logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
#316033 05/22/07 04:36 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
D
das Offline OP
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
D
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
I think that watching porno is cheating your partner. Comment.

Sponsored Post Advertisement
das #316037 05/22/07 05:52 AM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Not if your partner watches with you.

Further comment.

Alexandra #316100 05/22/07 10:13 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
D
das Offline OP
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
D
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 674
Very good answer. What if you are alone? I intended that.

das #324722 06/25/07 03:52 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
I think porn is not really cheating on your partner. I most definitely think its disrespectful but I think as humans we are curious to see it. Some people are obsessed with it, but for some its more of curiousity. It all depends on the situation.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
cute_boriqua #324835 06/26/07 02:35 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Watching once or twice should be sufficient if you are curious?
What if somebody watches it for long?

Modern Woman #324850 06/26/07 03:38 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Watching porn isn't cheating. Period. If one does not have ANY interaction (no physical contact, no spoken words, not even text!) with someone outside of the relationship, how is that cheating?I think people need to distinguish between cheating and breech of trust. Cheating is only one kind of breech; there are others that are NOT cheating.

If your partner knows you watch porn, and is OK with it, there is no problem with watching, or with the relationship because of it.

If your partner doesn't know you watch, you should discuss it to avoid major problems.

If you are hiding from your partner that you are watching porn, knowing that they would not approve, you are in an obvious breech of promise scenerio.

Insert just about any major relationship issue where I referenced watching porn and it pretty much applies. You have no problems when honesty and compromise lead the relationship, no matter the topic.


Happily Living The Childfree Life!
M.B. #324851 06/26/07 04:36 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
How do you differentiate between cheating and breach of trust? your post is very interesting.

Modern Woman #324898 06/26/07 10:13 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Ok....simply put porn is not cheating but too much porn is mental illness. What if your man is watching 12 year olds in porn or adult girls acting like 12 year olds or man on man....that is just weird and disgusting. He is missing something that you are not providing. He is quite possibly and most probably choking the chicken more with the little DVD player than with you..."so he is getting it elsewhere" hence being sick and "cheating" in the fantasy; masturbating sense.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
cute_boriqua #324921 06/26/07 11:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 4
M
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
M
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 4
Ok, if he's watching 12 year olds or adult females acting like 12 year olds, it's nothing that you are doing wrong. He is just a sick twisted puppy. He desparetly needs mental help, that's called being a pediphile. If he gets turned on by men on men....he's with the wrong person! I would get out fast and never look back.


Have Faith and Pray!
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 333
M
Shark
Offline
Shark
M
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 333
I am drasticially offended with gay sex being lumped in a category with pedophiles...and there is nothing weird or disgusting about gay sex... this is of course completely off topic - but judgements irk me- just because you personally aren't gay doesn't make it weird or disgusting for those of us that are...blah

on to the subject I think it can be cheating - it just depends on the relationships and the prefrences of the people involved - its a convo to be had in any relationship


Mindy, Adoption Editor
Adoption Site
Mindy - #324969 06/26/07 02:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
I totally agree with u mindy, and for the person who said, quote
"He is missing what your not providing" well many women are not into anus sex if that should b one of his preferences, amoung other things


Rosie L
"Rosie" #324997 06/26/07 03:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
First of all I dont have a problem with gay sex...i'm totally cool with it...but think about it from a perspective of a straight couple and the man is all hot and heavy with male on male action (cuz female on female is the rage among men). He obviously is needing something that his WOMAN cant provide. And I'm not trying to "lump it with pedophiles", but to make everyone happy...porn can be classified as pedophilish, screwing dead people, animals, same sex, gang bang, interracial, etc etc etc. I agree that it depends on the couple but someone is asking if it cheating and when a guy is spanking the monkey to porn instead of partner be it man or woman then there is a problem. It's like indulging in something a little too much. And we should all be aware that when you are getting off that way your body becomes dependent on that and it becomes more difficult to get stimulated via other ways. Secondly...ok if a guy is into anal BUT if he's obsessing over anal sex porn, that is not going to convince his wife even more to do it nor will he get the same feeling by watching it.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Modern Woman #325047 06/26/07 08:33 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Originally Posted By: cdmohatta
How do you differentiate between cheating and breach of trust? your post is very interesting.


