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Need support - I hate being a mom #318631
05/31/07 09:24 PM
05/31/07 09:24 PM
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Jennyt Offline OP
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Jennyt  Offline OP
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Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom. I felt like I missed out my life, my freedom. My life was perfect without her. My hubby and I were madly in love and we travel a lot. We still wanted to do so much adventure together, but now we are trapped in this parenting world. Anyway I know I have no way out but try to be a good mom. But talking to someone who understand would really help.

p.s., we've gone through some conceling but doesn't help. Because basically we just made a big mistake..

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #318638
05/31/07 09:39 PM
05/31/07 09:39 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 335
Canada
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MomsPaula Offline
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Hey, I not saying that you didn't but this little person is going to grow on you. Kids can travel too. And, be great fun. You can still work full-time. Maybe even have a parent who will babysit while you and hubby take a little vacation together. Kids can drain you. Perspective will drain you more!! Look at what you have, build on your relationship. It is good I promise. Also, have you checked with a doctor. You may have postpartum depression. The symptoms can be evry much like that. However, work on a good bond because you will be connected for a long-long time!

Got to run to football... I would much rather curl up and read, but hey you deal. I am taking a book!

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #318657
05/31/07 11:40 PM
05/31/07 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom. I felt like I missed out my life, my freedom. My life was perfect without her. My hubby and I were madly in love and we travel a lot. We still wanted to do so much adventure together, but now we are trapped in this parenting world. Anyway I know I have no way out but try to be a good mom. But talking to someone who understand would really help.

p.s., we've gone through some conceling but doesn't help. Because basically we just made a big mistake..


I am so sorry for how you are feeling but Paula is right it will grow on you... I dont have any children and never will for the same reasons you specified and believe me I so feel for you being in this position.It would not be easy but now you have a child and as much as you would like to you cant take it back.

Look at the positives and there are many of them.Join some support groups and make sure you get time away from her so you can have some special times for you and your husband. Although you made a mistake in having her everything happens for a reason.

Try to be strong...It will get easier.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #318662
06/01/07 12:17 AM
06/01/07 12:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,169
Portland, OR, USA
Julie - Computer Careers Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom.


Jenny -

Do get checked for postpartum depression, it can certainly cause exactly the feelings you have! On the other hand, it is perfectly normal to dislike being a mom as long as you also have times when you like or love being a mom. Becoming a mom is a transition and it's normal to have mixed feelings about any transition. Do you have different feelings about the though of parenting your daughter at different ages? For instance, being her mom as a toddler or elementary school age? I decided not to bear children because I don't have any of the enjoyment that most people seem to get from babies. I'm great with babies, but I don't particularly enjoy them - toddlers on up is a whole other story (except for teenagers, their job is to be obnoxious most of the time.) My now-ex-husband's kids lived with us full time from elementary school through high school, the youngest stayed with me for a few months after her dad moved out because it was the best place for her. Sometimes I loved being a full-time parent, sometimes I hated it. If you really and truly believe that you are just not cut out for parenting, then maybe you should give your daughter up for adoption. It's a serious and extreme decision, but if your feelings are that strong, it might be the best thing you can do for your daughter.

Best of Luck,
Julie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Julie - Computer Careers] #318666
06/01/07 12:50 AM
06/01/07 12:50 AM
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Central Florida
JanZeiger Offline
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Please get help right away. I think you can call your OB about this..

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: JanZeiger] #318694
06/01/07 03:07 AM
06/01/07 03:07 AM
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Malamutes own me Offline
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Hi Jenny,

I just took the time to go back and look at your previous posts and it looks like you first posted about this approx 15 months ago when your daughter was 2 months old.

I was raised by a parent who didn't want me. She never wanted children but had me because it was "what you're meant to do when you're married". The marriage broke down when I was quite young and neither of them really wanted to take me, but Mum got stuck with me. I'm now 25 and still going to counselling because I always felt like I wasn't wanted and definitely wasn't loved. To make up for that i tried everything possible to make her proud of me/love me - straight A student, debator, award winning, neat, tidy, clean the house etc. I basically had no real "off" time as there was the constant thing of "not being what she wanted". In arguments she would say that she "wished she never had me" and I was the "worst thing to happen to her life". I used to wish that I was really not hers so that one day a loving family could take care of me. My grandparents were the shining lights in the situation though as they loved me to bits and I'm extremely close to them. They really took over raising me mid-way through my life. Currently I haven't talked to my mum in over 4 years and hopefully will never have to again in my life.

As young as your daughter is, children can sense what you're feeling and will have a reaction to it that will only get worse as she gets older.

Would your parents or In-laws be able to raise her for you? Is adoption completely out of the question? How is your husband coping with everything - what's his take on the situation?

As hard as giving her up may be for you, possibly it's the best thing for her. She'd be with a loving family who can enjoy her whilst you can enjoy being the person that you want to be. That's not selfish at all; keeping her because you see no other options could be though.

I hope that you can find the best solution for you, your husband and your daughter.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Malamutes own me] #318709
06/01/07 04:19 AM
06/01/07 04:19 AM
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iwonder Offline
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My first thought was postpartum depression. But, after reading more, the length of time and then dear Malamutes own me, oh my. I feel for you, I feel for your child, Malamutes I feel for you too.
If you both feel that you made a big mistake, it may be a bigger mistake for you to continue trying. Your child deserves more. I am so sorry for your family.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: iwonder] #318762
06/01/07 12:14 PM
06/01/07 12:14 PM
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Posts: 335
Canada
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MomsPaula Offline
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Something else to consider is that if the situation was caused by PPD, the feeling that the depression generates are still real, and that means that the damage and distance felt by you doesn't magically disappear as the PPD subsides. You have to work at retraining your thinking.

Honestly, the babe that I had which prompted PPD, caused me to have negative feelings for that child and there have been many times over the years that I have had to force feelings that I sadly thought should flow naturally. I have had to sit myself down and remind myself that I really do love that sweet little boy.

I think that this causes relationship breakdowns sometimes. So "working" on the bond is very important. I also think managing this is part of what parenting is. I know the rewards of trying, and the work, are immense. And I also know that the relationship that you work a little harder to develop, than the average mom/child relationship, is a super strong one.

As I said, again, it comes down to perspective. It is true how you think will be revealed.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: MomsPaula] #318767
06/01/07 12:26 PM
06/01/07 12:26 PM
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Canada
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MomsPaula Offline
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My computer is blacking out, so I had to post. If you feel sorrow for the lack of bond; your child will feel your sadness and try to bring comfort. If you feel animosity, your child will be afraid. If you are indifferent; your child may loose the ability to know empathy. Just contemplating. However, perspective, even for your own emotional health, is truely trainable and important.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: MomsPaula] #318785
06/01/07 01:50 PM
06/01/07 01:50 PM
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Jennyt Offline OP
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Thank you all so much for your support. Last year this time, we were going through the worst time in our lives because we were trying to decide whether to place her up for adoption. I agree with you all, until today, I think she is better off with other family who love her dearly. But we are from a traditional asian family, we can't do this because our family, friends, everyone will make us live like hell. To us, that's probably a harder way than raising her, because now I can post annoimously here and nobody will judge me... It is very sad. We are so lucky, my parents have been helping out a lot. She is almost 2 now. But very soon we'll be her sole guardians and will need to live with her for the next 16 years. I'm so scared, so sad. Thank you so much again, I really just wanted to talk it outloud..

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