Last edited by Jennyt; 06/18/07 09:45 PM.
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #323543
06/20/07 12:07 AM
06/20/07 12:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 312
Mississippi USA
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cela Offline
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You sound so much more upbeat. Congratulations. As the song says, "Keep on the sunny side." Also, VERY IMPORTANT, remember you do not have to do a perfect job--only do your best. Hugs to you.


cela
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: cela] #323544
06/20/07 12:12 AM
06/20/07 12:12 AM
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Mississippi USA
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cela Offline
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Oh, I forgot. Terrible 2's are not so terrible if you don't fight them. Just remind yourself that, at two, your child can't help saying, "no." Let it roll off your back. She will outgrow it whether you get upset about her "attitude" or just grin and bear it. Concentrate more on modeling the behavior you want her to learn than on controlling hers.


cela
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: cela] #323576
06/20/07 03:37 AM
06/20/07 03:37 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Maryland
babyquacker Offline
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Jenny, congratulations! Cela is right! You sound so UPBEAT and confident! You sound like a happy, proud mother!

I am so glad that you came back to post and let us know how you are doing!! You HAVE made the adjustment from NO CHILDREN to PARENTHOOD and it sounds like you are really doing a good job! A good mother does read stories, sing and play with her baby, and does get tired. So my suggestion is to take a nap, whenever your little girl takes a nap, so you have more energy for your husband at night!

Children don't really have a "whole year" of bad behaviors like terrible twos or frightful fours. Usually those are when there are big growth spurts or alot of independent steps being taken. They don't last very long and if you have patience and good humor, you will realize that she is just growing up from what you are used to. Again, Cela had excellant advice about concentrating on modelling the behavior you want her to learn.

I am so happy to hear that you no longer "hate being a mom" and are trying to do all the things that you are doing. It really sounds like you have a great attitude, and that is going to make all the difference in the world, as your daughter grows up to be a "BRIGHT STAR" in your life! It does get a little easier each passing year, I think.

I wish you continued good luck and best wishes! God bless you and your husband, Jenny, as you continue to work together to be loving parents!

Trish

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #330327
07/22/07 09:34 PM
07/22/07 09:34 PM
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As always, I am the late one to the party - but I have been waiting four years for some kind of connection to my child or an understanding as to what part of this parenting thing I am supposed to be enjoying. It is strangely reassuring to find another individual who didn't get all warm and fuzzy the moment their child was born.

Before child - I had freedom, money, hobbies, friends, a name . . . everything I had worked for 30 years to achieve - gone in the "blink of an eye" (or a push of the uterine muscles).

Now I have 3 jobs - mother, wife, employee - with no break in sight. I do not enjoy it, but have learned to "fake it" - so my child and spouse hopefully are not aware. I no longer have any friends, no time for hobbies, no freedom/time for anything enjoyable, and no name (I've become ****'s wife or *****'s mother).

If I hear one more person tell me I'm doing the toughest, but most rewarding, job there is - I have vowed to be sick on their shoes. This was truly the biggest mistake I ever made, and one that I cannot get out of, since my spouse didn't/wouldn't consider adoption.

For those who enjoy children (and the screaming - 6 hours a day, mess, and constraints) more power to you. But for anyone who has not had a child and stumbled upon this forum - please carefully consider you decision and don't let anyone talk you into having a child if you don't want one. If only . . . . (i say that alot these days)

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: LokiRav13] #330817
07/24/07 08:28 PM
07/24/07 08:28 PM
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Jennyt Offline OP
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LokiRav13, I'm totally with you. I might have posted a more positive message earlier, but I don't think my feeling changes, I just tried, or forced myself to feel better and live one day at a time. Otherwise I will be depressed every minute I live. This is hard and harder that we have no way out but to live with this mistake.

I also feel sorry for myself and my hubby about losing "us" in this kid world. Before the baby, we have each other, we love and care for each other, we both love traveling and exploring the world. But now, we feel old, indifferent and just bored.

Seriously, people said they feel bored so they have a baby and their world is filled with joy. Good for you. But for me, reading the same story 10 times a day is boring, potty training is boring, going to the playground every weekend is boring, struggling to brush her teeth every night is boring and painful.

I still think the best solution for us is to find another couple who can raise our daugther, while we can still support her either financially, or even babysit her once in a while. Or I got striken by lightening so I all of a sudden feel the joy of being a mom. Otherwise, I will never get out of this big hole I dug for myself.

Last edited by Jennyt; 07/24/07 08:29 PM.
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