Cheating (in my book) must involve some form of interaction. Breeches of trust are any actions which go outside the parameters of what is considered acceptable within the relationship. Those will vary widely. Every relationship is different and has different "rules."

I do not disagree with the references to mental illness regarding issues like pedophilia and obsessive/constant viewing of porn. But being mentally ill is a different issue from cheating, even in the context of porn, isn't it?


Happily Living The Childfree Life!
M.B. #325086 06/27/07 01:25 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Thanks.

Modern Woman #325146 06/27/07 09:15 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Well at exactly what point do you go from enjoying porn, REALLY enjoying porn to being mentally obsessed with it? I mean how does the person on the outside know? Scenario...you get on your home computer and you see a whole bunch of porn history on it....do you know if that has been viewed in a short period of time or over months? How can you tell? (I mean I can tell but to someone who is not very computer literate...)If your spouse likes you dressing up as a school girl ok...but when he wants you to call him daddy??? Ok thats just weird. Some people like role play...God knows I do but if my husband was looking at what we do in our role play online or on videos and masterbating...then thats outside of our "contract" of role playing. Its no longer something between us.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
cute_boriqua #325148 06/27/07 09:19 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Will a man not get excited watching porn?

Modern Woman #325150 06/27/07 09:22 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Well it depends...if he is watching it to get excited yes, but I think that if he ran across it but wasnt into it he will see it and move on with no problem. My exhusband thought it was disgusting.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
cute_boriqua #325153 06/27/07 09:27 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
You think that a man can watch porn and move on without getting excited? Is that in his control?

Modern Woman #325154 06/27/07 09:28 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Yes, if somebody finds porn disgusting, it will not excite him. Right?

Modern Woman #325161 06/27/07 09:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 25
Obviously.


You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
cute_boriqua #325295 06/27/07 10:02 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
D
Dez Offline
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
I do belive that viewing porn of any kind is cheating. But then I define cheating a little differently that purely "physical" interaction. I believe that it is cheating to be emotionally involved with anyone besides your spouse - and that includes someone on a magazine page, in a movie, or on a computer screen. I don't care if you never talk to them, if they are so alluring that they physically stimulate you so that you prefer that over your wife/husband - that's cheating.

Dez

Dez #325329 06/28/07 12:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
I was thinking of cheating the same way, Dez.

Mindy - #327689 07/09/07 10:27 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
I agree with myrabeth and Mindy86. Women tend to get tweaked about man watching porn and turn it around into something being wrong with them or the relationship. That's crazy!

Please remember ... it's just watching and fantasizing. Lots of studies say that women have rape fantasies. Do they really want to be raped? No!!! But, the mind offers us rich, wonderful and creative thoughts that are nothing more than thoughts.

Having an open discussion with your partner, as myrabeth suggests, is a great idea. You probably want to ask him why he enjoys watching 12-year-old girl porn or gay porn. He may not even be fully aware why, but it's good to get it out there. And there's nothing wrong in you telling him, in a loving nonjudgmental way, how you feel about his porn watching.

Most men watch porn. Period. Many women do, too. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship, and it may even enhance it because it allows him to explore those sorts of things in his mind without having to make up uncomfortable by, let's say, playing an adolescent girl. If he's an addict, that's a different story, but it would be the same if he were addicted to booze, pot, etc.


Kat Wilder #327886 07/10/07 03:29 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Are you sure that it is crazy?

Modern Woman #328297 07/12/07 09:46 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
cdmohatta,
What I mean by crazy is that the woman thinks there's something wrong with HER if HER MAN does something (like watch or whatever). Why wouldn't the thing "wrong" be WITH HIM??? Or, better yet, why can't he enjoy something just because he enjoys it. I liked fantasizing about having sex with Johnny Depp, but that didn't mean I didn't love my (now ex-)husband (um, when I did love him!!) Nor did it mean there was something "wrong" with the ex.

Same thing if she thinks there's something wrong with the relationship if he watches porn, wants to play poker with his buddies Friday night, etc. Shouldn't people in relationships have their own interests that they do without their partners as well as the ones they do together? Doesn't that make for a healtier person and a healthier relationship?

Kat Wilder #328354 07/12/07 07:17 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
umm, Kat, noo.... my husband has different interests than I do, like playing poker with his buddies and brothers, or playing baseball with the guys at work, or hunting with his brothers, sons and buddies, but that is not the same as watching porn. Nope. Sorry. That's not even in the same encyclopedia of "fun things" that we share as a married couple, either together or separately. We both do what we want to do, but that is not one of the things! If there is any "porn" in our house, it is what we DO when we make love, and it's not in front of cameras or people.

Fantasizing is a WHOLE lot different. Role playing can be fun, like the yogurt commercial on TV. The french speaking woman in the maid's uniform is sitting on the mans' lap and feeding him yogurt, when their daughter walks in, sees them and rolls her eyes, and they just grin. Now, that's healthy and sexy! That is not the same as watching sex or "porn", which I also think can be unhealthy! I agree that watching porn is a form of emotional cheating. A person isn't learning real life that way. They're only be somewhat "entertained".

Trish

babyquacker #328417 07/13/07 12:06 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
I hear you, Trish .. but isn't what passes for TV nowadays � "Survivor," "America's Top Model," "American Idol," "Jackass" � and especially the daytime TV shows like Oprah � "entertainment"?

Why is one entertainment better than another (and I'll have to say that shows like the above are as mindless or worse than porn. Is it just because there's nudity and sex in porn? Have you looked at the music videos on MTV lately or things like "Desparate Housewives"? I don't watch TV so I don't know for sure, but ... there's a lot of sexual innuendo (or more) and infidelities and immorality and rudeness and meanness and don't even get me started on the confessional Jerry Springer-like shows -- are those better? I'm just curious, that's all.

Kat Wilder #328434 07/13/07 01:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Originally Posted By: Kat Wilder
cdmohatta,
What I mean by crazy is that the woman thinks there's something wrong with HER if HER MAN does something (like watch or whatever). Why wouldn't the thing "wrong" be WITH HIM??? Or, better yet, why can't he enjoy something just because he enjoys it. I liked fantasizing about having sex with Johnny Depp, but that didn't mean I didn't love my (now ex-)husband (um, when I did love him!!) Nor did it mean there was something "wrong" with the ex.

Same thing if she thinks there's something wrong with the relationship if he watches porn, wants to play poker with his buddies Friday night, etc. Shouldn't people in relationships have their own interests that they do without their partners as well as the ones they do together? Doesn't that make for a healtier person and a healthier relationship?


Good post, Kat.
Is porn healthy?

Modern Woman #328449 07/13/07 01:31 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
Elephant
Offline
Elephant
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
when it affects your everyday life, yes it is unhealthy. If not, then porn can be a healthy alternative to cheating or to a sexual life.

The point here is when is it unhealthy? When they become obsessed? When they cannot function without porn? When the center of their universe is the porn and the porn stars?


J. Ruel - Gay Lesbian News Editor

Check out the latest article on the Gay Lesbian SITE or Join us in the FORUM

Questions? Comments? Story Ideas? SUBMIT THEM HERE

Former Editor of the HIV/AIDS, HAIR, HISPANIC CULTURE, and GAY LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS sites here on BellaOnline!
Lady J #328456 07/13/07 02:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Quote:
then porn can be a healthy alternative to cheating or to a sexual life.


Yes, Jase this is right.

Kat Wilder #328519 07/13/07 12:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Originally Posted By: Kat Wilder
I hear you, Trish .. but isn't what passes for TV nowadays — "Survivor," "America's Top Model," "American Idol," "Jackass" — and especially the daytime TV shows like Oprah — "entertainment"?

Why is one entertainment better than another (and I'll have to say that shows like the above are as mindless or worse than porn. Is it just because there's nudity and sex in porn? Have you looked at the music videos on MTV lately or things like "Desparate Housewives"? I don't watch TV so I don't know for sure, but ... there's a lot of sexual innuendo (or more) and infidelities and immorality and rudeness and meanness and don't even get me started on the confessional Jerry Springer-like shows -- are those better? I'm just curious, that's all.


Yes, that's entertainment, and alot of THAT is stupid, too but it is legal, produced in legal studios, with paid actor/actresses who compete for the part and who have REAL contracts. They are not just about the sex and nudity, like porn, and are not produced like porn where the "actors are solicited" and not usually paid "contract wages". Porn has too many negative facets to make any part of it healthy for the people IN the porn or for society who WATCH the porn, IMHO, like underage prticpants, drugs, illegal activities, etc.

Now Jerry Springer, that's just a total joke, and to think that some people actually believe that it is real! I think he should start every show with a disclaimer which shows his people: prompting the participants on how to act enraged; and when to start swinging; and where to be when they "put on their surprised look". It is so corny. They actually ran a news piece on it last week on how Jerry Springer and his "people" set up all the "actors" AND the action, as stupid as IT is.

Entertainment? I still like the "french" speaking, wife dressed like a maid, sitting on her husband's lap, feeding him yogurt - short play! laugh Commercials entertain.

Trish

Modern Woman #328530 07/13/07 12:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
Anything that interferes from your daily life and your emotional connections to lovers, friends and family, or you ability to work and carry in in a civilized (um, is that what this is?) world, is entering the world of an addiction ... be it alcohol, drugs, gamimg or porn.

However, if it is that upsetting to the woman, the couple should talk about their realistic expectations of his time spent on it, and then she should let him be! (or join in).

Kat Wilder #328569 07/13/07 05:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
Elephant
Offline
Elephant
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
exactly Kat


J. Ruel - Gay Lesbian News Editor

Check out the latest article on the Gay Lesbian SITE or Join us in the FORUM

Questions? Comments? Story Ideas? SUBMIT THEM HERE

Former Editor of the HIV/AIDS, HAIR, HISPANIC CULTURE, and GAY LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS sites here on BellaOnline!
Kat Wilder #328616 07/13/07 10:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Cute cat, Jase. But what part are you saying "exactly" to?

Kat, from what you say, I'm not sure what you mean.

Originally Posted By: Kat Wilder
Anything that interferes from your daily life and your emotional connections to lovers, friends and family, or you ability to work and carry in in a civilized (um, is that what this is?) world, is entering the world of an addiction ... be it alcohol, drugs, gamimg or porn.

However, if it is that upsetting to the woman, the couple should talk about their realistic expectations of his time spent on it, and then she should let him be! (or join in).


Anything that interferes with your daily life ... is entering the world of addiction ... be it alcohol, drugs, gaming or porn. However, if it is that upsetting to the woman, the couple should talk about their realistic expectations of his time spent on it, and then she should let him be! (or join in).

WHAT? ... "then she should let him be! (or join in)."

Are you saying that a wife should join a husband doing alcohol drinking or gaming (legal activities) AS WELL AS drugs (illegal) or porn or just let him do what he wants? We are talking about a marriage, not about going steady. We are talking about committments to love and honor. We are talking about respect. Respect to please your partner and not just yourself.

Trish

babyquacker #328633 07/14/07 08:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
We can not expect a wife to join her husband to do all this.

Modern Woman #328710 07/14/07 06:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
Elephant
Offline
Elephant
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,607
LOL Sorry... to it all I agree (about the different things that can be addictions). I am not sure about the join in one though.

And thanks.. I love my Samson. He's a hellion, but I love him. You can see more of him atBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!


J. Ruel - Gay Lesbian News Editor

Check out the latest article on the Gay Lesbian SITE or Join us in the FORUM

Questions? Comments? Story Ideas? SUBMIT THEM HERE

Former Editor of the HIV/AIDS, HAIR, HISPANIC CULTURE, and GAY LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS sites here on BellaOnline!
Lady J #328733 07/14/07 10:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Jase, he looks like he could give you a good teasing and then catch you coming around the corner just to surprise you! They are good friends, though, aren't they? wink

I'm glad to understand that you meant "exactly" about them ALL being addictions. Yes, they all CAN be addictions and that is too bad.

Trish

babyquacker #328794 07/15/07 10:04 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
D
Dez Offline
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
I stand by my original post.

However, I will add that I do not feel that porn can add a "healthy dimension to a sexual relationship" because it gives unrealistic expectations of women for one, and of what women want for two. It also creates creates an environment of addiction: it takes harder porn to get a man interested over time, which in the long run makes men more unlikely to be satisfied by a "real" woman because they are used to being satisfied by fictional stories and airbrushed women.

Dez

Dez #328870 07/15/07 07:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
The implication in all of the recent posts is that you assume porn is the only outlet the man in question is getting. If he's still getting the real thing from the missus, and the couple is playing by the same old house rules, his expectations in both porn and real life are likely to remain stable.

My fiance has been enjoying pornography for well over a decade. It hasn't turned him into a monster and likely never will. He looks at that stuff and thinks whatever it is he wants to think about it. He still comes into MY bed and plays by OUR rules. He has never expressed any interest in playing out what he sees in porn. Do you want to guess why? He sees the difference between entertainment and actual sex.

It's called choosing an intelligent adult for a partner. It prevents all kinds of problems in a relationship.

Also, I think the implication that all porn is filmed is slimy back rooms with underpaid, under aged, meth-head hookers is very closed minded. Yes, some porn studios are that bad. Not all. Seriously, you could say the same negative things about nearly any industry. Probably the percentages are higher in the erotic film industry. That doesn't mean such circumstances apply to everyone involved in it.


Happily Living The Childfree Life!
M.B. #328885 07/15/07 08:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
There are SOME legitimate studios, indeed, who test their actors and actresses and are truly out to MAKE money. Unfortunately, porn these days involves many different levels and that includes all the kiddos that have webcams in their bedrooms and try to make their "own versions" of porn.

Yes, Myrabeth, some men can enjoy many things and still turn back to "their" woman to fulfull their sexual desires. I still think, however, that what is photographed in the mind's eye, when watching video, is still part of what the brain and body are playing out in the couple's bedroom. I think it takes some of the creativity and spontaneity out of the natural course of actions.

I am glad that your man does not have any addictive behaviors who overuses porn and DOES know the difference between entertainment and actual sex. My question to you is, if he is used to watching it now, and is getting no resistance from you, how are you going to be when you are having "actual sex" at 50 and he is still getting his entertainment watching the bodies of 20 somethings? Do you still think porn will be healthy for your relationship? Or do you think you might be one of the statistics where the man, in his "midlife crisis", wants to find one of those younger, able bodied women he has been watching? Or do you think that without porn, the two of you MIGHT have been able to grow older together, physically AND emotionally?

Trish

das #329001 07/16/07 10:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 61
G
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
G
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 61
Originally Posted By: das
I think that watching porno is cheating your partner. Comment.


I don't think so I watch that with my partner.. we both love it.. but not all the time..


LD
Nursing Job
(Looking for Nursery Job in UK?)
babyquacker #329137 07/16/07 06:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 998
Trish, you sound bitter. Did this happen to you? As for your questions, you don't know me, so maybe I should fill you in.

I'm no idiot. I chose a man who actually wants a nurturing and loving relationship. He isn't trapped and he isn't just in it for the sex. I also chose a man who had a rather wild, hard partying past. He's sown his wild oats and is grateful to have outgrown all that. He's old enough and mature enough to be disgusted by his own wild years. He's now thirty something, career driven, and quite the homebody. I couldn't pay him to leave me.

The women in the porn he watches are already younger and more able bodied than I. So that's a non-issue. Let me explain: Nearly five years ago, when we had only been dating a couple of months, I suffered a serious knee injury. The relationship was young enough that he could have easily backed out and gone looking for a more sexually versatile mate. He didn't. I have arthritis and I've put on a lot of weight. I gained so much muscle in my upper body (compensating for a bad leg when lifting things will do that!) that I'm rather mannish around the shoulders. In short, my body shape and mobility are no longer anything like the svelte 21 year old he hooked up with. My body already has more in common with a 50-ish old married than any porn star. He's still here.

In short, if women would quit marrying the first joker to come along and actually choose their mates (that means to put some thought into it in the early stages, not rely exclusively on all that follow your heart garbage), and hash out the details of individual interests and their effect on the relationship early on (like porn, for example!), there wouldn't be so many fifty something men trading in their wives for younger models, or as much divorce at all, for that matter.

So no, I'm not worried. He likes watching a little porn. He probably always will. He's been doing that since long before he ever laid eyes on me. He still chose me. And he didn't let bedroom limitations drive him out. He stayed in a situation that those statistics you referred to would have left. Why? Because I didn't choose that kind of man. I chose a better one.


Happily Living The Childfree Life!
M.B. #330117 07/20/07 10:27 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
D
Dez Offline
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 127
Glad it worked out for you.

Among many of my ex's faults was his porn. For him, though, the fantasy trancended reality. He wanted me to perform the acts he saw depicted, to include sex with multiple men, solo in front of him, etc etc. I told him this was not my style and he was upset that I didn't want to be part of his fantasy. Now, I am no prude, but these things crossed many moral and loyal lines for me. And then I found he had progressed into beastiality - and that is much too far in my opinion.

Dez

Dez #330212 07/21/07 08:48 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
K
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 110
Dez,
I'm not so sure that the porn itself was at fault. If anything, it allowed him to explore those sides of him, and there's nothing wrong with that.

People are always in flux, and they allow themselves to grow in certain areas or not. He may not have known that he'd be drawn to that when he met you, but when he started feeling that he wanted to, it sounds like you two had a discussion. But, you were not interested in that. That doesn't make his likes better or worse than yours � they're just different.

Now, if he liked those from the beginning and didn't share that with you until after you were involved, that wasn't being very honest ... and that's a much bigger issue than wanting a menage a trois.

It is sad that people have to part, but if it's because their interests have grown apart, well, so be it. I wish you the best.

Kat Wilder #355248 11/20/07 05:43 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
I am trying to determine if my husband is cheating or I am just crazy. My husband works in another town about 20 minutes from my home. he is of work at 5pm and never makes is home before 6. Recently he has started going to work early. If he is late getting home there is an excuse the second he walks in the door. We werent intamite for an entire month, this past month and when I asked him why his answer is that I am never here. I work until about 9pm every night. He will then say it is too late (but stays up until 1am watching tv, or playing video games). I use to check the history on the computer and then he installed a program to make it imposible for me to check. I am worried that he is cheating with someone at work or possibly in the town that he works in, what signs do I look for? Any Ideas? I need some help

angelblueeyes #355261 11/20/07 08:54 AM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582
V
BellaOnline Editor
Wolf
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Wolf
V
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,582
Is it even possible to block the history from being checked?

Go into "TOOLS" on the Internet Explorer bar, scroll down to "Internet Options" and then scroll down to history and see what it is set at. You can set the days and such for items to remain in the history.

However, if they do make such a program and it is installed on your computer, go into the "Start" menu, go into "My Computer" and on your left normally there will be some boxes. Look for "Add/Remove Programs" click on it and a list will come up with all of the programs you have on your computer. Go to the program he installed and uninstall it.

Chances are, he won't know it right away, and you may have a day or two to check the history.

Other than that, check his cell phone for numbers that don't belong, watch for itemized cell phone bills, does he take a shower immediately when he comes home from work?

Is he more and more irritated with you each day?

Have a friend follow him home from work one day.

Of course an hour is not much time to really do anything. From the time he leaves work and when he gets home. You did say it is a twenty minute drive, which leaves forty minutes and that is with no traffic and if he leaves the job precisely at 5pm everyday.

He may be stuck talking with a friend or two for a few minutes before he leaves.

Well, I gave you the signs to look for that I can think of for right now so good luck and I hope it turns out that you were wrong.


Vance Rowe
Crime Editor
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
The program actually erases all cookies and history, I did uninstall it the other day and now he just erases the history as soon as he is done on the computer, I saw yesterday that he was on a website called adultfriendfinder and I asked him about it and my answer was that it was a pop up. He use to have a personal add on there. Even after we got married 5 years ago he was still active with his account. i erased his account on there aswell as on lavalife. He changes his work shirts as soon as he gets home and at his last job he would wear his uniform all night after work, he is always irritated with me now. It seems like he avoids me at all costs, doesnt talk to me anymore. I am not sure what to do

angelblueeyes #355460 11/21/07 01:51 AM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
S
Shark
Offline
Shark
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
I felt the need to jump in on this one....I am in the military and have spent many long trips away from my better half..the most recent one was a year in Korea. While being surrounded by people that were being unfaithfull because their spouse was on the other side of the planet, I turned to porn. Does that mean I was cheating on my wife? Absolutely not. I found an alternative that fit my morals much better.

And besides men arn't going to stop masturbating...period. We just do it..whats more "emotionally cheating"? Watching pornography and using that as the fuel for the imagination. Some woman who we are almost guaranteed to never meet and have any interaction with. Or just straight using our imagination, which is ussually going to be filled with old-flames, co-workers, women that walked by on the street, etc.

And what about relationships where one side has a much higher sex drive than the other..is that person cheating every time they "take care of themselves"? Isn't that better than pressuring their lover into unwanted sex?

IMHO
Skeeter

Skeeter #355462 11/21/07 01:58 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
im not talking about porn online, that doesnt bother me, Im talking about having a personal ad on a dating website and looking for women that are in the same town where he works. Porn isnt the issue or concern

angelblueeyes #355466 11/21/07 02:17 AM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
S
Shark
Offline
Shark
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
That doesn't qualify as porn in my book...so i would agree with you. I think the "correct" definition of porn would be purely adult entertainment that has an off button. If there is any form of active communication involved, even something as harmless as a post like the one I am writing, then you are crossing a boundry. I feel that posting, texting, calling, emailing, writing, talking is all the same thing. Communication is communication despite the medium employed. Looking for women is his hometown is a clear flag being raised. As for the personal ad..be carefull..although I would probably call BS if it hadn't happened to me, but 2 years after giving completely up one of those online dating sights and a year into being married, I was still receiving constant emails and updates from the site, despite my best efforts to block it. I ended up having to call, and call, and call to finally talk to managment and get myself removed..but it did work. Odds are that may not be the case, but its possible.

And as for the hiding of cookies and history..thats bs. I have a program that deletes history and cookies, and it gets turned on whenever my nieces come to visit, simply because I'm an adult and they arn't. (I don't even see them understanding a post like this) But as for hiding things from my wife, nevery happen. We have both given each other our email passwords, but I can honestly say I havn't gone snooping. But I don't feel the need to because she isn't hiding anything from me.

And something semi-simple that may work to see what is going on with the husband. (my sister used this to catch her ex): Check his mileage before he heads out the door (assuming you know how far it is to work) then invite him to join you for lunch (odds are if he is cheating he will say that he can't that he has to work) and then check the mileage when he gets home. It should add up to a roundtrip home-work-home, give or take a few miles. If it's 20 miles off then you have an extra unaccounted for trip in the middle there.

I have never been one for spying on a spouse, but if the trust is allready at question, I think it's better to just find out once and for all.



Skeeter

Skeeter #355480 11/21/07 06:11 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
I am unable to estimate the mileage as I dont drive. I think that the answer will soon come. I have a 3 year old son with him and im not wanting to give up and i believe that families should stay together. 7 Years in september we have been together and had issues with him online dating for about 6. As a man do you think that it is possible for someone to wake up and change one day or is this something that will continue. Im at the point where I am ready to just deal with it as is until my son is older and out on his own.

angelblueeyes #355483 11/21/07 06:41 AM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
S
Shark
Offline
Shark
S
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 371
I truly admire your commitment to your relationship and your child. But with a 3 year old son, thats 15 years. That's a long time to be with someone who (possibly) is cheating on you. And yes I think a man can change, if he feels that what he would be losing is more important than what he is gaining outside of the relationship. It's hard to deal with, but if this spirals out of control, its not fair for you or your son to be subjected to it for the next 15 years.

IMHO
Skeeter

Skeeter #355545 11/21/07 12:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
The way I caught my ex, was the telephone.

I would re-dial the last number called as soon as I got home from work - and it was her number several times.

The final straw was when I came home from work early one day, and actually caught him on the phone with her (at least I didn't cathc them in flagrante!)



Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
I think that most of the issues have arrised from my weight gain from having my son, he just turned 3 years old and I am still almost 15 pounds over what I was when we first started dating. I have recently started dieting and excercise, with hopes that my husband will find me attractive again and want to be intimate and want to go out and do fun things again

angelblueeyes #356458 11/27/07 05:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 6
So I talked to my husband the other night. Probably due to the fact that we were both drinking, I told him everything. I told him that I was worried about him cheating ect. Anyway after a long discussion and talking things through I thought that everything was ok. Last night I initiated sex and all was good. After checking the history on the computer I see that he was looking to find women in the town that he works. It was like a slap in the face for opening up to him. Tonight i initiated sex and my response was that he was tired and not in the mood. Any advice on how to keep a man that is considering going elsewhere. I feel that If i do what he isnt getting that he will stay and not stray

angelblueeyes #356462 11/27/07 07:25 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 359
H
Shark
Offline
Shark
H
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 359
Do you feel that you need to have more innovative sex?

angelblueeyes #356508 11/27/07 12:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Gecko
Offline
Gecko
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 709
Angelblueeyes,

I hate to say this, but there's nothing you can do to stop someone from cheating -- it's their decision. The question is not whether you're doing everything you can to keep him from cheating; rather, the question is -- is he the kind of man who would stay committed to his wife regardless of whether or not he's getting everything he wants and needs?

I'd try talking with him again if it's bothering you so much, though men tend to tire quickly of repeated heavy discussions.

Innovative sex is great -- variety is the spice of life -- but even if you were everything he ever wanted in bed, it's not enough to stop someone who wants to cheat.


"Men and women think that it is necessary to have children. It is not. It is their animal nature and social custom, rather than reason, which makes them believe that this is a necessity." --Democritus
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Kate Relationships Editor 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Add Textural Dimension to Fabric
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 07/17/24 05:04 PM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 07/17/24 09:53 AM
Inspiration Quote
by Angie - 07/15/24 09:59 AM
Guy Pearce Film "The Convert" Released Today
by Angela - Drama Movies - 07/12/24 05:30 PM
Sugarcane Trailer - Theatrical Release in August
by Angela - Drama Movies - 07/12/24 05:18 PM
A Designed Container Garden
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:50 AM
Crazy Tanager
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:45 AM
Wine Tastings
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:42 AM
America 250
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:34 AM
How do YOU Define Classical Music?
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:27 AM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5